ATAR Notes: Forum
QCE Stuff => QCE Subjects + Help => QCE Marking and Feedback => Topic started by: nnguyen15 on November 05, 2019, 12:41:55 pm
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Hey can I get some feedback and help for my English Persuasive Speech (my audience is for the feed so old teens and young adults)
Help I am looking for is my language or language features, whether or not it is appropriate and if my structure is alright
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Hey can I get some feedback and help for my English Persuasive Speech (my audience is for the feed so old teens and young adults)
Help I am looking for is my language or language features, whether or not it is appropriate and if my structure is alright
Hey Nicole, I've gone through your speech and have annotated parts of it :) I've also left some general feedback below.
Overall, your use of language features was pretty good. You've effectively used repetition, inclusive language, rhetorical questions, high modality, emphasis, repetition, emotive language, facts and figures, expert opinion, dark humour, did I say repetition? ;D, anthypophora, dialogismus ... just to name a few 😉 (lets hope I spelt those last two correctly ;D). Your language choices are appropriate for your audience (except maybe the word "tariffs" - maybe you could explain what that means in your speech?). There are, however, some grammatical errors - I'll include more details below and on the document. I found the ending of your speech particularly powerful, and I thought your call to action was good. In whole, I think your speech is very interesting, well done! :)
If you want to include more persuasive techniques, I recommend looking at this webpage: http://mentalfloss.com/article/60234/21-rhetorical-devices-explained
^ I found it very helpful :)
Just a couple of general comments I can think of:
- I would suggest looking through it to make sure you are putting commas wherever they are necessary (if you are adding information in the middle of a sentence, you need a comma - e.g. "Yes, not surprising that the two strongest countries in the world, with the largest economies...")
- Some of your sentences are quite long. I would suggest either splitting them up or making them more concise (hypocritical of me, I know. ;D I write essay length sentences sometimes)
- There are some grammatical errors (nothing major) that are affecting the flow of your speech (mainly things like missing commas)
- What do you mean when you say that America and China are "the two strongest countries in the world"? - in what way are they the strongest? (I'll take on America in an arm wrestle any day, bring it ;D)
- "just for their succession" doesn't make sense - succession can mean either: similar things following one after the other, or inheriting a title, office, property...
- in a couple places you say "one" instead of "some" - e.g. "these are one of our many..." and "Laos, Thailand and India, are one of our many...."
- There are a couple places where your sentences are missing words - e.g. "Loaded with a limitless number of resources and minerals...", and "China and US trade wars has... Since the 1930s..."
- Could you explain what you mean by the word "pyrrhic" within your speech?
Below are some sentences that didn't quite make sense:
- "with this inhumane treatment are forced to serve and support them financially unconditionally" - what are you trying to say here?
- "Yes, US, a great, friendly, supportive nation and China are capable and has done this devalue of Asia intentionally, with knowledge that the world's lost is their gain"
- A tariff of 1.2 billion Chinese soybeans worth of $75 billion was put against American farms that just so happened to be in need of soybeans, whilst increasing their tariffs to 25%"
- "Now, both nations holding 25% of tariffs on each their necks, they are overwhelmed with the goal of maintaining pride and dignity has gone too absurd as there are threatening not only their people's wealth but their allies, us."
- "Proving that not all heroes wear capes, they have reached over thousands of people voices to stop this war...."
Hope this helps! :) Let me know if you have any questions.[/list]
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Welcome to the forums! :)
K.Smithy has bet me to providing feedback & in general I agree with what they have said. The two of you actually complement each other fairly well in terms of what your strengths and weaknesses are for speech writing. (I wrote my comments below before their feedback was posted)
I'm not sure if it was just writing this in a hurry but there were a fair few grammatical mistakes and typos throughout your speech. Luckily, these are less likely to be picked up in a speech than in written communication but fixing some of these errors will still help the speech flow smoothly and be well-understood by your audience.
I haven't watched the feed but it seems like your language is generally suited to the target audience. One thing I would say is that although your audience has likely heard of tariffs before they may not understand them or how they work - this might be worth explaining.
Your structure seems fine to me.
I've left some more specific feedback in the attached document - please use the review pane and check the comments and tracked changes.
Hope this helps!
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Welcome to the forums! :)
K.Smithy has bet me to providing feedback & in general I agree with what they have said. The two of you actually complement each other fairly well in terms of what your strengths and weaknesses are for speech writing. (I wrote my comments below before their feedback was posted)
I'm not sure if it was just writing this in a hurry but there were a fair few grammatical mistakes and typos throughout your speech. Luckily, these are less likely to be picked up in a speech than in written communication but fixing some of these errors will still help the speech flow smoothly and be well-understood by your audience.
I haven't watched the feed but it seems like your language is generally suited to the target audience. One thing I would say is that although your audience has likely heard of tariffs before they may not understand them or how they work - this might be worth explaining.
Your structure seems fine to me.
I've left some more specific feedback in the attached document - please use the review pane and check the comments and tracked changes.
Hope this helps!
thank you soo much, I'm still new to this website so not sure if this is the right way to send this message. Me and Katelyn are actually friends in school.
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thank you soo much, I'm still new to this website so not sure if this is the right way to send this message. Me and Katelyn are actually friends in school.
No worries at all! :)
I was little suspicious that you might be from the same school given how similar your task was and that you made your usernames in similar ways so it definitely makes sense that you knew each other.
If you haven't yet seen this, you might find this overview of atarnotes' free QCE resources helpful.
Personally, my favourite part of atarnotes is the forums. It can be a bit confusing to learn how to navigate and use them at first which is why we have a guide for new users here - you're also absolutely free to ask any questions you might have :)
Btw, you sent your reply perfectly so no need to worry about that :)
Good luck for your studies and let me know if there's anything else I can do to help!