ATAR Notes: Forum

VCE Stuff => VCE English Studies => VCE Subjects + Help => VCE English & EAL => Topic started by: vcaa on February 16, 2010, 07:35:59 pm

Title: Please read
Post by: vcaa on February 16, 2010, 07:35:59 pm

can someone please help check...ty

Title: Re: Please read
Post by: natty on February 17, 2010, 10:07:33 pm

I can't actually critique the work, as I have no idea about the text, but it's probably too short, only ~400 words. You should be aiming for around 700-800 as a rough minimum for Yr 12 english. :)

Title: Re: Please read
Post by: herzy on February 18, 2010, 01:44:17 am

honestly i only just glanced at it, but +1 to natty.
much meatier paragraphs are needed, because it is impossible to go into an idea in depth in a few sentences (as each of your paragraphs is)
also you started two paragraphs with 'when'. never start a paragraph with when. ever. especially two. in a row.

the reason for this is that 'when' implies you're recounting the story too heavily, which is definitely not something you want to be doing. focus on ideas and themes, not plot.