ATAR Notes: Forum
VCE Stuff => VCE English Studies => VCE Subjects + Help => VCE English & EAL => Topic started by: melanie.dee on October 28, 2007, 01:58:37 pm
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ok this is horrible and unfinished (havnt done the conclusion or delved into all the ideas, but im severely lacking inspiration) but can someone give me some suggestions and perhaps a mark indication. its from the vate prac exam i think, if someone can tell me where i can upload the article ill try
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A government proposal to introduce compulsory exercise programs in schools to battle the worsening problem of child obesity stirred up considerable debate within the community. A letter appearing in a teachers? association newsletter shortly after the proposal challenges the effectiveness of the proposal in genuinely resolving the issue, and argues that it unfair and unrealistic to place the burden of fixing community issues solely on already overwhelmed schools and teachers.
The author opens their letter highlighting the predictability of the proposal, arguing that it is little more than what ?we?ve come to expect? from politicians, their latest ?quick fix? in a line of programs implemented in schools in a effort to fix wider social problems. The author strives to plant doubt in the minds of the readers, asking them to reconsider their faith in the government, insisting that none of the previous short term strategies implemented by the government have been successful, and that there is no reason why this latest resolution will be either. By contrasting the government?s speedy invention of these ?band aid solutions? against the ?enormous amounts of time and effort? that teachers spend in implementing them, the author furthers their effort to create distrust of these short sighted politicians, and garner support for the idea that teachers are the ones who truly care, and who can be trusted to present the truth on the issue.
A ?we know best? tone is assumed by the author as they argue that the suggestion is a practical impossibility, claiming that ?anyone who has worked in schools? would recognise that the proposal would not work. Using this technique, the author strives to convince the audience that their opinion holds more weight due to their first hand experience of working in schools, and hence presses them to agree with their ?expert? opinion. Given that the audience is likely to be made of by other teachers, the author carefully uses this inclusive language to position themselves alongside readers and give their readers a common point to relate to, hence encouraging them to agree with the author?s viewpoint. The comment also aims to strip credibility from the government?s stance, who the author insinuates do not have the same claim to expert opinion.
The alarmist approach of comparing the government?s daily compulsory exercise proposal to the actions of China?s Mao regime strives to convince the audience that the suggestion is extreme, and unnecessarily getting involved in issues which are up to the individual to address. The author tries to tap into society?s fear of infringement on personal freedoms, and convince the readers that this proposal indeed proposes a threat to their individual liberties. Comparing the current government to the Mao regime strives to create further distrust and suspicion toward the exercise regime proposal, and generate fear amongst the audience.
The author also considers the other side of the issue, recognising that indeed obesity is a serious issue that needs to be addressed. By adopting this measured approach, the author seeks to convince readers that they have considered the issue thoughtfully from both sides, and are not attacking the proposal just for the sake of it. This is an effort to gain credibility and present an image of offering a balanced argument, and convince readers that supporting their argument represents supporting a well thought out, measured point of view.
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i havnt really read through it, so if there are so dodgy unfinished sentences or something oops im sorry haha
thanks in advance
eta; article!
http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=15xri1w&s=2
http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=2irvoe1&s=2
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i like it, but im no good at language analysis so my opinion has no merit. lol. hopefully someone else (who knows what there talking about) can give u some feedback. lol.
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I liked it too. I'd give it a 9/10, although I'm in no position to judge.
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sorry mel, it's a little vague in areas. You really need to focus and zoom in on the language and it's effects.
"we know best" tone should be substituted for "superior" or dependednt on the "feel" of the article, "sardonic" or "didactic"
You seem to know the techniques well, but have not really shown specific examples
You need to identify the stakeholders in you introduction, and make a judgement on their susceptibility to the techniques used in your conclusion. As the task is focused on your understanding of how language is used to persuade readers, you should discuss who is more likely to be affected and conversely, who is not
If you can show that certain techniques may polarise the readership, such as a "superior" tone, you can justfy how the writer may fail to persuade certain readers and demonstrate a real subtle awareness of the effects of language
Overall, it feels like a 7 to me
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I smell a 50 from you BA22.. 8)
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thanks i appreciate your honest opinion, i know its pretty horrible, i cant do anything at the moment gaaaaaaar.
hahah i knew the we know best thing was completely innappropriate but i couldnt think of the word i wanted. i felt like superior didnt really fit perfectly.
im about to start another one, so we'll see how that goes. i used to be ok at analyses but lately i jsut cant do ittt.
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if BA22 doesn't get a 50, i dont think theres hope for anyone!
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ahhhhhh!! the pressure of it all!!!
haha, i'm just lucky really, good teachers, goals set, and a reasonable natrual affinity for this subject with texts i like
I'm sure ahmad and mel will also do well!
keep plugging away mel!
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quick question. what is a school council exactly? im doing another analysis and trying to get a sense of audience.. i always thought a school council was student based.. but perhaps not, because that really wouldnt fit in with this.. so is it made of parents or teachers, or a mixture of all perhaps? thanks
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well they would both have the same vested interest anyway . . the school
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quick question. what is a school council exactly? im doing another analysis and trying to get a sense of audience.. i always thought a school council was student based.. but perhaps not, because that really wouldnt fit in with this.. so is it made of parents or teachers, or a mixture of all perhaps? thanks
yeah its parents and teachers. mainly parents though i think. at my school anyway
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BA22.. nah it does make a difference in this imo. its on truancy. anyway we'll see once iv finished this haha which btw is not going well
thanks goosefraba!
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god im having such issues at the moment i cant seem to make any sense with anything i write! is this any better?
article is here http://www.vcaa.vic.edu.au/vce/studies/english/pastexams/english02.pdf
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A rising level of student absenteeism has led to debate over the best way to deal with the increasingly significant problem. A proposal by school Principal Ms Smith suggesting the taking of a firmer line again truancy was met by responses from parents and community members equally expressing their views on the hot topic. Tom Frost, in his speech at a council meeting, downplayed the seriousness of truancy and argued that the proposal by Ms Smith was inproportionate to the problem. A letter by Rosemary Collins, an education consultant and parent, to Principal Ms Smith, assumes a measured tone to suggest that there are often complex reasons behind truancy, and that a rehabilitative rather than punitive approach is required to resolve the issue.
Frost asks us to ?not get too carried away? with the issue, suggesting that truancy has been sensationalised and exaggerated, and does not merit the ?hounding? approach that Ms Smith suggests taking. By referring to ?kids play [ing] truant?, Frost plays down the seriousness of the issue and evokes an image of harmlessness. The word ?kids? conveys a sense of innocence and right to lack of accountability for their actions, and attempts to create a sense of sympathy and understanding in the audience.
He contrasts this against the proposal of Ms Smith, stirring up the idea of inflexibility and extremity through the use of ?brick? imagery. He refers to the proposal as ?coming down on truancy like a ton of bricks? and kids ?hitting break walls? when all they are trying to do is ?find out about life first hand.? By setting up this ?uncaring schools against our poor kids? contrast, and vilifying the proposal of firmer measures, Frost attempts to garner sympathy and anger other parents in the audiences, aiming to persuade them that the proposal does not genuinely have their children?s best interests in mind, and hence positioning them along side his argument.
Frost reaches out again to other parents in the audience with a personal anecdote, as he recounts his daughter?s experience with bullying that drove her to requiring time out from school. By emotionalising the situation, he strives to gain the support of other parents who are primarily concerned with their children?s? well being, and who will emphathise with a reason such a bullying.
Collins, however, adopts a professional, balanced tone in an attempt to appeal to Ms Smith?s likely, as a Principal, appreciation for logic and thoughtful consideration. She largely avoids emotive language, and instead takes on an informative approach through the inclusion of researched statistics and ?departmental data? in which Ms Smith would be inclined to have confidence. Collins refers to what she has said as ?fact? rather than opinion, living little room for disagreement, and persuading Ms Smith to agree with what she has to say.
However Collins also links herself closely to the school, insisting that she is ?writing as a parent? with a genuine interest in solving the issue in ?our school community?. By defining herself as a part of the group rather than as an outsider, Collins aims to ensure that the letter does not translate itself as condescending or unwarranted, hence ensuring she does not insult or render indignant the Principal. Collins strongly asserts this position through the use of words such as ?collaboratively? and ?working group?, which too seek to further convey genuineity and willingness to help to Ms Smith, and hence persuade her to consider Collins? point of view. The purposeful avoidance of creating controversy or anger serves to attempt to avoid alienating Ms Smith, which would damage Collins? chances of gaining her support
The down to earth, personal speech of Frost, claiming Ms Smith?s proposal as an insensitive overreaction to ?kids playing truant?, makes a strong appeal to other parents in the audience, most likely effectively softening them towards the issue and gaining their support. He risks, however, alienating the teachers in the audience with his ?us against schools? undercurrent, damaging the prospect of equally gaining their consideration of his point of view. Rosemary Collins? letter to Principal Ms Smith maintains an effective balance of tone, competently asserting her objection to the proposed punitive response and rather suggesting that one consider the underlying reasons for truancy, while at the same time recognising the need to not insult or patronise Ms Smith if to be successful is gaining her consideration of the letter?s argument.
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havnt read through it thorougly sorry if there are unfinished sentences or spelling/grammar mistakes. would love a range of criticisms and suggested marks please!
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god im having such issues at the moment i cant seem to make any sense with anything i write! is this any better?
article is here http://www.vcaa.vic.edu.au/vce/studies/english/pastexams/english02.pdf
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A rising level of student absenteeism has led to debate over the best way to deal with the increasingly significant problem. A proposal by school Principal Ms Smith suggesting the taking of a firmer line again truancy was met by responses from parents and community members equally expressing their views on the hot topic. Tom Frost, in his speech at a council meeting, downplayed the seriousness of truancy and argued that the proposal by Ms Smith was inproportionate to the problem. A letter by Rosemary Collins, an education consultant and parent, to Principal Ms Smith, assumes a measured tone to suggest that there are often complex reasons behind truancy, and that a rehabilitative rather than punitive approach is required to resolve the issue.
Frost asks us to ?not get too carried away? with the issue, suggesting that truancy has been sensationalised and exaggerated, and does not merit the ?hounding? approach that Ms Smith suggests taking. By referring to ?kids play [ing] truant?, Frost plays down the seriousness of the issue and evokes an image of harmlessness. The word ?kids? conveys a sense of innocence and right to lack of accountability for their actions, and attempts to create a sense of sympathy and understanding in the audience.
He contrasts this against the proposal of Ms Smith, stirring up the idea of inflexibility and extremity through the use of ?brick? imagery. He refers to the proposal as ?coming down on truancy like a ton of bricks? and kids ?hitting break walls? when all they are trying to do is ?find out about life first hand.? By setting up this ?uncaring schools against our poor kids? contrast, and vilifying the proposal of firmer measures, Frost attempts to garner sympathy and anger other parents in the audiences, aiming to persuade them that the proposal does not genuinely have their children?s best interests in mind, and hence positioning them along side his argument.
Frost reaches out again to other parents in the audience with a personal anecdote, as he recounts his daughter?s experience with bullying that drove her to requiring time out from school. By emotionalising the situation, he strives to gain the support of other parents who are primarily concerned with their children?s? well being, and who will emphathise with a reason such a bullying.
Collins, however, adopts a professional, balanced tone in an attempt to appeal to Ms Smith?s likely, as a Principal, appreciation for logic and thoughtful consideration. She largely avoids emotive language, and instead takes on an informative approach through the inclusion of researched statistics and ?departmental data? in which Ms Smith would be inclined to have confidence. Collins refers to what she has said as ?fact? rather than opinion, living little room for disagreement, and persuading Ms Smith to agree with what she has to say.
However Collins also links herself closely to the school, insisting that she is ?writing as a parent? with a genuine interest in solving the issue in ?our school community?. By defining herself as a part of the group rather than as an outsider, Collins aims to ensure that the letter does not translate itself as condescending or unwarranted, hence ensuring she does not insult or render indignant the Principal. Collins strongly asserts this position through the use of words such as ?collaboratively? and ?working group?, which too seek to further convey genuineity and willingness to help to Ms Smith, and hence persuade her to consider Collins? point of view. The purposeful avoidance of creating controversy or anger serves to attempt to avoid alienating Ms Smith, which would damage Collins? chances of gaining her support
The down to earth, personal speech of Frost, claiming Ms Smith?s proposal as an insensitive overreaction to ?kids playing truant?, makes a strong appeal to other parents in the audience, most likely effectively softening them towards the issue and gaining their support. He risks, however, alienating the teachers in the audience with his ?us against schools? undercurrent, damaging the prospect of equally gaining their consideration of his point of view. Rosemary Collins? letter to Principal Ms Smith maintains an effective balance of tone, competently asserting her objection to the proposed punitive response and rather suggesting that one consider the underlying reasons for truancy, while at the same time recognising the need to not insult or patronise Ms Smith if to be successful is gaining her consideration of the letter?s argument.
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havnt read through it thorougly sorry if there are unfinished sentences or spelling/grammar mistakes. would love a range of criticisms and suggested marks please!
Muuuuuuuuuuch better mel
The intro/conclusion are very strong and really convey your control of language and knowledge/grasp on task
Your knowledge of techniques, as i said before is very good
This what i call solid 8 territory, writing like this will not score you lower than 8, if you keep the same components in your intro/conclusion
8-9 for me, dependent on your examiner. Well done
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thank effing god haha, i was getting so frustrated. i really appreciate your comments, its easier than waiting 30 years for my teachers to send stuff back to me too haha.
now i should probably get to work on my text essays. eeeek :x
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ps. what do i need to do to make it a solid 9 rather than an 8?
i can correct other peoples work, but i cant seem to fix my own haha.
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ps. what do i need to do to make it a solid 9 rather than an 8?
i can correct other peoples work, but i cant seem to fix my own haha.
I'd really like to see you pick some phrases in particular, and spend an extra sentence really looking at the subtle implications. I realise you did this at some points, but i'd like to see more of it. There were also some expression issues where you can come accross as a little vague, which is a shame since you generally have excellent control of the english language.
Your response was excellent mel, it would more than likely obtain you a 9, but i'm making sure you focus on improvement and achieving more. With a tightened control of expression and a deep examination of the subtlety of the piece and you will obtain 10, from both examiners
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it looks pretty long..but i havent read it yet
edit: now that i have...i must say its pretty good (liked the use of some words lik..garner and vilifying). however there were some better phrases which i had thought of while reading but this is solid stuff. keep it up
i would give it 8-9/10
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thanks a lot for your feedback!
i sent it to two teachers. my notoriously easy marking teacher... "amazing, easily a 10!" ahhaha and then another one who said the same sort of thing as you BA22, more specific references needed, she gave it a 9.
there you go, the reason i sent it to 2 different ones ha. my teacher marks sooo easily its crazy. but ill hope its 9 anyway lol.
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can someone show me an example of a conclusion.
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In language analysis a level of detachment is required, by saying that writer's approach was actually 'measured' rather than saying that the approach was intended to be 'measured', you step over the line between language analysis and endorsing/critiquing arguments. It would be better to say: "By adopting this approach, the author seeks to convince readers that their argument is measured and reasonable, and that they have considered the issue thoughtfully from both sides, and are not attacking the proposal just for the sake of it."
Same with: "The alarmist approach of comparing the government?s daily compulsory exercise proposal to the actions of China?s Mao regime strives to convince the audience that the suggestion is extreme, and unnecessarily getting involved in issues which are up to the individual to address. "
I would re-write that as: "By comparing the government?s daily compulsory exercise proposal to the actions of China?s Mao regime the writer strives to alarm the audience and to convince them that the proposal is extreme, unnecessarily impinging on individual liberties"
"A ?we know best? tone"
You could also describe that as a 'tone of authority', or an 'authoritative tone'.
"to plant doubt"
if you want to use the full expression then say it, if not then just say "to place doubt in the minds of ....".
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i appreciate that you need detachment in a language analysis, but seriously how far can you go, with aims to, strives to, in an effort to.. yes iv done that with the EFFECT of the technique on the audience. but the "measured tone" in the TECHNIQUE, and then i explain what effect that technique aims to have on the readers.. i duno.. i see your point, and i probably could have made the China example a bit more detached but seriously how far can you go with that.. anyway ill just keep it like that, criticisms about my lang analyses have always been about being too vague rather than not sufficiently detached. but i appreciate your advice
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In language analysis a level of detachment is required, by saying that writer's approach was actually 'measured' rather than saying that the approach was intended to be 'measured', you step over the line between language analysis and endorsing/critiquing arguments. It would be better to say: "By adopting this approach, the author seeks to convince readers that their argument is measured and reasonable, and that they have considered the issue thoughtfully from both sides, and are not attacking the proposal just for the sake of it."
I'd disagree. Yes, you need to be detached, in that you can't be critiquing the arguments, but by saying it is 'measured' isn't it similar to describing the tone? We are allowed to say 'he/she writes excitedly/ (insert other tone word here)' etc we don't have to say 'he/she aims to appear excited'..
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Also, whilst I would tend not to make value judgments, some high-scoring responses from previous years that are in the examiners reports have done so.
I'm so sick of everyone putting up their 'rules' about english (ie. you can't put quotes in intro's, you can't start a part 2 essay paragraph with a characters name) because most of the time they are bullshit, and it is just due to the individual teachers
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I'd disagree. Yes, you need to be detached, in that you can't be critiquing the arguments, but by saying it is 'measured' isn't it similar to describing the tone? We are allowed to say 'he/she writes excitedly/ (insert other tone word here)' etc we don't have to say 'he/she aims to appear excited'..
Yeah, you can claim the writer has a "measured" tone without endorsing an argument. It just means that the writer has a rational voice rather than an emotional voice.
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agreed. well now thats settled..! haha
i understand the lang analyses have a bit more of a formulaic approach than text essays, but yeh silly 'rules' in english annoy me too
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On my reading of the language analysis, the "measured approach" was not a reference to the tone of the piece but rather what mel mentioned in the preceding sentence: "considers the other side of the issue, recognising that indeed obesity is a serious issue that needs to be addressed"
Hence, on my reading, "measured approach" was a reference to:
(1) the writer's consideration of "the other side of the issue"; and
(2) the writer's recognition that "indeed obesity is a serious issue that needs to be addressed".