ATAR Notes: Forum
General Discussion => General Discussion Boards => Rants and Debate => Topic started by: Srd2000 on September 17, 2017, 10:04:26 pm
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Love is just another high-school drama that distracts students from more important works. Does love in high-school, furthermore, teenaged years really matter? Should you go after those feelings that you have for that certain person in your class?
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Drama is what you make of it. I think certain people are going to attract drama, love life or not. I don't think it's fair to disregard relationships -- school is a part of life, not your whole life.
I was in a relationship from Yr 9 until just before my 2nd year of Yr 12, and I don't think it distracted me. It made me happy, which made me more productive. I even had a study buddy whenever I wanted one. Outside of this, it allowed me to mature as a person. It certainly expanded my understanding of interpersonal relationships.
The bigger issue is deciding if you're ready for a relationship at that age IMO
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Also I'm sure there are plenty of psychological benefits whilst in a healthy relationship which would definitely improve your performance in high school (that is if your relationship has a relatively low amount of 'drama'/stress). In the end the HSC comes down to exam technique and the way you perform under high stressed environments, content is important but exam technique is even more important. If a relationship has the added benefit of improving your mental state then that in-turn will improve your exam performance. You would also need to balance your time aswell, and i think good time management skills would be imperative if you want a relationship in high school.
So yes go after those feelings if you know deep down that you can manage the time involved in pursuing such a relationship.
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Interesting topic to talk about ...
Having a relationship during high school/teen years can help you develop as a person. Helps you be in touch with your feelings during the time of your maturity. It gives you insight on what the "real world" is going to be like.
However imo, dating for the sake of dating is not healthy at all. I find that people who are insecure during their teen years, resort to finding a boyfriend/girlfriend to shape their identity and gives them reassurance that they're alright. The drama and the attention that goes along with it can give an individual a sense of fulfilment I suppose. Once an insecure individual breaks up with their bf/gf, they will go on and find someone else. There's nothing wrong with that. Though in order to be satisfied in a relationship, you need to be happy with yourself first.
On the other hand, confident individuals who date during their teen years are likely to keep their relationship strong. I know girls in my year group who have been with their boyfriends for 1-2 years now, which is pretty impressive. I find that they're really happy with themselves. When they talk about their boyfriends (which is quite rare from what I've noticed), I see their eyes lit up with joy. It's nice knowing that they're so happy and in love.
This opinion is coming from someone who has never been in a relationship before. I think its because I've seen friends cry over their exes, who are not worth the tears. Being in love with the idea of being a relationship rather than the person themselves, isn't really my thing. I've learnt that from an incident from last year.
Just like Calebark said, the bigger issue is, is whether or not you are ready for a relationship during these years.
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I feel like Jamon needs to get involved here.
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I was in a relationship pretty much from the start of year 12 to halfway through first year uni (a few months ago).
In some regards, it was a distraction. There were nights I stayed up late talking with him the night before a SAC but I think being a relationship at that time made me happy. That happiness was worth staying up late for and even though I may have been "distracted", it made doing work less draining and I doubt it was detrimental to my marks. If anything, it gave me motivation to do well.
I think it's fine to have relationships during school as long as you truly care about that person and know how to prioritise. If you do it to look cool or because you think it'll be fun: no, it won't be good. But if that person makes you happy, you're likely to be more cheerful and potentially even improve on your marks. You just need to find the right person and get into a relationship for the right reasons :)
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depends on the person, really. there are heaps of examples out there of great relationships :-)
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I feel like Jamon needs to get involved here.
Thanks for the intro ;)
So my current girlfriend and I met at the start of Year 8, started 'dating' at the end of Year 8. So we'll be celebrating our 7 year anniversary in November (we're going on a cruise, mucho excited!!). Obviously no one expected it to last as long as it has back then, and look, logically we might not have either at the start. But that's not what we were in it for, we weren't looking for a husband or wife - We liked each other. We were both into nerdy things. We made each other happy, so hey, why not?
She's a huge part of the person I've become today. All of my self confidence comes from her, a huge amount of my work ethic comes from her (hard to not study when your girlfriend is studying so hard lol) - I shudder to think where I'd be without her because I honestly attribute a vast majority of what I've accomplished in the last seven years, in some way, to her.
So yeah, I'm personally a big believer in high school relationships, it is just a part of the experience. Not that everyone should go hunting for somebody, but if the opportunity arises and you are into it, go for it! Worst case, you end up in a bit of a shitty relationship - It teaches you a bit about yourself and your wants/needs, a bit about relationships. I'd hope that usually, you have a good experience, have some fun with the person you are with for some decent period of time - And on the high statistical chance it doesn't last - Well, life goes on. Again, you learn a lot, and it sucks for a bit, but you always dust yourself off.
Or you get lucky like me, and you find who you'll end up marrying (when I save up enough for a bloody ring, lol) ;)
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i gotta agree with my man jamon on this one. from my cohort in high school there are literally 15-20 relationships that started in high school which are still going now (3rd year uni).
definitely depends on the type of people and circumstances and shit but these days you really start to see alot of people stay together for ages from high school.
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Love is just another high-school drama that distracts students from more important works. Does love in high-school, furthermore, teenaged years really matter? Should you go after those feelings that you have for that certain person in your class?
Sure why not?
You two understand each others needs and are going through the same things (HS, puberty) =). It's also a great motivation as she/he can make you feel bad when you slack around when there's things around the corner.
Gotta agree with Jamon and Aaron, Hs relos do last a long time.
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As many have said there is no hard, fast, black and white answer .
It can be pointless or it could be the "one".
I've seen the quintessential "high school sweethearts" and the "dramatic teenage heartbreak".
I think what I will say that if you aren't serious about relationships, don't bother. It can hurt a lot, if you do it just for the sake of it. It is in fact a terrible thing to do, to play with someone's heart because you want to experience a relationship and not become you may have romantic feelings.
In that case it is pointless.
But as other posts with their own experiences, it can make you a better person.
I do echo the sentiments that you learn a lot about relationships. I learnt from my short lived one, a lot about relationships and myself and sure it was terrible that she broke up with me via a Skype message. But it taught me a lot regardless on not being on the same page, communication, understanding others, being honest and a plethora of other things.
So teenage love can be pointless and may not be. I mean there is a reason why nearly all of not all "high school, teenage based" novels have romance in the or the "high school sweethearts" trope, the "teen heartbreak" trope and all those love tropes involving teenager is popular.
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Learning how to have healthy, open, supportive, loving relationships: vastly more important than high school. Start whenever you find someone you can do that with.
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Would you say there are relationships that formed from lust or infatuation, rather love? How would a young pubescent teenager know the difference between the lust or infatuation they have for someone and if they actually love them?
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Would you say there are relationships that formed from lust or infatuation, rather love? How would a young pubescent teenager know the difference between the lust or infatuation they have for someone and if they actually love them?
How would anybody?
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Would you say there are relationships that formed from lust or infatuation, rather love? How would a young pubescent teenager know the difference between the lust or infatuation they have for someone and if they actually love them?
And in a similar train of thought to Joseph41, how do you start to figure this out without actually engaging in a romantic relationship?
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Would you say there are relationships that formed from lust or infatuation, rather love? How would a young pubescent teenager know the difference between the lust or infatuation they have for someone and if they actually love them?
Not all relationships start out with love, as love is a pretty big thing. I don't think you can properly differentiate desire/list/obsession from love until you've experienced love. Even then, what's to say they're not mutually exclusive?
I can say that I didn't love my first girlfriend the moment we started dating, and vice versa. There was lust and infatuation on our parts (these are natural feelings, especially as a teen), but I don't think this lessened the validity of the relationship, especially considering we were honest about such feelings.
So, to answer your question:
1- yes, this is normal
2- you wing it
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I had a girlfriend from Year 10 until Year 12. We broke up during Year 12. Was pretty painful for whatever reason.
Definitely don't regret it. Definitely wasn't pointless. Learnt a lot.
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I actually have my own question regarding the whole "but how will they know if it's love or not?"
Is there anything legitimately wrong with relationships built on infatuation and lust? As previously said, if you're looking for a life-long partner, then both of these things can turn into love. Even then, why does the ultimate aim of dating HAVE to be to find "the one"? I, for one, am not a big fan of relationships built on purely physical attraction, and prefer more of an emotional one. But, I'm not on a search to find someone to spend the rest of my life with - if I date, it's to have fun, and meet people I can connect with. (in fact, I'm not a particular fan of marriage in general, but that's probably a topic for another time)
And again, some people will date simply because of a sexual need - they'll have relationships that are based purely on lust. There's nothing wrong with that - as the saying goes, it's not really our place to care about or judge what happens between two consenting adults. The same (IMHO) can be said for teenagers - and really, dating is even better for people who are still learning about themselves and exploring their own sexuality, as if gives them real experience to base this on. If I had been more open to dating when I was younger, I reckon there's a ton of shit I'd have been able to cope better with than when I actually discovered it in my first year of uni.
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And I missed this and that makes me sad. :(
I'm at the end of year 12, and I will still say my biggest regret during my senior years was avoiding a relationship because I considered it a "distraction." There is one boy, and everything about him and hanging around him is perfect, he makes me so happy, he motivates me to do well and is always there for me. Put it this way, he met me in the library to study with me and made sticky date pudding to share as a picnic after we studied. We went on bike rides, studied together, ate together, shopped together, went to book fairs and fetes and I was so stupid when I pulled away, when I didn't kiss him when he tried, when I cut him out because I was convinced that he would be a "distraction." Anyway, after a very tumultuous couple of months we ended up as friends and have stayed friends, but I swear I fell for him the minute I saw him, and every day I regret only being friends. He's coming with me to my formal, but I know I gave up any kind of future with him as more than friends during those few months at the end of last year when I cut him out. Plus, I was absolutely miserable when I cut him out, and that was more distracting than having him around.
Don't make my mistake.
That's absolutely heart-wrenching. This might sound too-little-too-late, or might seem really scary, but I really do encourage you to talk to him about this. He might still have similar feelings for you, and if he's really as great as he seems, I'm sure he'll understand what you were going through. If he doesn't share those feelings, I'm doubly sure he'll still want to be friends with you. If he doesn't - there's something to be said about it being unhealthy for you to continuously hang around with someone you want to be together with, anyway.
You already regret not seizing the opportunity before, don't make a bigger regret at not trying again at your second chance.
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I'm doubly sure he'll still want to be friends with you. If he doesn't - there's something to be said about it being unhealthy for you to continuously hang around with someone you want to be together with, anyway.
Agreed. There's something awkward about it as, you (the lover) may make subtle or not so subtle advances and he will shoot it down. You'll continue getting hurt or it'll get the point where he'll be like "stop" and yeah.. it'll end on a super bad note.
Regardless of how much you try to ignore it, your heart may always keep yearning for more.
(how do I know? personal exp)
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Maybe this is isn't really related to the orginal post, but what if the feeling isn't mutual when you ask them out, ie unrequited love? I believe the effects of this is quite distracting and even detrimental towards studies
Like I was good friends with this girl and had short but seemingly long exchanges that drew me to her
but anyways, later found out that the feelings unfortunately weren't mutual, and so the inception of this agonizing pain (maybe cause im not that emotionally strong lol)
But yeh unrequited love does lead to some distraction, like personally, I'm finding myself less focused on HSC due to overthinking about the past etc etc I used to view studying as fun as well as other hobbies, but it does all kinda seem bleak and meaningless now... We're still talking, although the frequency is decreasing haha. Hopefuly time heals and I get to be myself again before HSC starts
haha enough of my ranting, but on the other hand, I do actually think being in actual love and in a healthy relationship is good. Like I dont think think it's really distractive, heck it might even give some confidence boost and motivation, but of course, I wouldnt know
just my 2 cents
You know what? I actually don't think this is a bad thing. Your life isn't going to be perfect the whole way through, and there's going to be tough times but you can't just sit at home and cry for three months until you get over it. In high school or later on, we've all got to tough it out and keep as much of a hold on our daily responsibilities as possible. Sure it is distracting, but these are the things that teach you how to prioritise, how to take care of yourself, what you value more, how to keep going despite life's difficulties. And you will have to learn it at some stage- this isn't something you can live your life not knowing. We can't just not expect to get heartbroken or expect loved ones to live forever because we don't want to be distracted from studies. At a young age, it seems really important, but later in life the distraction doesn't seem such a big deal. And you learn to balance so you can have everything - it's not like you're throwing away your whole education to be in a relationship. Anyway that's just my 2 cents on this matter :)
Would you say there are relationships that formed from lust or infatuation, rather love? How would a young pubescent teenager know the difference between the lust or infatuation they have for someone and if they actually love them?
I feel this pretty hard. My only dating experience conflicted with this ideology so deeply. I was against high school dating for a very long time, and dating in general pretty much my whole life. Of course this is not the case now, I could learn a lot about relationships from a 14 year old and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think the most important thing at any age is to know what you don't want. It takes experience to learn what we do want, but especially in high school with so much going on, you need to know if you want to find someone to marry at 15 or to have someone close but who won't make you sacrifice your education.
I made that mistake- I didn't know what I wanted or didn't want, and it was only when someone came into my life and I realised I was lonely and I wasn't able to back out that I realised I didn't want him. Admittedly, I didn't think I'd suffer as much as I did, but that's probably my fault too. I just wanted a mildly lustful thing that I didn't even want to call a relationship, but he wanted me forever and his alone. I couldn't even keep my family with him. Nearly three years on, I still suffer severe anxiety and depressive episodes from that experience. Everything suffered, my grades, my friends, my family, my confidence.
I'm not saying every breakup is this dramatic aha, but when you're this young, sometimes you don't know as much as you think you do, and I think it's really important to weigh up what you value more and also think about the person you're with. There's a difference between someone you can be lustful with, someone you can laugh with, and someone who clings to you for their every need that you can't deliver at that age. Above all, I just believe that you've got to be aware that you're young and you're not going to know everything, and be okay with that before you get into a relationship. Appreciate that it's a learning experience, and you grow together as well as alone. Who knows, they might be your lover for life or just a lesson, but without a try, they won't be anything! Make decisions that you don't think you will regret (even if you do end up breaking up) but even so, I think regret is life's greatest teacher. I wouldnt be who I am today without my experiences, and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing yet, but I know I've learnt more about family, dedication, commitment, education, priority, pain, loss, need, heartbreak, relationships, lust, love, obligation, diplomacy, communication and provision than I thought possible. :)
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I'm at the end of year 12, and I will still say my biggest regret during my senior years was avoiding a relationship because I considered it a "distraction." There is one boy, and everything about him and hanging around him is perfect, he makes me so happy, he motivates me to do well and is always there for me. Put it this way, he met me in the library to study with me and made sticky date pudding to share as a picnic after we studied. We went on bike rides, studied together, ate together, shopped together, went to book fairs and fetes and I was so stupid when I pulled away, when I didn't kiss him when he tried, when I cut him out because I was convinced that he would be a "distraction." Anyway, after a very tumultuous couple of months we ended up as friends and have stayed friends, but I swear I fell for him the minute I saw him, and every day I regret only being friends. He's coming with me to my formal, but I know I gave up any kind of future with him as more than friends during those few months at the end of last year when I cut him out. Plus, I was absolutely miserable when I cut him out, and that was more distracting than having him around.
Don't make my mistake.
I also did something similar... I was too scared of losing my best-friend to 'risk' it. But now he's happily with his s.o. and I couldn't be more happy for him as I know that she will be able to give him a happiness that I could never give :)
So in that sense I guess my question is where do you guys draw the line in terms of best-friends and something more?
Personally for me; I was okay with wondering 'what ifs...' (even though sometimes it kills) than saying 'we had...' because losing him forever was something I couldn't do
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kind of just come to the realisation that I screwed up, and next year, hopefully (I've said this every year since I've met him mind you...), in Uni, I will have completely moved on.
Sending you my warmish wishes Mary! *sends virtual hugs*
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I actually have my own question regarding the whole "but how will they know if it's love or not?"
Is there anything legitimately wrong with relationships built on infatuation and lust? As previously said, if you're looking for a life-long partner, then both of these things can turn into love. Even then, why does the ultimate aim of dating HAVE to be to find "the one"? I, for one, am not a big fan of relationships built on purely physical attraction, and prefer more of an emotional one. But, I'm not on a search to find someone to spend the rest of my life with - if I date, it's to have fun, and meet people I can connect with. (in fact, I'm not a particular fan of marriage in general, but that's probably a topic for another time)
And again, some people will date simply because of a sexual need - they'll have relationships that are based purely on lust. There's nothing wrong with that - as the saying goes, it's not really our place to care about or judge what happens between two consenting adults. The same (IMHO) can be said for teenagers - and really, dating is even better for people who are still learning about themselves and exploring their own sexuality, as if gives them real experience to base this on. If I had been more open to dating when I was younger, I reckon there's a ton of shit I'd have been able to cope better with than when I actually discovered it in my first year of uni.
210% here with this!!!
It doesn't have to be about "the one" and I often wonder to myself if there is a "the one" or if I'm destined for a life time of happiness through solo ventures and wonderful romantic episodes instead of one long movie? I don't oppose this. Not even a little bit.
I had a boyfriend for just under 5 years from aged 14 until almost a year ago, and I don't regret it at all despite the painful ending. Because with the painful ending came the most magical rebirth and during those years - he is exactly what I wanted. He is not what I want now, and I'm not what he wants now. But for a long time it was a very healthy exercise in communications, empathy, time management, dispute resolution, and so on. Was it love? Yeah. I won't say it wasn't despite the nasty ending. Because it was love! I don't believe in just one love, though.