ATAR Notes: Forum
VCE Stuff => VCE English Studies => VCE Subjects + Help => VCE English & EAL => Topic started by: lakvinu on February 21, 2019, 07:28:22 pm
-
Hello,
i wrote a personal reflection for my creative. Im really bad at english and my language does not flow. (Also if you can add better vocab to it even more helpful. )Can someone pls read my creative pls and correct it. So basically my plan is to write basically a personal reflection where my grandfather rescues an elephant instead of a tiger quoll. Its like a short story. Its basically extinction with my heritiage added to it. Thank you. Also pls correct as soon as possible. Really helpful
I haven’t been here in ages I thought to myself and I wondered why. The spicy, peppery and flavoursome smell of food and spice hit me as I opened the door. I had arrived in Sri Lanka approximately 2 hours ago and I have currently arrived at my Grandmothers house. The moment I arrived here, I was speculated by the incredible and beautiful scenery but also the fresh air. I began to slowly recount a memory of my time here and felt a bit nostalgic. After resting for a bit in my grandmother’s house, my Grandmother started talking to my sisters and I. “Did you know that your grandfather was a great man? She asserted. “Around 70 years ago when your grandfather and I was young, around 20 to 30 years old, you grandfather rescued and saved the extinction of an Elephant species. ”
One day your uncle and I were walking and wondered upon a chained elephant. We were bewildered at the sight and were infuriated. We rushed to see the owner and questioned how you can do this; however, the result was not pleasant. To make the matter worse, we discovered that this elephant was one of the very few surviving elephants of that species. To the owner, this only increased the value of the elephant. He had decided to kill the elephant and use he’s tusk and other valuables as a resource to earn money. Your grandfather cared a lot about animals, you see and he was extremely aggravated. After some time thinking, he realised that since he was one of the very few elephants of he’s kind, shouldn’t they be protected under the law. He immediately contacted a colleague of his.
He’s friend works at environment centre called the CAPE institute. Your grandfather expressed he’s opinion passionately how he is one of the last of his kind and how important it is so save him. However, according to his friend, in order to protect an animal, there current numbers and the survival success matters. However, according to the Index which determines if it is possible, their current numbers are far too low to make it possible for them survive, as a result the law does not protect them. Your grandfather continued to argue heavily but it was for nothing. After coming back from meeting he’s friend, he was furious. He’s family and friends also expressed an unwelcoming opinion. They said, “it’s a waste of time,” ,”there’s no chance of them surviving,” and “it’s only going to end bad for you.”
I myself was a zoologist and thus I too wanted to save the poor animal, so I supported your grandfather. But I too felt that it was almost impossible for this to happen. One thing that made me want to support your grandfather was that he once said “as long as I can at least help with one elephant, this poor creature, I will be happy. “ After that Your Uncle and I, first attempted to rescue the elephant. Your grandfather of course would have used physical force to rescue him, but I managed to convince him to do it legally. We first appealed to the neighbours and influenced and caused awareness.
Then “…..ohh, look at the time, its almost dinner time, let’s go eat, I will finish the story another time.” We were all disappointed and wanted to know how the story ends.” We all ate and went to sleep wondering about the ending. In the morning, our grandmother took us to a safari it was around twenty to thirty minutes from the house. As we were walking, we saw various animals from giraffe’s lions, tiger’s and other animals. Then we saw elephants. There was also a sign depicting their species. Then there it said, “These elephants were single-handedly saved by one man ----------------.” My grandmother was smiling and crying probably at the thought of thinking about my grandfather. A sense of hope appealed to me, how one man can change the existence of an entire species of elephant. How things said to be impossible were made possible and how my grandfather despite everyone being against him, he made what he wanted possible.
-
Your story would have more impact if you started with the part about the captured elephant. Keep your idea of this episode being told by the grandmother (using direct speech). You can add a bit more description and make it vivid for the reader - where is the elephant confined? Is the setting of this part of the story a village or an isolated house - give a bit more detail about this. Then you move to the impact on the listener - so what could the uncle do? Then the grandmother can proceed with the story and explanation about the definition of "extinction." This can be followed with your own response to the environment and the safari. Also, for a personal reflection you should be emphasising that this experience was life changing for you - how were your own ideas challenged or changed? What will readers learn from your experience - why is it important for them that you share this experience with them?
-
Hello,
i wrote a personal reflection for my creative. Im really bad at english and my language does not flow. (Also if you can add better vocab to it even more helpful. )Can someone pls read my creative pls and correct it. So basically my plan is to write basically a personal reflection where my grandfather rescues an elephant instead of a tiger quoll. Its like a short story. Its basically extinction with my heritiage added to it. Thank you. Also pls correct as soon as possible. Really helpful
I haven’t been here in ages, I thought to myself, and I wondered why. The spicy, peppery and flavoursome smell of food and spice hit me as the moment I opened the door. I had arrived in Sri Lanka approximately 2 hours ago, and I had currently arrived at just enteredmy Grandmothers house. From the moment I arrived here landed (sorry not sure if you mean arriving at your Grandmother's or Sri Lanka), I was speculatedastounded (Sorry again, not sure what you meant) not onlyby the incredible and beautiful scenery, but also bythe fresh air. I began to slowly recount a memory of my time here and felt a bit nostalgic. After resting for a bit in my grandmother’s house, my Grandmother started talking to my sisters and I. “Did you know that your grandfather was a great man? She asserted. “Around 70 years ago when your grandfather and I was young, around 20 to 30 years old, you grandfather rescued and saved the extinction of an Elephant species. ”
She began to tell us the story, her eyes proud at the thought of her husband.
"One day, your uncle and I were walking and wandered upon a chained elephant. We were bewildered and infuriated at the sight and were infuriated. We rushed to see the owner, and immeadiatelyquestioned him, asking him how he could possibly do this; however, the result was not pleasant. To make the matter worse, we discovered that this elephant was one of the very few surviving elephants of that species. To the owner, this only increased the value of the elephant. He had decided to kill the elephant and use he's his tusk and other valuables as a resource to earn money." Turning to look each of us in the eye, she continued. "You see, your grandfather cared a lot about animals, you see and he was extremely aggravated. After spendingsome time thinking, he realised that since he the elephant was one of the very few last remaining elephants of he’s his kind, shouldn’t they be protected under the law. Spurred on by this thought,he immediately contacted a colleague of his.
He’s"Your Grandfather's friend works at environmental centre called the CAPE institute. Your grandfather Whilst on the phone,you Grandfatherexpressed he’shis opinion passionately, explaining howhethe elephant is one of the last of it kind and how important it is to save it. However," my Grandmother continued sadly, "according to his friend, in order to protect an animal, there theircurrent numbers and the survival success matters. However, According to the Index which determines if it is possible, their current numbers are far too low to make it possible for them survive, andas a result the law does not protect them. Your grandfather continued to argue heavilywith all his heart but it was to no availfor nothing. After coming back from meeting he’shis friend, he was furious. He’shis family and friends also expressed an unwelcoming opinion. They said,told him that “it was a waste of time,”and that ,”there’s no chance of them surviving,”warning that “it’s only going to end bad for you.”
"I myself was a zoologist, and thus I too wanted to save the poor animal, so I supported your grandfather. But I too felt that it was almost impossible for this to happen. One thing that made me want to support your grandfather was that he once said “as long as I can at least help with one elephant, this poor creature, I will be happy. “ After that your uncle and I first attempted to rescue the elephant. Your grandfather, of course, would have used physical force to rescue him, but I managed to convince him to do it legally. We first appealed to the neighbours, and by doing so,influenced (sorry do you mean that you influenced the neighbours?) and caused createdawareness."
ThenBy now, all of us were deeply intreseted in the story. However, at that exact moment, my Grandmother stood up and walked off, telling us “…..ohh, look at the time, its almost dinner time, let’s go eat, I will finish the story another time.” We were all disappointed and wanted to know how the story ends. We all ate and went to sleep, wondering about the ending. In the morning, our grandmother took us to a safari thatwas around twenty to thirty minutes from the house. As we were walking, we saw various animals rangingfrom giraffes to lions, tigers and other animals. Then we saw the elephants. There was also a sign depicting their species. On it, there it saidthe word read: “These elephants were single-handedly saved by one man ----------------.” My grandmother was smiling and crying probably at the thought of thinking about my grandfather. A sense of hope appealed filled me to me, thinking about how one man can change the existence of an entire species of elephant. About how things said to be impossible were made possible, and how my grandfather despite everyone being against him, he made what he wanted possible.
Hey lakvinu,
First of all, I honestly loved your story. The plot was excellent and I truly enjoyed reading it! With the corrections, I'm no expert and if you don't like any of them, please tell me. Apart from a few grammar mistakes, the piece was essentially really, really good. Again, my corrections aren't final and please don't feel obliged to listen to them.
Great job again, and good luck with this year!
Ps: Some of the spacing is off, please ignore that, thanks
Digdog123
-
Hello, thank you for the replies for all the replies. digdog123 Thank you for the editing very helpful. OZLexico i tried to add more
descriptive language in there. But, im not sure how to start with the part about the captured elephant. How would i be able to show the audience that this is a story created by my grandmother, wouldnt it be confusing. Can you pls tell me how?. Can you if you can pls read what i wrote and correct it, thank you.
I haven’t been here in ages I thought to myself and I wondered why. The spicy, peppery and flavoursome smell of food and spice hit me the moment I opened the door. I had arrived in Sri Lanka approximately 2 hours ago and I had just entered my Grandmother’s house. From, the moment I arrived, I was astounded by the endless sight of trees, almost like they reach the clouds. The leaves covered with beautiful shades of orange and red. With the trees home to many birds, I hear the crows cawing, and the parrots chirping. Whilst, the pleasant breeze brushing against my face leaving a cool sensation. I began to slowly recount a memory of my time here and felt a bit nostalgic. After resting for a bit in my grandmother’s house, my Grandmother started talking to my sisters and I. “Did you know that your grandfather was a great man? She asserted. “Around 70 years ago when your grandfather and I was young, around 20 to 30 years old, you grandfather rescued and saved the extinction of an Elephant species. ”
She began to tell us the story, her eyes proud at the thought of her husband. “One day your grandfather and I were walking and suddenly heard the cry and the scream of an elephant. We rushed and wondered upon an isolated house in the middle of a forest. From the outside, the house was tall and thin, made from large dark grey stones that had a rough feel all of this sandwiched together by crumbling cement. Plants grew up the house winding around the drainpipes grabbing for the little sunshine that reached this desolate place. The windows rattled vigorously from the howling winds. As though, they were about to fall out of the frames which were made from rotting wood. Upon opening the rotted away door, we witnessed an elephant chained with spikes forced into its skin and felt the misery of the elephant. We were bewildered and infuriated at the sight.
We immediately rushed to see the owner and questioned him, asking him how he could possible do this; however, the result was not pleasant. To make the matter worse, we discovered that this elephant was one of the very few surviving elephants of that species. To the owner, this only increased the value of the elephant. He had decided to kill the elephant and use he’s tusk and other valuables as a resource to earn money. “Turning to look each of us in the eye, she continued. ”You see, your grandfather cared a lot about animals, and he was extremely aggravated. After spending some time thinking, he realised that since the elephant was one of the last remaining elephants of his kind, they be protected under the law. Spurred on by this thought, he immediately contacted a colleague of his.
“Your Grandfather’s friend works at an environment centre called the CAPE institute. Whilst on the phone, your grandfather expressed his opinion passionately, explaining how the elephant is one of the last of his kind and how important it is to save him. However, “my grandmother continued sadly, “according to his friend, in order to protect an animal, their current numbers and the survival success matters. According to the Index which determines if it is possible, their current numbers are far too low to make it possible for them survive, and as a result the law does not protect them. Your grandfather continued to argue with all his heart asserting “they are all worth saving,”, but it was to no avail. After coming back from meeting his friend, he was furious. His family and friends also expressed an unwelcoming opinion. They told him that , “this is living in the real world,” and that ,”they are functionally extinct,” warning that “it’s only going to end bad for you”
“I myself was a zoologist and thus I too wanted to save the poor animal, so I supported your grandfather. But I too felt that it was almost impossible for this to happen. One thing that made me want to support your grandfather was that he once said “as long as I can at least help with one elephant, this poor creature, I will be happy. “ After that Your Uncle and I, attempted to rescue the elephant. Your grandfather of course would have used physical force to rescue him, but I managed to convince him to do it legally. We first appealed to the neighbours and by doing so influenced and created awareness.
By now, all of us were deeply interested in the story. However, at that exact moment, my Grandmother stood up and walked off, telling us “…..ohh, look at the time, its almost dinner time, let’s go eat, I will finish the story another time.” We were all disappointed and wanted to know how the story ends.” We all ate and went to sleep wondering about the ending. In the morning, our grandmother took us to a safari that was around twenty to thirty minutes from the house. As we were walking, we witnessed children feeding bananas to monkeys and various animals from giraffe’s lions, tiger’s. Then just a few steps ahead on the left side, we saw the elephants. There was also a sign depicting their species. On it the words read, “These elephants were single-handedly saved by one man ----------------.” My grandmother was smiling and crying at the thought of my grandfather. A sense of hope filled me, thinking about how one man can change the existence of an entire species of elephant. About how things said to be impossible were made possible and how my grandfather despite everyone being against him, made what he wanted possible. In this moment, my heart felt a sudden urge, and a sense of strength awoke upon me. I wanted to do things that I thought was impossible. I wanted to achieve things that are impossible.
-
You have actually made some really good improvements in the description in your opening paragraph. The scene setting here is much better than your earlier version. My suggestion about starting with the elephant story was intended to help with putting your reader right in the crucial part of this reflection, however, the changes you've made to the first two paragraphs have made this more vivid - well done. Your expression is a little awkward at times - "I began to recount a memory of my time here and felt a bit nostalgic." do you mean that just being in your grandmother's house reminds you of the story about the rare elephant she told you? When did this occur, how old were you when you heard this story? Can you clarify this? Also where you say "your grandfather rescued and saved the extinction of an Elephant species” this should be rephrased "your grandfather saved a rare elephant species from extinction."
In the second paragraph you say "We rushed and wondered upon an isolated house ..." Do you mean "We rushed towards the sound and stumbled upon an isolated house".
In the third paragraph you use the word "elephant" a lot. Instead you could refer to it as "one of the few survivors of its species", this only "increased its value' and he'd decided "to kill it and use the tusks". There are also a few problems with grammar in this e.g. the friend "worked" at an environment centre and "how important it was to save him".
In the fourth paragraph, you could clarify the "legal" rescue of the elephant (what did the neighbours do to help? How were your relatives able to create "awareness", "awareness" of what?
When you say you were taken to a "safari" do you mean "a zoo" or a "safari park"? In your final comments where you highlight the inspiration you feel as a result of your grandfather's actions, is there a bit more to this? Is there a combination of the sight of this rare animal alive and thriving, the initiative of your grandfather and his courage to turn his desire into reality. In this sense he inspired those around him to take part in achieving his dream to save the elephant species and he also inspires you in the way he succeeded in something where others had accepted extinction as the only outcome for this creature.