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‘Our relationships with others help us define who we are’
‘A man’s sense of self is defined by his feelings and the quality of his relationships’. British Philosopher John Gray’s musing epitomises the importance of relationships – that is, the connections that we have with other people – on our sense of identity. It is through our relationships that we are able to explore and communicate our personal aspirations, morals and values. Thus, it seems that our relationships with others help us define who we are as individuals. However, although relationships play a significant role in the formation of our identities, it is not absolute; there are many other factors which contribute to our identities. Through the study of various sources such as ‘Growing Up Asian in Australia’, such ideas are illuminated.
It is through our relationships which help us find our morals and values. Humans are social beings that advance through the use of communication to convey ideas, values and culture. From the onset of birth, we are exposed to these aspects through communicating with the first people we form relationships with – our family. It is through them that we attain our initial values and direction in life. For example, in the story ‘Pig from Home’, Hop Dac reveals that she ‘was brought up in the belief that any good Vietnamese family was a self-sustaining one’, demonstrating that cultural values were implanted in her through her filial relationship with her parents. The notion of attaining our values and culture through our relationships is also seen in the film ‘Witness’ by Peter Weir. An individual is born into the Amish community and through their relationship with other Amish people, they are brought up with Amish values and culture. They live their lives with strong adherence to the rules of the ‘Ordnung’ and even though they are surrounded by the modern world, they choose to live a relatively technology-free life. This strong obedience to a set of rules is maintained through the strong bonds within and between families. The influence of the Amish community on the individual is reinforced through community meetings, the passing on of values from elders to the young and activities which promote camaraderie, as depicted in the scene where the community come together to build a barn. Thus, our relationships with others early in life expose us to their values and culture which contributes to our sense of who we are.
Our sense of self is strengthened through our relationships with others. There is an innate need in humans to feel accepted and valued by others, especially by those who are emotionally attached to them. The identity of individuals is reaffirmed through positive feedback from friends, family, and co-workers. For example, the social networking site of Facebook has become a global phenomenon due to its ability to connect people with others that would not be possible in reality; it overcomes geographical and distance barriers, as well as unintentional barriers that arise in institutional contexts, such as different schools and workplaces. Playing on the human need for acceptance, Mark Zuckerberg ingeniously devised the ‘Like’ button which serves to express one’s acceptance of a status post, photo, or other forms of media presented by another individual. Consequently, an individual’s self-esteem is heightened by the approval and acknowledgement of their interests and thoughts. The notion of relationships fortifying our sense of self is also pointed out in Erik Erikson’s stages of development theory, wherein there is a stage that young adults reach between ‘Intimacy and Solidarity vs Isolation’. People at this stage tend to seek out deep intimacy and satisfying relationships in order to validate their identity through the expression of thoughts and interests with their loved ones. Failure to achieve this may result in isolation and therefore experience confusion with their identity and low self-esteem. However, isolating oneself from a particular relationship may also strengthen one’s own identity. For example, in ‘The Courage of Soliders’, Pauline Nguyen describes how she severed her constraining ties with her father which ultimately led her to foster self-belief and ‘find a new strength’ in herself. Thus, our relationships with others – or the absence of it – may lead to realizations of who we are.
However, relationships are not the only factors that define us. We are defined by other factors such as choice and the events and environment that surround us. Events such as the holocaust can define individuals as ‘holocaust survivors’ whilst participation in the youth movement of the 1960’s may label one as a ‘hippie’. Furthermore, even though we are not able to choose the family and culture we are born into, we are able to make choices in life that help define us as an individual. For example, in ‘Wei-Lei and Me’, when Aditi Gouvernel has the opportunity to migrate, she says that ‘Australia [which is] large, spacious and full of gaps, would be a place where we could create a new identity’, demonstrating how personal decisions can affect the dynamic nature of identity. As a result, the surrounding environment, the time and place we live in, and our relationships with others can ultimately be affected by choice.
In essence, whilst the notion that our relationships with others help us define who we are seems obvious, fascinating complexities arise when delving into the reasons why. Relationships are a gateway to exploring the very fabric of our identity, and at times, strengthen our self-esteem. However, relationships are not the only contributing factors of our identity; the choices that we make and the ensuing consequences that occur can ultimately shape and define who we are.
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