VCE Stuff > VCE English Language
English Language essay submission and marking
lm21074:
Hi there Corey!
Apologies, I only had time to look at your intro and first body paragraph. Here is my feedback! :)
IntroI'd reword it to something like to make it a bit more concise:
This highly informal press release email promoting Meghan Trainor’s new single was written by a media outlet to consumers of the media outlet. The media outlet adopts a casually intimate (is there another word you could use to describe this (e.g. personal)? I haven’t seen the text myself, but I feel like you could be a bit more clear here – as long as you describe what you mean if you wish to discuss the tone and relate it to other bits of metalanguage and concepts in your analysis) and authoritative tone, building rapport and creating social distance (I'd say increasing/extending here instead and possibly building rapport whilst/yet increasing social distance?) in order to persuade their audience to purchase Trainor’s single.
You've referred to register, social purpose, and elements of context here, which is great! :)
Function paragraphThis press release’s primary function The primary function of this press release is to persuade consumers to purchase Meghan Trainor’s new single as demonstrated through the use of prosodic features such as volume (l. 4, 5 & 6) (merged the sentences together) (perhaps describe the volume here. Also, if this is a written text, how is volume used? Also, how does the use of this prosodic feature help to achieve the function of the text?). The author uses attention grabbing techniques to help achieve this. Prosodic features such as volume (line 4, 5, 6). The author utilises the passive voice (perhaps give a specific example, rather than saying the whole paragraph 3) to increase social distance, by (maybe?) creating a feeling of authority in knowing what you want (I’m not entirely sure what you mean here as I haven’t seen the text – is the feeling of authority created in the audience? Does the passive voice encourage the audience to want to purchase the single? If so, how?) (all paragraph 3), which is of course, to purchase Meghan’s new single (perhaps you could reword this to: the author utilises the passive voice (e.g. “…” (l. number)), increasing social distance through (e.g. is there agentless passive? Maybe adopting a formal manner makes the advertisement less appealing to the audience? etc.) which creates a feeling of authority in knowing what you want. The use of verb-phrases (give an example and line number!) decreases the formality of the text (how?), creating rapport with the audience (how?), making what the author has to say more relatable and the audience more likely to listen (great!)
Just as an aside - when analysing - think 'what is the language feature?' (identify and give an example), 'why is it used?' (use analytical verbs here!), 'what is the effect?' (or what does it achieve? bring it back to what the paragraph is about - function). Also, I know I kinda shuffled things around a bit in your paragraphs but just wanted to emphasize that it might be helpful to focus on what you write rather than how you write.
Great job! :)
Corey King:
--- Quote from: lm21074 on April 14, 2021, 10:11:54 pm ---Hi there Corey!
Apologies, I only had time to look at your intro and first body paragraph. Here is my feedback! :)
IntroI'd reword it to something like to make it a bit more concise:
This highly informal press release email promoting Meghan Trainor’s new single was written by a media outlet to consumers of the media outlet. The media outlet adopts a casually intimate (is there another word you could use to describe this (e.g. personal)? I haven’t seen the text myself, but I feel like you could be a bit more clear here – as long as you describe what you mean if you wish to discuss the tone and relate it to other bits of metalanguage and concepts in your analysis) and authoritative tone, building rapport and creating social distance (I'd say increasing/extending here instead and possibly building rapport whilst/yet increasing social distance?) in order to persuade their audience to purchase Trainor’s single.
You've referred to register, social purpose, and elements of context here, which is great! :)
Function paragraphThis press release’s primary function The primary function of this press release is to persuade consumers to purchase Meghan Trainor’s new single as demonstrated through the use of prosodic features such as volume (l. 4, 5 & 6) (merged the sentences together) (perhaps describe the volume here. Also, if this is a written text, how is volume used? Also, how does the use of this prosodic feature help to achieve the function of the text?). The author uses attention grabbing techniques to help achieve this. Prosodic features such as volume (line 4, 5, 6). The author utilises the passive voice (perhaps give a specific example, rather than saying the whole paragraph 3) to increase social distance, by (maybe?) creating a feeling of authority in knowing what you want (I’m not entirely sure what you mean here as I haven’t seen the text – is the feeling of authority created in the audience? Does the passive voice encourage the audience to want to purchase the single? If so, how?) (all paragraph 3), which is of course, to purchase Meghan’s new single (perhaps you could reword this to: the author utilises the passive voice (e.g. “…” (l. number)), increasing social distance through (e.g. is there agentless passive? Maybe adopting a formal manner makes the advertisement less appealing to the audience? etc.) which creates a feeling of authority in knowing what you want. The use of verb-phrases (give an example and line number!) decreases the formality of the text (how?), creating rapport with the audience (how?), making what the author has to say more relatable and the audience more likely to listen (great!)
Just as an aside - when analysing - think 'what is the language feature?' (identify and give an example), 'why is it used?' (use analytical verbs here!), 'what is the effect?' (or what does it achieve? bring it back to what the paragraph is about - function). Also, I know I kinda shuffled things around a bit in your paragraphs but just wanted to emphasize that it might be helpful to focus on what you write rather than how you write.
Great job! :)
--- End quote ---
Thank you for the great feedback! :)
Just a question, I'm not quite sure what you mean by "it's more important to focus on what you write rather than how you write" and how that related to the corrections you made:
lm21074:
--- Quote from: Corey King on April 15, 2021, 10:47:26 am ---Thank you for the great feedback! :)
Just a question, I'm not quite sure what you mean by "it's more important to focus on what you write rather than how you write" and how that related to the corrections you made:
--- End quote ---
Sorry I didn't word that very well! I meant as a general tip, when reworking your writing, it can be helpful to focus on fleshing out your ideas as a priority, and the conciseness and expression can come second.
Corey King:
--- Quote from: lm21074 on April 15, 2021, 04:42:56 pm ---Sorry I didn't word that very well! I meant as a general tip, when reworking your writing, it can be helpful to focus on fleshing out your ideas as a priority, and the conciseness and expression can come second.
--- End quote ---
Hey there :)
I ran into a problem today around the context element of the thematic based approach to writing an AC. The problem being: do I have to cover all elements of context? If so, thats a lot to cover :P
https://pasteboard.co/JXA23wE.png
lm21074:
Hey!
You don't have to cover every single aspect of both situational and cultural context in your introduction.
I'd recommend including three things in the intro:
- Register
- Social purpose
- Context (you can use the mnemonic FARMS (field, audience, relationships between participants, mode and setting) to remember these elements - they're the ones that capture the essence of the text).
In your body paragraphs, you can analyze as many contextual features as you like, but the number you do is often dependent on the essay prompt and what evidence you choose to support your central argument.
Hope this helps :)
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version