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Literature Close Analysis Essay Submission Feedback Thread.

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charmanderp:

--- Quote from: sparshahuja9 on November 09, 2013, 01:30:31 pm ---
Thanks for this! Re : comma usage, should I try and 'loosen up' the sentences by breaking them in two, or should I use conjunctions to reduce the number of commas?

And yeah, excessively big phrases is a pitfall of mine. Will work on it over the holidays. thanks again, much appreciated.

--- End quote ---
Break the sentences up. Short is good. I'm studying Lit at university but the same problems you're having are still haunting me! So it's good to abolish the practices early.

drmockingbird:

--- Quote from: TheBoyWhoDerped on November 09, 2013, 02:14:46 pm ---Break the sentences up. Short is good. I'm studying Lit at university but the same problems you're having are still haunting me! So it's good to abolish the practices early.

--- End quote ---

I've tried doing this for the introduction - is this a bit better?

The Great Gatsby by F.Scott Fitzgerald's repudiates the idea of the "American Dream"- a romantic idealism characterised by the pursuit of material wealth and hedonistic desires, which was exceedingly prevalent 1920s New York, the setting of the novel. The duplicitous nature of such a paradigm is critiqued in Passages One and Two, where Fitzgerald's equanimous tone - established through 'soft' sounds such as in "sedative" and "velvet" lend a clarity to the extract, allows the reader to focus on the criticism. Furthermore, the development of abnegation and friction in Passage Three through the use of "muffled" and "suffocating" creates a juxtaposition between the detached authorial perspective and the characters in the text, as the reader is shown the failure of the Dream itself. Fitzgerald's objectivity is significant herein - it functions as a paragon by which the reader can measure the accuracy of not only his/her own perceptions of the novel's reality, but the perceptions of Fitzgerald's characters, whose autonomous notions of what truly is are "worn so threadbare" that, like the narrator, one cannot help but feel the "basic insincerity" that permeates them.

charmanderp:

--- Quote from: sparshahuja9 on November 11, 2013, 04:51:49 pm ---I've tried doing this for the introduction - is this a bit better?

The Great Gatsby by F.Scott Fitzgerald's repudiates the idea of the "American Dream"- a romantic idealism characterised by the pursuit of material wealth and hedonistic desires, which was exceedingly prevalent 1920s New York, the setting of the novel. The duplicitous nature of such a paradigm is critiqued in Passages One and Two, where Fitzgerald's equanimous tone - established through 'soft' sounds such as in "sedative" and "velvet" lend a clarity to the extract, allows the reader to focus on the criticism. Furthermore, the development of abnegation and friction in Passage Three through the use of "muffled" and "suffocating" creates a juxtaposition between the detached authorial perspective and the characters in the text, as the reader is shown the failure of the Dream itself. Fitzgerald's objectivity is significant herein - it functions as a paragon by which the reader can measure the accuracy of not only his/her own perceptions of the novel's reality, but the perceptions of Fitzgerald's characters, whose autonomous notions of what truly is are "worn so threadbare" that, like the narrator, one cannot help but feel the "basic insincerity" that permeates them.



--- End quote ---
The language is still too ornate. To quote my good friend Kurt Vonnegut, 'Use words that I know.' When he said 'I', he meant to make it so that the person reading it can extract the meanings and arguments you're trying to get across the first time they read each sentence.

achre:

--- Quote from: sparshahuja9 on November 11, 2013, 04:51:49 pm ---I've tried doing this for the introduction - is this a bit better?

The Great Gatsby by F.Scott Fitzgerald's repudiates the idea of the "American Dream"- a romantic idealism characterised by the pursuit of material wealth and hedonistic desires, which was exceedingly prevalent (redundant, check your expression) 1920s New York, the setting of the novel. The duplicitous nature of such a paradigm is critiqued in Passages One and Two, where Fitzgerald's equanimous tone - established through 'soft' sounds such as in "sedative" and "velvet" lend a clarity to the extract, allows the reader to focus on the criticism (would be valuable to flesh this idea out a bit, if not for the sake of the reader's own clarity, then at least to not make it seem as though you've quoted 'sedative' and 'velvet' for the sake of quoting them. Can you express this same idea in simple, informal english?). Furthermore, the development of abnegation and friction in Passage Three through the use of "muffled" and "suffocating" creates a juxtaposition between the detached authorial perspective and the characters in the text (be careful to find a balance between how closely you analyse the text versus how broad what you conclude from the text is: plucking two words from the extract may not be sufficient evidence to justify what you draw out from it, as the reader is shown the failure of the Dream itself. Fitzgerald's objectivity is significant herein - it functions as a paragon by which the reader can measure the accuracy of not only his/her own perceptions of the novel's reality, but the perceptions of Fitzgerald's characters, whose autonomous notions of what truly is are "worn so threadbare" that, like the narrator, one cannot help but feel the "basic insincerity" that permeates them.
Bold Text - Syntax.

--- End quote ---
Great work for a person whose never set foot in a 3/4 lit classroom, keep this standard up and you should kill it next year  :)
Do try to be clear in your expression though, maybe a good start could be using language a bit more sparingly - your repudiates and abnegations and paragons. It's an easy habit to pick up but a hard one to kick. They're great to have and they will score you brownie points - but don't sacrifice your clarity for the sake of exactness!

maddimarvel:

--- Quote from: DJALogical on November 09, 2013, 09:34:06 am ---Passages from Hamlet
-Act 1 Scene 2 line 129-159 (Hamlet's soliloquy)
-Act 1 Scene 5 line 42-90

The throes of passionate grief and disillusionment evident Hamlet’s despairing cry “O, that this too too solid flesh would melt”, causes the young price of Denmark to momentarily deviate from any sense of reason, allowing suicidal impulses and his melancholia to rule his mind – rendering him prone to irrational statements which generalise the “frailty” of women and the flaws of mankind. That is a super long sentence for an introductory para, stick to short succinct intros that clearly establish your overarching views. (2012 assessors report has great examples) However, while Hamlet’s hyperbolic deification of his father as “Hyperion” is unrealistic in the light of the imperfections of human existence, such an idealisation encapsulates the central position the rightful king holds in the medieval worldview. The “leperous distilment” dispatching the king’s life in an instance of murky subterfuge driven by Claudius spreads through the state of Elsinore, clouding the senses with a haze of corruption and staining any “noble” intentions with a necessity for subterranean dealings. With the natural order upturned and the world out of balance, the appearance of the Ghost and its portentous words, highlights the utter annihilation of any ability of character to trust their own senses or the words of other individuals. As the very fabric of reality forbiddingly unravels, every character too broad in Hamlet fails to uphold moral principle – they are left to agitatedly clutch at the fraying seams not realising their every dubious action only serves to further the corruption permeating their world. I like some sentences in here, although, I think you need to use more 50cent words. The KISS approach is always good!

   In the distracted meanderings of Hamlet’s grief-stricken persona of extract one, Shakespeare communicates the crippling effect the extremes of passion have on the ability to reason and form rational judgements. short works! well done. The disconnecttion between Hamlet’s central state of mind as a philosopher and his decidedly human need to express his frustration surfaces with the suicidal impulse “Oh, that this too too solid flesh would melt” which is immediately followed by his wish that the “Everlasting had not fix’d / His canon ‘gainst self-slaughter”. Even in this highly emotional state, Hamlet is unable to entirely separate his philosophical nature from his expression of grief and he oscillates between primal cries of “O God, God…Fie on’t! ah fie!” and  his metaphysical recognition of the flaws in humanity; of the “unweeded garden” possessed by “things gross in nature”.  whilst this is great, what does it establish? move back, what was shakespeare commenting on? While the melodrama evident in Hamlet’s hyperbolic declarations of how “weary, stale, flat and unprofitable” the world is demonstrates the depth of passion gripping the young prince, the true dangers of such a state lies in the blindness such emotional excess provokes. The cracks in Hamlet’s image as a paragon of enlightenment, far removed from the primitive mindset of the medieval warrior, become evident as Hamlet deviates from a logical and rational state of mind and descends into mental incontinence; taking his mother’s marriage to Claudius in “wicked speed” as a direct act of betrayal to himself. Blinded by his heightened state of emotion, Hamlet ironically becomes prey to the “fire” which burns within, vilifying Claudius as a satyr – an icon of carnal, passionate urges – while being overtaken by the same impulses himself. In addition, through placing Old Hamlet on a pedestal and highlighting his perfection and grandeur as would befit Hamlet’s earlier description of him as “Hyperion” the Greek sun god, Shakespeare conveys Hamlet’s willingness to overlook his father’s “sin” and create an idealised paragon of a father and king in order to denigrate Claudius. At the peak of his emotional tempest, Hamlet descends into a level of gross misogyny and defames all women because of his mother’s choices- bluntly stating “Frailty, thy name is woman”. Thus, through Hamlet’s fall into a rut of emotional chaos, Shakespeare reveals Hamlet’s own human frailties and the predisposition of passion to incite blindness and a loss of mental coherency.

    just from experience, try referencing the author more in the first sentences, 'Shakespeare establishes...' While passions are apt to cause temporary blindness in the individual, it is the spiteful scheming of Claudius as related by the Ghost which holds true dangers for the state of the land as a whole. The “cursed hebenon” poured into the late king’s “ear” parallels more of this! succinct quotes work. that's what the examiners want. the profoundly damaging impact on the “whole ear of Denmark” – an obscuring and dimming sometimes less is more, pick one. of the senses – leaving individuals struggling to find the truth and often resorting to underhanded methods to do so. The portentous appearance of the Ghost is an abnormal colliding of the supernatural plane with the natural world; a state of affairs symbolising the rent in the natural order of things. The Ghost’s arrogant referral to Claudius as “a serpent” and a “wretch” who seduced Gertrude through “shameful lust” taps into Hamlet’s distain for human weakness and frailty and plays on his innate disgust of his mother’s union with her uncle; a fact Hamlet believes is “incestuous”. Perhaps more importantly, through the allusions of the “serpent” and the perfect “angel” representing Gertrude, the Ghost alludes to a falling-off, reminiscent of the original sin which has Claudius as the evil one tempting Eve to fall. In the context of the Elizabethan audience – a Renaissance society holding a firm belief and understanding of God and the Bible account found in Genesis – the biblical imagery of a serpent tempting Eve would have resonated strongly and captured the illegitimacy of Claudius’ reign on the throne, having killed his brother and married the queen. It is this microcosm of the original Fall which irretrievably blemishes Denmark. Just like the Ghost, Claudius, in his ill-gotten position as king, is an intrusion on the normal course of nature. *inhale* Due to Claudius’ perfidious hand in the assassination of the instated arbiter of justice – the divine representative of God in the strict hierarchy of the medieval ruling structure and the symbolic father of the people in the land – the people of Denmark are condemned to endure under the dishonest reign of an illegitimate and duplicitous king whose predisposition to disingenuous conversation and blatant espionage produces an atmosphere of suspicion and distrust which permeates and corrupts. breathe! full stops allow for people to take a breath!





Would love any feedback!  :) I am doing Literature 1/2 currently and preparing for 3/4 next year. We did Hamlet this year.

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You are talented! If I could write like this in year 11 I would be super happy. You should see some of the people who were in my class, they thought they could turn it into an english essay (lets not go there...).

Try move away from the thesaurus, stick with simplicity to develop ideas rather than trying to sound articulate. I'm sure your more basic essays would be a lot more cohesive (not sure if that's the word I'm looking for tbh).

More of what Shakespeare was doing, how does he do it and why? Syntactical construction- how does Shakespeare construct this etc. Be subtle but not too subtle! It's the impossible (yet possible) balance :P

Also- last thing, do you think you could write this in an hour from three passages? My teacher always asked me that, got me thinking and really condensed my essays. Otherwise, it's getting there! Great essay. Nothing to worry about for next year. NOW REST YOUR BRAIN FOR YEAR 12!!  ;)

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