VCE Stuff > VCE English Work Submission and Marking
Compilation of Text Response Feedback
Damoz.G:
^^^^
Well done. I don't feel like I'm a person to give it a mark because I could be wrong, but a bit of my feedback:
* You've talked about Dickens' messages in the novella, but I think there needs to be more focus the bit about educating. I can see it in your piece at times, but I think you can make it a bit stronger. Talk about its relevance today, and how is it relevant. Dickens wrote this a while ago, so how can his readers today be able to relate to it? I think a few more STRONG topic sentences of these on your paragraphs will strengthen your piece.
* Could improve the wording and phrasing of "Dickens insinuates that if we change the path we are on and seek to help others, we may be able to better someone’s life or in fact, save them." You could emphasise and explain more of Dickens' message here, and state that Scrooge learnt that it was his responsibility to help, as a result of benefitting from industrialisation.
* Also, you gotta underline the title of the book, instead of using inverted commas. Also, you don't need to restate the book name and Dickens' name in your conclusion. Instead you could write something like: "In essence, Dickens' novella is not"....then continue on.
* Elaborate on your point about Ignorance and Want.
Oh, and by the way, no one is in the upper class in ACC - Scrooge is in the middle class.
No doubt that you have pretty much explained Dickens' messages, but you just gotta elaborate more of it in relation to the educating part.
Other than that, great job! :)
DoctorWho:
--- Quote from: Damoz. on October 15, 2013, 09:52:56 pm ---^^^^
Well done. I don't feel like I'm a person to give it a mark because I could be wrong, but a bit of my feedback:
* You've talked about Dickens' messages in the novella, but I think there needs to be more focus the bit about educating. I can see it in your piece at times, but I think you can make it a bit stronger. Talk about its relevance today, and how is it relevant. Dickens wrote this a while ago, so how can his readers today be able to relate to it? I think a few more STRONG topic sentences of these on your paragraphs will strengthen your piece.
* Could improve the wording and phrasing of "Dickens insinuates that if we change the path we are on and seek to help others, we may be able to better someone’s life or in fact, save them." You could emphasise and explain more of Dickens' message here, and state that Scrooge learnt that it was his responsibility to help, as a result of benefitting from industrialisation.
* Also, you gotta underline the title of the book, instead of using inverted commas. Also, you don't need to restate the book name and Dickens' name in your conclusion. Instead you could write something like: "In essence, Dickens' novella is not"....then continue on.
* Elaborate on your point about Ignorance and Want.
Oh, and by the way, no one is in the upper class in ACC - Scrooge is in the middle class.
No doubt that you have pretty much explained Dickens' messages, but you just gotta elaborate more of it in relation to the educating part.
Other than that, great job! :)
--- End quote ---
Thanks for the tips! So would it be better to just refer to them as the wealthier class? Also, should I underline the title of the book when I'm writing my essay in the exam?
Damoz.G:
--- Quote from: John__Doe on October 15, 2013, 11:41:55 pm ---Thanks for the tips! So would it be better to just refer to them as the wealthier class? Also, should I underline the title of the book when I'm writing my essay in the exam?
--- End quote ---
Well, if you really wanted to, you can refer to them as the wealthier class. But I don't state it in my essays, because your examiner is most likely going to already know that Scrooge is in the middle class. Personally, I wouldn't do it, but if you really want to, then you can refer to them as the wealthy class.
Yes, you have to underline A Christmas Carol whenever you state the name. You have to do the same thing with Language Analysis when stating the company/publisher of the Newspaper, or Blog name, etc.
brenden:
--- Quote from: ahat on October 09, 2013, 01:18:34 pm ---War Poems :) Feedback appreciated.
Owen describes a state of moral and physical disorder, using great control of poetic form and structure.
Owen’s poetry is relentless in its denunciation of war. The macabre imagery of his verse reveals the morphing of the soldier’s reality – of young men “ardent for some desperate glory” to a satanic scene where “death became absurd but life became absurder.” Owen’s anthology is sentiment to his conviction that the poet must share the suffering – even the self sacrifice of the troops – so he too could bear witness to “man’s inhumanity to man.” By doing so, Owen aimedwriter in present tense. he aims. to expose the complacent civilian populations to the moral and physical disorder of war, not on a merely superficial level, but to the point where the reader could truly envisage the suffering of the soldiers. His precise intertwining between poetic device and bittersweet narrative accomplishedaccomplishes (also, seems rather subjective, don't you think? this aim, so the reader could relive the tragic tale of the men of war. Despite his disturbing tale, Owen also exemplifiedexemplifies. this will be the last time I mention it. the feelings of love and fellowship that existed sempiternally between the soldiers, even in the disorder of the battlefield.
‘Has your soul sipped’ and ‘Strange Meeting’ provide an antithetical interpretation for morality in war. Whereas ‘Strange Meeting’ boasts the deep felt empathy between the soldiers even in the derision of ‘Hell’, ‘Has your soul sipped’ tells of the carnal pleasures of murder and death. The inclusion of ‘soul’ in the title has immediate connotations of death – the poem seems to be the description of an event that goes beyond flesh and blood and is almost other worldly. Owen’s use of sibilance in the title (‘soul sipped’) sets an appropriately sinister tone for the poem and foreshadows the shocking revelation at the end. The use of pararhyme (‘sweet’/’sweat’,’ meaning’/’mourning’) and anaphora (repetition of ‘sweeter’) speeds up the flow of the verse, reflecting the increasing excitement of the speaker as he describes his pleasure being even “sweeter than the nightingales” – the voices of the soldiers who sing of hope and glory . The story culminates in the murder of soldier, a boy, dead and no longer considered a ‘threat’. In this macabre scene as the boy’s ‘life tide’ slowly seeps into the ground is the violence of war seen as appalling rather than pleasing. After being exposed to such a horrendous tale does the reader finally begin to comprehend the attrition of warsubjective? instead, bring it back to the prompt ''Ultimately, Owen highlights.... Empathy is felt for these “doomed youth” who “die as cattle” and their deaths are considered all the more heinous and sacrilegious due to this twisted fate. Can't fault this without having read the text. I'd normally say to be wary of dashes but they feel okay here.
This role of fate and God’s overruling power is a strong motif in Owen’s verse. He reveals his antipathy towards an almighty being who refused to “assuage the tears” or “fill these void veins full again with youth” of the lives He had knowingly shortened. Owen draws parallels between the biblical tale of Abraham and the genocide of Europe in ‘Parable of the old man and the young’ to highlight God’s blasphemous nonchalance. Metaphorically representing God as the ‘Old man’ Owen describes how God refused to accept the “Angel” who “called …out of heaven” which would have meant an end to the war. Rather, the decision to reject the offer had an impact that would be felt for generations, and as such, Owen consummates his poem in a couplet that hyperbolises this impact. This rejection had such a quick and unavoidable effect, (and hence the faster pace of the couplet)not a fan of brackets at all. that the youth of Europe were left to perish “one by one”. Owen’s stringent use poetic convention serves to highlight his abhorrence of those who propagated war. not sure if it's just because i'm unfamiliar with the text or the poetry talk, but -- analysis in relation to the prompt? Are we talking about God's moral disorder? spell it out.
Owen’s poetry reveals that real enemies of the young men were not soldiers or Germans who were “scarcely thought of,” but in fact the army officials of their own country who were only too willing to help them “throw away their knees.” This was the most immoral act of all. Army officials, generals and leaders, people who were idolised for their “smart salutes” and “jewelled hilts”, role models for the naïve and innocent younger generations,this extensive description of hte soldiers is very distracting in this sentence. were the ones only too willing to “smiling[ly], [write] the lie [of age]”. These were men who Owen described as having “famines of thought and feeling,” people who if they had been subject to the “smothering dreams” that they had forced upon the soldiers, would never have told “the Old lie” with such “high zest”. Owen denounces these men and aims to eternalise the story of the soldiers in verse so that the same mistakes never happen againyou might be doing it really subtly but I think the prompt connection is too implicit. Seems that way without having read it or read any other essays on WP, anyway..
War was far removed from the glorious “pleasure” that the soldier’s thought it was. Young, strong men were transformed into “old beggars” and “hags” due to the physical disorder of war. Rather, war was an ecstatic and adrenaline fuelled pit of terror that had no end, exemplified in the long, running sentences of “Dulce et decorum est”. The sudden change of meter of the poem reveals the grudging acceptance of the soldiers for the fate they were sealed to, of “blood-shod” feet and “drowning as if under a green sea”. This is interesting - you could even devote a paragraph to meter and say how the structure of hissentenes or poetic devise or whatever emphasise the moral condemnation, and that would be pretty direct on the prompt. This paragraph seems a bit short, but I guess it works okay considering the structure of your piece and just making the quick meter point. nb, nb
Owen constantly talks of a world which seems on the verge of disintegration, and as such, makes use of pararhyme and half-rhyme that produce this sense of dissonance. The whole world of the poem is a cracked and damaged place to be, the rhymes are broken (and frequently irritating) so much noto match the world of war that in no way resembled society which kept its remnants of morality.
--- End quote ---
You're a skilled writer. Honestly, I think someone more familiar with War Poems would be able to give you much better feedback. You're a good enough writer than I can't suggest big improvements simply without reading the text. It seems like a really great essay though, but I'm not sure how strongly it connects to the prompt. It seems to gloss over it slightly.
shooterblitz:
--- Quote from: Damoz. on October 15, 2013, 09:52:56 pm ---
Oh, and by the way, no one is in the upper class in ACC - Scrooge is in the middle class.
--- End quote ---
Doesn't that come down to the interpretation? Because at our school, we looked at the text with a Marxist perspective, whereby Scrooge belongs to the bourgeoisie part of Victorian London, and characters like Bob Cratchit + family are considered a part of the proletariat class.
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version