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Patches:

--- Quote from: Brencookie on October 27, 2013, 10:57:53 am ---Is it, though? :p

--- End quote ---
Meant to say usually will be - the vcaa ones usually seem to be some kind of pithy pun with something to talk about :P

darvell:

--- Quote from: Alwin on October 27, 2013, 11:01:58 am --- Darvell, is it a stylistic thing to include sub-arguments in the intro, or is it actually assessed? I've never done it before, try to keep my intros as brief as possible

--- End quote ---

Stylistic. You want to be brief in the intro but you can also be TOO brief hahaha.
I wouldn't say you'd get marked down for not including it, you've just got to make sure your intro isn't one sentence long, it makes the essay really disproportionate I reckon! You also have to be careful you don't overdo it, I tend to borderline overdo it hahaha (1-2 is usually fine!)

Patches:
Just on that, there is absolutely no marking criteria as to the structure of your piece, and definitely not your introduction. There's nothing you 'must' have in your essay to score well. The chief assessor, for instance, says to keep the introduction as brief as possible (2 sentences generally). That said, there's no reason why you couldn't have a ten sentence intro if you wanted to.

brenden:
You'd actually have to include the image ^, assuming the assessors take a somewhat strict interpretation of the criteria.

Alwin, when I get home I'll tell you about your remaining questions (I see you talking about colon or semi-colons etc).

But yeah above is correct. Your structure isn't directly assessed; your teachers, tutors, myself etc recommend structures in a particular way that we would hope predisposes you to hitting the criteria. Hitting the criteria is what's important and I guess different people have different ideas of the bet way to do it.

KingofDerp:

--- Quote from: darvell on October 26, 2013, 11:58:01 pm ---The financial distress caused by increasingly high tuition fees has sparked actionor even debate? (Havent read the article, but usually there's debate hahah)  this sentence is a little short, seems like it ends suddenly. within university students. Whilst some have sought alternative methods of generating funds, the typical university student ventures into the world of part time employment. Seems like you are writing another article here - probably unnecessary. You want to make sure that everything you include is what the author believes (mostly anyway) In this context, Dan Olsen (a current student), sent a letter with an attached photograph to his trusted teacher Mrs Tran in hope of gaining assistance in securing a position at Simm’s Automotive as a bookkeeper. The letter, sent on May 16th, attempts to garner support in applying for the work through highlighting his interpersonal and academic skills. In doing so, Olsen emphasizes the main factors that not only make him suitable for a position, but deserving of Mrs Tran’s assistance also.Is there an image? If there is an image we want a short description of the image here and how it introduces/relates to the issue.

Ostensibly this word means like "apparently, supposedly" - you cant apparently contend something, be careful :P , Olsen contended 1. NEVER EVERRRRRRRR WRITE IN PAST TENSE haha (this will automatically make your writing heaps better) 2. We want to state the author's contention, but we also want to be a bit more subtle so that it doesn't sound like a checklist. The author asserts, highlights, argues? Google "verbs showing authorial intent" to find more! that “if {he}wrong brackets. [he] were to get this job it would make a great difference” and that through Mrs Tran providing him with such assistance, “costs would decrease.” In doing so, he emphasized ill stop pointing out the past tense from here on, but make sure you fix it all up! his financial concerns and a sense of benefits her aid would provide. In this context, Olsen developed an endearing tone I will avoid saying this personally, just hate explicitly listing things. Instead you can say "Olsen endearingly blah blah" - however some people do use it, so it's up to you to arouse sympathy within the readerhow? . Such a mood to the piece weird phrasing - are you trying to say that she is pragmatic? Might sound better hahaha was achieved in the initial apology, “I’m sorry I was unable to talk to you on the phone…” reflecting a level of courteousness in Olsen’s character, immediately appealing to the reader how? why? . Similarly, through illustrating her “kind” don't quote unless you are going to explain the connotations, intended effect, how this effect is achieved and why the author does it. Unnecessary quoting is a really bad habit - won't get you any extra marks! nature and abilities as a respectable teacher, Olsen aimed to invoke a heightened sense of purpose and vocation alongside emotions of self-admiration within Mrs Tran how does "kind" do this though? Make sure you clearly explain the link between the word and the effect. . In a similar way, Olsen’s opening and closing statements “Dear Mrs Tran” and “Yours sincerely, Dan Olsen” not only serve to establish a level of formality but a sense of respect and endearment toward his teacher seems like you might be dawdling on the one point for too long here. See if there's some strong, manipulative language that you can pick out instead. . From the outset of the letter, it is apparent that through illustrating his family hardships quote??, consequently, a level of pity is evoked in the reader how/why??. Particularly, through the short retrospective glimpse into a time “when {his}again wrong bracket, make sure you fix this issue hahaha mother was so ill three years ago.” Olsen employs such a technique this to garner a sense of pathos through his letter,how? thus enhancing his chances at acquiring her assistance. The accompanying image also supports this notion, through creating a sense of family unity, apparent in their cheerful expressions. Additionally, the photograph exemplified the positive effect of Mrs Tran’s support in the past, increasing the likelihood of her volunteering to help again in another difficult phase of Olsen’s life.  We want to be able to write a whole paragraph on the image - it's really important

Furthermore, Olsen further develops his contention through alluding to the positive opinions of others, such as that of Mr Vukotic. In this way, (First sentence seemed a bit waffly, wasn't doing much for you) Moreover, Olsen reinforces how adults view him to substantiate Mrs Tran’s already positive perspective of him. This is particularly apparent in Olsen’s allusions to the fact that Mr Vukotic “is confident” connotations? effect on reader? how is effect created? with his capabilities, thus, strengthening the notion that Olsen indeed deserves such an opportunityhow??. Similarly, the reference to Mr Rowe feeling “pretty pleased” with Olsen’s co-curricular activities highlights his involvements beyond that of academics and an endearing natureok, cool. But what is the effect on the reader. Why has this been included? How does it intend to make them feel?? . Whilst Olsen maintains a highly enthusiastic and professional profile throughout the letter, conversational advances were often made as a means of establishing a friendship between student and teacher. make sure your sentences are directly related to how the author intends to manipulate the reader, it's pretty easy to get off track! :P Such a technique is particularly resonant in the use of rhetoric, inquiring as to whether “Mr Rose {is} still Head of Theatres?”I personally will always avoid analysing rhetorical questions, as you can pretty much say the same thing for them every time they occur. If you are set on analysing them, make sure you're including the effect it has on the reader! In a similar nature, {the job} would probably be more interesting than stacking shelves!” where does this quote start? aims not only to divulge opinion but to prompt an exchange between ‘friends’ whilst still maintaining a sense of formality. effect on reader thoguh?

ok cool, image paragraph.
I'd describe the image a bit before divulging into what it meansThe accompanying photograph depicting Olsen and his mother is employed as a symbol of survival, yet also acts as a reminder of the social support provided by Mrs Tran. In this context, the photograph directly links to one of Olsen’s evocations of the “awful stuff” that occurred in his high school years. The imagery promotes a sense of overcoming struggle and illustrates their relationship one to have endured hardship alright cool. Make sure you're explaining HOW the photograph shows this though. . Thus, it acts as a tool to arouse pity for his clearly troublesome situation why/how?. Yet despite such struggles, Olsen is seen to have succeeded in his academic endeavours, particularly evident in the focus on his prizes won for “top in Business Studies and Account” along with English scores he emphasized Mrs Tran as partly responsible for.seems like you're analysing the issue, not the language! Through such references, Olsen not only reflects on the resilience he displayed towards his studies,how? but his ability to simultaneously exceed whilst faced with tremendous family concernsagain, how is it created??. Thus, he is reinforces his capacity to display motivation, likely increasing Mrs Tran’s interested in writing an engaging piece for Olsen’s desire workplace. would like to see some more quotes from the article alongside the image analysis, but this is a really good start!

Dan Olsen aimed to persuade his teacher Mrs Tran, to write a professional piece augmenting his chances of securing part time employment. In doing so, he contendedsame deal (even though this is the conclusion pleeeease still make sure you're fixing the tense) that despite all the hardships that have beset him, he holds the capability of maintaining resilience and a positive ”work ethic.” Such a concept was encompassed in the attached photograph, reflecting his strength and endurance manifest. In this way, Olsen provides undeniable appeal that aims to garner Mrs Tran’s full support in developing an engaging supporting statement as his referee for the prospective employer.

I think part of why you've struggled with this is because it's a letter for reference and not an article - which is understandable. But just remember, VCAA are sly as and you need to be ready for any curve ball!

Good luck with it :)

--- End quote ---


LOL THATS WHAT I THOUGHT. my teachers said to write in past tense and i was like looool ok xD but yeh im used to writing current tense. also you pointed out "How" or "why" alot, but I either explain it in the next sentence or the previous one for mostof the times you pointed it out :'D at the start i was trying to contextualize because the letter didnt offer much and there was no "debate" it was literally just a letter. I think I did mention the image in the intro "with an attached photograph" but anyway xD my teacher said to bring it up when i mention a similar "arugment" or point so I did, but then yeh I had a whole paragraph on it. It arouses sympathy through their expressions as I said, but I dont think you picked that up. haha and I used those brackets just cause I was typing I dont use them when writing :'D The markers are straining their eyes on a computer screen, its not a checklist, but if you dont point out the tone once, theyre going to skim over and think you didnt talk about it. So even if it does seem a bit checklisty Id rather be a bit obvious with some things so that the markers can clearly see Ive identified those things.  would like to see some more quotes from the article alongside the image analysis, but this is a really good start! [/b but yes i totally agree with this and I was thinking I should as I wrote it but forgot to go back xD
also ostensibly can be used as evidentally or obviously, in which case, his contention isobviously yada yada yada my teacher has used it a lot before and shes an assesor so I think its ok :D

but thankyou very much! appreciate the feedback :)

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