hey, as a disclaimer i don't study this text, so take some of this with a grain of salt. i don't consider myself amazing at english, but hopefully this helps somewhat
What role does love play in David Malouf’s novella Ransom? VCAA 2011 English Exam
David Malouf’s Ransom try to mention the text type here as well depicts a world in which love is a universal constant. Juxtaposed against the backdrop of the Trojan War solid contextualisation, Malouf suggests that it is love and commonality, not war and hatred, which bind humans together. Love is given prominence as a tool for uniting characters together through their similarities and differences. But it is also given an elusive a bit nit-picky but this word-choice feels a bit weird to me. 'a more esoteric/obscure meaning' could work better meaning by Malouf this acknowledges the text as a construct of the author, good stuff, ultimately suggesting that different life experiences determine the role in which love plays in one’s life. It is Priam’s love for his eldest son, Hector, which prompts him to break free of his dogmatism and ‘royal sphere’ and question the purpose of life. Similarly, Achilles’s unending love for Patroclus instigates his endless grief, and prompts him to embark on a journey of rebirth and discovery. On the other hand, love is also polarising. Achilles’s unrelenting love for Patroclus causes him to descend into a cycle of stasis and denial. It is also Neoptolemus’ “burden” in being Achillles’s son which instigates his killing of Priam, undoing all lessons of humanity and growth in Ransom. Ultimately, Malouf sees love as a powerful tool which can unite or divide. Too little love can cause isolation, like Priam with his sons, whilst too much love can incite hatred and division – the antithetical of love itself. not sure how i feel about discussing specific examples/evidence within your introduction, cos it can start to feel more like a body paragraph. i think it works better to discuss the general ideas within the text and save the evidence for the meat of the essay. that said, the ideas you've signposted seem solid. there a few little things you could change here, but overall this is a good intro
Through the power of love, Priam is able to gain a newfound purpose and outlook in life. you might want to start with a more broad topic sentence here. this implies the entire paragraph will be about priam, which doesn't work as the paragraph also uses evidence from hecuba. keep this sentence, but before it you could put something like 'Love acts as a catalytic force within 'Ransom', instigating imperative change in blahblahblah'. this allows you to make broader statements about the text rather than just one character Although Priam initially resent humanity and love as totems of “impermanence”, it is through his belief that something “new and unimaginable” is required to bring Hector’s body home, that he embarks on the journey to the Greek camp. Although it is expected of Priam’s kingship that he remains within his “royal sphere” and maintain a “punctilious” outlook, it is the sight of his eldest son Hector being dragged up and down, stripped of all dignity which prompts his new outlook. Although Priam appears “helpless” initially, his love for Hector has a visceral impact on him. He is ready to embark on the “new and unimaginable”, a journey of ransom for Hector’s body,. Although this may be viewed as Priam wanting to retain some dignity for Troy acknowledges alternative interpretations of the text, v. good, it is inarguable that love is what causes Priam to take the extra step. Priam breaks all forms of convention expected of a king, sacrificing his “royal image” to prevent the mutilating use 'mutilation' of his son Hector. It is also Hecuba’s love for Hector which prompts her rage, wanting to “eat the heart” of Achilles the “noble bully”. Here Malouf expounds the importance of kinship as a source for unconditional love. Although Priam’s actions through going to Achilles as a “father... stripped of all royal insignia” may appear unconventional, Malouf argues that love is elusive and knows no limits – that just because Priam’s method of showing love may be different, this does not reduce the legitimacy of his love for his sons. by the end here you seem to have deviated from the topic. you start off talking about the positive effects of love on priam's outlook, but you end up talking about how priam shows his love. you need a stronger link back to the topic sentence
Love also serves as a tool for bonding between Patroclus and Achilles. Despite being infamous for being an infallible demigod, Achilles’s “being mated” with Patroclus changes his life momentarily. Following Patroclus’s death, Achilles’s i know this is a typo but should just be Achilles “wept, wept without restraint”, elucidating the magnitude of brotherly love and bond shared between Achilles and Patroclus love the wording here. Although Achilles is infamous for being you've used 'infamous for being' twice in a short space, it might feel a little repetitive. could change the first one to 'despite his infamy for...' a ruthless warrior who has no qualms in killing and warfare, he is “tenderly vulnerable” after Patroclus’s death. These circumstances show that even the strongest of all mortals, Achilles, is susceptible to the influences of love. Similarly, it is Somax’s worry for his ill-granddaughter, out of love, which prompts his story-telling and connection with Priam. His human connection with his son, who died “boggled” in the mud, bemuses Priam but also opens him to question the purpose of life and his relationships with his own sons. again, i think you'd benefit from a stronger and broader topic sentence. by using a specific example as the topic sentence you don't give yourself much room to write about much else. by doing that you'd strengthen the contentions of your paragraphs, and reduce the risk of your teacher/assessor judging you for going off topic.
On the other hand, Malouf suggests that love can polarise characters through introducing other hard emotions, such as hatred and denial. hey, this is exactly what i'm talking about! this is great - if all your topic sentences are like this, you'll be fine It is exactly Achilles’s love with Patrolcus which furthers his hatred towards his “implacable enemy” Hector. It is this bond and love with Patroclus which prompts Achilles structuring two sentences in a row with 'It is ____ which ____' makes the flow feel a bit jumpy. change the second one to 'This bond and love with Patrolcus furthers...' to obey some “darker agency” and make him descend into a state of denial. Patroclus’s death, which Achilles fails to accept out of love, is a “dreamlike enactment of his own”, causing Achilles to become inhuman. Here, Malouf suggests that love can be too powerful and overwhelming to extent that is watch for typos 
causes other characters to become “mad”. It is through the pre-dispositions and expectations in love which cause greater problems. Neopetolemus, who senses a “great burden” in being the son of Achilles, eventually kills Priam out of this love, duty and respect for his father. Here, love becomes the indirect cause for a cycle of repeated mistake-making in that Neopetelemus resorts to violence as a problem-solver, rather than through this sentence works better without 'through' using commonality. Thus, the reader is left with little optimism for the future with Malouf insinuating that love is the driver of all hard emotions such as war, violence and grief are “fixed and inevitable” constants. love this last line. strong link back to the contention and sums up some good ideas. this is a solid paragraph
Malouf leaves mixed messages to the reader on the role of love in Ransom. It rejects the epic character of heroes, slaughter and victory. Instead, the individual consciousness of three main actors: Achilles, Somax and Priam are focused upon use the active voice instead of passive here. Here, the stories of kings and demigods are thrown off, and instead an odyssey in which the heroes are arguably the servant, the donkey and the fish, is what prompts characters to discover love. It is this sincerity which allows Priam to experience a new outlook in on life and Somax to share his experiences with Priam. However, love can cause the “grief of the people” (the literal translation of “Achilles”) i feel like this would fit better in your body paragraph. it'd support your argument really well, and you don't really want to introduce new evidence in the conclusion and too much love can cause stasis and denial. Thus, Malouf suggests that love plays a pertinent role in Ransom in bringing out the more internal parts of characters, with love ultimately uniting or dividing individuals in all walks of life. nicely written conclusion, sums everything up well
ok wow that took longer than i thought
basically to sum up:
- your expression is pretty solid for the most part, there are only a few little wonky bits
- make sure the entire paragraph stays relevant to its contention
- haven't read the text but the ideas link well to the prompt and
seem fairly complex
- topic sentences are the biggest issue i think. you don't want to use specific evidence as a topic sentence, especially when other evidence is being used in the paragraph
i think my feedback might seem a bit harsh, but this is a pretty damn good essay for a first effort. i'm a bit reluctant to give a mark cos i have basically no idea what vcaa's standards are, but i'm leaning towards a 6-7. you're definitely a good writer though, and the issues with this essay are easy to fix, so you could easily bring that up. this is a strong start, keep it up!
so yeah i hope that helped! i've never corrected an essay before so i'm kind of worried that i may have done the opposite lol
if anyone disagrees with anything please feel free to contradict me
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