Rate english Analysis introduction please.

[Mikyt3]

Hey, this is the first time i post on this forum. This is a practice only English analysis and im taking a new approach. critiques are welcome. thanks.

The issue of Self-sufficiency with food has been debated in the media recently after a majority of a community pledged to the council to recreate an “abandoned railway” into a “community garden”. Aimed at the civilians of the community, and parents who shop for their families, the Slow Garden Group, in their article “Getting our future on the rails Slowly” argues that a new garden may improve their community in a number of ways including, “bringing [bring] them [us] up to date with the rest of the world.” This is supported by a graph, provided by NSW Environment Protection Authority, which provides statistics for the “cost of food wasted I each year in just one Australian state” and also by an image of a campaign called “Dig for Victory”.

[drake]

welcome!

firstly, in your first sentence, probably doesn't make sense to write "after a majority of a community", it is enough to write "recently after a community pledged to the council...". secondly, remove quotes from your introduction, there is no need for it. quotes are needed to ANALYSE language, not to simply quote and we do not analyse language in the introduction. instead of quotes, simply just rephrase the quotes in your own way so it conveys the same meaning but is no longer a quote. and also, i recommend you have one more concluding sentence after your sentence on the graph. in your concluding sentence, consider the broader implications of the topic.

but overall, a good start! main thing to remember is do not quote in your intro (at the very maximum, quote one or two WORDS, but not sentences/phrases). all the best!

[walkec]

The issue of Self-sufficiency with food has been debated in the media recently after a majority of a community pledged to the council to recreate an “abandoned railway” into a “community garden”. Predominantly Aimed at the civilians of the community, and parents who shop for their families environmentally concerned individuals and parents the Slow Garden Group's article, in their article “Getting our future on the rails Slowly” argues that a new garden may improve their community in a number of ways including, “bring[ing] [bring] [them] [us] up to date with the rest of the world.” This is supported by a graph, provided by NSW Environment Protection Authority, which provides statistics for the “cost of food wasted I each year in just one Australian state” and also by an image of a campaign called “Dig for Victory”.
Your last sentence doesn't really serve any purpose. I think you'd be better to save the graph for a body paragraph of your analysis so you can really analyse its impact on the reader instead of just stating there's a graph because that won't secure you any marks.

- Your first sentence is really wordy and a bit hard to follow. "Majority of the community" is also clunky
- Don't be disheartened by this, language analysis (and English essays of any type) are all about practice. Keep persevering!

[Mikyt3]

I thank you both greatly.