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English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)

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brenden:

--- Quote from: Dump on July 26, 2015, 08:18:19 pm ---sadly i got my trials next week

--- End quote ---
pmsl right in the feels
I'm gonna do Mod C first. You should also check out the feedback I gave to another person doing WtD


--- Quote ---in regards to Mod C, this is the very same essay i memorised and got 15/20 for. the essay question was
"the manner in which composers represent people and politics has the capacity to influence society's perception of power and integrity" Evaluate the above statement making close reference to Barry Levinson's Wag the Dog, and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
-what is missing from my essay and the top band?
-where can i improve? sophistication? better techniques? structure?
--- End quote ---

Spoiler
--- Quote ---Introduction – 152
The process of fabrication of power correlates with the political motivations of individuals in modern society. The desire to maintain power and authority are scrutinised with every political action, which has furthered encouraged politicians to maintain their authoritative position at all cost. In the film ‘Wag the Dog’ by Barry Levison and in the short story ‘The Weapon’ by Fredrick Brown, the tensions between people and politics are presented through cinematic and narrative forms. The discrepancy between people and politics is a key consideration within a plethora of texts which underscores contemporary social and ethical values. This is further reinforced with Levison’s portrayal of American politics and social anxieties through the thematic concepts of ‘ethics, truth and power’ similarly; Brown consolidates the concepts of power and autonomy through objective and collective perspectives. Ultimately both texts aim to demonstrate how public and collective perceptions are represented through the manipulative nature of social politics.
Ethics and morals – wag 161
The unethical and immoral actions pursued by politicians are a key element within the narrative of the film. This is evident in the scene when the opposition party exploits the sexual misconduct of the president to amplify his immoral actions. Through the choice of emotional and persuasive language ‘Sexual relations with a girl thirteen years old’ the news reporter has intensified the situation. In response, Mr Fix It is summoned by the President, Brean acts as impeccable representation of politics, who fabricates the truth. This is evident through Levison’s utilisation of cinematic techniques such as the juxtaposition of on screen and off screen characterization to further manipulate the public and distract them from the truth. Brean’s identity is exposed in the opening scene ‘there is no B3 bomber, im working on it……’ The repetitious phrase emphasise Brean’s definitive choice to deceive the public which highlights the irresponsible behaviour of politicians as they are ignorant of the cumulative effect of their actions.
Ethics and morals – weapon 96
Comparable, in ‘Weapon’ Dr Graham denies the anarchy his weapon could do. The line ‘I am working on a weapon….’ demonstrates through dialogue that he has rationalized his endeavours so that the side effects of his research are not his responsibility, this further portrays the careless nature of humans. This is similarly manifested in ‘Wag the Dog’, as Brean embodies an egotistical personality combined with his ignorant attitude. This is evident in ‘The war isn't over 'til I say it's over’. Ultimately this negligence of moral and ethical responsibility shows that individual goals surpass collective needs.


Society represented as unintelligent – wag 156
Levinson suggests that it is the public’s lack of discernment when consuming and receiving information and a social desire for heroic sensationalism that drives the success of the government's “pageant”.  it can be argued that the government, led by Conrad Brean merely toys with the truth the American people wanted to believe; producing the war as a show to “give ‘em what they want”. The scene specifically the mid shot of the staged Albanian news report conveys the simplicity of stirring public sentiment with “poignant” images that exploits the public trust to gain emotive power. This is reinforced when an image illustrated in the non-diegetic film soundtrack of “The American Dream” which evokes patriotism by idealising “democracy” and “liberty” as the archetypal lifestyle.
Impact of politics on individuals – weapon 143
In addition, through Niemen’s action of giving Harry a loaded revolver, Frederic juxtaposes Graham’s opinion with Neman’s and suggests that actions always have consequences. The author amplifies Graham’s blindness to this in the line ‘only a madman would give a loaded revolver to an idiot’ clearly, Brown is points out Graham’s ignorance to his responsibility and substantiates his wrongfulness. The final quote uses irony and connotative words such as ‘idiot and ‘madman’’, which implies that the ignorance of certain members in society could result in the possibility of the catastrophic ramifications on humanity. This furthers the symbolic representation of the wide scale destruction that can be a result of inscience. Correspondingly in ‘Wag the Dog’ the destruction of society is executed by individual’s action. As evident in ‘we’re not going to have a war, we're going to have the appearance of a war.’
Power and authority – wag 121
Autonomy is determined by political capacities, as personal and social contexts are shaped by the media’s portrayal of contemporary issues such as election campaigns. This is evident in the film, as the establishment shot introduces political propaganda through advertising. The producer accentuates the agenda of politicians and their motivation to control society, this is seen through the use of historical allusion with the reference to Abraham Lincoln’s quote ‘don’t change horses midstream’ this further signifies the ambition of politicians to sustain their status. Ultimately in order to maintain an authoritative position and sovereignty it is essential to exploit the public with persuasive and duplicit means. Conclusively, in both texts the struggle for autonomy is a constant tension between individuals and minorities.
Autonomy – weapon 117
Autonomy is determined by an individual’s social status and their relationships with others. These relationships and the subsequent dichotomies in power highlight the skewed nature of politics. As apparent in ‘Weapon’ Graham’s dialogue ‘I fear you’re wasting your time …..’ uses assertive tone and hyperbaton to fragment and chunk the dialogue. This ascertains that the speaker has autonomy over the conversation and the wider situation. In addition, autonomy is depicted through Niemen’s action ‘I took the liberty of bringing a small gift to your son’ Brown foreshadows the reversal of power, where the situation reverts and the minority gains power. This subversive concept enforces the dynamic nature of autonomy and how it is a socially manipulated construct.

--- End quote ---

"the manner in which composers represent people and politics has the capacity to influence society's perception of power and integrity" Evaluate the above statement making close reference to Barry Levinson's Wag the Dog, and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

Introduction – 152
The process of fabrication of power correlates with the political motivations of individuals in modern society. This opening sentence has a lack of accuracy and specificity that make it not as appealing as it could be. For example, it seems that you're getting at the idea that people USE power in order to fabricate THINGS. This use of power to fabricate things is CORRUPT. That's what it seems like you're going for, here. However, "The process of fabrication of power" --- the process of faking power? How does one fake power? And what process do they use to do it?... The latter half of the sentence then gives the 'corruption' connotations, which is good and hits up the 'integrity' part of the prompt, but your opening sentence could be reworked with some added complexity and depth.The desire to maintain power and authority are scrutinised with every political action, which has furthered encouraged politicians to maintain their authoritative position at all cost.Much better second sentence In the film ‘Wag the Dog’ by Barry Levison and in the short story ‘The Weapon’ by Fredrick Brown, the tensions between people and politics are presented through cinematic and narrative forms. The discrepancy between people and politics is a key consideration within a plethora of texts which underscores contemporary social and ethical values The sentence I've struck out is pretty boring, because it's just a general sentence that mentions a mysterious "plethora of texts" and doesn't do much for the prompt or critiera. Instead, you could have hit the prompt after saying "cinematic and narrative forms", you could chuck in a sentence about how those forms respectively being to impact on society's perception of power and integrity. (Like a little taster to  technique discussion)... Something really "tasty" and "wow" about here in the introduction would demonstrate to the assessor that your essay has promise and give them something to get excited about, because a good sentence right here would really SMASH the prompt relevancy and criteria relevancy. This is further reinforced with Levison’s portrayal of American politics and social anxieties through the thematic concepts of ‘ethics, truth and power’ similarly; Brown consolidates the concepts of power and autonomy through objective and collective perspectives. Ultimately both texts aim to demonstrate how public and collective perceptions are represented through the manipulative nature of social politics. Good structure in your introduction. Opening sentence, preface to discussion, contention summary to wrap things up. Good. It's clear, it's logical. As far as how to improve, I'd improve by adding what you've called "sophistication" but I would call it a mixture of "accuracy", "depth", and "specificity".

I just mean getting deep into the prompt -- how will society be influenced by representations of power/integrity? What capacity does the composition have, to use the words of the prompt. I mentioned this in the opening sentence, and in the sentence of yours that I struck out because it was too general. Little things like these would add to your mark. Offer something insightful to the assessors. Legitimate insight that PROVES you've actually thought about the texts and the task at hand deeply.   

Ethics and morals – wag 161
The unethical and immoral actions pursued by politicians are a key element within the narrative of the film. Your topic sentences would benefit from the stuff I've outlined in this postThis is evident in the scene when the opposition party exploits the sexual misconduct of the president to amplify his immoral actions. Through the choice of emotional and persuasive language ‘Sexual relations with a girl thirteen years old’ the news reporter has intensified the situation. In response, Mr Fix It is summoned by the President, Brean acts as impeccable representation of politics, who fabricates the truth. This is evident through Levison’s utilisation of cinematic techniques such as the juxtaposition of on screen and off screen characterization to further manipulate the public and distract them from the truth. Brean’s identity is exposed in the opening scene ‘there is no B3 bomber, im working on it……’ The repetitious phrase emphasise Brean’s definitive choice to deceive the public which highlights the irresponsible behaviour of politicians as they are ignorant of the cumulative effect of their actions.

One thing that sticks out about this paragraph is that your quotes aren't super well integrated. For example: Through the choice of emotional and persuasive language ‘Sexual relations with a girl thirteen years old’... The quote just get's 'stuck' into the sentence. When you integrate quotes, you want it to be "integrated into the sentence" as if it were a "part of your normal grammar". <--- you can see in that sentence that I just put quotation marks around words I was already going to type lol. But that's how it should be in your essay. It should be like.... 'Describing "sexual relations" with a girl only "thirteen years old" evokes disgust by pairing two objects the audience would normally consider incompatible'.  --- You see how the quotes are just normal? Your writing lacks that at the moment, and I think it would be a big benefit to practise, even just for 30 minutes on a loose scrap of paper (it will make a big difference) just integrating quotes into your own personal grammar.

If you quoted things like the above with a bit more sharpness, you'd have more word space to talk about how the technique is truly impacting the audience's perception (i.e., the capacity of the composition etc -- the prompt) which would further boost your essay.


Ethics and morals – weapon 96
Comparable, in ‘Weapon’ Dr Graham denies the anarchy his weapon could do. The line ‘I am working on a weapon….’ demonstrates through dialogue that he has rationalized his endeavours so that the side effects of his research are not his responsibility, this further portrays the careless nature of humans. This is similarly manifested in ‘Wag the Dog’, as Brean embodies an egotistical personality combined with his ignorant attitude. This is evident in ‘The war isn't over 'til I say it's over’. Ultimately this negligence of moral and ethical responsibility shows that individual goals surpass collective needs.

I felt this paragraph was too short to really 'offer' much to the assessors. I'd consider lowering the amount of paragraphs and upping the amount of complexity or depth within each individual paragraph, because this one was too short for you to really do much work in the way of the criteria

Society represented as unintelligent – wag 156
Levinson suggests that it is the public’s lack of discernment when consuming and receiving information and a social desire for heroic sensationalism that drives the success of the government's “pageant” this is a better topic sentence that your first one.  it can be argued that the government, led by Conrad Brean merely toys with the truth the American people wanted to believe; producing the war as a show to “give ‘em what they want” this is better quoting.. The scene specifically the mid shot of the staged Albanian news report conveys the simplicity of stirring public sentiment with “poignant” images that exploits the public trust to gain emotive power. This is reinforced when an image illustrated in the non-diegetic film soundtrack of “The American Dream” which evokes patriotism by idealising “democracy” and “liberty” as the archetypal lifestyle. I feel like you're not as tight to the prompt as you possibly could be. Like, there's not a lot directly discussing the depiction of power and integrity and the way in which WTD has the capacity to shape societal perceptions through the way it represents things.

Impact of politics on individuals – weapon 143
In addition, through Niemen’s action of giving Harry a loaded revolver, Frederic juxtaposes Graham’s opinion with Neman’s and suggests that actions always have consequences. The author amplifies Graham’s blindness to this in the line ‘only a madman would give a loaded revolver to an idiot’ clearly, Brown is points out Graham’s ignorance to his responsibility and substantiates his wrongfulness. The final quote uses irony and connotative words such as ‘idiot and ‘madman’’, which implies that the ignorance of certain members in society could result in the possibility of the catastrophic ramifications on humanity. This furthers the symbolic representation of the wide scale destruction that can be a result of inscience. Correspondingly in ‘Wag the Dog’ the destruction of society is executed by individual’s action. As evident in ‘we’re not going to have a war, we're going to have the appearance of a war.’

Power and authority – wag 121
Autonomy is determined by political capacities, as personal and social contexts are shaped by the media’s portrayal of contemporary issues such as election campaigns. This is evident in the film, as the establishment shot introduces political propaganda through advertising. The producer accentuates the agenda of politicians and their motivation to control society, this is seen through the use of historical allusion with the reference to Abraham Lincoln’s quote ‘don’t change horses midstream’ this further signifies the ambition of politicians to sustain their status. Ultimately in order to maintain an authoritative position and sovereignty it is essential to exploit the public with persuasive and duplicit means. Conclusively, in both texts the struggle for autonomy is a constant tension between individuals and minorities.

Autonomy – weapon 117
Autonomy is determined by an individual’s social status and their relationships with others. These relationships and the subsequent dichotomies in power highlight the skewed nature of politics. As apparent in ‘Weapon’ Graham’s dialogue ‘I fear you’re wasting your time …..’ uses assertive tone and hyperbaton to fragment and chunk the dialogue. This ascertains that the speaker has autonomy over the conversation and the wider situation. In addition, autonomy is depicted through Niemen’s action ‘I took the liberty of bringing a small gift to your son’ Brown foreshadows the reversal of power, where the situation reverts and the minority gains power. This subversive concept enforces the dynamic nature of autonomy and how it is a socially manipulated construct.


What is missing?
-Depth
-Specificity and complexity of response to the prompt --- "perceptive engagement with essay question".  (Which also damages the extent to which the essay is a "highly effective" response.

Essentially, I think having so many paragraphs is a structural mistake, because it doesn't allow you to build on any of the content you put forward. Extremely talented writers might be able to get away with such a paragraph structure because they're able to successfully make the paragraphs flow into one another in a way that doesn't detract from their content. However, at the moment, your paragraphs are to some degree "removed" from one another, in a way that's like... Each paragraph, you read it, and it's like on the precipice of really "getting it", but then it ends before it goes into the requisite amount of depth. Then you go to the next paragraph and have the same experience. It would be good if you could extend a little bit, and really challenge yourself into really explaining in extraordinary and precise depth the techniques and how the text's representation of things impacts on the idea put forward by the prompt.

Doing this would also by default improve the way assessor's perceive your understanding of the rship between representation and meaning as well as your understanding of the text.

Sorry it's not more detailed, but I'm actually insanely tired right now considering it's only midnight. I gotta go to bed! Lol.

Dump:
I was about to sleep then got email notification about your reply haha. After school tomorrow I'll take a In depth look at all recommendations you've given and completely edit my essay. THANKS SO MUCH. And btw mod c was more of a theme/idea and I just wrote a paragraph on it, instead of actual essay, which is why it lacks flow. Will definitely edit and post it back here. Thanks again good night :)

brenden:

--- Quote from: Dump on July 27, 2015, 12:20:08 am ---I was about to sleep then got email notification about your reply haha. After school tomorrow I'll take a In depth look at all recommendations you've given and completely edit my essay. THANKS SO MUCH. And btw mod c was more of a theme/idea and I just wrote a paragraph on it, instead of actual essay, which is why it lacks flow. Will definitely edit and post it back here. Thanks again good night :)

--- End quote ---
Haha, you're welcome! -- Yeah, I thought that might have been the case, I just couldn't make out what was going on with your word doc so treated it like a normal essay haha.

I'll do the Creative now. Remember to check out Creative Writing - Advice from a Cambridge Uni Student

Spoiler
--- Quote ---A breath of fresh air filled my lungs as I stepped off my boat and onto the soft white sand. The grains bathed my feet, melding with my toes. I sunk deeper and deeper, becoming part of the beach. My knees dropped, and I laid flat on my chest. I scooped up the sand, moving it from one place to the next. I controlled this sand. For once in my life, I was actually in control of my surroundings. I could have laid here for hours if I wanted to, enjoying the sunshine and the calming sound of the crashing waves approaching the shore.!!There was no more ear-piercing gunfire.!!No more hiding helplessly in overcrowded slums.!!Instead, my daughter, Faith, was chasing the waves on the shoreline, splashing water higher than she could reach, laughing, as if ten Christmas’ had come at once. This was bliss!!Our satchels were being thrown onto the shore as I lost myself in daydreams.  Faith and I picked them up and carried them to the minivan waiting by the road. Our lives packed into something so finite, it was an odd sight. But I was confident it was all for the best.!!We travelled down the road, in awe of our surroundings: people walking freely on the side of the road, wearing what they like with whom they like. There were children riding bikes and families enjoying uninterrupted conversation, never would I have seen such things where I grew up. Something was different, however. !!White people.!!
White people everywhere. I knew it was Australia and settled by the British, but I thought it had become a very multicultural place. There were a few black people, the ‘Aboriginals’ I had read about – but they certainly didn’t look too happy in their minority. Where were we Chinese to fit in, us so called ‘yellow skins’?!!As we stopped for fuel this sight continued. There were white Australians sitting on every street corner; smoking, drinking and dropping a swear word every thirty seconds. Looking around, it became apparent that we were the odd ones out, with attention mounting as every second pair of eyes was staring down at us.!!Then…!!...it happened…!!“Go back to where ya bloody came from ”!!The voice, echoing around the dull, lifeless streets, sent shivers down the spine of everyone in our group. Just like that, we knew we were not welcome. From the front porches, there were more chants - some less indecipherable than others. These people were drowning in their beer, blurring their vision and muddling their speech. There was shattered glass spread around the dusty petrol bowsers. The clanging of beer bottles, rolling and crashing around the kerbside, poured deep into our ears as more and more locals made us their centre of attention. Two men hurled spit in succession down onto the ground in front of us as they walked closely past, making us take a step back not only in fear, but nausea from their foul odour.!
“Bogans” said our local guide. “They’re a disgrace!” Confronted and dismayed, we paid for our fuel and continued our travels, relieved that these 'people' would not be our neighbours.!!Once arriving at our apartment, I introduced myself to the elderly lady at the front desk.!!“Well, well, well Who is this adorable young lady next to you?” she said.!!“Ah, this is ….. Sarah Yes, Sarah, say hello to the lady, Sarah”. Faith looked at me strangely, clearly confused by her new name. I told her that it was the name of a princess here in Australia and that people would love her even more if they called her that. With a smile, she innocently accepted this new name. Walking outside, we looked around and felt a relieving sense of peace. There was even a sand box just steps from our door. Dropping our things, Sarah and I walked over and sat down on the edge. The soft white sand was warm, like a hot stone massage for our feet. As we laid there, Sarah and I looked up at the blue sky and watched the sea gulls fly over.

We looked back down and felt our feet touch underneath the surface of the sand. !!Connected and at one. This was our new home.

--- End quote ---

Okay, so I've read the story, and I'm just going to talk generally about it before I make comments on the story itself.

Firstly, when your teacher says "punctuate correctly", what they mean is: you cannot use two punctuation marks next to one another. That is, at times, you use a full-stop and an exclamation mark, like this.!

Exclamation marks are considered as full-stops. Like, they end the sentence! You don't actually need a full-stop if you're using an exclamation mark or a question mark. Further, you never want two exclamation marks next to one another!! - This is used when we're writing on Facebook, or on forums, where we can convey alarm with things like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! However, in a creative writing piece, you want some subtlety. That is, you want to let the language convey alarm and excitement to the reader. For example,

Imagine I was telling a story about a man who was about 160cm - so he's very short. I met this guy at a bus stop and he had a really nice coat on that I think he bought from Tarocash, and his shoes looked really new as well. He was like "hey can you lend me some money for my Opal card", and then, out of no where, he pulled out a gun!

You'll notice that the story I'm telling is pretty 'normal', and then the language of "he pulled out a gun" is pretty surprising, so I DOUBLE-UP on that surprise by using an exclamation mark. "and then, out of no where, he..." --- breaking up the sentence with commas also conveys an alarm tone, because you can imagine someone saying it like that out loud. If I wanted a more ominous tone, I'd just use a full stop instead. Compare this to your writing:


--- Quote ---There was no more ear-piercing gunfire.!!No more hiding helplessly in overcrowded slums.!!
--- End quote ---

Now, this is a pretty crazy observation! We're learning a lot about your character... The fact that they've witnessed gunfire and slums is insane. However, the "!!" is strange. Is the person meant to be conveying excitement? I feel like this language would be really good just with full stops. Look:


--- Quote ---There was no more ear-piercing gunfire... No more hiding helplessly in overcrowded slums."
--- End quote ---

Without the excitement, and the edition of the ellipsis (...), now the tone is more "dark" and the type of shit the character's seen is conveyed to the audience better. This is why you should really cut down on exclamation marks. Full stops and 'dot dot dot' (...) can do a lot of work, as can rhetorical questions in first-person writing.

So:


-Use less exclamation marks
-Never use two punctuation marks next to each other unless it's a question mark and an exclamation mark, like this?!
-So always only punctuate with ONE of a full stop, question mark, exclamation mark to end a sentence


In regards to creative
-does my creative convey the ideas/concepts of discovery clear?
i attempted to cover
-self discovery
-rediscovery at the end
-physical discovery
-ramification of scientific discovery
-emotional discovery
-self realization
-how discovery discerns the protagonists about himself and the others around him
-the endless future possibilities, new ideas and values stimulated by discovery
-how discovery may constrain further discoveries

If we're being strict about it, which we should be, then your story doesn't explore any of the ones with a strikeout through them, and only really properly explores "physical discovery" through the concept of immigration - the first two thirds of the story do this well.

As for truly being able to explore discovery, notice that your story isn't predominantly about discovery, but it's about a boy who comes to Australia and subsequently "discovers" something. It's not "deep" into talking about discovery and all the implications that that complex concept holds (some of which you've mentioned in the strikeout text above).

Think about when you hit a piano key. If you just tap it, it makes that weird "dng" sound. You could tap a series of keys and it would just sound strange if you were just hitting them in a different way but in a particular sequence. Now, when someone who plays piano comes along and hits the keys in the same sequence, it sounds completely different. That's sort of where you're at with discovery. You're tapping the keys in sequence... Sure, you're character discovers a new place, there's 'self-discovery' very superficially with Faith/Sarah, resdiscover of sand... But just sort of "slotting" those little bits in doesn't actually really SAY much about discovery on a deep level. Like, at all. It just 'taps the keys' in sequence instead of playing the music.

"Playing the music" can be difficult for some students, particularly in a first person piece, because the temptation is to just tell the reader all about your character. "I did this, I did that" and bla bla bla bla bla. However, what you want to do is use your story as a vessel to really hone in on whatever concept you're discussing, and do it in an interesting way at the same time. Here's an example of one of my own short stories that focusses on the concept of "Identity and Belonging", in a similar way to how one might approach the concept of Discovery: 17/20 Identity and Belonging (Skin) Short-story Example.

Notice that I do tell a story of particular events, but all of them are very deliberately constructed in a way that is relevant to the prompt and shows some facet of Identity and Belonging. I'd somewhat change the method of your story and instead of just "showing" someone discovering something (i.e., someone comes to a new country, experiences something they didn't expect, discovers something bla bla  etc), I'd want it to in some way discuss discovery. It might still be very similar, and I don't mean to literally have a discussion abotu Discovery, but "showing" is the equivalent of tapping the piano keys, and "discussing" is the type of depth that you get when you properly play a piano. Under "creating and presenting (context examples), check out people's creative pieces in this thread: English Resources and Sample High Scoring Responses --- it's not on the HSC syllabus, but it should illustrate the point. Read a few, and notice how some of them "show" and some of them are deeper. Don't worry about not knowing "identity and belonging". Not knowing will actually make it easier to observe which ones properly talk about it (you'll notice it) and which ones don't properly talk about it (you won't notice the concept of identity and belonging).   [/list]

heids:
P.S. To find creatives in English Resources and Sample High Scoring Responses, scroll down to Samples - Creating and Presenting (Context) Examples, and try any of the titles that say 'creative' (the heading, like encountering conflict or whose reality is the general area, like Discovery).  A good start could be this and this.  It's a pretty full thread so stuff's hard to find!

Dump:
hey Nerd! here's the copy i was talking about
tyvm

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