English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)

[jamonwindeyer]

Thank you so much!! Such a relief that its on the right track hahah 
I'll take out some of the re-tell bits and swap that sentence around (there was also no conclusion but idk if that needs to be marked)

I just assumed you had left it out on purpose aha, you'll need one in the final version of course 

Also I now seem to be on a first name basis with people hahah 
Thank you again!!

Aha definitely!! Well I've always known you (well like, always meaning this year, lol)!  I normally default to username for privacy reasons, but given that your username is brontem, I've realised that I don't think it matters too much (if that is okay with you of course) 

[brontem]

hahaha that's totally fine, just makes me laugh (proves that I'm here a lot of the time)

[lha]

Hi,

This is my Mod A essay for Tirra Lirra by the River and Tennysons Poetry. Im trying to make it as best as possible for my trials on monday (so close eeek!) and was just wondering if you could mark it as harsh as possible. It is attached to this message. Also, I was just wondering if there was an AOS thread as well?

Thank you!

[HKSMASO6]

Also, I was just wondering if there was an AOS thread as well?

Heres the link to the AOS marking : Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!

[lha]

Hi!

This is my Mod B essay for Hamlet. Im trying to make it as best as possible for my trials on monday (so close eeek!) and was just wondering if you could mark it as harsh as possible.

Thank you!

[lha]

Heres the link to the AOS marking : Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!

Thank you!

[skysailingaway]

hi!
this is my mod C essay
what should i improve on in terms of my introduction and paragraphs?
how can the analysis be improved?
all in all, I'm really clueless in english atm - how do I make this a band 6 response?
(please mark it as harsh as possible - totally roast it)
~I've attached the document

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi! We've got an essay coming up for Module B on T.S Eliot's, The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock, we've been told that the key words will be context, enduring relevance, and personal understanding. I havent written a conclusion yet but I just wanted to see if what I've got so far is any good? I also wrote the first paragraph simply on context, form, and style, and I didn't include any quotes or techniques for that so idk if thats okay or not? I'm also slightly worried that then it will look like I only have 2 massive body paragraphs...

Thanks so much!!

Hey there!! Absolutely happy to give a look to your essay, comments throughout in bold and I'll chat a bit at the end 

Spoiler

How does T.S. Eliot’s poem The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock demonstrate an enduring relevance that surpasses his context. Demonstrate your informed personal understanding.

Eliot’s poem The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock exhibits a reflection of the context of his time, one that has enduring relevance today. Eliot uses this poem to comment on the fragmented psyche of the typical modern person. He explores the darker side of human nature rather than naïve idealism of being, the Freudian idea of a divided self, and the impact of self-deprecation on individuals. A nice intro, but a little on the short side. Try expanding it by adding something a little more conceptual at the beginning, a conceptual Thesis. I'd also add one more sentence at the end saying something like: "The exploration of these themes demonstrates an enduring relevance that surpasses...", to link to the question one last time.

Eliot’s compositions reflect his perception of his modernist 20th century context, and how it has affected individuals. Modernism aimed to move away from romanticism, and presented a rawer, more realistic view of life where uncertainty, isolation, and disillusionment were part of the new world. The rapid increase in urbanisation and industrialisation led to a loss of connection with the community that has enduring relevance today, whilst the horrors and carnage of WWI led to an overarching sense of pessimism. Eliot utilises the form of a dramatic monologue, which allows him to display the sense of isolation and disjointed, fluctuating nature of the internal mind. There is no overarching verse form, only a loose collection of rhyme, imagery, and repetition, providing strong textual integrity whilst marking a distinct break from Romantic poetry. The momentum and emotional tempo fluctuates between languid inertia and self-conscious, tumultuous anguish, and pained awareness of failure. It has a languid rhythm, open to variation, including hesitancy and occasionally abruptness, further contributing to the Modernist style of the poem. So personally, I don't think this is the way to go with the separate paragraph on context, style etc, I would be blending this information throughout your regular paragraphs!

Eliot’s poem is filled with an overriding sense of futility and inadequacy that governs Prufrock, and is reflective of the typical Modernist man of Eliot’s context. Try to start with a more conceptual statement. Like, "The theme of ______ is continuously relevant to different audiences because ________. Indeed, Elliot's expression... etc., just something to lead you in. Eliot uses the image “a patient etherized upon a table” to suggest Prufrock’s complacency and impotence, setting up the sense of inertia and establishing the suffocating lethargy that dominates this poem. The abrupt departure from a regular rhyme scheme and macabre imagery suggests a break with the Romantic tradition. Nice! Likewise, the childish rhyme “the women come and go, talking of Michelangelo” mimics the mundane, futile nature of social interactions of the context that Prufrock finds so debilitating. I love the links to context you are making in this paragraph, but try to extend it beyond the character of Prufrock. It's not really important about the effects/conseuences for Prufrock, what about what we as the modern audience learns? This is juxtaposed with the sophisticated image of Michelangelo, symbolic of the influential, desirable man that Prufrock cannot be. Similarly, Prufrock likens himself to a bottom-dwelling crab “ragged claws, floors of silent seas”. Remember, Prufrock does nothing, that character is a puppet for the composer! Composer gets all due credit. Crabs scuttle horizontally and never forward, much as Prufrock moves horizontally in thought but never forward in his actions. The image also conveys Prufrock’s feeling of isolation and futility, and has enduring relevance to our current context, where individuals continuously suppress their emotions and isolate their true personalities. Any elements of the modern context that create this effect (Pokemon Go?  ) In addition, Prufrock’s social ineptitude is reflected in “to prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet”. The spurning mellifluous long vowel sounds adds to the low emotional intensity, contributing to bleak, brutal imagery of futility and banality. This demonstrates the loss of individuality, and society’s demand for conformity. There is a lost sense of genuine self, instead there is a shifting façade dictated by meaningless social conventions. We all metaphorically wear masks that make us socially acceptable at the expense of our personal identities. Little too long without a technique there. Similarly, the parenthetical line “With a bald spot in the middle of my hair” further demonstrates Prufrock’s lack of self-confidence. It begins Prufrock’s preoccupation with what others think of him. He is typified by this. It mitigates the enjoyment he can glean from life. Likewise, Prufrock likens himself to a specimen insect “when I am pinned and wriggling on the wall”. He feels trapped and confined, constantly inspected and analysed by society, an idea still relevant today. He is clearly expressing desperation, helplessness and paralysis in navigating social constructs. Remember to add a conclusion to each paragraph. "Thus, it is clear that _______." Something simple that ties back to the topic of that paragraph.

Eliot draws upon the Freudian aspects of his context and explores the idea of a divided self, reflecting the ambiguity and confusion of human thought and action. This is more like what I wanted to see in the first paragraph! Add a link to how this makes it relevant to the modern audience and you have a winner. He introduces this idea of ambiguity of thought in the first line, “you and I”. Technique? Eliot is referring to Prufrock and the side of Prufrock’s psyche with which he’s engaged in an endless debate, and inviting us on the journey throughout his mind. Be careful not to use plot details to make your points: The focus should always be techniques! Additionally, Eliot uses a simile, “streets that follow like a tedious argument”, comparing the tedious argument Prufrock is having with himself to long and tedious streets. This continues his metaphor of a personal journey through his mind, reflecting the meandering and convoluted nature of his internal argument. Likewise, the lyrical repetition of “there will be time” is emblematic of the speaker’s indecision, caused by the uncertain, hesitant nature of Prufrock’s mind, and emphasises the endless weariness of time that has no purpose, as Prufrock’s life does. Again, focusing a tad too much on Prufrock I believe, remember to extend the idea to wider audiences (us, as responders) frequently! What do we learn? Why is it relevant to us? This idea surpasses Eliot’s context and continues to have enduring relevance with contemporary individuals who fear inadequacy, and as such fail to be decisive for fear of being insufficient for society’s expectations. Similarly, the use of voiceless alveolar stops “to spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?” represents his life as a stale, discarded, waste product. This fragmented, sordid image represents his sense of inadequacy, and the disjointed, confused nature of his thinking. In addition, the idea of a divided external and internal persona is represented through the powerful conclusion, “till human voices wake us, and we drown”. Eliot is demonstrating that once we realise that the idealistic views of Romanticism are unattainable, and that our external identities constantly judged by a superficial, pretentious society and always found to be insufficient, your inner persona recognises life as meaningless and empty. Sadly, this bleak epiphany still resonates with many in today’s context. Another fantastic paragraph!!

This is a seriously great essay!! Very clever techniques and analysis, extremely well expressed ideas, context tied in cleverly, super awesome in many ways!

I'll start by saying that first paragraph is, in my opinion, not the way to go. Your writing level can absolutely handle a more integrated approach, where you take those great contextual/stylistic features and just thread them through your other arguments. You have already used contextual features in the other paragraphs; you would just add room for more if you need it. The first paragraph should be replaced with another paragraph of content, which should improve the balance a tad 

Your analysis is really powerful; I especially love the way you tie in the styles/periods of romanticism, modernism, etc. Very nice. However, I'm looking for you to tie in the "enduring value" of the text, and why the text remains important for study. Tie into what we as an audience learn, essentially, because it is a part of your question! As you are doing this, try to shift the focus away from the characters (Prufrock) in your text, and shift it to how the composer uses techniques in an effective way to communicate an idea to the audience. It is these techniques that allow the text to demonstrate an enduring relevance, as ideas are communicated in ways that are relevant to all audiences. Focusing on the characters and impacts on characters not only shifts you close to retell, but also prevents you from addressing the question to its full potential. Focus on techniques!

Some little touch ups to analysis (Technique/Explain/Audience) and structure (ensure all paragraphs are introduced with a clear concept) may be needed as you swap that first paragraph to a 3rd normal paragraph. Ensure each paragraph has a clear and distinct purpose that stands alone, but still links to the main idea.

So that is a few improvements I'd suggest, all to try and hit the question a little more appropriately and effectively. A greater focus on techniques, and adapting that first paragraph, should be your focus! I really hope this helps     

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey!
this is my hamlet essay - the question given was "explore how the play-within-a-play contributed to your personal understanding of the play as a whole?
does this answer the question?

Hey Justina!! I've had a read of your essay, it is attached below with comments throughout in bold! 

Spoiler

Metatheatricality is a dramatic device in which enlightens an imaginative field that merely imitates the reality of human experience. Yet, it breeds distortion on true forms of life, since it neglects inclinations of rationalism, but rather moulds an ideal world which accommodates to our personal limitations that otherwise, considered ethically corrupt. A slight issue of expression in those first two sentences. The idea is great!! Just make sure it is communicated clearly. The intricate dynamic of playing a role lies within the flexibility to choreograph the responder’s interpretation; since theatre must render an aligned analysis of truth with its audience, or else – unwarranted.  A fabricated body of life is constructed to draw out consciousness of the real world which associates with absolute and pure truth. Great! Subsequently, in living through a superficial realm of society, immorality is justified. In Shakespeare’s Hamlet play-within-a-play, Hamlet mirrors his own predicament within the enactment of ‘The Murder of Gonzago’, in an attempt to awaken exposure of the real world, and hence Claudius’ conscience. Try to keep explanations of character interactions and their meaning (even though this is very brief) to the body paragraphs where possible. Shakespeare accentuates that it is easier to criticize humanity’s fatal flaws in an atmosphere where rationality of action is boundless, and particularly unexpected, since it is when the individual is raw in reaction and emotion. Great! It is at this moment of weakness that reality is captured. Hence, metatheatre oscillates between the rational and irrational, expressing the implications of morality on the human condition. Excellent introduction, but I do think that your expression could be a little clearer. Introductions should lay an extremely clear foundation with a single idea (Thesis) that permeates throughout; I think this lacks focus. It isn't waffle, you are raising lots of good ideas, but I think that there are so many floating around that it becomes a little convoluted.

Through metatheatre, an illogical structure of the world is expressed and humanity’s fears that only exist within reality are released. For if realism is drawn out in the role of staging, then the only consciousness that endures, is within the mind since it is the “abstract unity of thought”. Moreover, an individual is liberated of identity and exposure of truth since imagination does not purely resonate with human experience but merely creates an idealised world that “imitates humanity”. Fantastic opening, but again, a little lacking in focus for my taste. I'd like to see you reduce these 3 sentences to 2 to give it some more clarity and leave more room for analysis. Ironically, the antithesis of this manifests in Hamlet. Hamlet merges the realms of rationality and irrationality together to reinstill fear within characters viewing ‘The Mousetrap’, illuminating his own awareness on the power of staging. What does this show the audience? And indeed, yourself? That is a key part of the question. Through the rhyming couplet “The play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king”, Hamlet projects his own consciousness on human frailty since he revives the truth where the individual is vulnerable, in the escape of acting. In enacting his reality to expose Claudius’ corruption, insinuates that a façade can only mask one’s internal moral authority temporarily. The focus must then be directed on the dramatic structure of staging to effectively elicit a psychological response within the audience. This is expounded in Hamlet’s instruction to the players through the juxtaposition of “whirlwind of passion” yet “giving it smoothness” since “anything so overdone is from the purpose of playing”. Thus, we permeate from ‘imitating reality’ to ‘becoming’. You have some really powerful ideas, but I think the way you express them is taking room away from analysis (you only have two techniques in this paragraph), and linking to the audience (a key part of the question). I think you need to take a step back and simplify!

When interpreting impulses collectively, with sensitivity to consequence and ethics, the latter is informed judgement. The dichotomous struggle between morality and impulse is rather pronounced in Hamlet with metatheatre functioning as Hamlet’s peripeteia. This is a better introduction! More succinct, you've done in two sentences what took 4-5 last paragraph. In expressing Claudius’ flaws through ‘The Mousetrap’, the doubling effect is in Hamlet’s critical evaluation of his own hamartia. Hamlet validates his own frailty of inaction in self-abasement with rhetorical questions “Am I a coward?” and “Who called me villain?” He draws on the evocative “dream of passion” that the player communicates to the audience within the realm of “fiction”. It is this sharp distinction in intention, for duty and the latter – purely groundless, that Shakespeare highlights the irony in judgement. Good link to the audience in that analysis there, very nice. Hamlet’s perplexed nature at the player’s lack of drive is emphasised through exclamations “and all for nothing!” and thus denotes that “conscience does make cowards of us all”. Shakespeare exemplifies that the burden of morality on instinctive nature provokes repressed desire. For Hamlet, the objective then is to retain identity by overpowering our moral consciousness; the desire is not only satisfaction, but “activity itself”. I know this is a metatheatre response, and so talking about the characters is  appropriate. That said, ensure that the focus for the majority of the response remains with Shakespeare, Hamlet is just the puppet communicating the intentions of the composer. Metatheatre marks Hamlet’s anagnorisis with the imperative “now, I’ll do’t”, enlightening Hamlet’s transformed discourse in attempts to withdraw his ambivalence. Ensure each paragraph is concluded correctly, even with something as simple as; "Thus, the audience comes to realise that ________"

As a postmodern responder of the multidimensional play, one can recognize that Hamlet’s predicament is shaped by the plight of the Renaissance man, particularly with the implication of spirituality within that era, thus contributing to the play’s enduring value. LOVE that introduction, fantastic link to the audience through "enduring value," really great. Although metatheatre has evoked clarity on Hamlet’s reformed intentions, there remains a resilient tenacity in compliance with the spiritual conventions of the Elizabethan epoch. To endorse corruption by the rationale of “filial obligation”, in conjunction with the numinous lexicon “the purging of his soul”, foreshadows yet again Hamlet’s calamity. Where there is opportunity to “relish for salvation”, is it not then reasonable to infer that Hamlet’s groundwork functions to no avail? I personally am not a fan of this level of expression in a piece of academic writing, though I don't think you'd be penalised for it, so take my advice as you please. He is no longer that of an organic identity for experience progressively shapes character beyond transcendence.  Expression issue there? What emerges out of Hamlet’s predicament is that of self-preservation. Adhering to the Aristotelian conventions of a revenge tragedy, Hamlet’s existential rhetoric in “To be or not to be” does not dysfunction the delicacy of his catharsis. The ethereal nature of death is highlighted through the euphemism “to sleep, perchance to dream” in that it revives the ideal world of imagination yet again. Responders shift from the transience of reality to the region of our desires. It ceases the metaphorical “sea of troubles” and subsequently, Hamlet preserves his identity in tranquillity. In projecting the futility of existence to responders through Hamlet, Shakespeare enlightens a nihilistic approach to the realm of morals – that is, the real. Again, your ideas are very powerful, but I don't feel you are sustaining an analysis here. See my comments below.

In retrospect, the intricacy of metatheatre lies within its ability to decipher the distinct bodies of rationality and irrationality. In merging them, responders’ interpretation of the play is shaped by morality and the implicated body politic. You'll need to beef up this conclusion a bit. Restate your Thesis, restate what you've discussed, and then reach a final conclusion. 3 sentences minimum, but given the length of your introduction, you'll need 4 or even 5 sentences to achieve a level of balance.

The ideas in your essay are extremely sophisticated Justina, you have some brilliant insights into your text!! Extremely impressive vocabulary and extremely clever concepts, so fantastic job there!

Okay, so I want to get Elyse to have a second look at this essay, because I'm honestly not sure what I think of it. Ideas are fabulous, that's for sure, but I personally found those ideas quite difficult to access. There is so much floating around, so much happening, that I think it loses conceptual focus. The way you express the ideas made it difficult for me to follow your thought process. I'm ABSOLUTELY happy to admit that you are just writing beyond my level and thus I'm finding it hard to access your ideas, but for whatever the reason, I found it hard to follow your essay. As I said, I'll get a second opinion on this, because I do think you are answering the question 

Unquestionably though, I think you do need a greater focus on analysis. You need a bit more of the usual "Technique/Explain/Audience" analysis style, more explanations of how Shakespeare has used technique to craft meaning (with particular reference to metatheatre in your case). Particularly given that the question asks for your understanding, you also need to ensure you discuss how the audience perceives the text, and how Shakespeare's use of techniques communicates ideas to us as an audience. This is vital for any essay! 

A great essay Justina, definitely a pleasure to read!! I'll get Elyse to give this a read for a second opinion, sorry my feedback can't be as helpful as I'd like! 

[Justina Shehata]

Thanks so much! Yeah i can definitely see what you mean about making some of my expressions clearer! Will definitely do that!! Thank you again!

[jamonwindeyer]

Thanks so much! Yeah i can definitely see what you mean about making some of my expressions clearer! Will definitely do that!! Thank you again!

Totally welcome!! Hang tight for a second opinion though, I'm a little unsure about this one, and if I'm ever unsure about my feedback I want to make sure someone checks my view. So I'm getting someone more capable than I to jump on and have a quick read, stay tuned! 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey there, this is an essay I've written for Module A (1984 and Metropolis) in preparation for trials!! Just wondering if someone could please have a look over it and see if it makes sense? It's also way too long at the moment, so if you think anything is unnecessary please let me know!!! Thankyou so much

Hey there liiz!! I'd love to have a look over it, and I'll keep an eye out for things to cut for you (if anything is definitely worth trimming for me I'll strike it out) 

Spoiler

Whilst control is fundamental to gaining power over individuals and groups in society, it has often been deleterious throughout history, resulting in repression and dehumanisation. Love this Thesis! I'd add something about how this notion of control is a popular topic for composers, link interest of audience, blah blah, before going into your texts! Metropolis, directed by Fritz Lang and George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four (1984) explore this excessive control at the extremes of autocratic and totalitarian regimes. Awesome! As the film and novel elucidate the context of Weimar Germany and Britain's post-WWII environment respectively, responders can gain a greater appreciation of how social and historical perspectives held at the time, shape and influence meaning within the didactic texts. By means of a comparative study, audiences further enrich their understanding of unrestricted control as a destructive influence on society, especially when paired with technology. Near faultless Liiz, seriously great. Adapt it to whatever question is in front of you and you will have a winner.

The abuse of power by means of control has often lead to social divisions and instability, as illustrated by Metropolis. Lang’s 1927 silent film draws parallels to the composer’s era following WWI, where authoritarian powers created economic and political inequalities. Influenced by German expressionism, the art-deco set design of the upper echelons of society incorporates bright opens spaces and bold geometric shapes whilst the conditions underground are dark, bleak and overcrowded. Through this clever cinematography, Lang establishes a strong juxtaposition between the classes and enables audiences to visually conceptualise how the decadence of the city is built, quite literally, on inequality. Ha, I love it. Brilliant indeed, you could rework it slightly to be more consequential for the audience (EG - not just noticing something about the text itself, but learning something about the abuse of power FROM the text). Whilst such a futuristic metropolis was not seen in Germany at the time, the film sought inspiration from the vast physical dimensions of expanding western cities, such as New York. To Lang, the city of the future was synonymous with exploitation and power at the expense of others. You are writing extremely well; if you need length trimmed, your challenge is to be more succinct! For example, try blending these past two sentences into one! This is evinced by the worker’s exhausted bodies trudging in stylised and synchronised columns to repetitious non-diegetic music. Furthermore, the biblical iconography of the  “Tower of Babel” is used to establish Fredersen’s omnipotent status and subsequently aid in Lang’s criticism of capitalist values. You are blending context into this essay absolutely magnificently! The intertitle of “Great is the world and it’s maker! And great is man” mirrors Fredersen’s characterisation, and enables audiences to identify man’s hubris at the forefront of an autocratic leadership. Whilst the struggle between the classes is made apparent, Metropolis depicts a romanticised view of industrialisation through the repetitive motif of the “hands that build” and “minds that plan.” As Freder eventually becomes the mediator, the film’s optimistic ending reflects the ideology of mutual cooperation that was beginning to take shape in Europe. Hence, Lang gives an insight into the changing values of his society as the imperial government was replaced by a form of representative democracy (Weimar Republic). This offers audiences a sense of hope in the struggle against power imbalances as oppressed individuals actively attain some control over their lives. Thus, Metropolis provides a strong case for how context can influence meaning and deepen audience's understanding of control. Again, absolutely fantastic Liiz, seriously wonderful. I'd like to see you adapting your analysis in terms of the audience ever so slightly, shifting the focus from "observing something within the text" to "learning something about the concept." This is more powerful, because it shows that the audience gains a new understanding beyond the text itself. You are doing it already, but try to implement it even more.

Similarly, Orwell’s 1949 prose novel, enriches audiences understanding of how control can impact negatively on society. However, 1984 does not provide any effective redress to the rigid society as Lang’s film, produced 20 years prior, does. Following the fascist and totalitarian regimes of Hitler’s Nazi Party and Stalin’s Soviet Union, Orwell captures a society of satirical extremes in which every aspect of an individual's life is subject to manipulation and overt control in the name of Big Brother. Whilst a symbol of trust and protection in the eyes of obedient individuals, he comes to represent oppression and absolute power. Any examples or techniques to demonstrate this? Humans rights are exchanged for state stability, security and hierarchy. The indoctrination by the Party is evident through the distortion of language, known as “newspeak”, in order to suppress any freedom of thought. As a result, readers are confronted by the authoritarian regimes and their ability to weaken the strength and independence of individual’s minds. Great link to audience. Orwell’s use of chiasmus in “who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past” cements the image, as reflected in Metropolis, of a domineering and powerful world. Good inter-textual link here. Since this is the Comparative Study, I'd like to see more of this! Furthermore, the emphatic language in “the ordinary people, the workers… were their slaves” warns how the excessive use of control contributes to the repression and subjugation of the masses. As Orwell reflects upon the happenings of WWII, he highlights how the fear within individuals and “herd mentality” was often too strong to question the imbalances of power and control. This is communicated through the imperative and emphatic language of the propaganda in 1984 - “WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH” - which no individual dares to refute, despite being blatantly oxymoronic to readers. This representation can be accounted for by Orwell’s observation of propaganda in mass media as well as the corruption of language for political power during his time.  Your frequent links to context are really great, keep this up. Furthermore, “the horrible thing about Two Minute Hate was not that one was obliged to act a part, but that it was impossible to avoid joining in… turning into a grimacing, screaming lunatic” vividly describes the unavoidable nature of indoctrination by the stronger powers, reminiscent of the events of WWII. and reinforces the oppression of individuals. Any technique attached to that quote? I have just realised your quotes are chewing a sizeable part of your word count: Try working on trimming them to only what is necessary to exemplify the technique. With a climate of fear in London and states run by totalitarian dictators prevalent during Orwell’s era, 1984 mirrors an oppressive regime as inherently dangerous for societal relations and individuals as leaders employ absolute and incessant power. Therefore, both 1984 and Metropolis, despite different contextual foundations, have enriched responder’s understanding of excessive control to be a detrimental influence on society, dividing the hegemonic forces and repressed. Another great paragraph here! At this point I'll recommend some more links between your two texts: I'm not getting too much comparison at this stage.

Such ramifications of injurious control are only seen to be exacerbated through technology, as explored in Metropolis. Nitpick: Try to mention the composer before the text. Consider it this way: We can say a Harry Potter is awesome, and it is, but really it is JK Rowling who is amazing. She should go first. Same here, putting the composer first implicitly establishes the fact that you notice the composer as the creator of the text, the text is just the medium for THEIR ideas. Whilst the technological advances represent 20th century achievements, Lang illustrates his deeper concern for humanity. What founds these concerns? A low angle shot makes viewers feel intimidated by the monstrous Moloch machine. Does this have any further relevance for modern audiences? The ancient deity that was honoured with human sacrifice takes shape with the assistance of increasingly dramatic music. Thus showing us what? This feels unnecessary in comparison to the power behind the rest of your analysis. As workers are devoured to appease the autocratic leadership, the confronting scene evokes an emotional response from audiences. What emotion? Lang communicates the merging of the pagan past with a capitalist present as the masses are still exploited to meet the needs of the powerful elite and fuel the industrial progress. The workers become dehumanised and degraded as their movements within a mid shot continue to be as robotic as the machines they tend, blurring the line between man and machine for audiences. Hence, the repressive nature of control and its ability to eradicate individualism through technology is conveyed. Additionally, as Lang dramatises the Marxist struggle of the underclass, the dangers of technology become a contextual trigger for moral degradation and social revolt. Cyborg Maria, created by Rotwang, the archetypal mad scientist, symbolises how the authority of man and “workers of the future” may be usurped by machines.Again, is this all the more relevant for modern audiences? The montage of amourous hands and eyes of men as they observe her dance sequences convey society’s desire for such technology, and its ability to corrupt individuals by controlling their actions. Fantastic. When Cyborg Maria incites a chaotic revolt amongst the suppressed workers, wide angle shots capture the destruction to the city and effectively communicate the potentially ruinous force of technology. Be careful not to slip too much into textual retell. As such, Lang’s contextual perspective on rebellion and lack of individual power as a result of technology in Metropolis have been able to enrich contemporary audiences understanding of control. Don't let my comments fool you: Another fantastic paragraph! Just small things to make it shine 

Comparably, Orwell develops readers understanding of control to have a dehumanising effect when exercised through technology in 1984. The stark and oppressive posters of Big Brother - that some have interpreted to resemble Hitler or Stalin - serve as a constant reminder to individuals that every aspect of their lives is monitored for “Big Brother is watching you.” Don't go low modality for your points; The posters ARE resembling Hitler and Stalin, because you say they are! The government’s ability to control and manipulate society is seen through advancements of tele-screens, microphones and cameras. Orwell’s utilisation of a simile in “[they] had watched him like a beetle under a magnifying glass” effectively conveys the overwhelming presence and scrutiny of the Thought Police, enabling responders to feel empathy for the subjugated and repressed masses. Fantastic. Orwell’s fear for technology, prompted by his era, was that governments would seize the power to peer into people’s private lives and there was no way of knowing whether citizens were being watched at any given moment. This is communicated through the emphatic and direct language, “technological progress only happens when its products can in some way be used for the diminution of human liberty.” Those previous two sentences are another candidate for being more succinct: Try to blend them into one! As such, the total lack of freedom as a result of increasing technology forces the regimented society to essentially become “the dead.” Similarly to Metropolis, the controlling nature of technology acts as a catalyst for Winston’s rebellion. These last two sentences only have consequence for the text: None for the audience and none for the concept. You can remove them! However, it is quickly undermined through torture and the Party’s “victory” over the protagonist is confirmed as “he loved Big Brother.” As Winston repeats “2+2=5”, audiences understand that he has lost touch with the reality he once defended, revealing the fragility of human resilience in the face of a ruthless, totalitarian regime. Therefore, readers enrich their understanding of the detrimental and implicit ways control can be employed through technology in 1984, resulting in the dehumanisation of man, as similarly explored by Metropolis. Yet again, extremely effective paragraph.

Lang and Orwell evidently promote values that are derived from the societies of their time through contextual perspectives. As such, Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four explore the abusive and dehumanising exercise of power under an autocratic leadership in which the populace is deprived, repressed and alienated. Responders are able to enrich their understanding of control, and it’s employment through technology, to be a powerful and often damaging influence on both social relations and the nature of humanity.  Great conclusion as well! I'd like to see you re-word your Thesis and stick it at the start of this conclusion, that would make it shine for me 

Liiz, this is an absolutely fantastic response. Introduction and conclusion are both nearly faultless, and the structure of your ideas is also fantastically logical. Your analysis is powerful, varied and audience focused, and context is integrated fantastically.

You submitted a version of this essay just over a month ago for marking. Seeing the difference, it is absolutely mind blowing how much it has improved. You should be seriously, seriously proud, because this response is wonderful.

All that said, I can still recommend a few changes. It's my job 

If you are looking for trims, I have two ideas. One (and I did this in a place or two), go through every paragraph and find sentences that aren't directly linked to either the audience, or the context. Consider, why is it there? If you don't have an answer, ditch it  also, be sure to only give the part of your quote that illustrates the technique you need, that might trim some words as well 

I'd also advise you to consider how you frame your audience links. Sometimes you are identifying things the audience learns about the concept, which is perfect. Other times, you just show what a technique has showed the audience about the text itself. This is less effective. Focus on the concept when you can!! 

Finally (and this is probably the most important) some more comparisons between the texts integrated throughout the paragraphs. This is the comparative module, so you need to be regularly comparing how the two texts explore similar ideas. The two paragraphs do this reasonably, but integrating comments throughout will make this stronger. Super important!!

All that said, this response is fantastic, and you should feel super confident with it heading into Trials, fantastic work!! 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi I am really not sure what I'm doing because this is my first time doing this and only found out you could do this from the Eng Adv lecture a couple of days ago. My teacher gives me minimal feedback, so I was wondering if you could look through this with a critical mind and let me know what to improve or cut out of this speech. There are also some points to consider and marking criteria down below after the speech. Note: this is only a draft so lacks a conclusion and another body paragraph.

Thanks and enjoy

Hey there study buddy! Since your response to mark is short I thought I'd get it done now as a last mark before I get some rest! Thanks for posting, and hope you enjoyed the lectures!! 

QUESTION: At the heart of the relationship between people and landscapes is a consideration of how an individual mindset is a decisive factor. Discuss.

Individual mindsets, when exposed to nature can change an individual's relationship with the landscape and ultimately how that individual views the world. I'd like to see a definition of what you view to inform an individuals mindset, or otherwise a little more depth in some other fashion. The scenes from both the prescribed text, De Botton's "The Art of Travel", and the related text "Ode To A Nightingale" by John Keats support this change of perspective. These scenes are when De Botton and Wordsworth are admiring the simplicity yet beauty of nature, Keats' nightingale just singing, not trying to be noticed or impress him and essentially the purity of nature and concept of the sublime. Try not to spend too much time just retelling parts of the text. This is unnecessary, and you should focus on presenting your ideas!  In "The Art of Travel" De Botton shows us that trees are permanent, stable representations of nature both physically and metaphorically when he observes that "The trees provided a ledge against which I could rest my thoughts, protected from the eddies anxiety." His conclusion is a very significant one and a perfect example of how beautiful nature can be as well as the power of landscapes to change a mindset. De Botton concludes "That afternoon [these trees] contributed a reason for me to be alive." Ensure that whenever you use a quote from the text, identify the TECHNIQUE within that quote! Similarly Keats in his "Ode To A Nightingale" is fantasising about the joys of killing himself before coming to the realisation upon hearing the nightingale's song, that it was singing for him and if he died now, the nightingale's song which was directed to him, would be in vain. This is supported when De Botton notes in The Art of Travel that "it seemed extraordinary that nature could on its own, without any concern for the happiness of two people.. come up with a scene so utterly suited to a human's sense of beauty and proportion." I like the links you make between the two texts, very nice. This reinforces the aspect that nature can just be nature and still entertain, enlighten and enrich our lives without any concern or intention to. The sheer beauty of nature is highlighted throughout Keats' poem when he writes "Now more than ever it seems so rich to die.. all would then sing and i have ears in vain." This effectively portrays his desire to live now after previously being "half in love with easeful death"

Okay, now what I'll do is give each criteria in turn, and suggest ways to improve your performance in relation to that criteria!

Presents a perceptive response which addresses all aspects of the question in relation to both the prescribed text and chosen related text.
Basically, is assessing how clever your ideas are, but more importantly, are you addressing the question. I think you are answering it fairly well, but definitely, the focus could be clearer in places. Ensure that everything is linked back to the question.

Evaluates skilfully how the ideas are represented in texts through extensive and detailed knowledge of the texts and features of language or techniques.
This is where I think you need a fair bit of work. Remember, when you are discussing the ideas presented by the composers, you must explain how they present it. This means techniques! Your analysis should take the form of TEA:

Technique - Simile, metaphor, alliteration, symbolism, etc: What technique has the composer used to present the idea?
Explain - What idea is being presented and WHY is it important (EG - what does it show about individual mindset)?
Audience - What does the audience learn?

Composed a sophisticated and well sustained response using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form.
This just relates to how well the speech is written and structured. It is written really well, but I'd like to see a more distinctive Intro/Body/Conclusion structure as you continue to develop it!!

A great start here study buddy!! Keen to see you keep developing it, great work! 

[jamonwindeyer]

OK, so this is a module C essay on Representing people and landscapes. I am at a total loss on how to bring it up to a band 5 at least! There are bits where I talk about the "significance of de Botton's ideas" and look, I really don't know what about his ideas I should include, there are so many!!!! Also, I cannot write 1200 words in 40 mins, so yeh, I am a bit of a work hoarder and need someone to cut out unnecessary bits.

P.s. The Texts i used are De Botton's, The Art of Travel and the painting, "Lady of Shalott".

THANK YOU!!

Hey there!! Happy to take a look at your essay, it is attached with comments throughout in bold! 

Spoiler

How do composers construct texts that reveal both the experience of landscapes and their significance for people?

Texts can create meaning by illustrating the relationship between people and landscapes. This is a safe Thesis; directly re-states the question, but I reckon you could do something more clever, expand a little! What IS the relationship between people and landscapes? WHY is it that composers continually illustrate this relationship? Things to consider! Alain de Botton’s non-fiction text, The Art of Travel (2002) and the nineteenth century painting by John William Waterhouse, The Lady of Shalott (1888) both convey the impact of people’s experiences on their understanding of themselves and others. De Botton and Waterhouse constructed their respective tests in a way that creates this meaning. This last sentence could be expressed a little differently, possibly integrating context? However, a solid introduction on the whole!! Definitely room for improvement, but foundations are solid 

The Art of Travel is a series of connected essays through which de Botton parallels his own experiences of travel with that of historical “guides” in order to convey the idea that all people can learn the eudaimonic value of a relationship with the landscape. Alain de Botton chooses to portray himself as an “everyman” in attempt to connect with a broader audience. In this way he expresses his ideas about people and landscapes, such as the eudaimonic effect of a landscape on people once they are able to interact with and discover the beauty of that place – much more effectively. Nice introductory section here; I reckon you could say all of the important bits of those three sentences in one big sentence. Some of it is unnecessary, for example, the plot detail. Try to start your body paragraphs with a conceptual statement. An overly simple example: "The Art of Travel demonstrates that there is a relationship between landscapes and people." See how it has a CONCEPT as the focus? Try this with some of the things you mention in the opening. Also, de Botton creates bathos by juxtaposing highly intellectual philosophy with humorous self=deprecating anecdotes. This is a recurring literary technique employed by de Botton, such as when he depicts the weather in London as “the perfect backdrop to the crucifixion of Christ or to a day beneath the bed clothes.” Here bathos is clearly evident as de Botton uniquely compares the solemnity of the day of the ‘ultimate sacrifice’ to the mood that the physical weather evokes in him that compels people to stay in bed. What does this show the audience about the experience of a landscape (for example), be sure to tell us the importance for the responder? After all, it was composed FOR them! Although unusual, the way de Botton constructs this text makes it more fluid and enjoyable to read, making his readers more susceptible to adopting his ideas. Nice! Any specific techniques which accomplish this? Similarly, de Botton regularly uses inclusive pronouns, such as: “we”, “our” and “us”, when introducing new or challenging philosophy about the solace or excitement we can draw from an interconnection with landscapes, in order to make his ideas seem less intimidating and allowing us to more willingly accept them. Nice tie ins with audience at this stage, excellent! De Botton suggests that “we may find something to appreciate in the skies of Provence once we are told, even if only in the crudest way, that it is the shade of blue that counts.”  Using low modality language, de Botton writes, “we may” learn to see the beauty in landscapes if humanity is told what to notice, if they are more observant. What does this show us about landscapes/experiences etc.?Furthermore, the many anecdotes de Botton include act as respites between complicated ideas, small interjections that give the reader time to absorb and ponder his ideas and those of the guides. These simple structural elements of his essays highlight de Botton’s clever construction of The Art of Travel. In a parallel, de Botton humanises his guides, historical figures in literature, such as Wordsworth, the famous poet. In a humorous tone, de Botton comments that Wordsworth “walked like a cade”, adding that a “cade (is) some sort of insect which advances by an oblique motion.” The adjective “oblique” connotes that Wordsworth had an awkward manner about him, allowing the reader to be less intimidated by the insight that Wordsworth’s poetry can offer as about the benefits of our experience in his beautifully illustrated natural environments. In this way, de Botton has constructed a series of essays that are rich in insight to the significance of landscapes to people and readily reveal these ideas to all people. Nice conclusion, this is a solid paragraph! I'd like to see a greater focus on the concept instead of the text, which will allow you to answer the question more clearly.

Conversely, John William Waterhouse visually reveals the emotional significance of one’s experience in a landscape in his painting, The Lady of Shalott. This is a little more conceptual, better! The female persona in this Arthurian scene is the Lady of Shalott who was fabled to be locked in a tower cursed to see the beauty of the world directly and die in a Victorian ballad by Alfred Lord Tennyson. Instead, she must look at the world outside in a mirror and create a tapestry of what she sees. One day, she sees Sir Lancelot and turns around to look at him directly from her tower. Suddenly realizing her fate, she walks down to the river, climbs in the boat and sails singing in the river current as she dies. These last four sentences are entirely textual retell. It is not necessary to retell the text; the marker wants only to see your analysis (techniques, audience impact, etc).Waterhouse depicts the scene as she begins her journey down the river, perhaps minutes before her death. As a whole, the landscape reflects her dying state and in this way the reader can identify the significance of the landscape to the Lady of Shalott. What techniques achieve this? Colour? In the boat, there are three candles melted down, with only one remaining weakly lit, symbolizing the nearness of her death and her wish to hold onto life. Placed next to these candles are rosary beads and a crucifix, three Christian symbols associated with prayer for salvation and forgiveness. Try to abstract the technique from the plot! Here for example, you'd just say, "Waterhouse's use of Christian symbols such as the rosary and the crucifix show that _________." These elements of the landscape suggest her hope for God’s forgiveness and for redemption. At the helm of the boat is a lantern, lit dimly, symbolizing a guiding light to the Lady’s afterlife; the absence of sails suggests that the Lady is reliant on the environment to lead her to Heaven. Her relinquishment of control to the landscape spiritually suggests that landscapes can evoke a sense of security and reassurance to troubled people; it reveals the spiritual and emotional significance of people’s experiences in meaningful landscapes. The painting is a typical Arthurian scene in which dark colour and the appearance of dim lighting is used to create a somber mood, reflecting the dying state of the lady, heightening the tragedy that is her death at such a young age. In contrast to the dark, somewhat blurred background, the Lady of Shallott is foregrounded by her salient red hair and white gown, as well as her central position in the painting. She is therefore the focal point, highlighting her innocence and youth, white being a symbol of purity, her vibrant, wild hair symbolizing freeness. What does this show the audience about the experience of a landscape? Ensure every inclusion answers the question directly! In this way, our attention is drawn to the sullen expression on her face and her indirect gaze: we can infer that she is part of the landscape, but is weak, in despair. Waterhouse includes two small sparrows, tangled in reeds; birds symbolizing freedom, so by tangling them in reeds, barely above ground, Waterhouse conveys that she cannot escape her curse – she will definitely die. Your ideas are really powerful here, but again, not quite focused on the question. The Lady is perched on her delicate tapestry; the section revealed illustrates the Lady and Sir Lancelot facing away from each other, the last scene she has sewn into the tapestry. This creates a sense of finality, as it is completion of her life’s work, her only purpose – she is going to die. In many ways, Waterhouse demonstrates the significance of seeing and having a connection with a landscape, particularly by using the painting media to reflect the meaning of Lady of Shallott’s last moments, experienced in tranquility. Therefore, The Lady of Shallot is a painting constructed by Waterhouse to reflect the effect of people’s experiences in certain landscapes on themselves emotionally and spiritually through the effective employment of several visual and symbolic techniques. Fantastic conclusion, but did your paragraph really do this?

In conclusion, The Art of Travel and The Lady of Shallott, although very different text mediums, both reveal the significance of landscapes for people by convering the meaning that can be derived from people’s experiences in specific places. Alain de Botton and John William Waterhouse constructed their respective texts to convey this idea by manipulating form and effectively utilizing visual and literary techniques. Solid conclusion! I'd like to see you expand on your ideas of the Thesis in one more sentence, but besides that, I think it works really well 

Great start of an essay here!! Frequently links to the audience, which I love, really ties the responder in well which forces your ideas to be legitimate. Very effective!

The introduction is short and safe, definitely room to expand it. Try considering your concept with a little more depth to consider some ways to make your main idea a little more clever.

There are a few improvements I'd suggest, but let's start with what I think is the biggest one. You need to develop a stronger conceptual focus. The conceptual focus of your essay is the main idea, the main theme explored in parts throughout. Your conceptual focus is a little broad, and your paragraphs aren't set up in a conceptual sort of way. This makes it difficult for you to be linking to the concept throughout the paragraph, and thus, makes it hard for you to answer the question effectively. Essentially, the conceptual focus ensures you answer the question, so it is super important.

I know you mentioned that you aren't sure which ideas to include. Basically, you need to hone in on the most important ones. Keep the focus on landscapes and addressing the question, all other ideas should be excluded!

Work on, for each paragraph, having a single sentence that summarises the main idea each text brings to the table. This goes to the start as your conceptual introduction to that paragraph. Then, every time you analyse the text afterwards, try and link to this idea 

I'd suggest some other improvements. Stronger analysis with a greater emphasis on technique, and less textual retell, will definitely improve the essay. Remember, the marker does not need to know what happened in the text/its background, only the ideas it is presenting! You can remove any sentence which doesn't relate to an idea communicated by the composer to the audience; that is the only thing you should be doing.

These are my two big recommendations  read the comments and hopefully take these on board, definitely feel free to clarify anything that isn't clear!!

I hope this helps 

[studybuddy7777]

Hey there study buddy! Since your response to mark is short I thought I'd get it done now as a last mark before I get some rest! Thanks for posting, and hope you enjoyed the lectures!! 

QUESTION: At the heart of the relationship between people and landscapes is a consideration of how an individual mindset is a decisive factor. Discuss.

Individual mindsets, when exposed to nature can change an individual's relationship with the landscape and ultimately how that individual views the world. I'd like to see a definition of what you view to inform an individuals mindset, or otherwise a little more depth in some other fashion. The scenes from both the prescribed text, De Botton's "The Art of Travel", and the related text "Ode To A Nightingale" by John Keats support this change of perspective. These scenes are when De Botton and Wordsworth are admiring the simplicity yet beauty of nature, Keats' nightingale just singing, not trying to be noticed or impress him and essentially the purity of nature and concept of the sublime. Try not to spend too much time just retelling parts of the text. This is unnecessary, and you should focus on presenting your ideas!  In "The Art of Travel" De Botton shows us that trees are permanent, stable representations of nature both physically and metaphorically when he observes that "The trees provided a ledge against which I could rest my thoughts, protected from the eddies anxiety." His conclusion is a very significant one and a perfect example of how beautiful nature can be as well as the power of landscapes to change a mindset. De Botton concludes "That afternoon [these trees] contributed a reason for me to be alive." Ensure that whenever you use a quote from the text, identify the TECHNIQUE within that quote! Similarly Keats in his "Ode To A Nightingale" is fantasising about the joys of killing himself before coming to the realisation upon hearing the nightingale's song, that it was singing for him and if he died now, the nightingale's song which was directed to him, would be in vain. This is supported when De Botton notes in The Art of Travel that "it seemed extraordinary that nature could on its own, without any concern for the happiness of two people.. come up with a scene so utterly suited to a human's sense of beauty and proportion." I like the links you make between the two texts, very nice. This reinforces the aspect that nature can just be nature and still entertain, enlighten and enrich our lives without any concern or intention to. The sheer beauty of nature is highlighted throughout Keats' poem when he writes "Now more than ever it seems so rich to die.. all would then sing and i have ears in vain." This effectively portrays his desire to live now after previously being "half in love with easeful death"

Okay, now what I'll do is give each criteria in turn, and suggest ways to improve your performance in relation to that criteria!

Presents a perceptive response which addresses all aspects of the question in relation to both the prescribed text and chosen related text.
Basically, is assessing how clever your ideas are, but more importantly, are you addressing the question. I think you are answering it fairly well, but definitely, the focus could be clearer in places. Ensure that everything is linked back to the question.

Evaluates skilfully how the ideas are represented in texts through extensive and detailed knowledge of the texts and features of language or techniques.
This is where I think you need a fair bit of work. Remember, when you are discussing the ideas presented by the composers, you must explain how they present it. This means techniques! Your analysis should take the form of TEA:

Technique - Simile, metaphor, alliteration, symbolism, etc: What technique has the composer used to present the idea?
Explain - What idea is being presented and WHY is it important (EG - what does it show about individual mindset)?
Audience - What does the audience learn?

Composed a sophisticated and well sustained response using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form.
This just relates to how well the speech is written and structured. It is written really well, but I'd like to see a more distinctive Intro/Body/Conclusion structure as you continue to develop it!!

A great start here study buddy!! Keen to see you keep developing it, great work! 

Thanks so much for this!! My teacher never really has time/makes time/could be bothered to teach us how to actually structure a speech properly. I will certainly consider the feedback and post a revision on here. This is about half the speech so should I try and improve this part first or go on talking about the other stuff I have to talk about in my speech?