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December 02, 2025, 06:06:08 pm

Author Topic: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)  (Read 747908 times)

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HKSMASO6

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #345 on: July 11, 2016, 07:59:28 pm »
Hello i have attached my Mod A (Metropolis & 1984)  and my mod b (Hamlet)
Thanks Very much
« Last Edit: July 11, 2016, 08:46:05 pm by HKSMASO6 »

lowrifunnell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #346 on: July 11, 2016, 08:25:51 pm »
Hi! We've got an essay coming up for Module B on T.S Eliot's, The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock, we've been told that the key words will be context, enduring relevance, and personal understanding. I havent written a conclusion yet but I just wanted to see if what I've got so far is any good? I also wrote the first paragraph simply on context, form, and style, and I didn't include any quotes or techniques for that so idk if thats okay or not? I'm also slightly worried that then it will look like I only have 2 massive body paragraphs...

Thanks so much!! :)

brontem

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #347 on: July 11, 2016, 08:32:43 pm »
Hi! We've got an essay coming up for Module B on T.S Eliot's, The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock, we've been told that the key words will be context, enduring relevance, and personal understanding. I havent written a conclusion yet but I just wanted to see if what I've got so far is any good? I also wrote the first paragraph simply on context, form, and style, and I didn't include any quotes or techniques for that so idk if thats okay or not? I'm also slightly worried that then it will look like I only have 2 massive body paragraphs...

Thanks so much!! :)

We're doing the same task, ^^^^ forgot to include all this but ditto

atar27

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #348 on: July 12, 2016, 05:28:38 pm »
Thank You so much Jamon!! That helped so much! That was great feedback!!! :)

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #349 on: July 12, 2016, 10:03:03 pm »
Hey guys!! Elyse and I will resume marking once the current lecture series is complete, so expect a bit of a backlog until then and until we catch up, sorry for the inconvenience!!  ;D

Also, remember to read the essay marking guidelines in my signature below. You need 5 ATAR Notes posts for every essay you'd like marked, some of you will need a few more to quality!!

Justina Shehata

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #350 on: July 13, 2016, 12:22:56 am »
When writing thesis statements for English essays, is it recommended to use words from the question itself or key words from the rubric. Or do we define key words of the question?

Justina Shehata

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #351 on: July 13, 2016, 12:52:08 am »
Hey!
this is my hamlet essay - the question given was "explore how the play-within-a-play contributed to your personal understanding of the play as a whole?
does this answer the question?

WLalex

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #352 on: July 13, 2016, 11:49:25 pm »
When writing thesis statements for English essays, is it recommended to use words from the question itself or key words from the rubric. Or do we define key words of the question?

Hey Justina,

Defiantly use words from the question!! That should really be the first thing you do to let the marker know you haven't just gone straight into a pre-prepared essay. So basically, keep wording very similar to the question for your first sentence and then expand on the more in the next one...introduce texts..idea...etc...
No, you do not need to define any words, the markers will know what they mean.

Hope I was of help,
Alex :)
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HKSMASO6

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #353 on: July 14, 2016, 12:18:05 am »
When writing thesis statements for English essays, is it recommended to use words from the question itself or key words from the rubric. Or do we define key words of the question?
So what i do in my essays is have a main thesis where i try to use the words from the question however if i need to use it twice i would use a synonyms so i don't sound repetitive. However in the second line i add in context and show how it is relevant with the questions tying it closely with the questions while tying to not sound repetitive. By doing this, your concluding sentence can be in more detail.
Just make sure that you relate how your text relates to the question.

liiz

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #354 on: July 14, 2016, 12:41:11 pm »
Hey there, this is an essay I've written for Module A (1984 and Metropolis) in preparation for trials!! Just wondering if someone could please have a look over it and see if it makes sense? It's also way too long at the moment, so if you think anything is unnecessary please let me know!!! Thankyou so much :))

Spoiler
Whilst control is fundamental to gaining power over individuals and groups in society, it has often been deleterious throughout history, resulting in repression and dehumanisation. Metropolis, directed by Fritz Lang and George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four (1984) explore this excessive control at the extremes of autocratic and totalitarian regimes. As the film and novel elucidate the context of Weimar Germany and Britain's post-WWII environment respectively, responders can gain a greater appreciation of how social and historical perspectives held at the time, shape and influence meaning within the didactic texts. By means of a comparative study, audiences further enrich their understanding of unrestricted control as a destructive influence on society, especially when paired with technology.

The abuse of power by means of control has often lead to social divisions and instability, as illustrated by Metropolis. Lang’s 1927 silent film draws parallels to the composer’s era following WWI, where authoritarian powers created economic and political inequalities. Influenced by German expressionism, the art-deco set design of the upper echelons of society incorporates bright opens spaces and bold geometric shapes whilst the conditions underground are dark, bleak and overcrowded. Through this clever cinematography, Lang establishes a strong juxtaposition between the classes and enables audiences to visually conceptualise how the decadence of the city is built, quite literally, on inequality. Whilst such a futuristic metropolis was not seen in Germany at the time, the film sought inspiration from the vast physical dimensions of expanding western cities, such as New York. To Lang, the city of the future was synonymous with exploitation and power at the expense of others. This is evinced by the worker’s exhausted bodies trudging in stylised and synchronised columns to repetitious non-diegetic music. Furthermore, the biblical iconography of the  “Tower of Babel” is used to establish Fredersen’s omnipotent status and subsequently aid in Lang’s criticism of capitalist values. The intertitle of “Great is the world and it’s maker! And great is man” mirrors Fredersen’s characterisation, and enables audiences to identify man’s hubris at the forefront of an autocratic leadership. Whilst the struggle between the classes is made apparent, Metropolis depicts a romanticised view of industrialisation through the repetitive motif of the “hands that build” and “minds that plan.” As Freder eventually becomes the mediator, the film’s optimistic ending reflects the ideology of mutual cooperation that was beginning to take shape in Europe. Hence, Lang gives an insight into the changing values of his society as the imperial government was replaced by a form of representative democracy (Weimar Republic). This offers audiences a sense of hope in the struggle against power imbalances as oppressed individuals actively attain some control over their lives. Thus, Metropolis provides a strong case for how context can influence meaning and deepen audience's understanding of control. 

Similarly, Orwell’s 1949 prose novel, enriches audiences understanding of how control can impact negatively on society. However, 1984 does not provide any effective redress to the rigid society as Lang’s film, produced 20 years prior, does. Following the fascist and totalitarian regimes of Hitler’s Nazi Party and Stalin’s Soviet Union, Orwell captures a society of satirical extremes in which every aspect of an individual's life is subject to manipulation and overt control in the name of Big Brother. Whilst a symbol of trust and protection in the eyes of obedient individuals, he comes to represent oppression and absolute power. Humans rights are exchanged for state stability, security and hierarchy. The indoctrination by the Party is evident through the distortion of language, known as “newspeak”, in order to suppress any freedom of thought. As a result, readers are confronted by the authoritarian regimes and their ability to weaken the strength and independence of individual’s minds. Orwell’s use of chiasmus in “who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past” cements the image, as reflected in Metropolis, of a domineering and powerful world. Furthermore, the emphatic language in “the ordinary people, the workers… were their slaves” warns how the excessive use of control contributes to the repression and subjugation of the masses. As Orwell reflects upon the happenings of WWII, he highlights how the fear within individuals and “herd mentality” was often too strong to question the imbalances of power and control. This is communicated through the imperative and emphatic language of the propaganda in 1984 - “WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH” - which no individual dares to refute, despite being blatantly oxymoronic to readers. This representation can be accounted for by Orwell’s observation of propaganda in mass media as well as the corruption of language for political power during his time.  Furthermore, “the horrible thing about Two Minute Hate was not that one was obliged to act a part, but that it was impossible to avoid joining in… turning into a grimacing, screaming lunatic” vividly describes the unavoidable nature of indoctrination by the stronger powers, reminiscent of the events of WWII. and reinforces the oppression of individuals. With a climate of fear in London and states run by totalitarian dictators prevalent during Orwell’s era, 1984 mirrors an oppressive regime as inherently dangerous for societal relations and individuals as leaders employ absolute and incessant power. Therefore, both 1984 and Metropolis, despite different contextual foundations, have enriched responder’s understanding of excessive control to be a detrimental influence on society, dividing the hegemonic forces and repressed.

Such ramifications of injurious control are only seen to be exacerbated through technology, as explored in Metropolis. Whilst the technological advances represent 20th century achievements, Lang illustrates his deeper concern for humanity. A low angle shot makes viewers feel intimidated by the monstrous Moloch machine. The ancient deity that was honoured with human sacrifice takes shape with the assistance of increasingly dramatic music. As workers are devoured to appease the autocratic leadership, the confronting scene evokes an emotional response from audiences. Lang communicates the merging of the pagan past with a capitalist present as the masses are still exploited to meet the needs of the powerful elite and fuel the industrial progress. The workers become dehumanised and degraded as their movements within a mid shot continue to be as robotic as the machines they tend, blurring the line between man and machine for audiences. Hence, the repressive nature of control and its ability to eradicate individualism through technology is conveyed. Additionally, as Lang dramatises the Marxist struggle of the underclass, the dangers of technology become a contextual trigger for moral degradation and social revolt. Cyborg Maria, created by Rotwang, the archetypal mad scientist, symbolises how the authority of man and “workers of the future” may be usurped by machines. The montage of amourous hands and eyes of men as they observe her dance sequences convey society’s desire for such technology, and its ability to corrupt individuals by controlling their actions. When Cyborg Maria incites a chaotic revolt amongst the suppressed workers, wide angle shots capture the destruction to the city and effectively communicate the potentially ruinous force of technology.  As such, Lang’s contextual perspective on rebellion and lack of individual power as a result of technology in Metropolis have been able to enrich contemporary audiences understanding of control.

Comparably, Orwell develops readers understanding of control to have a dehumanising effect when exercised through technology in 1984. The stark and oppressive posters of Big Brother - that some have interpreted to resemble Hitler or Stalin - serve as a constant reminder to individuals that every aspect of their lives is monitored for “Big Brother is watching you.” The government’s ability to control and manipulate society is seen through advancements of tele-screens, microphones and cameras. Orwell’s utilisation of a simile in “[they] had watched him like a beetle under a magnifying glass” effectively conveys the overwhelming presence and scrutiny of the Thought Police, enabling responders to feel empathy for the subjugated and repressed masses. Orwell’s fear for technology, prompted by his era, was that governments would seize the power to peer into people’s private lives and there was no way of knowing whether citizens were being watched at any given moment. This is communicated through the emphatic and direct language, “technological progress only happens when its products can in some way be used for the diminution of human liberty.” As such, the total lack of freedom as a result of increasing technology forces the regimented society to essentially become “the dead.” Similarly to Metropolis, the controlling nature of technology acts as a catalyst for Winston’s rebellion. However, it is quickly undermined through torture and the Party’s “victory” over the protagonist is confirmed as “he loved Big Brother.” As Winston repeats “2+2=5”, audiences understand that he has lost touch with the reality he once defended, revealing the fragility of human resilience in the face of a ruthless, totalitarian regime. Therefore, readers enrich their understanding of the detrimental and implicit ways control can be employed through technology in 1984, resulting in the dehumanisation of man, as similarly explored by Metropolis.

Lang and Orwell evidently promote values that are derived from the societies of their time through contextual perspectives. As such, Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four explore the abusive and dehumanising exercise of power under an autocratic leadership in which the populace is deprived, repressed and alienated. Responders are able to enrich their understanding of control, and it’s employment through technology, to be a powerful and often damaging influence on both social relations and the nature of humanity. 

ehatton2016

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #355 on: July 14, 2016, 12:43:32 pm »
OK, so this is a module C essay on Representing people and landscapes. I am at a total loss on how to bring it up to a band 5 at least! There are bits where I talk about the "significance of de Botton's ideas" and look, I really don't know what about his ideas I should include, there are so many!!!! Also, I cannot write 1200 words in 40 mins, so yeh, I am a bit of a work hoarder and need someone to cut out unnecessary bits.

P.s. The Texts i used are De Botton's, The Art of Travel and the painting, "Lady of Shalott".

THANK YOU!!

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #356 on: July 14, 2016, 01:07:27 pm »
Hey all! Trial Lectures are done! Thanks to everyone who came, and welcome to everyone new to the forums, so happy to have you!  ;D

So, marking is resuming, and we aim to be caught up as quickly as possible. Here is status report! These are the users who have met the essay marking posting criteria and are on our marking list (I'm using this as a list, once you're marked, I'll remove you from this list!)

HSKMASO6: You've accrued 5 posts and so I will mark your Module A!
Hello i have attached my Mod A (Metropolis & 1984)  and my mod b (Hamlet)
Thanks Very much
« Last Edit: July 17, 2016, 12:22:59 am by jamonwindeyer »

studybuddy7777

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #357 on: July 14, 2016, 02:13:06 pm »
Hi I am really not sure what I'm doing because this is my first time doing this and only found out you could do this from the Eng Adv lecture a couple of days ago. My teacher gives me minimal feedback, so I was wondering if you could look through this with a critical mind and let me know what to improve or cut out of this speech. There are also some points to consider and marking criteria down below after the speech. Note: this is only a draft so lacks a conclusion and another body paragraph.

Thanks and enjoy :D

QUESTION: At the heart of the relationship between people and landscapes is a consideration of how an individual mindset is a decisive factor. Discuss.

Individual mindsets, when exposed to nature can change an individual's relationship with the landscape and ultimately how that individual views the world. The scenes from both the prescribed text, De Botton's "The Art of Travel", and the related text "Ode To A Nightingale" by John Keats support this change of perspective. These scenes are when De Botton and Wordsworth are admiring the simplicity yet beauty of nature, Keats' nightingale just singing, not trying to be noticed or impress him and essentially the purity of nature and concept of the sublime. In "The Art of Travel" De Botton shows us that trees are permanent, stable representations of nature both physically and metaphorically when he observes that "The trees provided a ledge against which I could rest my thoughts, protected from the eddies anxiety." His conclusion is a very significant one and a perfect example of how beautiful nature can be as well as the power of landscapes to change a mindset. De Botton concludes "That afternoon [these trees] contributed a reason for me to be alive." Similarly Keats in his "Ode To A Nightingale" is fantasising about the joys of killing himself before coming to the realisation upon hearing the nightingale's song, that it was singing for him and if he died now, the nightingale's song which was directed to him, would be in vain. This is supported when De Botton notes in The Art of Travel that "it seemed extraordinary that nature could on its own, without any concern for the happiness of two people.. come up with a scene so utterly suited to a human's sense of beauty and proportion." This reinforces the aspect that nature can just be nature and still entertain, enlighten and enrich our lives without any concern or intention to. The sheer beauty of nature is highlighted throughout Keats' poem when he writes "Now more than ever it seems so rich to die.. all would then sing and i have ears in vain." This effectively portrays his desire to live now after previously being "half in love with easeful death"


Some points to consider:
Module C: Representing and Text
Elective 2: People and Landscapes
This is approximately 2 minutes out of a 4-5 minute speech
Palm cards are acceptable
Due: Tuesday 23/8/16
Draft Due: 22/7/16

Marking Criteria:
17-20 A: Presents a perceptive response which addresses all aspects of the question in relation to both the prescribed text and chosen related text. Evaluates skilfully how the ideas are represented in texts through extensive and detailed knowledge of the texts and features of language or techniques. Composed a sophisticated and well sustained response using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form.


jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #358 on: July 14, 2016, 04:12:47 pm »
Hey!! This is my Mod B - its only on one poem as of now, and I want to know if I'm doing it right/it makes sense/etc etc.
Please, pull it apart, be harsh  ;D ;D
Thanks  ;D ;D

Hey Bronte! Sorry this took way too long to mark, but here you go! Comments throughout as usual, you know the drill  ;)

Spoiler
A rapidly changing external environment can lead an individual to deep introspection; it is in this sense where audiences can personally connect to a composition due to the universality of the composer’s thought. Another super clever Thesis! However, I'm not quite clicking with the connection between the first half of the sentence and the other. Is it the characters experiencing the changing environment or the composer, who then reflects on this in the text? TS Eliot looked increasingly inward to portray his innermost feelings, “The Love song of J Alfred Prufrock” is considered a personal response to the collapse of Romanticism and an increasingly industrialised world. The first part of that sentence might be unnecessary? Eliot’s free verse stream of consciousness leaves an enduring impression on audiences, due to the universal struggle of inner turmoil which is inherent to humanity. Great start to an intro, be sure to expand it a little more as you add more poems!

The lasting impression which Eliot’s poetry leaves on audiences, irrespective of context, is how Eliot, through the persona of Prufrock, deeply connects with common aspects of human nature. Perfect! The Love Song is an uncensored inner monologue with an overwhelming sense of inertia; the image of “a patient etherised upon a table” represents of Prufrock’s tumultuous anguish and pained sense of failure. Eliot’s drawn out repetition of “there will be time” is symbolic of Prufrock’s own indecisiveness – as he, much like many others caught amongst existential uncertainty, fails to make purposeful action in life. The weary tone continued through the poem, accommodated due to its free verse structure, allows audiences to connect with Eliot’s exploration of an individual’s sense of self. Great connection to audience there! Fantastic, succinct expression too, super powerful. Eliot deliberately manipulates the poem as a stream of consciousness by using rhetorical questions “Do I dare?” representing the anxiety and uncertainty previously untouched by Romantic literature. Far out, absolutely superb. Eliot’s poetry has a lasting impression on audience which endures to the modern world, as an exploration of universal human traits gives The Love Song continuing relevance to all audiences. Not much to suggest here at all, perhaps the slightest more tendency towards the "continuing relevance to all audiences" aspect throughout your analysis, but even that is done fairly well already. Absolutely brilliant.

The rise of Modernism in the 20th century saw the idealism of the Romantic period being replaced by a rawer and more realistic view of life where uncertainty and disillusionment infiltrated the new world order. Eliot utilised this vacuumed sense of doubt, mirroring Freud’s exploration of the divided self “let us go then, you and I”. Fantastic. Eliot uses the ambiguity of human thought to represent the turmoil of his context “…women come and go, talking of Michelangelo” as a continuous motif with a childish rhythm which comments on the mundane vacuousness of society. The allusion to Michelangelo, a great, passionate artist is a stark juxtaposition between the bland realities of life to its potential; one filled with passion and energy. Prufrocks languid inertia “To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet” represents the meaningless social conventions which shape an individual’s shifting façade, and personality is lost. More fantastic commentary and analysis, very very clever. Eliot illustrates the reality of social existence with the metonym of “toast and tea”, reflecting the claustrophobic rituals of upper-middle class society that Prufrock has become trapped by. Remember to make sure that you always stick with wider representational consequence, like, don't just say it represents something relevant to the characters, say things that are represented as relevant to the audience. Modernism’s realistic collage of life is represented by Eliot; repetition of “Do I dare? Do I dare?” is a comment on the intense scrutiny from society which causes Prufrocks self-depreciation. Eliot sought to expose greater psychological realism to his audience; achieved through the metaphor “measured my life with coffee spoons” – Prufrock has allocated so little to himself due his insecurities, and consequently lives passively. Eliot explicitly comments on the trivial existence of society in the 20thC; his Modernistic realism challenged the idealism of the romantic period by delving deeper into the truths of humanity. Ever so slightly too much focus on the character of Prufrock in this paragraph, and not enough wider analysis to link the audience. However, still another BRILLIANT paragraph.

Eliot’s stylistic choices made The Love Song not only relevant to his context, but his social commentary has endured over a century to resonate with a modern day audience. The reductive imagery of physical components “voices..eyes..arms..head” throughout the poem is symbolic of Eliots view of his society as one that lacks conformity and sense of self. Eliot maintains a strong connection with audiences with the overriding, yet fluctuating emotional tempo throughout the poem, representing an individuals disjointed consciousness. Great stuff. Emotional intensity is heightened with questioning “Do I dare disturb the universe?” such tempo is then dropped with heavy use of assonance “I have known them all already.. evenings, mornings, afternoons”. Eliot connects deeply with audiences both past and present – despite continuing contextual changes, by including the inherent nature of an individual’s conscious thought, The Love Song endures as universally engaging poem. I feel like THAT sentence should go near the start of the paragraph, it is very Thesis like, and then you can use the idea of conscious thought throughout the paragraph to drive your argument. The Love Song presents sordid, yet realistic images to the audience; “butt-ends of my days” metaphorically portrays man’s lowly existence; Eliot’s use of metonym “Lonely men in shirts sleeves” representing the displacement due to rapid urbanisation and industrialisation which began in the 20th century. The scrutiny which individuals face is consistently illustrated by Eliot; “asserted by a simple pin” represents the constriction of society’s standards, later heightened when Prufrock is “pinned against the wall”. Eliot, by maintaining strong textual integrity with the consistency of the images portrayed, allows the love song to have relevance with audiences within the Modernism era, but resonating with modern audiences also. Another great paragraph there, some fantastic ideas, very very well argued.

Wow, definitely not much I can say about that essay, absolutely spectacular!!

You are definitely on the right track with your ideas and how they are structured. Your analysis is on point; the second paragraph does slip a little bit too much into textual retell, just focusing on the characters too much, but on the whole absolutely fantastic. Your ideas are super super clever and work well within the requirements of the module too. Very very hard to fault!  ;D

As you add more poems, be sure to ensure that your analysis is balanced between them, and this may require some more succinct expression/selective textual referencing to fit everything in. That said, as it stands, this is an awesome essay, I'm excited to see it grow as you add more stuff  ;D

brontem

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #359 on: July 14, 2016, 04:33:22 pm »
Thank you so much!! Such a relief that its on the right track hahah  :D
I'll take out some of the re-tell bits and swap that sentence around (there was also no conclusion but idk if that needs to be marked)
Hey Bronte! Sorry this took way too long to mark, but here you go! Comments throughout as usual, you know the drill  ;)
Also I now seem to be on a first name basis with people hahah  :P :P
Thank you again!! ;D