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Daniyahasan:

--- Quote from: jamonwindeyer on July 22, 2017, 05:14:38 pm ---25 posts, the requirement has increased to help us manage the busy Trial period :)

--- End quote ---

Oh okay, i was just making sure thank you:)

elysepopplewell:
Hey all, in 48 hours from now we will be locking these marking threads for the trial period. The two main reasons being, we want to be able to help lots of students in the time it takes to mark an essay/creative (usually 30-45 minutes at least) while lots of students need the help during trials, and also because feedback becomes less constructive with minimal time until the exam because we want to avoid panicking you with big changes, so the feedback isn't as worthwhile for you.

Not to fear - you still have 48 hours to post your work and we will get to marking them even after the threads are locked (if there's backlog).

We'll still be here to help you during the trials with all of our Q+A threads, downloadable notes, thesis statement feedback and so on. Thanks for understanding! We're still here to help on all of the boards that aren't marking threads! :)

beatroot:
Hello! Would I be able to get my Trial Mod B essay marked? This essay was the lowest for my Paper two exam (15/20). My teacher's main concerns were my written expressions and all my introduction sentences in my body paragraphs. I've taken her comments into account and tried to fix my essay as much as possible. Though I would like to get my essay checked before I re-submit it to her ;D ;D. Thanks heaps!  :)

jamonwindeyer:

--- Quote from: beatroot on August 28, 2017, 09:38:06 pm ---Hello! Would I be able to get my Trial Mod B essay marked? This essay was the lowest for my Paper two exam (15/20). My teacher's main concerns were my written expressions and all my introduction sentences in my body paragraphs. I've taken her comments into account and tried to fix my essay as much as possible. Though I would like to get my essay checked before I re-submit it to her ;D ;D. Thanks heaps!  :)

--- End quote ---

Hey Bea! Sure thing, I've attached with feedback in bold! ;D

SpoilerQuestion: How does Marele Day presents ideas of the city and its people? (Something like that)

Certain perceptions of the world and society can be shaped through the distinct qualities of a text. The unique characteristics of a text have the capacity to broaden perspectives on people and the world. These are two very broad statements, I'd like for you to (at some point) hone in on the sorts of perceptions you'll be focusing on (city and its people), in some way. In the Australian novel ‘The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender’ by Marele Day, the author provokes new understandings of certain ideas such as the role of women in society, criminality and corruption, broadening ideas of the city and its people. I like that you have broken down your paragraph topics, but I'm not convinced how these relate to the question! I think you should make your introduction a little bit longer to try and iron that out for your marker, because I'm not clicking with the connection to the question right now!

Some female continually break gender roles throughout their unique characterisations, challenging initial perceptions of women. Wording there is a little bit off - Also, try and emphasise that the COMPOSER represents their female composers to challenge perceptions, the composer is a really important part of Module B. The protagonist of the novel, Claudia Valentine, is a female ‘hard boiled’ detective, who pushes the boundaries of gender stereotypes. Careful, don't retell - Always assume your marker has read your text, they don't need descriptions! The utilisation of Claudia Valentine as a detective, has allowed for Day to comment on certain issues, ‘I don’t carry a gun unlike some of my cowboy colleagues,’ criticising on gun use and on Claudia’s fellow male colleagues’ depended on them. What technique was used here (I spot alliteration)? Remember, it is always how the composer has used . a technique to create meaning, that's the key. The sobriquet of ‘cowboy colleagues’ refers to the rough and rogue nature of her male colleagues, who constantly use their guns to reassure their manliness. Ah, here's the technique, good! It works better in the same sentence for better flow. Try to explain its impact beyond just the characters, the characters aren't important beyond the text, we want broader ideas. However, the gender differences between Claudia and her male detectives allows for her to reassess this idea and see guns as a protective mechanism as a way to normalise murder and glamorise death in society. Is this still about gender roles and female stereotyping? It feels like we've gone a tad off track. Instead, Claudia depends on her physical skills instead ‘with one kick … I kicked out of reach’, illustrating her martial art skills. Technique here? Unlike her male colleagues, Claudia shows that it is possible for less gun use in society. Through the repetition of ‘kick’, Claudia also demonstrates her strengths and pushing the physical extremities of her body, challenging initial perception of the ‘weak female’ in society. Good link of technique to the perception it challenges! Remember to attribute it to the composer though, Claudia doesn't demonstrate anything, the composer demonstrates this THROUGH Claudia as a puppet. Furthermore, Claudia learns to criticise herself after a conflict with Sally Villos ‘cold hard bitch, cold hard monster’, illustrating her multidimensional character beyond her heroic surface. Try not retell things that happen in the text! This demonstrates that women can too be ‘bitches’ and ‘monsters’, adding another layer to her character. The character of Claudia Valentine allows for the reader to renew ideas about the city and its people. Some good ideas here, but again the link between gender roles and the question is a little vague, so this conclusion seems like a stretch.

The criminal mind can be shaped through a number of factors, adding another layer of dimension to their character and provoke empathy for criminals. Interesting topic idea, I like this! Marele Day voices the novel’s antagonist, Harry Lavender, through the dual narrative, allowing for insight into his mind and its psychology. Harry begins his story, ‘I am a refugee’, whereby the sobriquet of the ‘refugee’ alludes to his first hand experience of the war. As soon as you start acknowledging whereabouts in the story your quote lies, chances are you are retelling the story and/or describing your characters. This won't earn you marks! It's all about techniques, quotes and analysis of themes. The impact of the war during his childhood has wiped away his individuality and cause him to depend on this label as a part of his identity. Description of character. His time as a refugee foreshadows his future occupation as a notorious criminal, due to the early experience with the war and the normalisation of violence in his childhood, forming the basis of his damaged esteem. Harry continues to discuss his opinion on murder and refers to as ‘assassination on the rocks’. Still describing a character!  Marele Day cleverly uses word play and refers to the bartending terminology ‘whiskey on the rocks’, a drink used for celebratory occasions. By amalgamating ‘assassination’ and ‘on the rocks’, it is clear that Harry attempts to desensitize murder, emphasising his insanity and distraught personality, that is a result of his time as a refugee. What does this try and show the audience about criminals in general? Lastly, Harry reveals how he feels about murder, ‘Nothing, I feel nothing’. The repetition of ‘nothing’ exemplifying his destroyed conscience and lack of morals that was certainly normalised during his traumatic childhood and has led to his time as a notorious criminal in the future, revealing the effects of war on an individual but as well provides insights into his life, gaining empathy from the reader. Good analysis there - Quote, technique and effect on reader. Good work, The dual narrative of the novel allows for the understanding of Harry’s childhood and the factors that have contributed to his criminality in the present time of the novel. Always try and link to the question in the concluding sentence!

The corruption of a city can be concealed by its paradisal appearance, adding another dimension and layer to the city. The setting of the novel is set in the city of Sydney, a city from for its idyllic appearance and safe for its inhabitants. However, the author challenges the reader’s initial perception of the city and introduce Sydney’s criminal underbelly. Try and be super concise with your wording to make room for more quotes/techniques - Those last two sentences could be squeezed into one I reckon! Day describes ‘the centre pole of Sydney Tower … with fool’s gold’, referencing the Sydney tower, which represents Sydney’s highly desirable modern, glossy facade which has the capacity to hide its corrupted side. However, Day juxtaposes this facade with ‘with fool’s gold’, where the city has the capability to mesmerise people with its beauty, allowing to completely conceal its criminal underbelly. Some good concepts being raised here, but the quote is missing a technique! Day then describes the natural facade of Sydney; the harbour ‘schemes gone awry .. bodies … they all lay on the bottom beneath’. The listing of these metaphorical and physical objects presents the different layers of Sydney and its flaws that the natural facade attempts to conceal. Good. ‘They all lay on the bottom beneath’ whereby the alliteration of ‘b’ conveys the corrupted side of Sydney that is forever concealed, adding another dimension to this city. Good - Try and extrapolate, what is the composer saying
 about corruption in cities as a whole? Lastly, Day exclaims ‘Nothing is ever still in this city, not even the buildings’. The punctuation between ‘city’ and ‘even’ represents the contrast between the Sydney’s paradisal image and its criminal underbelly. This seems a bit of a stretch, I think you could find a better technique/example here. The punctuation also draws the reader’s attention to the buildings, bringing up awareness that the modern facade is just a distraction from Sydney’s corrupted and immoral side. Through the multidimensional city of Sydney, Maral Day challenges initial perceptions of the paradisal image of Sydney. Some really good concepts and analysis in this paragraph - Keep honing in on that critical trifecta, each quote needs a TECHNIQUE, EXPLAIN why the composer uses it to influence the AUDIENCE (TEA) :)

The distinct qualities of a text can shape perceptions of the world and society. In the novel ‘The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender’, Marele Day presents the reader to consider certain ideas such as the role of women in society, corruption and criminality. Solid conclusion! Needs to link to the question more strongly though, really convince the marker you've answered the question proerly!

Some really strong points made in this essay Bea, and some strong analysis shining through! Make sure you are not giving the marker unnecessary plot details or character descriptions - Remember, they have read your text, they want to see you delve into choices the composer has made (quotes/techniques) and why they have been made (in your case, to reveal things about the city and its people). I've commented where the good analysis was and where the retell broke it up.

Also be sure you are answering the question! Sometimes the link to the main idea of your essay felt a little forced/weak, make sure those are solid to keep the marker engaged and on your same train of thought :)

Comments throughout should cover the rest of my specific thoughts, definitely room for improvement but definitely some solid foundations! Good stuff :)

beatroot:

--- Quote from: jamonwindeyer on September 01, 2017, 10:24:14 pm ---Hey Bea! Sure thing, I've attached with feedback in bold! ;D

SpoilerQuestion: How does Marele Day presents ideas of the city and its people? (Something like that)

Certain perceptions of the world and society can be shaped through the distinct qualities of a text. The unique characteristics of a text have the capacity to broaden perspectives on people and the world. These are two very broad statements, I'd like for you to (at some point) hone in on the sorts of perceptions you'll be focusing on (city and its people), in some way. In the Australian novel ‘The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender’ by Marele Day, the author provokes new understandings of certain ideas such as the role of women in society, criminality and corruption, broadening ideas of the city and its people. I like that you have broken down your paragraph topics, but I'm not convinced how these relate to the question! I think you should make your introduction a little bit longer to try and iron that out for your marker, because I'm not clicking with the connection to the question right now!

Some female continually break gender roles throughout their unique characterisations, challenging initial perceptions of women. Wording there is a little bit off - Also, try and emphasise that the COMPOSER represents their female composers to challenge perceptions, the composer is a really important part of Module B. The protagonist of the novel, Claudia Valentine, is a female ‘hard boiled’ detective, who pushes the boundaries of gender stereotypes. Careful, don't retell - Always assume your marker has read your text, they don't need descriptions! The utilisation of Claudia Valentine as a detective, has allowed for Day to comment on certain issues, ‘I don’t carry a gun unlike some of my cowboy colleagues,’ criticising on gun use and on Claudia’s fellow male colleagues’ depended on them. What technique was used here (I spot alliteration)? Remember, it is always how the composer has used . a technique to create meaning, that's the key. The sobriquet of ‘cowboy colleagues’ refers to the rough and rogue nature of her male colleagues, who constantly use their guns to reassure their manliness. Ah, here's the technique, good! It works better in the same sentence for better flow. Try to explain its impact beyond just the characters, the characters aren't important beyond the text, we want broader ideas. However, the gender differences between Claudia and her male detectives allows for her to reassess this idea and see guns as a protective mechanism as a way to normalise murder and glamorise death in society. Is this still about gender roles and female stereotyping? It feels like we've gone a tad off track. Instead, Claudia depends on her physical skills instead ‘with one kick … I kicked out of reach’, illustrating her martial art skills. Technique here? Unlike her male colleagues, Claudia shows that it is possible for less gun use in society. Through the repetition of ‘kick’, Claudia also demonstrates her strengths and pushing the physical extremities of her body, challenging initial perception of the ‘weak female’ in society. Good link of technique to the perception it challenges! Remember to attribute it to the composer though, Claudia doesn't demonstrate anything, the composer demonstrates this THROUGH Claudia as a puppet. Furthermore, Claudia learns to criticise herself after a conflict with Sally Villos ‘cold hard bitch, cold hard monster’, illustrating her multidimensional character beyond her heroic surface. Try not retell things that happen in the text! This demonstrates that women can too be ‘bitches’ and ‘monsters’, adding another layer to her character. The character of Claudia Valentine allows for the reader to renew ideas about the city and its people. Some good ideas here, but again the link between gender roles and the question is a little vague, so this conclusion seems like a stretch.

The criminal mind can be shaped through a number of factors, adding another layer of dimension to their character and provoke empathy for criminals. Interesting topic idea, I like this! Marele Day voices the novel’s antagonist, Harry Lavender, through the dual narrative, allowing for insight into his mind and its psychology. Harry begins his story, ‘I am a refugee’, whereby the sobriquet of the ‘refugee’ alludes to his first hand experience of the war. As soon as you start acknowledging whereabouts in the story your quote lies, chances are you are retelling the story and/or describing your characters. This won't earn you marks! It's all about techniques, quotes and analysis of themes. The impact of the war during his childhood has wiped away his individuality and cause him to depend on this label as a part of his identity. Description of character. His time as a refugee foreshadows his future occupation as a notorious criminal, due to the early experience with the war and the normalisation of violence in his childhood, forming the basis of his damaged esteem. Harry continues to discuss his opinion on murder and refers to as ‘assassination on the rocks’. Still describing a character!  Marele Day cleverly uses word play and refers to the bartending terminology ‘whiskey on the rocks’, a drink used for celebratory occasions. By amalgamating ‘assassination’ and ‘on the rocks’, it is clear that Harry attempts to desensitize murder, emphasising his insanity and distraught personality, that is a result of his time as a refugee. What does this try and show the audience about criminals in general? Lastly, Harry reveals how he feels about murder, ‘Nothing, I feel nothing’. The repetition of ‘nothing’ exemplifying his destroyed conscience and lack of morals that was certainly normalised during his traumatic childhood and has led to his time as a notorious criminal in the future, revealing the effects of war on an individual but as well provides insights into his life, gaining empathy from the reader. Good analysis there - Quote, technique and effect on reader. Good work, The dual narrative of the novel allows for the understanding of Harry’s childhood and the factors that have contributed to his criminality in the present time of the novel. Always try and link to the question in the concluding sentence!

The corruption of a city can be concealed by its paradisal appearance, adding another dimension and layer to the city. The setting of the novel is set in the city of Sydney, a city from for its idyllic appearance and safe for its inhabitants. However, the author challenges the reader’s initial perception of the city and introduce Sydney’s criminal underbelly. Try and be super concise with your wording to make room for more quotes/techniques - Those last two sentences could be squeezed into one I reckon! Day describes ‘the centre pole of Sydney Tower … with fool’s gold’, referencing the Sydney tower, which represents Sydney’s highly desirable modern, glossy facade which has the capacity to hide its corrupted side. However, Day juxtaposes this facade with ‘with fool’s gold’, where the city has the capability to mesmerise people with its beauty, allowing to completely conceal its criminal underbelly. Some good concepts being raised here, but the quote is missing a technique! Day then describes the natural facade of Sydney; the harbour ‘schemes gone awry .. bodies … they all lay on the bottom beneath’. The listing of these metaphorical and physical objects presents the different layers of Sydney and its flaws that the natural facade attempts to conceal. Good. ‘They all lay on the bottom beneath’ whereby the alliteration of ‘b’ conveys the corrupted side of Sydney that is forever concealed, adding another dimension to this city. Good - Try and extrapolate, what is the composer saying
 about corruption in cities as a whole? Lastly, Day exclaims ‘Nothing is ever still in this city, not even the buildings’. The punctuation between ‘city’ and ‘even’ represents the contrast between the Sydney’s paradisal image and its criminal underbelly. This seems a bit of a stretch, I think you could find a better technique/example here. The punctuation also draws the reader’s attention to the buildings, bringing up awareness that the modern facade is just a distraction from Sydney’s corrupted and immoral side. Through the multidimensional city of Sydney, Maral Day challenges initial perceptions of the paradisal image of Sydney. Some really good concepts and analysis in this paragraph - Keep honing in on that critical trifecta, each quote needs a TECHNIQUE, EXPLAIN why the composer uses it to influence the AUDIENCE (TEA) :)

The distinct qualities of a text can shape perceptions of the world and society. In the novel ‘The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender’, Marele Day presents the reader to consider certain ideas such as the role of women in society, corruption and criminality. Solid conclusion! Needs to link to the question more strongly though, really convince the marker you've answered the question proerly!

Some really strong points made in this essay Bea, and some strong analysis shining through! Make sure you are not giving the marker unnecessary plot details or character descriptions - Remember, they have read your text, they want to see you delve into choices the composer has made (quotes/techniques) and why they have been made (in your case, to reveal things about the city and its people). I've commented where the good analysis was and where the retell broke it up.

Also be sure you are answering the question! Sometimes the link to the main idea of your essay felt a little forced/weak, make sure those are solid to keep the marker engaged and on your same train of thought :)

Comments throughout should cover the rest of my specific thoughts, definitely room for improvement but definitely some solid foundations! Good stuff :)

--- End quote ---

Thanks for your feedback and comments Jamon, really appreciate it! Instead of giving plot summaries and character descriptions, what do I put in instead? I can't help but add in the text's storyline because it is a novel after all. What should I do? Thanks again :)

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