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English Standard Essay Marking
jamonwindeyer:
--- Quote from: hannahboardman98 on March 24, 2016, 02:35:20 pm ---Hi I was just wondering if my structure is band 6 material in my introduction below:
War was misinterpreted by society, where the horrific ramifications were absent from their perceived view. Wilfred Owen’s poetry reinvigorates these horrors and displays the paradox of war as it dehumanises those who fight, therefore giving our humanity to death. War is depicted as pitiful, futile and damaging, revealing the true aspects of war rather than the propagandist’s view displaying it as heroic and noble. In Owen’s poems Strange Meeting, The Next War, and Insensibility, his extensive use of visual, aural and colour imagery and figurative language, assist in the portrayal of the truth of war. These poems exhibit powerful connotations of the terrors of war that resulted in the soldiers becoming vulnerable to dehumanisation.
--- End quote ---
Hey Hannah! I've had a read, I have a few comments:
I love that:
- You introduce your texts and list what your paragraphs will be about
- You have a strong conceptual focus, the text does't come in until the idea is set up, awesome!
- Great vocabulary and excellent explanation of ideas.
Some improvements:
- Be sure to talk in the present tense only, don't say "this happened" or "was," all in the present tense
- "dehumanises those who fight, therefore giving our humanity to death": I am not quite sure what is meant by this line, though I think I could guess. Maybe just a wording issue?
- Don't go too much into the protagonists views and such, keep it very abstract, no details on the text until we have started a body paragraph!
This is a great introduction Hannah! Just a few little touch ups I think, it is definitely en-route to a Band 6 style intro!! ;D
aamyylouiisee:
Can you please look at this as soon as possible and tell me what I need to improve on and add!! thank you
elysepopplewell:
--- Quote from: aamyylouiisee on March 25, 2016, 02:18:38 pm ---Can you please look at this as soon as possible and tell me what I need to improve on and add!! thank you
--- End quote ---
Hey there!
Sorry this took so long to get to.
Here is your original essay:
SpoilerIn order to discover people must be able to open their minds to new ideas, beliefs and values. These discoveries may be emotional, physical, spiritual and intellectual and my affect people differently. Each discovery has the potential to alter a person’s perspective of their own beliefs and values of the wider world. This discovery can be more climatic for the individual when they are faced with a challenge. In the SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” Raye and Raquel faced a challenge that was heightened in series 1 when they both faced the danger of becoming boat people. They also faced emotional trauma in the masudi home and then again with the relatives in the Kenyan refugee camp where they were able to evaluate and change their views on asylum seekers. In the short story “tri” it is not only the narrator who alters his perspective but it is also the reader as they both are confronted about the tragic consequences of racial bullying. We discover that both asylum seekers and the refugee “tri” face prejudice and life threating situations on a daily basis. Both texts reveal how people may be forced to challenge their existing views about other races and they form new beliefs where they extend to the winder world.
The SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” is an important documentary because of the message and ideas it conveys about the refugees and “boat people”. This show is about six participants who were deliberately chosen because they had the “views” of the Australian people and were sent on a journey to find out what it was like to live like a refugee and a “boat person”. In the first episode Raquel clearly states her beliefs when she says “You go to Blacktown and it really is Blacktown. Africans everywhere. This clearly isn’t an aussie place anymore”. Through the use of the pun “Blacktown” Raquel reinforces her ignorance and prejudiced view of Africans. This is highlighted in the mid shot of Raquel walking through Blacktown with Africans in the background. Shots flash of Raquel and her house with her dogs. There is also a point of view shot of Raquel as she honestly states her opinion when she says “i guess I am a bit racist”. Raquel made her own self-discovery through the show and changed her views of refugees and the wider world.
The narrator in the short story “tri” (Echin) discovers his racist bullying about what is significant and he discovers his new found knowledge of the effect of his behaviour on tri and his new found knowledge of tri’s identity is “too little too late”. Both the narrator and “tri’ are compelled to change their perspective because of the brutality that they face. Initially, the narrator is a willing participant with Greg and Neil. He aids in cornering “tri” and states “He really was a stupid kid” this insult provides the narrator with a reason to bully and state racist comments. “Tri” finally made a self-discovery when the bullying got really bad and when they peed on him with the word REF on his back.
Here is your essay with my own annotations in bold:
SpoilerIn order to discover people must be able to open their minds to new ideas, beliefs and values. Whenever possible, I make thesis statements low modality. So this means replacing "must" with something more passive.These discoveries may be emotional, physical, spiritual and intellectual and may affect people differently. Each discovery has the potential to alter a person’s perspective of their own beliefs and values of the wider world.It is great that you've got three consecutive sentences fleshing out discovery. This discovery can be more climatic for the individual when they are faced with a challenge. In the SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” Raye and Raquel faced a challenge that was heightened in series 1 when they both faced the danger of becoming boat people. They also faced emotional trauma in the masudi home and then again with the relatives in the Kenyan refugee camp where they were able to evaluate and change their views on asylum seekers. In the short story “tri” it is not only the narrator who alters his perspective but it is also the reader as they both are confronted about the tragic consequences of racial bullying. We discover that both asylum seekers and the refugee “tri” face prejudice and life threating situations on a daily basis. This italicised bit could very well belong in a body paragraph. You need to make sure that introducing your texts in the intro is short, sweet and sharp. You leave the fleshing out until the body paragraphs. Both texts reveal how people may be forced to challenge their existing views about other races and they form new beliefs where they extend to the winder world.
You've done a really great job in opening the introduction with plenty of discovery ideas. You should also open each paragraph with this same thing so that the reader knows exactly how the paragraph is going to be structured. The SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” is an important documentary because of the message and ideas it conveys about the refugees and “boat people”. This show is about six participants who were deliberately chosen because they had the “views” of the Australian people and were sent on a journey to find out what it was like to live like a refugee and a “boat person”. In the first episode Raquel clearly states her beliefs through dialogue (use techniques where possible)when she says “You go to Blacktown and it really is Blacktown. Africans everywhere. This clearly isn’t an aussie place anymore”. Through the use of the pun “Blacktown” Raquel reinforces her ignorance and prejudiced view of Africans. This is highlighted in the mid shot of Raquel walking through Blacktown with Africans in the background. Shots flash of Raquel and her house with her dogs. There is also a point of view shot of Raquel as she honestly states her opinion when she says “i guess I am a bit racist”. Raquel made her own self-discovery through the show and changed her views of refugees and the wider world. This is a good analysis between the two major scenes. To enhance the response, you need to give more details and analysis to what happens in between. Because it's more than just Raquel being ignorant and realising that, she actually makes a huge discovery. You also mentioned Raye in the opening but she hasn't been mentioned here. Anything you mention in the intro should be further fleshed out throughout.
The narrator in the short story “tri” (Echin) discovers his racist bullying about what is significant and he discovers his new found knowledge of the effect of his behaviour on tri and his new found knowledge of tri’s identity is “too little too late”. Both the narrator and “tri’ are compelled to change their perspective because of the brutality that they face. Initially, the narrator is a willing participant with Greg and Neil. He aids in cornering “tri” and states “He really was a stupid kid” this insult provides the narrator with a reason to bully and state racist comments. “Tri” finally made a self-discovery when the bullying got really bad and when they peed on him with the word REF on his back.
The next step is writing a conclusion. So start with a sentence about discovery. Then talk about your texts in relation to discovery. Then bring it back to your overall understanding of discovery once again! Your conclusion should be 3-4 sentences to make sure that you are really raking in everything you have talked about above.
Good luck! :)
Emilyom:
Hello, Can you please check to see that my argument makes sense in my Essay
This is a Module A question
Thank you so much!
Question: Through distinctively visual, composers can influence other with their own perspectives on life. How are these perspectives conveyed in your prescribed text and one other related text of your own choosing?
Composers, authors and directors present different perspectives of their own life that can influence their audience by the use of language and visual techniques that create distinctively visual images. The poems by Douglas Stewart and short film ‘Growth’ directed by Mishka Kornai's are able to convey to their audience their perspective on life experiences. Douglas Stewart’s poetry, specifically ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’, ‘The Snow-Gum’ and ‘Waterlily” explore Stewart’s perspective on the Australian environment and nature surrounding him which is presented to his audience through the use of poetic techniques such as metaphors, anthropomorphism and personification. The short film ‘Growth’ directed by Kornai conveys his perspective of the complex process of growth through the use of shot angle, metaphor and voice over.
Different experiences portrayed by the author can influence the audience in different ways, as seen in Stewart’s poem ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’ and ‘The Snow Gum’. ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’ focuses on the theme of mutual respect between the lady and the cats, this allows the responder to perceive this situation in a positive light, where as they would have usually ignored. Anthropomorphism is used throughout the poem ‘ never would harm a feather’ to give the stray cats human qualities, this helps the audience relate to the experience of the cats and be influenced by their relationship with the lady. The effective use of metaphor ‘fountains inside her head’ recreates for the responder a distinctively visual image of the lady’s positive thoughts and perspective on the stray cats. Stewart also brings out the positivity, ‘beauty’ and ‘perfection’ of an ordinary moment in the poem ‘Snow Gum’ where Stewart explains his perspective on the tree and its ability to survive in such a harsh environment. Stewart discusses the beauty of nature and the complexity in a simple form of a snow gum tree, this perspective of a single tree can be usually overlooked by a general audience but Stewart uses his poetry to influence his audience to view the tree in a more deeper sense. Stewart conveys this perspective through the use of personification “Performing its slow miracle’ giving the tree human qualities and presenting a distinctively visual image of the tree’s strength and its ability to survive in the harsh snow environment. The use of hyperbole and simile shows an ordinary moment to be perceived in more complexity through the use of distinctively visual , ‘silver light like ecstasy’ creates a vivid image for the responder. Both poems show Stewarts unique perspective on simple moments and experience, therefore influencing the audience to think from a different perspective
Similarly the short film ‘Growth’ be Mishka Kornai highlights the complexity of the process of growth, which is usually overlooked . Kornai influences the viewer and makes them think about the process of growth in a deeper sense. The use of the ariel camera view throughout the whole short film gives the audience an objective view, this new perspective helps eliminate opportunities for preconceptions and judgments, influencing the audiences perspective. The use of similes throughout the voice over creates a distinctively visual image of the process of growth “Growing older is like a line because it never stops.” ‘Growth’ is a 15-minute documentary about human growth and development, Kornai uses testimonies from 75 individuals from all different ages and from all different situations, this shows contrast in how different individuals experience the process of growth. Through shot angle, similes and the contrast of perspectives Kornai is able to portray a distinctively visual summary of the process of growth and influences his audience to gain a different perspective.
Stewart highlights the importance of a simple object in the poem ‘Waterlily’ similar to ‘Growth’ the short film which shows the importance of a simple process, both texts achieve this by describing individuals perspectives. In the poem ‘Waterlily’ the responder is witness to one specific moment an accidental encounter that Stewart recounts through the use of poetic and distinctively visual techniques. Metaphors are used throughout the poem to describe the waterlily, ‘ it is an angel’ the waterlily is described as a heavenly figure which creates a positive image for the responder. As well as comparing the waterlily to an angle throughout the poem, the waterlily is described as a magical feminine figure through words such as ‘wings’ and the pronoun use of ‘her’. The feminine and heavenly image created by language techniques influences the audience to alter their perspective on a regular waterlily, and see the true beauty that is revealed in this one moment and captured by Steward. The poem begins with two imperatives ‘Look, look’ this brings complete attention the the waterlily and Stewart seems to be talking to the audience to bring attention to the importance of the waterlily. Throughout the poem Stewart draws his audience in with the use of imperatives and pronouns such us ‘we’, this allows the responder to be immersed in the specific moment and be influenced by the perspective of Stewart. Stewart expresses his perspective on the beauty of the waterlily caught in one moment, whilst drawing the audience and influencing their views on the flower.
Stewart and Kornai both cleverly create distinctively visual in their texts to help convey their perspectives and influence their audience. Stewart uses poetic techniques to describe a specific moment that would usually be overlooked or ignored by the audience. Stewart influences his audience to perceive these moments in a deeper sense. While Kornai uses visual techniques such as over-head camera view and utilises the contrast of different perspectives on the important process of growth. Kornai forces his audience to view this process from a new perspective through the use of ariel shot angle throughout the whole text.
elysepopplewell:
--- Quote from: Emilyom on March 29, 2016, 08:09:30 pm ---Hello, Can you please check to see that my argument makes sense in my Essay
This is a Module A question
Thank you so much!
--- End quote ---
Hey there!
Absolutely I can!
Here is your original essay:
SpoilerQuestion: Through distinctively visual, composers can influence other with their own perspectives on life. How are these perspectives conveyed in your prescribed text and one other related text of your own choosing?
Composers, authors and directors present different perspectives of their own life that can influence their audience by the use of language and visual techniques that create distinctively visual images. The poems by Douglas Stewart and short film ‘Growth’ directed by Mishka Kornai's are able to convey to their audience their perspective on life experiences. Douglas Stewart’s poetry, specifically ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’, ‘The Snow-Gum’ and ‘Waterlily” explore Stewart’s perspective on the Australian environment and nature surrounding him which is presented to his audience through the use of poetic techniques such as metaphors, anthropomorphism and personification. The short film ‘Growth’ directed by Kornai conveys his perspective of the complex process of growth through the use of shot angle, metaphor and voice over.
Different experiences portrayed by the author can influence the audience in different ways, as seen in Stewart’s poem ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’ and ‘The Snow Gum’. ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’ focuses on the theme of mutual respect between the lady and the cats, this allows the responder to perceive this situation in a positive light, where as they would have usually ignored. Anthropomorphism is used throughout the poem ‘ never would harm a feather’ to give the stray cats human qualities, this helps the audience relate to the experience of the cats and be influenced by their relationship with the lady. The effective use of metaphor ‘fountains inside her head’ recreates for the responder a distinctively visual image of the lady’s positive thoughts and perspective on the stray cats. Stewart also brings out the positivity, ‘beauty’ and ‘perfection’ of an ordinary moment in the poem ‘Snow Gum’ where Stewart explains his perspective on the tree and its ability to survive in such a harsh environment. Stewart discusses the beauty of nature and the complexity in a simple form of a snow gum tree, this perspective of a single tree can be usually overlooked by a general audience but Stewart uses his poetry to influence his audience to view the tree in a more deeper sense. Stewart conveys this perspective through the use of personification “Performing its slow miracle’ giving the tree human qualities and presenting a distinctively visual image of the tree’s strength and its ability to survive in the harsh snow environment. The use of hyperbole and simile shows an ordinary moment to be perceived in more complexity through the use of distinctively visual , ‘silver light like ecstasy’ creates a vivid image for the responder. Both poems show Stewarts unique perspective on simple moments and experience, therefore influencing the audience to think from a different perspective
Similarly the short film ‘Growth’ be Mishka Kornai highlights the complexity of the process of growth, which is usually overlooked . Kornai influences the viewer and makes them think about the process of growth in a deeper sense. The use of the ariel camera view throughout the whole short film gives the audience an objective view, this new perspective helps eliminate opportunities for preconceptions and judgments, influencing the audiences perspective. The use of similes throughout the voice over creates a distinctively visual image of the process of growth “Growing older is like a line because it never stops.” ‘Growth’ is a 15-minute documentary about human growth and development, Kornai uses testimonies from 75 individuals from all different ages and from all different situations, this shows contrast in how different individuals experience the process of growth. Through shot angle, similes and the contrast of perspectives Kornai is able to portray a distinctively visual summary of the process of growth and influences his audience to gain a different perspective.
Stewart highlights the importance of a simple object in the poem ‘Waterlily’ similar to ‘Growth’ the short film which shows the importance of a simple process, both texts achieve this by describing individuals perspectives. In the poem ‘Waterlily’ the responder is witness to one specific moment an accidental encounter that Stewart recounts through the use of poetic and distinctively visual techniques. Metaphors are used throughout the poem to describe the waterlily, ‘ it is an angel’ the waterlily is described as a heavenly figure which creates a positive image for the responder. As well as comparing the waterlily to an angle throughout the poem, the waterlily is described as a magical feminine figure through words such as ‘wings’ and the pronoun use of ‘her’. The feminine and heavenly image created by language techniques influences the audience to alter their perspective on a regular waterlily, and see the true beauty that is revealed in this one moment and captured by Steward. The poem begins with two imperatives ‘Look, look’ this brings complete attention the the waterlily and Stewart seems to be talking to the audience to bring attention to the importance of the waterlily. Throughout the poem Stewart draws his audience in with the use of imperatives and pronouns such us ‘we’, this allows the responder to be immersed in the specific moment and be influenced by the perspective of Stewart. Stewart expresses his perspective on the beauty of the waterlily caught in one moment, whilst drawing the audience and influencing their views on the flower.
Stewart and Kornai both cleverly create distinctively visual in their texts to help convey their perspectives and influence their audience. Stewart uses poetic techniques to describe a specific moment that would usually be overlooked or ignored by the audience. Stewart influences his audience to perceive these moments in a deeper sense. While Kornai uses visual techniques such as over-head camera view and utilises the contrast of different perspectives on the important process of growth. Kornai forces his audience to view this process from a new perspective through the use of ariel shot angle throughout the whole text.
Here is your essay with my annotations made in bold:
SpoilerQuestion: Through distinctively visual, composers can influence other with their own perspectives on life. How are these perspectives conveyed in your prescribed text and one other related text of your own choosing?
Composers, authors and directors present different perspectives of their own life that can influence their audience by the use of language and visual techniques that create distinctively visual images. The poems by Douglas Stewart Douglas Stewart's poemsand short film ‘Growth’ directed by Mishka Kornai's (Just Mishka Kornai. No apostrophe or s.) are able to convey to their audience their perspective on life experiences. Douglas Stewart’s poetry, specifically ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’, ‘The Snow-Gum’ and ‘Waterlily” explore Stewart’s perspective on the Australian environment and nature surrounding him which is presented to his audience through the use of poetic techniques such as metaphors, anthropomorphism and personification. The short film ‘Growth’ directed by Kornai conveys his perspective of the complex process of growth through the use of shot angle, metaphor and voice over amongst other techniques?
Different experiences portrayed by the author can influence the audience in different ways, as seen in Stewart’s poem ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’ and ‘The Snow Gum’. ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’ focuses on the theme of mutual respect between the lady and the cats, this allows the responder to perceive this situation in a positive light, where as they would have usually ignored. I would invert the syntax of this sentence so that you aren't naming three poem titles in a row. So put the poem's title at the end of the sentence.Anthropomorphism is used throughout the poem ‘ never would harm a feather’ to give the stray cats human qualities, this helps the audience relate to the experience of the cats and be influenced by their relationship with the lady. The effective use of metaphor ‘fountains inside her head’ recreates for the responder a distinctively visual image of the lady’s positive thoughts and perspective on the stray cats. Stewart also brings out the positivity, ‘beauty’ and ‘perfection’ of an ordinary moment in the poem ‘Snow Gum’ where Stewart explains his perspective on the tree and its ability to survive in such a harsh environment. Stewart discusses the beauty of nature and the complexity in a simple form of a snow gum tree, this perspective of a single tree can be usually overlooked by a general audience but Stewart uses his poetry to influence his audience to view the tree in a more deeper sense. Stewart conveys this perspective through the use of personification “Performing its slow miracle’ giving the tree human qualities and presenting a distinctively visual image of the tree’s strength and its ability to survive in the harsh snow environment. The use of hyperbole and simile shows an ordinary moment to be perceived in more complexity through the use of distinctively visual , ‘silver light like ecstasy’ creates a vivid image for the responder. Both poems show Stewarts unique perspective on simple moments and experience, therefore influencing the audience to think from a different perspective. This makes perfect sense as an argument :)
Similarly the short film ‘Growth’ be by Mishka Kornai highlights the complexity of the process of growth, which is usually overlooked . Kornai influences the viewer and makes them think about the process of growth in a deeper sense. The use of the ariel camera view throughout the whole short film gives the audience an objective view, this new perspective helps eliminate opportunities for preconceptions and judgments, influencing the audiences perspective. The use of similes throughout the voice over creates a distinctively visual image of the process of growth “Growing older is like a line because it never stops.” ‘Growth’ is a 15-minute documentary about human growth and development, Kornai uses testimonies from 75 individuals from all different ages and from all different situations, this shows contrast in how different individuals experience the process of growth. Through shot angle, similes and the contrast of perspectives Kornai is able to portray a distinctively visual summary of the process of growth and influences his audience to gain a different perspective.
Stewart highlights the importance of a simple object in the poem ‘Waterlily’ similar to ‘Growth’ the short film which shows the importance of a simple process, both texts achieve this by describing individuals perspectives. Awesome link between texts!In the poem ‘Waterlily’ the responder is witness to one specific moment an accidental encounter that Stewart recounts through the use of poetic and distinctively visual techniques. Metaphors are used throughout the poem to describe the waterlily, ‘ it is an angel’ the waterlily (Don't say waterlily for the second time in the sentence. Instead, change the syntax around to avoid sounding repetitive :) is described as a heavenly figure which creates a positive image for the responder. As well as comparing the waterlily to an angle throughout the poem, the waterlily is described as a magical feminine figure through words such as ‘wings’ and the pronoun use of ‘her’. Again, the waterlily twice thing ;)The feminine and heavenly image created by language techniques influences the audience to alter their perspective on a regular waterlily, and see the true beauty that is revealed in this one moment and captured by Steward. The poem begins with two imperatives ‘Look, look’ this brings complete attention the the waterlily and Stewart seems to be talking to the audience to bring attention to the importance of the waterlily. Throughout the poem Stewart draws his audience in with the use of imperatives and pronouns such us ‘we’, this allows the responder to be immersed in the specific moment and be influenced by the perspective of Stewart. Stewart expresses his perspective on the beauty of the waterlily caught in one moment, whilst drawing the audience and influencing their views on the flower.
Stewart and Kornai both cleverly create distinctively visuals? in their texts to help convey their perspectives and influence their audience. Stewart uses poetic techniques to describe a specific moment that would usually be overlooked or ignored by the audience. Stewart influences his audience to perceive these moments in a deeper sense. While Kornai uses visual techniques such as over-head camera view and utilises the contrast of different perspectives on the important process of growth. Kornai forces his audience to view this process from a new perspective through the use of ariel shot angle throughout the whole text.
I think that in your introduction and conclusion, you want to be careful not to specify the techniques that you will discuss later on. This limits your discussion when in fact you could be looking at the whole text in the intro and conclusion rather than specifics.
Your argument 100% makes sense - you should be really proud! It is just a few examples of the way things are written that need tidying. I've pointed out some of these, and they are recurring trends. Be careful that each sentence flows from one to another. Be sure that you aren't repeating the same words or phrases in close succession of one another. It's these kinds of things that are totally easy to fix and elevate your response :)
You should be really proud!
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