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English Standard Essay Marking
elysepopplewell:
--- Quote from: lemonwafers on March 29, 2016, 11:50:58 pm ---Hello, this is my essay for my prelims area of study on journey. I tried my best to make the essay look like it's not rushed lol but I don't know if it's good.. Please go easy on the essay marking because I have to memorise it by this Thursday! I am going to start memorising tomorrow morning so would it be okay if you can give me the feedback ASAP? If possible, between 8am-12pm?
I just want to check if everything answers the question and if i have used good examples. Also, can you please provide some simple advice/tips to improve the essay overall?
Thank you!
--- End quote ---
Hey there! lucky I jumped on ATAR Notes this morning :)
Here is your original essay:
SpoilerIn what ways has your area of study helped you to understand the transformative power of the journey?
Journeys do not only take a person from one place to another but holds the power to transform and enhance them as an individual. The 2002 Australian film ‘Rabbit Proof Fence’ directed by Phillip Noyce explores the theme of transformation. Molly, a young half-caste girl is manipulated into white society by the European colony and grows to understand their authority over the Indigenous people and their power etched upon herself through the forced separation from her mother and her land. Transformation is also conveyed in C.P. Cavafy’s 1911 Greek poem ‘Ithaka’ within the traveller who sets out on a voyage and discovers many aspects throughout the journey in which helps him grow into a knowledgeable, experienced and wise person. The two texts demonstrate the power of journeys and the role they play in the enhancement upon an individual’s being.
In the film ’Rabbit Proof Fence’, Molly’s transformation is shown through her journey to the Moore River Settlement with her younger sister Daisy and her cousin Gracie. They are portrayed as powerless and vulnerable to the white government. This idea is shown through the use of a mid-shot, where the policeman’s car, a symbolism of power and capture, can be seen crashing over a broken tree branch, foreshadowing the destruction towards the family he will soon cause. Molly’s mother becomes aware of the situation and warns the three girls to run. The screaming and the fast rhythmic drumbeats create a traumatic atmosphere as Molly’s belonging to her family is being threatened. High angle is used on the policeman when he tries to grab the girls, emphasizing his sense of authority and power against them. Noyce uses a close-up shot on the women’s hands beating against the car window, conveying their weakness and signifying their new separation from each other. Furthermore, a wide shot is used to portray the women in despair lying static on the dry ground, highlighting the desolation caused by the government. The wailing, the howling of the wind and the sound of rock against Molly’s grandmother’s head creates an atmosphere of utter powerlessness and suffering. The audience realizes at this point that Molly is powerless and she has been forced into white society by the control of Mr. Neville and his government.
The audience witnesses Molly’s second transformation in which she becomes a powerful leader. She persists on taking a strong mindset regardless of the consequences of being recaptured by the tracker through the help of being internally connected with her mother. Molly’s dialogue “We’re going home, to mother” and “Tracker’s not gonna get us!” is delivered in a demanding tone, signifying her leadership position and determination of wanting to go back home. Furthermore, symbolism is used in “mother” in whom Molly gains power and a sense of belonging from that initiates her journey. She also refers to “mother” as the main reason she is going back home. After the three girls make their escape, mid shot is used to capture Molly having her arms around Daisy and Gracie while she looks up to the sky and smiles. This highlights that she feels more powerful and happy in the wild in contrast of being trapped in the Moore River Settlement. In addition, a close up shot of Molly saying “Home” as she lifts up Daisy into her arms and walks with her head held high emphasizes that she has regained power and strength from just the thought of reuniting with her mother. The audience is now aware that Molly has become powerful due to the internal connection she shared with her mother and taking on the role as a leader to avoid consequences of being recaptured.
The audience also recognizes Molly’s transformed maturity throughout the film. This idea is supported by Molly’s mother-like behaviors. A close up shot of Molly’s reflective face and the mournful music in the background coalesce to convey a sense of dislocation without Gracie. Molly’s dialogue “C’mon Dais, we gotta go back for Gracie” mirrors a mother-like figure trying to protect her child. When Gracie gets taken away, a close up shot of Molly is used to capture her devastated face. She hunches onto the ground and wails, similar to when the mothers grieved for their children. This shows that Gracie was like a child to Molly, outlining her mother-like figure once again. A medium shot is used when the two girls are eating. Molly has her arm hugged around Daisy’s waist while she sits on her lap. This portrayal is similar to a mother and daughter relationship, conveying the idea that Molly is like a mother to Daisy. Furthermore, when the girls are reunited with their family, a close up is used to capture Molly’s teary eyes as she says “I lost one”. This indicates that Molly’s first instinct was to say that she has failed to protect Gracie, depicting her maturity and leadership quality. The audience at this point is clearly aware of Molly’s transformed maturity through the maternal behaviors shown towards Daisy and Gracie.
The traveller in the Greek poem ‘Ithaka’ contrasts to Molly from the Rabbit Proof Fence. Molly realizes that she is powerless at the beginning of her journey as she goes through real discrimination and obstacles, whereas the complications in the traveller’s journey are only imaginary. In the first stanza, the traveller embarks on an allegorical journey to reach his destination. The narrator advises that he will not encounter real obstacles and the only limitations he will face are his own imaginary fears. The allusion used in ‘Laistrygonians and Cyclops, angry Poseidon – don’t be afraid of them’ alludes to the mythological creatures from the Odyssey. The narrator encourages the traveller and the audience to not be fearful of these obstacles as they are not real for them. Furthermore, the anaphora ‘unless you bring them along inside your soul, unless your soul sets them up in front of you’ conveys the idea that as long as the traveller does not believe in his own fears and limitations, he will not encounter his obstacles. Therefore, we can see that the traveller’s journey to Ithaka allows him to be empowered as his only fears are the ones he places upon himself.
The traveller in the poem contrasts to Molly again. Even though Molly’s journey helped her realize her strength and skills, reuniting with her mother was the main purpose of the journey. However, the narrator advises the traveller that the process of the journey is more important than the destination. In the third stanza, the narrator uses negative imperative ‘do not hurry the journey at all’ so that the traveller does not try to hurry his voyage but instead allows the long journey to transform him as a person. The use of adjectives ‘old’, ‘wealthy’ and ‘rich’ in the third stanza reinforces the idea that the traveller will be knowledgeable, experienced and wise by the time he reaches his destination. Therefore as the reader, we can see that the traveller is able to enjoy and acquire many things from the voyage in which enhances him as an individual.
The two texts ‘Rabbit Proof Fence’ and ‘Ithaka’ determine the power of journeys and how they affect an individual’s transformation. The ‘Rabbit Proof Fence’ leads their character on a life-changing journey through agony and anguish to a greater maturity. In contrast, the traveller in the poem ‘Ithaka’ is faced with imaginary obstacles and is able to enjoy the long voyage. As a result, both texts are divergent and depict different aspects that affirm the transformative potential of journeys.
Here is your essay with my own annotations in bold:
SpoilerIn what ways has your area of study helped you to understand the transformative power of the journey?
Journeys do not only take a person from one place to another but holds the power to transform and enhance them as an individual. The 2002 Australian film ‘Rabbit Proof Fence’ directed by Phillip Noyce explores the theme of transformation. Molly, a young half-caste girl is manipulated into white society by the European colony and grows to understand their authority over the Indigenous people and their power etched upon herself through the forced separation from her mother and her land. Transformation is also conveyed in C.P. Cavafy’s 1911 Greek poem ‘Ithaka’ within the traveller who sets out on a voyage and discovers many aspects throughout the journey in which helps him grow into a knowledgeable, experienced and wise person. The two texts demonstrate the power of journeys and the role they play in the enhancement upon an individual’s being. The question asks for your own opinion - I'm not sure if your teacher wants you to use the first person persona when you talk? I would suggest that they don't because if it is like the HSC AOS, they will ask that you stay well away from the first person. But, good to check :)
In the film ’Rabbit Proof Fence’, Molly’s transformation is shown through her journey to the Moore River Settlement with her younger sister Daisy and her cousin Gracie. They are portrayed as powerless and vulnerable to the white government. This idea is shown through the use of a mid-shot, where the policeman’s car, a symbolism of power and capture, can be seen crashing over a broken tree branch, foreshadowing the destruction towards the family he will soon cause. Molly’s mother becomes aware of the situation and warns the three girls to run. The screaming and the fast rhythmic drumbeats create a traumatic atmosphere as Molly’s belonging to her family is being threatened. High angle is used on the policeman when he tries to grab the girls, emphasizing his sense of authority and power against them. Noyce uses a close-up shot on the women’s hands beating against the car window, conveying their weakness and signifying their new separation from each other. Furthermore, a wide shot is used to portray the women in despair lying static on the dry ground, highlighting the desolation caused by the government. The wailing, the howling of the wind and the sound of rock against Molly’s grandmother’s head creates an atmosphere of utter powerlessness and suffering. The audience realizes at this point that Molly is powerless and she has been forced into white society by the control of Mr. Neville and his government. This is an excellent paragraph in terms of textual analysis. I would finish the paragraph with an explicit journey reference just to seal the deal!
The audience witnesses Molly’s second transformation in which she becomes a powerful leader. Again, I'd make sure that each paragraph starts with an explicit journey reference as well as ends with one.She persists on taking a strong mindset regardless of the consequences of being recaptured by the tracker through the help of being internally connected with her mother. Molly’s dialogue “We’re going home, to mother” and “Tracker’s not gonna get us!” is delivered in a demanding tone, signifying her leadership position and determination of wanting to go back home. Furthermore, symbolism is used in “mother” in whom Molly gains power and a sense of belonging from that initiates her journey. She also refers to “mother” as the main reason she is going back home. After the three girls make their escape, mid shot is used to capture Molly having her arms around Daisy and Gracie while she looks up to the sky and smiles. This highlights that she feels more powerful and happy in the wild in contrast of being trapped in the Moore River Settlement. In addition, a close up shot of Molly saying “Home” as she lifts up Daisy into her arms and walks with her head held high emphasizes that she has regained power and strength from just the thought of reuniting with her mother. The audience is now aware that Molly has become powerful due to the internal connection she shared with her mother and taking on the role as a leader to avoid consequences of being recaptured.
The audience also recognizes Molly’s transformed maturity throughout the film. This idea is supported by Molly’s mother-like behaviors. A close up shot of Molly’s reflective face and the mournful music in the background coalesce to convey a sense of dislocation without Gracie. Molly’s dialogue “C’mon Dais, we gotta go back for Gracie” mirrors a mother-like figure trying to protect her child. When Gracie gets taken away, a close up shot of Molly is used to capture her devastated face. She hunches onto the ground and wails, similar to when the mothers grieved for their children. This shows that Gracie was like a child to Molly, outlining her mother-like figure once again. A medium shot is used when the two girls are eating. Molly has her arm hugged around Daisy’s waist while she sits on her lap. This portrayal is similar to a mother and daughter relationship, conveying the idea that Molly is like a mother to Daisy. Furthermore, when the girls are reunited with their family, a close up is used to capture Molly’s teary eyes as she says “I lost one”. This indicates that Molly’s first instinct was to say that she has failed to protect Gracie, depicting her maturity and leadership quality. The audience at this point is clearly aware of Molly’s transformed maturity through the maternal behaviors shown towards Daisy and Gracie. Bring it back to journey :)
The traveller in the Greek poem ‘Ithaka’ contrasts to Molly from the Rabbit Proof Fence. Molly realizes that she is powerless at the beginning of her journey as she goes through real discrimination and obstacles, whereas the complications in the traveller’s journey are only imaginary.Awesome journey sentence! In the first stanza, the traveller embarks on an allegorical journey to reach his destination. The narrator advises that he will not encounter real obstacles and the only limitations he will face are his own imaginary fears. The allusion used in ‘Laistrygonians and Cyclops, angry Poseidon – don’t be afraid of them’ alludes to the mythological creatures from the Odyssey. The narrator encourages the traveller and the audience to not be fearful of these obstacles as they are not real for them. Furthermore, the anaphora ‘unless you bring them along inside your soul, unless your soul sets them up in front of you’ conveys the idea that as long as the traveller does not believe in his own fears and limitations, he will not encounter his obstacles. Therefore, we can see that the traveller’s journey to Ithaka allows him to be empowered as his only fears are the ones he places upon himself.
The traveller in the poem contrasts to Molly again. Even though Molly’s journey helped her realize her strength and skills, reuniting with her mother was the main purpose of the journey. However, the narrator advises the traveller that the process of the journey is more important than the destination. In the third stanza, the narrator uses negative imperative ‘do not hurry the journey at all’ so that the traveller does not try to hurry his voyage but instead allows the long journey to transform him as a person. The use of adjectives ‘old’, ‘wealthy’ and ‘rich’ in the third stanza reinforces the idea that the traveller will be knowledgeable, experienced and wise by the time he reaches his destination. Therefore as the reader, we can see that the traveller is able to enjoy and acquire many things from the voyage in which enhances him as an individual.
I would start this conclusive paragraph with a sentence about YOUR understanding of journey (even if not in the first person) instead of jumping into the texts. The two texts ‘Rabbit Proof Fence’ and ‘Ithaka’ determine the power of journeys and how they affect an individual’s transformation. The ‘Rabbit Proof Fence’ leads their character on a life-changing journey through agony and anguish to a greater maturity. In contrast, the traveller in the poem ‘Ithaka’ is faced with imaginary obstacles and is able to enjoy the long voyage. As a result, both texts are divergent and depict different aspects that affirm the transformative potential of journeys.
Awesome response. Your textual analysis is awesome! The next step for you is making sure that you are nailing journey. Each paragraph should start and end with explicit journey references to make sure that you are showing the marker that you know EXACTLY what you are talking about in the area of study! You'll do so well :) Good luck!
Jess Semken:
Hello there,
Thank you very much in advance, this is an essay for section 3 Discovery that I wrote in exam conditions in 40 minutes. Could you please 'go crazy' with marking and are you able to check that my thesis and topic sentences make sense throughout, that my use of language is correct, that I have written to the verb "Discuss" and that the points I have made are suitable for the question. Also i have trouble with conclusions so could I please have some tips for that. :)
Thanks again,
Jessica
Section 3 15 mark 2015 practice examination question :
"Discoveries are often evoked by curiosity and wonder, offering up new understandings of ourselves and the world we live in"
Discuss this statement in relation to your prescribed and additional texts.
Acknowledging ones humanly wonder can often evoke personal discoveries and understandings to be enriched for the individual. Ang Lee's film Life of Pi and the late 1800s poem Invictus, written by William Ernest Henley, explore the challenges that individuals undergo when accepting the wonder created by facing challenges that result in discoveries. By the author and director's use of techniques distinctive themes and forms are created from which the concept of discovery is explored.
Personal curiosity often tests individuals whilst undergoing a process of discovery. Pi is faced with extreme challenge when isolated due to the sinking of a cargo ship transporting all elements of life he previously knew. The deliberate naming of this ship the Jewish religious term of 'Tsium Tsum' and the emphasis of this by use of a long shot of the bow of the ship during the treacherous storm portray to the audience the space that is created for enriching discoveries,enabled by curiosity, to occur for the protagonist. Anthropomorphism is used to highlight Pi's curiosity into the savage side of his personality. The discoveries that Pi undergoes of the contrasting aspects of his personality whilst fighting to survive are triggered by his wonder of self whilst faced with challenge.
Similarly, when faced with adversity one's sense of wonder is enriched allowing reflection of discoveries to occur. Ernest Henley's poem Invictus symbolises the challenges that he faced whilst undergoing personal discoveries triggered by experiences of Tuberculosis. The line "my head is bloody but unbowed" creates a tone of the passion and strength that triggered the author's experiences of personal discovery to occur whilst challenged with disease. His reflection of his containment highlights the curiosity of his experience which allowed new understandings of himself to develop.
Religious discoveries are used by humans to assist in forming answers to the great wonders of life. Pi's investigation of numerous religious traditions in the beginning of the film shows the audience that Pi is longing for a discovery of answers. The use of Christian hymn-like music and use of glowing lights, symbolising religious experience, when the Tsium Tsium is sinking emphasise the enriching discovers that are undergone due to the ship sinking. From this experience Pi's curiosity triggers answers to be formed by his reflection of religious discoveries prior and during his isolation. Ang Lee's use of these techniques create a deeper sense of discovery to be portrayed to the audience, provoking curiosity in the viewers into their personal questions that they seek answers to by adherence to religion.
Discoveries evoked by curiosity are often more enriching for the individual in contrast to if the uncovering was pressured. The theme of reflection is created in the poem Invictus by the authors use of language of the 1st person. This portrays to the reader the depth of discovery enabled by the reflective wonder of the author when writing his poem decades after his experiences with disease. The line "in the fell clutch of circumstance" uses personification to express the extent of traumatic experiences effect on Ernest Henley. The authors personal choice to reflect on the challenges he faced by writing Invictus, evoked by his curiosity, highlight the depth of personal discovery that was enabled by surviving the challenge of disease.
By discussion of experiences of discovery, triggered by wonder, undergone by protagonist characters in the texts Invictus and Life of Pi, the statement that curiosity evokes enriching understandings to occur can be proven when the individual is faced with a challenge which enables answers to be formed.An analysis of techniques and features created by the author and director provide points from which the viewers responses to the texts are formed that thoroughly explore the concept of discovery.
elysepopplewell:
--- Quote from: Jess Semken on April 19, 2016, 06:08:53 pm ---Hello there,
Thank you very much in advance, this is an essay for section 3 Discovery that I wrote in exam conditions in 40 minutes. Could you please 'go crazy' with marking and are you able to check that my thesis and topic sentences make sense throughout, that my use of language is correct, that I have written to the verb "Discuss" and that the points I have made are suitable for the question. Also i have trouble with conclusions so could I please have some tips for that. :)
Thanks again,
Jessica
Section 3 15 mark 2015 practice examination question :
"Discoveries are often evoked by curiosity and wonder, offering up new understandings of ourselves and the world we live in"
Discuss this statement in relation to your prescribed and additional texts.
--- End quote ---
Hey there! Sure thing Jessica!
Here is your original essay in the spoiler:
Spoiler"Discoveries are often evoked by curiosity and wonder, offering up new understandings of ourselves and the world we live in"
Discuss this statement in relation to your prescribed and additional texts.
Acknowledging ones humanly wonder can often evoke personal discoveries and understandings to be enriched for the individual. Ang Lee's film Life of Pi and the late 1800s poem Invictus, written by William Ernest Henley, explore the challenges that individuals undergo when accepting the wonder created by facing challenges that result in discoveries. By the author and director's use of techniques distinctive themes and forms are created from which the concept of discovery is explored.
Personal curiosity often tests individuals whilst undergoing a process of discovery. Pi is faced with extreme challenge when isolated due to the sinking of a cargo ship transporting all elements of life he previously knew. The deliberate naming of this ship the Jewish religious term of 'Tsium Tsum' and the emphasis of this by use of a long shot of the bow of the ship during the treacherous storm portray to the audience the space that is created for enriching discoveries,enabled by curiosity, to occur for the protagonist. Anthropomorphism is used to highlight Pi's curiosity into the savage side of his personality. The discoveries that Pi undergoes of the contrasting aspects of his personality whilst fighting to survive are triggered by his wonder of self whilst faced with challenge.
Similarly, when faced with adversity one's sense of wonder is enriched allowing reflection of discoveries to occur. Ernest Henley's poem Invictus symbolises the challenges that he faced whilst undergoing personal discoveries triggered by experiences of Tuberculosis. The line "my head is bloody but unbowed" creates a tone of the passion and strength that triggered the author's experiences of personal discovery to occur whilst challenged with disease. His reflection of his containment highlights the curiosity of his experience which allowed new understandings of himself to develop.
Religious discoveries are used by humans to assist in forming answers to the great wonders of life. Pi's investigation of numerous religious traditions in the beginning of the film shows the audience that Pi is longing for a discovery of answers. The use of Christian hymn-like music and use of glowing lights, symbolising religious experience, when the Tsium Tsium is sinking emphasise the enriching discovers that are undergone due to the ship sinking. From this experience Pi's curiosity triggers answers to be formed by his reflection of religious discoveries prior and during his isolation. Ang Lee's use of these techniques create a deeper sense of discovery to be portrayed to the audience, provoking curiosity in the viewers into their personal questions that they seek answers to by adherence to religion.
Discoveries evoked by curiosity are often more enriching for the individual in contrast to if the uncovering was pressured. The theme of reflection is created in the poem Invictus by the authors use of language of the 1st person. This portrays to the reader the depth of discovery enabled by the reflective wonder of the author when writing his poem decades after his experiences with disease. The line "in the fell clutch of circumstance" uses personification to express the extent of traumatic experiences effect on Ernest Henley. The authors personal choice to reflect on the challenges he faced by writing Invictus, evoked by his curiosity, highlight the depth of personal discovery that was enabled by surviving the challenge of disease.
By discussion of experiences of discovery, triggered by wonder, undergone by protagonist characters in the texts Invictus and Life of Pi, the statement that curiosity evokes enriching understandings to occur can be proven when the individual is faced with a challenge which enables answers to be formed.An analysis of techniques and features created by the author and director provide points from which the viewers responses to the texts are formed that thoroughly explore the concept of discovery.
Here are my annotations written in bold throughout your essay:
Spoiler"Discoveries are often evoked by curiosity and wonder, offering up new understandings of ourselves and the world we live in"
Discuss this statement in relation to your prescribed and additional texts.
Acknowledging ones humanly wonder can often evoke personal discoveries and understandings to be enriched for the individual. I really like this opening because it talks about acknowledging an inherent wonder, and that's really unique. "Exploring" the wonder is more common, but acknowledging is a step deeper I think. Ang Lee's film Life of Pi and the late 1800s poem Invictus, written by William Ernest Henley, explore the challenges that individuals undergo when accepting the wonder created by facing challenges that result in discoveries. By the author and director's use of techniques distinctive themes and forms are created from which the concept of discovery is explored. My only criticism about this introduction is that you only offer concepts of discovery that are in the essay question. The best responses take on the question, they put the texts to the question and then they explore from there. Obviously this was in exam situation, but it's something you should keep in mind. By even adding a second sentence after the initial sentence where you introduce more ideas about discovery, you open up the ability to have a richer discussion because you have another thread to follow throughout.
Personal curiosity often tests individuals whilst undergoing a process of discovery. I love that you start the paragraph without talking about the text. That's great.Pi is faced with extreme challenge when isolated due to the sinking of a cargo ship transporting all elements of life he previously knew. The deliberate naming of this ship the Jewish religious term of 'Tsium Tsum' and the emphasis of this by use of a long shot of the bow of the ship during the treacherous storm portray to the audience the space that is created for enriching discoveries,enabled by curiosity, to occur for the protagonist. Anthropomorphism is used to highlights Pi's curiosity into the savage side of his personality. Maybe I'm just finding it hard to find because I've added my own annotations, but where is the textual reference to the anthropomorphism? I can't see a quote that uses this.The discoveries that Pi undergoes of the contrasting aspects of his personality whilst fighting to survive are triggered by his wonder of self whilst faced with challenge. I'm not seeing a direct connection between the Jewish religious term and what you are saying the effect of it is. Particularly because you said the "deliberate" naming. That makes me feel like there's a real significance to Judaism here but I don't see it reflected in your analysis.
Similarly, when faced with adversity one's sense of wonder is enriched allowing reflection of discoveries to occur. Ernest Henley's poem Invictus symbolises the challenges that he faced whilst undergoing personal discoveries triggered by experiences of Tuberculosis. The line (avoid saying, the line, the quote, the sentence, etc. Just write the quote and don't give it that introduction, unless you wanted to put in brackets at the end the chapter it is from, but you would only do that if there was significance to that spot in the story.) "my head is bloody but unbowed" creates a tone of the passion and strength that triggered the author's experiences of personal discovery to occur whilst challenged with disease. His reflection of his containment highlights the curiosity of his experience which allowed new understandings of himself to develop. I think you are fleshing out discovery well, I'm italicising (is that a word?) every time you use it so that you can see it clearly - you're doing a good job of being consistent. One of the biggest problems is that people don't feel like they need to say "discovery" because they see it as a given. Not right. You're doing it really well.
Religious discoveries are used by humans to assist in forming answers to the great wonders of life. "Religious discoveries" wasn't mentioned in your introduction but probably could be. I mentioned in the intro that you should present more ideas about discovery. It seems that you're fleshing out these ideas anyway, they're just not yet in your intro. Pi's investigation of numerous religious traditions in the beginning of the film shows the audience that Pi is longing for a discovery of answers. The use of Christian hymn-like music and use of glowing lights, symbolising religious experience, when the Tsium Tsium is sinking emphasise the enriching discovers that are undergone due to the ship sinking. From this experience Pi's curiosity triggers answers to be formed by his reflection of religious discoveries prior and during his isolation. Ang Lee's use of these techniques create a deeper sense of discovery to be portrayed to the audience, provoking curiosity in the viewers into their personal questions that they seek answers to by adherence to religion. This is a really meaty paragraph, it's awesome. You've made a good link back to the essay question.
Discoveries evoked by curiosity are often more enriching for the individual in contrast to if the uncovering was pressured. I think the wording here is awkward, I read the sentence three times before I understood. "Discoveries evoked by curiosity are often more enriching for an individual than a meticulous/calculated/planned discovery." This is just an idea. You'll need to play with it a little bit more. The theme of reflection is created in the poem Invictus by the authors use of language of the 1st person. This portrays to the reader the depth of discovery enabled by the reflective wonder of the author when writing his poem decades after his experiences with disease. The line "in the fell clutch of circumstance" uses personification to express the extent of traumatic experiences effect on Ernest Henley. You can change the syntax here so it reads: "The use of personification in, "the fell clutch of circumstance...." It just sounds a tiny bit more academic. You're driving the sentence with personification, not the line.The authors personal choice to reflect on the challenges he faced by writing Invictus, evoked by his curiosity, highlight the depth of personal discovery that was enabled by surviving the challenge of disease. It's really wonderful that you always bring it back to discovery.
By discussion of experiences of discovery, triggered by wonder, undergone by protagonist characters in the texts Invictus and Life of Pi, the statement that curiosity evokes enriching understandings to occur can be proven when the individual is faced with a challenge which enables answers to be formed.An analysis of techniques and features created by the author and director provide points from which the viewers responses to the texts are formed that thoroughly explore the concept of discovery. I'd break up this conclusion a bit. You've got two sentences that are both quite long. I recommend this structure:
-Make a statement about discovery.
-CLaim that the texts are a testament to this notion.
-Mention the other ideas of discovery that you mentioned as supporting notions to your main thesis.
-End the way that you currently have.
End Notes:
Seriously awesome job. You've done well here! You always link things back to discovery which is giving your essay massive points. Your introduction and conclusion need a little more fleshing out in order to start it off strong and bring it home well. Easy done!
You're sitting on about 600 words. If you could extend yourself to 700, and eventually 800, you'll be able to fit in a lot more textual analysis. Your essay is dropping in that your paragraphs aren't equally meaty and they tend to deal with one or two quotes each when I would aim for three per text per paragraph. This gives you the opportunity to flesh out the discovery in the text more, but also gives you the option to use your text as a supporting resource to your thesis about discovery, because that's what this is ultimately about, discovery, not the texts.
You've done a really awesome job, particularly considering this was in exam conditions. If anything I've said doesn't really make sense, post back!
If you comb through every sentence with scrutiny and ask "what does this sentence add? Could I rearrange the sentence to put my point in a stronger way? Does this add to the conversation about discovery?" then you'll have a really awesome essay.
You've done so well!
fluffchuck:
May I ask, do you do essay marking for preliminary? Thanks!!
jamonwindeyer:
--- Quote from: fluffchuck on April 29, 2016, 10:48:44 pm ---May I ask, do you do essay marking for preliminary? Thanks!!
--- End quote ---
Hey fluffchuck! Welcome to the forums ;D
Totally! We may or may not have knowledge of your text, but that's okay, we can still give you feedback about your structure, analysis, etc ;D just post your essay either as a post or an attachment and we'll get you some feedback! ;D
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