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English Extension 1 Essay Marking
Lauradf36:
--- Quote from: elysepopplewell on July 22, 2016, 04:44:52 pm ---Hey there! Just a heads up that I'm busy scanning groceries tonight (my part time job) but you will get some feedback on this tomorrow! :)
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Thank you so much, I really appreciate it!
Lauradf36:
Sorry to bother, but are you able to have a look at this creative sometime today? I need to hand it in tomorrow! :)
jamonwindeyer:
--- Quote from: Lauradf36 on July 24, 2016, 12:28:49 pm ---Sorry to bother, but are you able to have a look at this creative sometime today? I need to hand it in tomorrow! :)
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Hey Lauradf36! Elyse is ill, and I have no idea about Romanticism, but do you think my feedback will help at all? If so I will give it a look immediately to look at it as a general creative ;D
Lauradf36:
--- Quote from: jamonwindeyer on July 24, 2016, 09:12:25 pm ---Hey Lauradf36! Elyse is ill, and I have no idea about Romanticism, but do you think my feedback will help at all? If so I will give it a look immediately to look at it as a general creative ;D
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Oh no, hope she gets better soon :( And yes, any fresh set of eyes on a creative would be great!
jamonwindeyer:
--- Quote from: Lauradf36 on July 22, 2016, 11:34:59 am ---I'm not sure if this thread is for creatives as well, but would anyone have time to read this creative piece for Romanticism? It needs to be 1800-2000 words and be based around key phrases from the syllabus. It also has to be based off our related/prescribed texts, which for me is Vindication of the Rights of Woman by Wollstonecraft, Frankenstein by Shelley, and Wordsworth poetry.
I'm concerned I A) have too many ideas/they aren't clear enough B) It's way too cliche/too much telling not showing. Thanks!
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Okay!! So, I've had a read, and since you have to hand this in tomorrow I'll keep my feedback brief! This doesn't count as an "essay marked" in terms of the post count rule, so feel free to get some further feedback if you need it later, Elyse will definitely be happy to give it a proper read if it is still useful to you later ;D
First of all, in terms of my very limited understanding of Romanticism, this fits in that style quite well. I've also read Frankenstein, and I can see the conceptual connections you are making with the nature of humanity as portrayed by Shelley as well, that is fantastic!! ;D I imagine you've represented the other texts equally effectively ;D
To address your specific concerns, though the concept might be a tad cliche, your method of exploring it is definitely not. Very clever to use the alternating perspectives to tie in with the "As free as a bird" motif, truly beautiful. No cliche here, good work ;D
That said, as some quick feedback you can implement before submitting this tomorrow (so sorry we didn't get to it properly in time), I do think there are some sentences where you do tell just the tiniest bit too much. This isn't a stylistic issue so much as it is an issue of being, the tiniest bit, either overly descriptive or too explicit with your concepts. Sentences like "Without a cage like mine, humans had twisted nature’s perfect world into their own disfigured creature." are almost a bit like: "Here is my concept, deal with it." A touch more subtlety is something I'd try to achieve, but then you want the concept to shine, so take my opinion with a grain of salt ;D
I think your conceptual drive is perfect. There is one clear concept permeating through the creative, and the story arc works quite well (though I did have to read it twice to catch the details) ;D
On the whole, I love this piece. At the very least, take solace in the fact that you aren't being cliche (in my opinion), and that I think you have an excellent concept (group of concepts) on display. Playing with expression would be my only recommendation, and that is picking, because this is definitely far beyond what is required in the AoS! Thus, you're doing more with language than I've ever been assessed on, so you are beyond my expertise ;) I hope this helps, even just a little! :)
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