critique my intro and b1 please (context)

[doyoueven]

‘Others only see our true identity when we are confident with ourselves’

Identity is what makes us who we are and ultimately plays a vital role in where we belong.  Whilst there is no one specific way of defining identity it can usually be defined by how we view ourselves, our personality traits such as our confidence levels and how ‘others’ perceive us.  It can go without saying how important being confident is.  It is usually the catalyst for bringing out ones true character.  There abilities, beliefs and values are usually all shone out for ‘others’ to see once they are confident within themselves.  However, certain life experiences and circumstances can conceal one’s confidence levels, preventing the community in which they belong to, to see our true selves. Instead seeing an imitation of our actual selves.

writing an expository  essay, tried making my intro short and concise...

[AngelWings]

I am, by no means, an English expert, nor did I study normal English. As such, I'm not exactly the best person to check this, however, I will. You may want to review your use of "their" and add a little more punctuation. Furthermore, as a personal opinion, I believe "all shone out" is a little too colloquial for an essay. (Not to be too picky, but you wanted criticism, right? I apologise if I do sound a bit harsh.)

Spoiler

Identity is what makes us who we are and ultimately plays a vital role in where we belong.  Whilst there is no one specific way of defining identity, it can usually be defined by how we view ourselves, our personality, traits, such as our confidence levels, and how ‘others’ perceive us.  It can go without saying how important being confident is. It is usually the catalyst for bringing out one's true character.  There Their abilities, beliefs and values are usually all shone out (Perhaps choose another word, such as "revealed" or "displayed"? I feel this is not the right lexical choice.) for ‘others’ to see once they are confident within themselves. However, certain life experiences and circumstances can conceal one’s confidence levels, preventing the community in which they belong to, to see our their true selves. Instead seeing an imitation of our their actual selves.

[doyoueven]

I am, by no means, an English expert, nor did I study normal English. As such, I'm not exactly the best person to check this, however, I will. You may want to review your use of "their" and add a little more punctuation. Furthermore, as a personal opinion, I believe "all shone out" is a little too colloquial for an essay. (Not to be too picky, but you wanted criticism, right? I apologise if I do sound a bit harsh.)

Spoiler

yea nah thats fine!  What do you mean by add further punctation and review the use of their?  am i using it in the wrong context or?

[heids]

‘Others only see our true identity when we are confident with ourselves’

Identity is what makes us who we are and ultimately plays a vital role in where we belong.  Whilst there is no one specific way of defining identity it can usually be defined by Our identity is how we view ourselves, our personality traits such as our confidence levels and how ‘others’ perceive us. (Yeah, don't talk about 'defining' identity like that or fluff round with saying there isn't a specific way, just say what it is - it's briefer and nicer!) It can go without saying how important being confident is. Again, just state that it is important.  If it can go without saying, why say it?   Nah jks, basically I'm saying that to be concise (and yes this is mostly concise, good stuff bro!) you should try and cut out unnecessary words like that.  They're like fluff and garbage that want to sneak into your writing, and you want to murder them!  It is usually the catalyst for bringing out ones true character. Here, you could briefly explain how confidence is a catalyst - if we're more confident, why does that make us show our identity?  How does it bring out our true character? There abilities, beliefs and values are usually all shone out for ‘others’ to see once they are confident within themselves.  However, certain life experiences and circumstances can conceal destroy one’s our confidence levels, preventing the community in which they we belong to, to see our true selves. Instead seeing an imitation of our actual selves.


It'd sound nice to stick with 'us' and 'we' and 'our' throughout.  etc. Be 100% consistent, don't swap between 3rd person (they, one, their) and 1st person (we, us, our etc.)  1st person sounds smoother and nicer in my opinion.

So yeah, what I really want you to do is explain a bit more how it all works!  How does confidence 'shine out' our true character?  Why would not being confident stop us showing our identity?  I don't want you to just tell me that not having confidence prevents the community from seeing our true selves - I want you to explain to me how, why that works?  Think of me as an ignorant 5-year-old.  If you just state something, I won't get it.  You have to explain every step of the way!

Don't read this until you've written me an answer about how lacking confidence hides our character, please!

Because if we're not confident about who we are and what other people are going to think of us, then we're going to hide that, right?  We're going to copy other people because we think that then other people will like us or think we're cool.  If we think that other people won't like something about us, then we're going to hide it.  Like, that's why LGBTs struggle with coming out.  Because they don't want to show people their identity, because it's 'different' from everyone else and people might think they're weird or judge them.

But when you feel confident, like you feel sure that other people will accept you, or you're right, or that it doesn't matter what other people think anyway, then you're not going to bother hiding who you are.

Now obviously, for a whole essay, you'll need deeper ideas than this, but this is just a start!

'Their' means the possessive of 'they', kinda like 'they have' - e.g. 'that is their book', because they have, they own that book.
'There' is a place, where something is.  Like 'over there is a book'.

Let me know if you have any questions!  Feel free to post a rewritten version!

[doyoueven]

‘Others only see our true identity when we are confident with ourselves’

Identity is what makes us who we are and ultimately plays a vital role in where we belong.  Whilst there is no one specific way of defining identity it can usually be defined by Our identity is how we view ourselves, our personality traits such as our confidence levels and how ‘others’ perceive us. (Yeah, don't talk about 'defining' identity like that or fluff round with saying there isn't a specific way, just say what it is - it's briefer and nicer!) It can go without saying how important being confident is. Again, just state that it is important.  If it can go without saying, why say it?   Nah jks, basically I'm saying that to be concise (and yes this is mostly concise, good stuff bro!) you should try and cut out unnecessary words like that.  They're like fluff and garbage that want to sneak into your writing, and you want to murder them!  It is usually the catalyst for bringing out ones true character. Here, you could briefly explain how confidence is a catalyst - if we're more confident, why does that make us show our identity?  How does it bring out our true character? There abilities, beliefs and values are usually all shone out for ‘others’ to see once they are confident within themselves.  However, certain life experiences and circumstances can conceal destroy one’s our confidence levels, preventing the community in which they we belong to, to see our true selves. Instead seeing an imitation of our actual selves.


It'd sound nice to stick with 'us' and 'we' and 'our' throughout.  etc. Be 100% consistent, don't swap between 3rd person (they, one, their) and 1st person (we, us, our etc.)  1st person sounds smoother and nicer in my opinion.

So yeah, what I really want you to do is explain a bit more how it all works!  How does confidence 'shine out' our true character?  Why would not being confident stop us showing our identity?  I don't want you to just tell me that not having confidence prevents the community from seeing our true selves - I want you to explain to me how, why that works?  Think of me as an ignorant 5-year-old.  If you just state something, I won't get it.  You have to explain every step of the way!

Don't read this until you've written me an answer about how lacking confidence hides our character, please!

Because if we're not confident about who we are and what other people are going to think of us, then we're going to hide that, right?  We're going to copy other people because we think that then other people will like us or think we're cool.  If we think that other people won't like something about us, then we're going to hide it.  Like, that's why LGBTs struggle with coming out.  Because they don't want to show people their identity, because it's 'different' from everyone else and people might think they're weird or judge them.

But when you feel confident, like you feel sure that other people will accept you, or you're right, or that it doesn't matter what other people think anyway, then you're not going to bother hiding who you are.

Now obviously, for a whole essay, you'll need deeper ideas than this, but this is just a start!

'Their' means the possessive of 'they', kinda like 'they have' - e.g. 'that is their book', because they have, they own that book.
'There' is a place, where something is.  Like 'over there is a book'.

Let me know if you have any questions!  Feel free to post a rewritten version!

Far cheers brah, alright ill take this all in and try and tweak my essay.