critical feedback on identity and belonging piece please!

[upandgo]

this is my 3rd post in an hour and i sincerely apologise!

if anyone can give me harsh/critical feedback on a creative piece i wrote for the context 'identity and belonging' (growing up asian in australia) for a SAC last year id be really appreciative! this is the only piece ive written for sac purposes and i'd like to know ways i can improve/whether im on the right track/if it flows properly. 


‘Our identity is not dependent on whether others accept us, but whether we accept ourselves’

‘Remember that next lesson will be your final opportunity to…’  Her teacher’s words were interrupted by the sound of the school bell, which was instantly accompanied by the thud of closing textbooks and the collective scraping of chairs. She gathered her belongings and headed outside, and made her way to an old lunch table in an isolated area of the courtyard. She pulled out her lunch and biology textbook from her bag and arranged them neatly in front of her. As she flipped the pages of her textbook to a page outlining the migratory pathway of birds, a group of Australian girls pointed in her direction and snorted in derision. Upon arriving at her new school, she had been the object of her classmate’s insults and discrimination. Despite her innumerable attempts to change various aspects of herself, their perception of her remained the same. Nerd, slit eyes, noodle eater, chink- she had been categorized by the use of derogatory labels such as these many times before. It was almost as if she herself was a migratory bird; an outsider in an environment she desperately desired to belong in. Her differences made fitting in inevitable; the values of academic excellence and musical prodigiousness indoctrinated in her were contrast to those of her peers, who aspired to be either tradespeople or athletes. While many Australian teenagers of her age spent their weekends playing cricket or socialising with friends, she was forced by her parents to learn Chinese and attend violin lessons. She stared wistfully at the lustrous fair-haired manes belonging to the girls congregated in front of her. She realized that through their interaction with each other, their identities were formed, and the confidence and assurance they held in themselves were solidified. Without friends, did she still have an identity? She doubted it. Because they didn’t accept her, how was she supposed to fully accept herself?
Consumed by this thought, she shut her textbook with a sigh and carefully opened the plastic lid of her noodle container. She cleaned her metal spoon against the hem of her skirt and inspected it carefully for any traces of dirt. She caught a glimpse of her reflection in the spoon’s surface; her yellow complexion, flat nose and narrow eyes were deemed unfavourable to the pointed noses and freckles of everybody else. She focused her attention to the boys playing football in the distance and gazed enviously at the creamy-white of their skin, the mesmeric nature of their blue eyes and the sophisticated etiquette in which they conducted themselves. They made it blatant that they would never accept her; her cultural disparities made them consider her as an outcast, and much too inferior for their friendship. It was as if her school had a caste system in which exotic individuals such as her were conditioned to receive less attention than other Caucasians, who were envisaged to light up the sky. Countless times she had wished to trade her perfect results in exchange for a solid sense of belonging with her classmates. She inwardly coveted to participate in their conversations; joining their debates over which AFL team was better, being invited to a barbecue, planning a sleepover, whilst matching her accent to be as mellifluous as theirs. She wanted nothing more than to abandon her personality and model her identity to be a mirror image of them.
As she began to eat her noodles, she found herself wondering if she could one day colour her skin the hues of snowy white, and questioned whether it was truly possible for her identity to be recognised amongst her other peers. She craved to be highly regarded of by others and to be admired for the type of person she was. She found herself constantly wishing, not for the highest marks, but to be finally accepted by those around her.

[tashhhaaa]

Not sure if you've received any feedback but I gave it a go (I did ID&B last year)

I should really get off the English forums

‘Our identity is not dependent on whether others accept us, but whether we accept ourselves’

‘Remember that next lesson will be your final opportunity to…’  Her teacher’s words were interrupted by the sound of the school bell, which was instantly accompanied by the thud of closing textbooks and the collective scraping of chairs. She gathered her belongings and headed outside, and made her way to an old lunch table in an isolated area of the courtyard. She pulled out her lunch and biology textbook from her bag and arranged them neatly in front of her. As she flipped the pages of her textbook to a page outlining the migratory pathway of birds, a group of Australian girls pointed in her direction and snorted in derision. Upon arriving at her new school, she had been the object of her classmate’s classmates' insults and discrimination. Despite her innumerable attempts to change various aspects of herself, their perception of her remained the same. Nerd, slit eyes, noodle eater, chink- she had been categorizsed by the use of derogatory labels such as these many times before. It was almost as if she herself was a migratory bird; an outsider in an environment she desperately desired to belong in. Her differences made fitting in inevitable reconsider this word choice. Inevitable means that something will certainly happen, whereas you're saying that she'll never fit in; the values of academic excellence and musical prodigiousness indoctrinated in her were in contrast to those of her peers, who aspired to be either tradespeople or athletes. Okay, but this can come across as a little racist and reinforces stereotypes that may be offensive to some people While many Australian teenagers of her age spent their weekends playing cricket or socialising with friends, she was forced by her parents to learn Chinese and attend violin lessons. She stared wistfully at the lustrous fair-haired manes belonging of the girls that congregated in front of her. She realized that through their interaction with each other, their identities were formed, and the confidence and assurance they held in themselves were solidified. Without friends, did she still have an identity? She doubted it. Because they didn’t accept her, how was she supposed to fully accept herself?
Consumed by this thought, she shut her textbook with a sigh and carefully opened the plastic lid of her noodle container. She cleaned her metal spoon against the hem of her skirt and inspected it carefully for any traces of dirt. She caught a glimpse of her reflection in the spoon’s surface; her yellow complexion, flat nose and narrow eyes were deemed unfavourable to the pointed noses and freckles of everybody else. She focused her attention to the boys playing football in the distance and gazed enviously at the creamy-white of their skin, the mesmeric nature of their blue eyes and the sophisticated etiquette in which they conducted themselves. They made it blatant that they would never accept her; her cultural disparities made them consider her as an outcast, and much too inferior for their friendship. It was as if her school had a caste system in which exotic individuals such as her were conditioned to receive less attention than other Caucasians, who were envisaged to light up the sky. Countless times she had wished to trade her perfect results in exchange for a solid sense of belonging with her classmates. She inwardly coveted to participate reword this in their conversations; joining their debates over which AFL team was better, being invited to a barbecue, planning a sleepover, whilst matching her accent to be as mellifluous as theirs. She wanted nothing more than to abandon her personality and model her identity to be a mirror image of them.
As she began to eat her noodles, she found herself wondering if she could one day colour her skin the hues of snowy white, and questioned whether it was truly possible for her identity to be recognised amongst her other peers. She craved to be highly regarded of by others and to be admired for the type of person she was. She found herself constantly wishing, not for the highest marks, but to be finally accepted by those around her.

general comments:
This definitely flows apart from some minor errors and it's pretty great

The way you describe other people as 'Australian' reinforces your character's otherness which I'm sure was intentional. I liked that.

Just make sure you don't get muddled up using fancy words (you have a great vocab used correctly for the most part) because a simpler word can often flow better

This sounds like something out of GUA, very authentic

Overall an excellent response to this prompt. There aren't any real problems here, you've got the right idea. Something to consider for this year though is to explore other ideas, because although this is a great piece, I've seen something similar done many times. You're clearly capable of thinking outside the box.

[upandgo]

wow thanks so much! that means alot since you did so well in english!

haha i realised how similar my idea was just after i had finished it  this year i think my school's doing conflict, so i'll definitely keep at it and think of multiple ideas 

[Alter]

Comments/additions in blue

Spoiler

‘Remember that next lesson will be your final opportunity to…’  Her teacher’s words were interrupted by the sound of the school bell, which was instantly accompanied by the thud of closing textbooks and the collective scraping of chairs. She gathered her belongings and headed outside, and made her way to an old lunch table in an isolated area of the courtyard. She pulled out her lunch and biology textbook from her bag and arranged them neatly in front of her. As she flipped the pages of her textbook to a page outlining the migratory pathway of birds (what significant does this have? (nvm I got to this)), a group of Australian girls pointed in her direction and snorted in derision. (separate your paragraphs) -- good, you've started with the idea of others accepting us/excluding us with the character.[/b]

[/b][/color]Upon arriving at her new school, she had been the object(target?) of her classmate’ss' (classmate is singular, I think you mean plural schoolmates) insults and discrimination. Despite her innumerable attempts to change various aspects of herself, their perception of her remained the same. Nerd, slit eyes, noodle eater, chink- she had been categorized by the use of derogatory labels such as these many times before. It was almost as if she herself was a migratory bird (good!!); she was (semicolons separate independent clauses) an outsider in an environment she desperately desired to belong in. Her differences made fitting in inevitable; (this is a good example of a semicolon) the values of academic excellence and musical prodigiousness indoctrinated (too many complex words jammed in here, but it technically works) in her were contrast to those of her peers, who aspired to be either tradespeople or athletes. (again, paragraph separation is crucial. as an aside, you've yet to touch upon the idea of accepting OURSELVES yet, so the this section has actually added little to the prompt from the first)

While many Australian teenagers of her age spent their weekends playing cricket or socialising with friends, she was forced by her parents to learn Chinese and attend violin lessons. She stared wistfully at the lustrous fair-haired manes belonging to the girls congregated in front of her. She realized that through their interaction with each other, their identities were formed, (I'd avoid using a phrase such as this, it's like you're trying too hard to link it into the prompt when you were already doing fine without forcing the link. As a general rule, you can avoid the main words of your context title (identity and belonging) if you're doing an imaginative piece) and the confidence and assurance they held in themselves were solidified. Without friends, did she still have an identity? She doubted it. Because they didn’t accept her, how was she supposed to fully accept herself? (these last two sentences make the paragraph and fit well with the prompt, especially using the idea of personal acceptance as an extension of personal identity)

Consumed by this thought, she shut her textbook with a sigh and carefully opened the plastic lid of her noodle container. She cleaned her metal spoon against the hem of her skirt and inspected it carefully for any traces of dirt. She caught a glimpse of her reflection in the spoon’s surface; her yellow complexion, flat nose and narrow eyes were deemed unfavourable to the pointed noses and freckles of everybody else. (well done here) She focused her attention to the boys playing football in the distance and gazed enviously at the creamy-white of their skin, the mesmeric nature of their blue eyes and the sophisticated etiquette in which they conducted themselves. (does accepting ourselves come at the cost of acknowledging not being like others? it seems like this is the message you're getting at, you should've finished off this thought, in my opinion. Why is she jealous? Does she have to commit to the idea she'll never be like others?) They made it blatantly obvious (pc) that they would never accept her; her cultural disparities made them consider her as an outcast, and much too inferior for their friendship. It was as if her school had a caste system in which exotic individuals such as her were conditioned to receive less attention than other Caucasians, who were envisaged to light up the sky. Countless times she had wished to trade her perfect results in exchange for a solid sense of belonging with her classmates. She inwardly coveted (what does this mean?) to participate in their conversations; (this semicolon doesn't work) joining their debates over which AFL team was better, being invited to a barbecue, planning a sleepover, whilst matching her accent to be as mellifluous as theirs. She wanted nothing more than to abandon her personality and model her identity to be a mirror image of them. (so I take it here (and below) that you're wanting to clutch the idea that accepting ourselves is not possible without the prerequisite of being comfortable in our environment, which mandates that others accept us)

As she began to eat her noodles, she found herself wondering if she could one day colour her skin the hues of snowy white, and questioned whether it was truly possible for her identity to be recognised amongst her other peers. She craved to be highly regarded of by others and to be admired for the type of person she was. She found herself constantly wishing, not for the highest marks, but to be finally accepted by those around her. (I feel like you could've ended this with a more insightful comment, because you've basically just returned back to the simplest idea you had in the 1st paragraph: she wanted external acceptance. Much like if you were writing an expository piece, try to finish with your strongest and most complex ideas)

Good job overall. Have a nice day.