HSC Stuff > Marking Thread Archives
Free AOS essay Marking!
elysepopplewell:
--- Quote from: brontem on March 06, 2016, 06:43:40 pm ---Hi Elyse! Thanks so much for your feedback, a fresh set of eyes can really help point out areas of improvement :)
I did my best to fix up according to your suggestions, and would love for you to take another look :)
thanks so much again!
--- End quote ---
Hey again Brontem :) Thanks for appreciating this! Because I appreciate you joining our community :)
Here is your new and improved essay:
SpoilerDiscovery can offer a new and exciting perception of one’s own physical and spiritual capabilities, but an individuals reconsideration of themselves and their position in society can result in discoveries which can be confronting and brutal. Kate Chopin’s The Awakening represents the fulfilling discoveries which could only be once an individual decides to reconsider the reality around them or make the effort to deeply explore beyond the realms of comfort. Chopin examines the relationship between the individual, particularly women, and society through Edna’s emancipatory quest for freedom, self-fulfilment and liberation. The Awakening traces Edna’s movement from ignorance of individuality to the pursuit of knowledge and uncovering autonomy, whereby the brutal discovery that such freedom will always be denied inevitably destroys her. Similarly, Kim Ho’s short film the language of love explores the ideas of renewed perceptions through the perspective of a modern homosexual teen, who struggles upon discovering his true sexual identity due to the stigma placed on non-conformist relationships. The discoveries made by each individual have the potential to be intensely meaningful and stimulate new ideas in the discoverer.
A discovery and its impacts can arise unexpectedly, resulting in an initially positive outcome. Chopin demonstrates the positive nature of such discoveries through the experiences of Edna uncovering her own hidden sensuous desires. It was amidst strong contextual change during the fin de siecle era that The Awakening was crafted, in a time where women were still restricted by the patriarchy, and artists explored the possibility of women being physically and spiritually free. Edna initially is filled with a "vague anguish", as her husbands "gangrene passion" has left her physically incomplete and spiritually unfulfilled. Chopin indicates the uncovering of Edna’s sexual liberation, "a certain light beginning to dawn within her" with light imagery representing her optimistic discovery of the possibility of sexual freedom. Edna’s budding hidden sexual desire is portrayed in the phallic symbolism of "slimy lizards", her eventual spiritual fulfilment reinforced with animalistic imagery in the simile "like a sleek animal waking up in the sun". Similarly, Charlie’s experiences of an unexpected discovery come as a result of uncovering previously unexplored feelings for his friend Sam. The sudden nature of Charlie's discovery is highlighted by his environment; the bleak and quiet regimented setting of the hall is juxtaposed by the light shining on his face; light symbolising Charlie discovering his own hidden sexuality. Through incorporation of foreign language, Ho draws parallels with Charlie’s discovery of feelings which were previously unknown. The heteroglossia (?) of the French language highlights Charlie’s uncovering of his artistic and creative abilities due to his renewed perception of his sexual identity. Both Ho and Chopin employ the sudden and unexpected nature of their protagonists discoveries to emphasise the positive impacts of their outcome.
Society's scrutiny of individuals who defy the norm can hinder one's progression to fulfilment; such societal burdens can lead to brutal discoveries. Ho demonstrates societies brutal conquer over Charlie through the theomorphic description of his friends "they howled me down", as Charlie begins to reconsider his position in society as a result of discovering that he is part of the minority. Haunting musical intonation of "Charlies a poofta" connotes Charlie's devastation as he discovers that he will never be accepted by the wider society. Ho employs a flashback to emphasize Charlie’s discovery that he will never be able to achieve emotional fulfilment; flash cutting emphasising the confronting nature of such discovery. Charlie’s elation is destroyed by the discovery he will forever be supressed, Charlie’s shameful tone in “they’d never let me forget how gay I’d acted” represents his final brutal discovery that he will never achieve fulfilment. Likewise, Edna continuously attempts to remove the shackles of society through her quest for autonomy, Chopin foreshadowing the impossibility of such freedom as a "delicious, grotesque, impossible dream". Tragic irony in "pigeon house" emphasizes the impossibility of total spiritual and emotional freedom, as Edna uncovers the reality that she will forever be imprisoned by domestic roles in a patriarchal society. The inevitable destruction of Edna’s quest for autonomy is demonstrated through the motif of light, "the lamp spluttered and went out" symbolising Edna’s final brutal discovery that such freedom that she desired cannot be realised for a woman in her context. Although Edna achieved social and spiritual awakening, she is devastated when she uncovers that such a life will never come to fruition; the "bird with a broken wing, beating the air above" is symbolic of society's defeat over Edna in her quest for spiritual liberty despite having "the soul that dares and defies". Edna's pursuit for freedom and her inevitable defeat were embodied by the cyclical nature of the ocean - symbolising society's unbroken pattern of heavy patriarchal and restrictive burdens. Upon the realisation that she will never live autonomously, Edna reconsiders her position in the universe and is ultimately destroyed by her quest, demonstrated through Edna taking her own life. The confronting, destructive nature of discoveries due to contextual burdens forces both Charlie and Edna to reconsider their values and perceptions of themselves in society.
Here is your essay with my writing in bold:
SpoilerDiscovery can offer a new and exciting perception of one’s own physical and spiritual capabilities, but an individuals reconsideration of themselves and their position in society can result in discoveries which can be confronting and brutal. This is such a big improvement. However, I will suggest another improvement :P I think you need to split this first sentence in half. It should end up looking like this: "Discoveries can offer a new and exciting perception of one's own physical and spiritual capabilities. These discoveries may be brutal and confronting, particularly when an individual reconsiders their perception of their own identity and their position in society." I've added a few words here or there to make it more alike to the rubric. Kate Chopin’s The Awakening represents (not sure about represents. Displays, observes, exhibits, shows, manifests...) the fulfilling discoveries which could may only be experienced once an individual decides to reconsiders the reality around them or make the effort to deeply explore beyond the realms of comfort. This last underlined part is a bit of an awkward end. The reason being, is that the sentence is already very long and you are adding another clause. You have the choice of leaving the end off or setting it up as a new sentence.Chopin examines the relationship between selected individualsd, particularly women, and society through the protagonist,Edna’s, emancipatory quest for freedom, self-fulfilment and liberation. The Awakening traces Edna’s movement from ignorance of individuality to the pursuit of knowledge and uncovering autonomy, whereby the brutal discovery that such freedom will always be denied inevitably destroys her.Although I like the sentence that precedes my own, if you had to cut a sentence, it would be this one. Just because it does do a bit of story-retell. However, I do like it because you relate it very well to discovery. So I'm conflicted haha. Similarly, Kim Ho’s short film the language of love explores the ideas of renewed perceptions through the perspective of a modern homosexual teen, who struggles upon discovering his true sexual identity due to the stigma placed on non-conformist relationships. The discoveries made by each individual have the potential to be intensely meaningful and stimulate new ideas in the discoverer. YASSS! This is what I'm talking about! You need this kind of thing to tie in the introduction. This reads so much better now.
A discovery and its impacts can arise unexpectedly, potentially resulting in an initially positive outcome. Yesssss! Chopin demonstrates the positive nature of such discoveries through the experiences of Edna uncovering her own hidden sensuous desires. It was amidst strong contextual change during the fin de siecle era that The Awakening was crafted, in a time where women were still restricted by the patriarchy, and artists explored the possibility of women being physically and spiritually free. Edna initially is filled with a "vague anguish", as her husbands "gangrene passion" has left her physically incomplete and spiritually unfulfilled. Chopin indicates the uncovering of Edna’s sexual liberation, "a certain light beginning to dawn within her" with light imagery representing mirroring her optimistic discovery of the possibility of sexual freedom. Edna’s budding hidden sexual desire is portrayed in the phallic symbolism of "slimy lizards", her eventual spiritual fulfilment reinforced with animalistic imagery in the simile "like a sleek animal waking up in the sun". Similarly, Charlie’sOkay, this is my introduction to Charlie. You need to introduce him as the protagonist (if he is?) of the second text. experiences of an unexpected discovery come as a result of uncovering previously unexplored feelings for his friend Sam. The sudden nature of Charlie's discovery is highlighted by his environment; the bleak and quiet regimented setting of the hall is juxtaposed by the light shining on his face; light symbolising Charlie discovering his own hidden sexuality. I think this sentence is a great opportunity to link between texts. You talk about the light imagery above in the first text. So if you re-arrange your sentence a bit, you might be able to go for a link between texts, mid sentence. This could be as simple as "the light imagery, also observed in The Awakening, ..." It isn't a necessity of course, but if you can do it seamlessly it will show a very deep link between the texts. Through incorporation of foreign language, Ho draws parallels with Charlie’s discovery of feelings which were previously unknown. The heteroglossia (?) of the French language highlights Charlie’s uncovering of his artistic and creative abilities due to his renewed perception of his sexual identity. Both Ho and Chopin employ the sudden and unexpected nature of their protagonists discoveries to emphasise the positive impacts of their outcome.
Society's scrutiny of individuals who defy the norm can hinder one's progression to fulfilment; such societal burdens can lead to brutal discoveries. I seem to be a really big fan of cutting your thesis statements in half haha. This one works, but it is a lot to take in, which is why I would keep the end clause as a new sentence. But, this is something that won't mark you down, it will just improve the clarity of your understanding of discovery. Ho demonstrates societies brutal conquer over Charlie through the theomorphic description of his friends "they howled me down", as Charlie begins to reconsider his position in society as a result of discovering that he is part of the minority. This is another sentence that would benefit from being cut in half :P Haunting musical intonation of "Charlie's a poofta" connotes Charlie's devastation as he discovers that he will never be accepted by the wider society. Ho employs a flashback to emphasize Charlie’s discovery that he will never be able to achieve emotional fulfilment; flash cutting emphasising the confronting nature of such discovery. Charlie’s elation is destroyed by the discovery he will forever be supressed, Charlie’s shameful tone in “they’d never let me forget how gay I’d acted” represents his final brutal discovery that he will never achieve fulfilment. Likewise, Edna continuously attempts to remove the shackles of society through her quest for autonomy, Chopin foreshadowing the impossibility of such freedom as a "delicious, grotesque, impossible dream". Tragic irony in "pigeon house" emphasizes the impossibility of total spiritual and emotional freedom, as Edna uncovers discovers the reality that she will forever be imprisoned by domestic roles in a patriarchal society. The inevitable destruction of Edna’s quest for autonomy is demonstrated through the motif of light, "the lamp spluttered and went out" symbolising Edna’s final brutal discovery that such freedom that she desired cannot be realised for a woman in her context. Although Edna achieved social and spiritual awakening, she is devastated when she uncovers that such a life will never come to fruition; the "bird with a broken wing, beating the air above" is symbolic of society's defeat over Edna in her quest for spiritual liberty despite having "the soul that dares and defies". Edna's pursuit for freedom and her inevitable defeat were embodied by the cyclical nature of the ocean - symbolising society's unbroken pattern of heavy patriarchal and restrictive burdens. Upon the realisation that she will never live autonomously, Edna reconsiders her position in the universe and is ultimately destroyed by her quest, demonstrated through Edna taking her own life. The confronting, destructive nature of discoveries due to contextual burdens forces both Charlie and Edna to reconsider their values and perceptions of themselves in society.
WOW! WOW!
This has come so far, even with just a few changes! Your textual analysis is really thorough, I'm very impressed. You also present a very well integrated essay. I would like to see what you can do with a conclusion. I know you want to make it up on the spot, but it helps to have a "perfect" one back at home on paper so that you at least know how the conclusion should be formatted when you are in an exam.
I think you are using American English with "emphasize." It is emphasise in Australian English :) (Small flaw - nothing major!!!! Your Microsoft Word but be set to American English and actually autocorrect it.)
Hopefully what I've said has made sense. I'd also be interested in hearing what your teacher has to say about this. Because you have come so far so quickly, it is important to touch base with someone other than me. Then once you gain their feedback, change up the essay, feel free to send it back! We are getting to a stage where there is very little to fix up. I think part of this is because I'm not looking at it with fresh eyes because I've seen it twice now, but majorly because it is really good!
When is the next time that you can gain teacher feedback? Is it after the half yearly? Or before? :)
brontem:
Hey! thanks so much for the help, I feel wayyy more confident in my essay now :)
We had to write a half essay in with just the prescribed text (the awakening) and it was marked on that (it was given 16/20 with critiques as "work the terms more"), we were told our related texts can't be marked, which is why I came here :)
The exam is on Friday, and I cant hand it back in because of the related text, so next time I get teacher feedback will be after the exam; but you've definitely helped me so much. I've split some of those thesis parts in half and added the minor tweaks you've suggested and I'm confident that I'll be able to manipulate it according to the question on the day (I'll also write a conclusion as a mock-up so I know where I'm heading). All I've done is adopted your minor tweaks so it reads how you imagined, so I'm not sure if you'd want to see it again?
Thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it :)
lowrifunnell:
hi again!! so i've tried fixing up most of my essay from the feedback you gave me (thank you very much for that, it was extremely helpful!!), but I'm still struggling with being concise with my points and just rehashing over the same information, i was wondering if you could help me out again? thank you so much!!!
elysepopplewell:
--- Quote from: brontem on March 08, 2016, 12:19:28 pm ---Hey! thanks so much for the help, I feel wayyy more confident in my essay now :)
We had to write a half essay in with just the prescribed text (the awakening) and it was marked on that (it was given 16/20 with critiques as "work the terms more"), we were told our related texts can't be marked, which is why I came here :)
The exam is on Friday, and I cant hand it back in because of the related text, so next time I get teacher feedback will be after the exam; but you've definitely helped me so much. I've split some of those thesis parts in half and added the minor tweaks you've suggested and I'm confident that I'll be able to manipulate it according to the question on the day (I'll also write a conclusion as a mock-up so I know where I'm heading). All I've done is adopted your minor tweaks so it reads how you imagined, so I'm not sure if you'd want to see it again?
Thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it :)
--- End quote ---
Okay! Awesome :) It really is my pleasure. I love seeing essays improve through time :) Right now, I think it is best that you go into your exam with the essay you have. Right now, it isn't as much about fixing the preparation as it is adjusting in an exam. Hopefully you'll get some great feedback from your teacher. I mean, if she gave you 16/20 before, and you've improved so much, you're now just being testing on your ORT and your adaptation in the exam. When you get this feedback, absolutely feel free to post back because I'd be really interested!
You're doing so well :)
elysepopplewell:
--- Quote from: lowrifunnell on March 08, 2016, 12:37:50 pm ---hi again!! so i've tried fixing up most of my essay from the feedback you gave me (thank you very much for that, it was extremely helpful!!), but I'm still struggling with being concise with my points and just rehashing over the same information, i was wondering if you could help me out again? thank you so much!!!
--- End quote ---
Hello again! I'm glad that this is helping you, I really am!
Same as last time, here is your original essay:
SpoilerPersonal discoveries may change one’s perception of themselves and their place in society. In The Awakening, the protagonist, Edna, makes a discovery of her autonomous existence that brings with it the discovery that it is in fact impossible The context of the society will not allow her to be independent, rendering her initial emotional discovery useless and ultimately, destructive. Additionally, the film Persepolis (2007) directed by Vincent Paronnaud and Marjane Satrapi, follows a young girl, Marjane, growing up during the Islamic Revolution, as she discovers her identity and sense of self, before discovering that this identity does not conform to the social expectations of post-revolutionist Iran. Both discoveries result in new understandings and perceptions of identity and society. (Is this too rubric-y??)
Discoveries can result in a change of perspective of one’s identity, and cause the realisation of a more independent, autonomous self. The title of the novel, The Awakening uses connotations of awakening to emphasises that Edna was blind, but is now fully awake, fully aware of herself and society. Although this discovery is only a change in opinion of herself, and therefore cannot be true nor false, the title reveals that it is correct. Similarly, the line “I wouldn’t give myself” symbolises the moment when she gains a sense of agency. She has discovered an autonomous sense of self and she will not surrender it for any patriarchal demands. Likewise, towards the beginning of Edna’s discovery, “a certain light was beginning to dawn dimly within her”. The subject of the sentence is the light, rather than Edna herself. The fact that the light is “within her” symbolises the internal nature of her discovery. It is revealing her autonomous self, and changing her perception of her identity. Furthermore, the listing of adverbs and past participles in “idly, aimlessly, unthinking and unguided” emphasises that Edna is experiencing a vast freedom of choice, roaming through limitless possibilities. She has decided to be autonomous and reject social conventions.
Whilst it is possible to discover a previously hidden identity, that identity may not be harmonious with the context's social ideas. The Awakening was written at the end of the 19th century in America, where women were confined by patriarchal society, whilst Fin de Siecle literature presented women with more freedom and independence. Edna’s ultimate discovery of the impossibility of her freedom due to societal constraints, brings about her death. The “caged bird” towards the beginning of the novel introduces the bird motif, and foreshadows the restrictions society will place on Edna’s freedom. She is liberated by her sexual, social and spiritual awakening, but also discovers the impossibility of achieving this awakened life. Likewise, the “language which nobody understood, unless it was the mockingbird” uses the motif of birds to continue to emphasise Edna’s cry for freedom. Edna becomes isolated because her way of thinking is not congruous with society’s. At the end of the novel, Edna “stood naked in the open air" prior to her suicide, displaying an ironic duality, in that it exposes her, but gives her freedom. She was protected by society, but she discovered the potential of liberation and was destroyed.
The film Persepolis is also a testament to the notion that the discovery of one's identity may not be fostered in restrictive societies. The film demonstrates the challenges faced in an attempt to discover an identity whilst having to conform with a tyrannical society. Towards the beginning of the film, Marjane is given a swan made of bread by her uncle, whom she greatly respects. The swan is a symbol for her need for freedom, and provides an insight into Marjane’s main ideals, and gives her hope for the future. Similar to Edna, as Marjane begins to discover her identity, she experiences struggles and difficulties in fitting in with society, demonstrated through the motif of music. Marjane has to buy her tapes on the black market as they are forbidden in her society. The tapes symbolise the struggles involved in coming of age and discovering herself. Finally, Marjane begins to discover that her identity is not congruous with society’s idea of women. She wants “to be an educated, liberated woman. And if the pursuit of knowledge meant getting cancer, so be it”. This is a reference to Marie Curie, who died of radiation poisoning due to her research on radioactivity. Marjane is recognising that her newly discovered freedom comes at a price.
As Marjane discovers her role in society as a woman and as a person, she also discovers that how she sees herself is not harmonious with society's perception of women. The recurring motif of the veil that Marjane has to wear in Iran is symbolic of society’s oppression of women, supported by the ironic statement taught in schools, that “the veil is synonymous with freedom”. This idea is further demonstrated by the monochromatic colours of the movie when Marjane is wearing the veil, and the transition to colour when she removes it. For Marjane, the veil symbolises the idea that, due to being a woman, she is less of a person. Following this discovery, she is prescribed medication for depression. Much like in The Awakening, society believes that anything that challenges the social norms is an illness that must be cured. Finally, the powerful conclusion to the film, where Marjane is asked where she is from, and she replies “Iran” demonstrates the final outcome of Marjane’s discovery. Whilst she is fully Iranian, and the country is inextricably linked to her newly discovered personality, she has also discovered that she cannot exist there. Both Edna and Marjane discover that their identities are not synonymous with society’s paradigms, but whilst this destroys Edna, Marjane survives and continues to discover her autonomous self.
This time, I will be deeper with my comments, more specific if I can, in bold text:
SpoilerPersonal discoveries may change one’s perception of themselves and their place in society. In an exam, you would address the question with a "secondary" thesis statement that supports the first, but directly deals with the question.In The Awakening, the protagonist, Edna, makes a discovery of her autonomous existence that brings with it the discovery that it is in fact impossible. Perhaps try "In The Awakening, the protagonist, Edna, makes a dual discovery that she has an autonomous existence, but also that it is suppressed by society." All I've done here is linked the two discoveries with "dual" so that you can clearly relate that one was discovered after the other, whilst also being kind of simultaneous. The oppressive? Traditional? Patriarchal? context of the society will not allow her to be independent, rendering her initial emotional discovery regarding her autonomous existenceuseless and ultimately, destructive. Additionally, the film Persepolis (2007) directed by Vincent Paronnaud and Marjane Satrapi, follows a young girl, Marjane, growing up during the Islamic Revolution, as she discovers her identity and sense of self, before discovering that this identity does not conform to the social expectations of post-revolutionist Iran. Both discoveries result in new understandings and perceptions of identity and society. (Is this too rubric-y??) To kind of make it sound less rubric-y I'd just add an extra little something in there. Kind of like this: "Both discoveries, although different in context, result in new understandings and perceptions of identity and society." This definitely isn't perfect, but do you see what I mean about adding a little something in there that brings it out of the rubric and into the texts, without actually specifying textual details? However, this is me being picky. In an exam situation, your original last sentence would fly without question, I'd imagine.
Discoveries can result in a change of perspective of one’s identity, and cause the realisation of a more independent, autonomous self. The title of the novel, The Awakening uses connotations of awakening to emphasises that Edna was blind, but is now fully awake, fully aware of herself and society. You don't have to use this at all, but I will suggest this. The word "titular" means relating to the title. So, to express your sentence more concisely in an exam in less words, you could change this sentence to be, "The titular connotations of "The Awakening" emphasise that Edna was blind..." By using titular, you can arrange the syntax in a way to sound clearer and more sophisticated. Although this discovery is only a change in opinion of herself, and therefore cannot be true nor false, the title reveals that it is correct. Similarly, the line I try to avoid saying "the line, the quote, this..." Instead, try "Similarly, Edna's declaration, "I wouldn't give myself," symbolises..." “I wouldn’t give myself” symbolises the moment when she gains a sense of agency. love that you're switching between agency, autonomy, etc. She has discovered an autonomous sense of self and she will not surrender it for any patriarchal demands. Likewise, towards the beginning of Edna’s discovery, “a certain light was beginning to dawn dimly within her”. The subject of the sentence is the light, rather than Edna herself (here, I feel like you need to be more technical with the literary techniques at play. Specifically, you need to talk about noun placement. You can do a quick google search on this to see how syntax, particularly noun placement, alters the subject of the sentence. I feel like you already know this, because you've pointed it out above. Now, you just need to be concise in the language works at play. The fact that the light is “within her” symbolises the internal nature of her discovery. Awesome point! It is revealing her autonomous self, and changing her perception of her identity. Furthermore, the listing style/format of adverbs and past participles in “idly, aimlessly, unthinking and unguided” (Unguided is the only past participle here. Idly, aimlessly and unthinking are all adverbs. But, so is unguided. So really, you could take out the past participle part.emphasises that Edna is experiencing a vast freedom of choice, roaming through limitless possibilities. She has decided to be autonomous and reject social conventions. In these last two sentences, you probably want to consider explicitly saying DISCOVERY so that the marker feels like you have rounded your argument back.
Whilst it is possible to discover a previously hidden identity, that identity may not be harmonious with the context's social ideas. The Awakening was written at the end of the 19th century in America, where women were confined by patriarchal society, whilst Fin de Siecle literature presented women with more freedom and independence. Edna’s ultimate discovery of the impossibility of her freedom due to societal constraints, brings about her death. The “caged bird” towards the beginning of the novel introduces the bird motif, and foreshadows the restrictions society will place on Edna’s freedom. She is liberated by her sexual, social and spiritual awakening, but also discovers the impossibility of achieving this awakened life. Likewise, the “language which nobody understood, unless it was the mockingbird” uses the motif of birds to continue to emphasise Edna’s cry for freedom. Edna becomes isolated because her way of thinking is not congruous with society’s. At the end of the novel, Edna “stood naked in the open air" prior to her suicide, displaying an ironic duality, in that it exposes her, but gives her freedom. She was protected by society, but she discovered the potential of liberation and was destroyed. I like this paragraph because it links well to the second part of the discovery in this text: the realisation about society! But I can't LOVE this paragraph because you solely talk about the bird motif as your strongest textual reference. It is essentially a weak paragraph because of it, yet it holds powerful ideas. It is possible that when you receive an essay question, this paragraph will be a lot more guided. However, I still would try and get your hands on some more textual references, even small ones, to strengthen this.
The film Persepolis is also a testament to the notion that the discovery of one's identity may not be fostered in restrictive societies. The film demonstrates the challenges faced in an attempt to discover an identity whilst having to conform with a tyrannical society. Towards the beginning This bit here is a bit clumsy. of the film, Marjane is given a swan made of bread by her uncle, whom she greatly respects. The swan is a symbol for her need for freedom, and provides an insight into Marjane’s main ideals, and gives her hope for the future. Awesome, this is a sentence packed full of great insight. Similar to Edna, as Marjane begins to discover her identity, she experiences struggles and difficulties in fitting in with society, demonstrated through the motif of music. Marjane has to buy her tapes on the black market as they are forbidden in her society. The tapes symbolise the struggles involved in coming of age and discovering herself. Finally, Marjane begins to discover that her identity is not congruous with society’s idea of women. She wants “to be an educated, liberated woman. And if the pursuit of knowledge meant getting cancer, so be it”. This is a reference Ask your teacher if they think this constitutes an "allusion." By dictionary definition, it is, so you can replace "reference" for "allusion." However, some teachers dispute that it can be non-religious. I would say it is an allusion. to Marie Curie, who died of radiation poisoning due to her research on radioactivity. Marjane is recognising that her newly discovered freedom comes at a price.
As Marjane discovers her role in society as a woman and as a person, she also discovers that how she sees herself is not harmonious with society's perception of women. The recurring motif of the veil that Marjane has to wear in Iran is symbolic of society’s oppression of women, supported by the ironic statement taught in schools, that “the veil is synonymous with freedom”. This idea/irony is further demonstrated by the monochromatic colours of the movie when Marjane is wearing the veil, and the transition to colour when she removes it. For Marjane, the veil symbolises the idea that, due to being a woman, she is less of a person. Following this discovery, she is prescribed medication for depression. Much like in The Awakening, society believes that anything that challenges the social norms is an illness that must be cured. Finally, the powerful conclusion to the film, where Marjane is asked where she is from, and she replies “Iran” demonstrates the final outcome of Marjane’s discovery. Whilst she is fully Iranian, and the country is inextricably linked to her newly discovered personality, she has also discovered that she cannot exist there. Both Edna and Marjane discover that their identities are not synonymous with society’s paradigms, but whilst this destroys Edna, Marjane survives and continues to discover her autonomous self. I really like this last idea. This is what you could use as the last paragraph of your introduction even? Well, this kind of idea. The non-rubric-y bit would be the reference to the two having different reactions to the discovery.
This has improved so much, I'm so proud :')
I'm interested to know how you go in your half yearly exam. Keep in touch, take the feedback or leave it, let me know what you think about the piece at this stage. The next step, after your next edit, might be to leave it after half yearlies and wait for the teacher feedback. Then, based on that, you should be able to take another big step forward in creating a polished work!
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version