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lowrifunnell:
Hey again!  :) thank you so so so much for all the feedback!! I've edited my essay and now feel super duper confident in it, thank you sooooo much!! I'll let you know how it goes in the half yearlies :)

elysepopplewell:

--- Quote from: lowrifunnell on March 09, 2016, 02:46:16 pm ---Hey again!  :) thank you so so so much for all the feedback!! I've edited my essay and now feel super duper confident in it, thank you sooooo much!! I'll let you know how it goes in the half yearlies :)

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This makes me so happy to hear! Best of luck!

jkkke:
Hey thankyou for the feedback on my last draft helped my understanding of discovery better. I've changes the thesis to match my half yearly question was wondering about how you said start each paragraph with discovery text, I tried to but felt like I was repeating myself I tried to incorporating the text and question into the first line. Also realised I say this ....... a lot and was wondering for any ways to avoid this. My teacher said to add in a brief 1-2 sentence intro to each text but I cant really fit it in as my word limit is already 1100 words, is there any places I could cut it down? Tanks heaps :}

aamyylouiisee:
Could you please tell me if my structure is good so far, if its any good and if I need to focus on anything!

elysepopplewell:

--- Quote from: jkkke on March 09, 2016, 05:50:09 pm ---Hey thankyou for the feedback on my last draft helped my understanding of discovery better. I've changes the thesis to match my half yearly question was wondering about how you said start each paragraph with discovery text, I tried to but felt like I was repeating myself I tried to incorporating the text and question into the first line. Also realised I say this ....... a lot and was wondering for any ways to avoid this. My teacher said to add in a brief 1-2 sentence intro to each text but I cant really fit it in as my word limit is already 1100 words, is there any places I could cut it down? Tanks heaps :}

--- End quote ---

Hey! I'll specifically comment on the thesis and the intro the paragraphs this time so we can see what is and isn't working.
Here is your original essay:
SpoilerIndividuals may need to possess an inner power of power and resilience to overcome adversity in a way that leads to discoveries. These discoveries may be challenging but can also lead to new understandings of themselves and their surroundings. In the play ‘Away’ by Micheal Gow and the movie ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ by Jonathan Dayton, the characters discover their inner facades and materialistic views and go through challenges to overcome them, which ultimately leads them to a better understanding of life.
In the play “Away’, Gwen discovers that her way of thinking can be changed to value her family rather than an artificial perception of beauty which enhances her life. At the start of the film Gwen values materialistic possessions and stresses the smaller things in life which is demonstrated in her bitter tone ‘I hope no one expects to take any of my good towels to the beach. Throughout the play, Gwen reveal the reasons for her attitudes during an argument with her daughter Meg with emotive language ‘Sacrificed! Gone without. Gone through hardships so what happened to us will never happen to you. So you’ll never see what we saw- never, never, never’, this demonstrates Gwen’s experience throughout the depression which has carried her and led her to place money so highly she has become close minded which is damaging her relationships. After losing her possessions in the storm, it allows Gwen to reassess her priorities in life and when walking to the water with Jims says ‘No. Let’s walk. Come on, down to the water. The water’s so warm.’ The water is symbolic of Gwen’s change and she is now ready to cleanse herself and discover happiness and love. Throughout the play, Gwen discovers her materialistic views lead to her relationships being damaged and once discarding her artificial values she was able to build stronger relationships in her life seen in her heartfelt apology ‘I’m sorry…’ She therefore discovered a better understanding of herself after going through adversity.
In the film “Little Miss Sunshine’ Richard resembles Gwen as he discards his materialistic and artificial views and builds a stronger relationship with his family. In the opening scene of the film when Richard is delivering a speech the low angled close up shot of his passionate face saying ‘There are two types of people in this world. ‘Winners and losers’ which conveys that he is a stereotypical motivational speaker and puts on an enthusiastic fascade. When the family are eating ice cream Richard educates his daughter about the fat content in ice-cream with a close up shot ‘Olive, if you eat a lot of ice cream you might become fat’ this displays Richards’s commercial ideas as he is highly concerned about image .Throughout the movie Richard continues with his materialistic views as he  but after his father’s death he says ‘Are we winners or losers’ his tone revealing that he is starting to lose faith in his philosophy and no longer says it with conviction much like Gwen who loses conviction in her discriminatory comments. When Richard reconnects with his family he loses his false sense of beauty and the family all enjoy their unique attributes which is demonstrated as they all dance on stage to the background song ‘I’m a super freak. In the end Richard discovers the unimportance of outward appearances and begins to value inner beauty and relates to the people that surround him
In ‘Away’ and ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ the characters Coral and Dwayne both experience depression and do not fit in to the social norms of society. Coral is grief stricken from the death of her son in Vietnam which is revealed in her soliloquy ‘All these children playing and me sitting in the dark wiping away tears’, her inability to heal has created a rift between her and her husband. Coral tries to put on a facade that she is well and when speaking to Rick uses the repetition ‘I’m much better, much better’ which conveys that Coral is trying to conform to social expectations and convince herself and her husband that she is healing. During the play she meets Rick and Tom who help to rediscover her identity. Tom helps her to move on when they perform a play together that reflects understanding that she can no longer be with her so and must move. The figurative language ‘I’m walking!’,I’,m walking!’  Coral begins healing and reconciliation of her new self. Coral goes from being a grief stricken depressed Mum to rediscovering a new understanding of herself and not worry about conforming to society’s needs. She also found a relationship with Rick who helps her communicate with others better and strengthens her marriage with Roy. Coral and Roy went through challenges together which leads better understand each other and reinforces their relationship.
Dwayne in ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ is also depressed and disengaged from society. He ‘hates everyone which is conveyed in a close up shot of him purposely writing ‘I hate everyone’ and then angrily underlining ‘everyone’. The family embark on a road trip where they are forced to communicate and work together to get Olive to her beauty contest. Olive tests Dwayne for a colour-blindness test and reveals that he is colour-blind which is emphasised by Frank who says ‘You can’t fly jets if you’re colour-blind’ this destroys everything Dwayne has been working towards and was his only way to escape his dysfunctional family but as his family rediscovers their bond, he begins to accept the outcome. Dwayne and Frank discuss the struggles and depressions of life and a mid-shot of Dwayne yelling with conviction ‘Life is just one beauty contest after another. If I want to fly, I’ll fly’. This demonstrates Dwayne’s value to his family and their uniqueness discovers his drive to succeed despite the obstacles. Dwayne begins as an alienated, depressed teenager and discovers that regardless of obstacles and social norms he will find a way and will not give up. He also now values and appreciates his family who he now dances with after discovering a love for them.
To gain a better understanding of life and people that surround you, an individual must go through challenges to ultimately lead to a discovery. All the characters in these texts went through a discovery and found renewed perception of themselves which took inner courage. Gwen and Richard realised that family and friendships are important and not to worry about a false sense of beauty. Dwayne and Coral overcome depression and social norms to enjoy life and not care about social expectations. All characters emerge with a better understanding of the world and people in their lives. This has changed the way I now view the world as it conveys that if a person has the courage to overcome a challenge that happens in life it can lead to a new understanding of the world and offer a rediscovery of yourself.

Here is your introduction:
Individuals may need to possess an inner power of power and resilience to overcome adversity in a way that leads to discoveries. These discoveries may be challenging but can also lead to new understandings of themselves and their surroundings.

Each body paragraph needs a non-text related introduction that relates to discovery. You won't feel like you're repeating yourself if you take a slightly altered approach to the thesis as you go through. Also, use synonyms! You can also break up your essay body.

The first paragraph could be about individuals needing a power and resilience. The second paragraph could be about the challenging nature of these discoveries. The third paragraph could be about the new understandings. This would mean that you need an integrated essay.

Look at the rubric and feel really comfortable with it. This way, in an exam you are readily equipped with the words of the rubric so that you can throw them into your response in an exam.

Often, it isn't a good idea that students relate their thesis to the essay question before going in. I say this because, if you have a double-barrelled thesis statement ready, and then you get given an essay question to also guide your essay, you have enough variation in discovery vocabulary that you can feel like you're not repeating yourself. This was the technique I always took. So I would go into the exam with two thesis statements ready like what you have already. Then, when the essay question would come, I'd weave it through. This meant that I had something else to direct my paragraphs with other than the original thesis.

Now, this isn't easy. Which is why I think the best way to prepare is to have your two stand alone thesis statements, and then find past papers (or make up your own essay questions based on the rubric) and move through the essay seeing if you can incorporate that. This builds up the skill of incorporating on the spot.

If this sounds daunting to you, I suggest you prepare a third thesis statement that works as a supplement to the rest. You may not need to use this in the exam, but if you feel like you are repeating yourself throughout, you should use this as a way of giving yourself diversity.

You must start your body paragraph with a discovery sentence, it makes sure the marker knows that you know what you are talking about in terms of discovery!

Let me know if this makes sense to you. It is a daunting/big thing to do, but I think it is best. You can let me know what you think. Don't be afraid to message me again! :)

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