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elysepopplewell:

--- Quote from: aamyylouiisee on March 09, 2016, 10:07:38 pm ---Could you please tell me if my structure is good so far, if its any good and if I need to focus on anything!

--- End quote ---

Hey Amy!

Here is your essay so far:
SpoilerDiscovery refers to the process where existing knowledge is evaluated, challenged and rebuilt with new information. People must be able to open their minds to new ideas, beliefs and values. These discoveries may be emotional, physical and intellectual and may affected people differently. Each discovery has the potential to alter a person’s perspective of their own beliefs and values of the wider world. This discovery can be more climatic for the individual when they are faced with a challenge. In the SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” Raye and Racquel faced a challenge that was heightened in series 1 when they both faced the danger of becoming boat people. They also faced emotional trauma in the Marsudi home and then again with the relatives in the Kenyan refugee camp where they were able to evaluate and change their views on asylum seekers. In the short story “tri” it is not only the narrator who alters his perspective but it is also the reader as they both are confronted about the tragic consequences of racial bullying. We discover that both asylum seekers and the refugee “Tri” face prejudice and life threating situations on a daily basis.
BODY 1
The SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” is an important documentary because of the message and ideas it conveys about the refugees and ‘boat people’. This show is about six participants who were deliberately chosen because they had the ‘views’ of Australian people and where sent on a journey to find out what it was like to live like a refugee and a ‘boat person’. In the first episode Racquel clearly states her beliefs when she say’s “You go to Blacktown and it really is Blacktown. Africans everywhere. This clearly isn’t an aussie place anymore”.

Here are my annotations:
Discovery refers to the process where existing knowledge is evaluated, challenged and rebuilt with new information. AWESOME! People must be able to open their minds to new ideas, beliefs and values. These discoveries may be emotional, physical and intellectual and may affected people differently.If you mention emotional, physical and intellectual, you have to be sure that they will feature in the rest of the essay. Each discovery has the potential to alter a person’s perspective of their own beliefs and values of the wider world. This discovery can be more climatic for the individual when they are faced with a challenge. This introduction is different because I spend my time on here telling every person that they need to lengthen their discovery concepts in the intro. Here you are with four sentences! Each of your ideas of discovery are very rich. I do suggest that you try cut it to three. Your last sentence is quite short, so you can add it to the sentence introducing the textbook or you can connect it with the one that precedes it. In the SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” Raye and Racquel faced a challenge that was heightened in series 1 when they both faced the danger of becoming boat people. I would put "boat people" in speech marks. They also faced emotional trauma in the Marsudi home and then again with the relatives in the Kenyan refugee camp where they were able to evaluate and change their views on asylum seekers. If you had to cut a sentence from this paragraph it would be the one I put in italics. This is because it is story re-tell, and is better suited for a body paragraph.In the short story “tri” it is not only the narrator who alters his perspective but it is also the reader as they both are confronted about the tragic consequences of racial bullying. We discover that both asylum seekers and the refugee “Tri” face prejudice and life threating situations on a daily basis. People have different opinions about the inclusive first person in an AOS essay. To avoid conflicting opinions, I just left it out entirely in my own essay. You can replace "we" with readers.
BODY 1
You have so many statements above about discovery. You need to start your body paragraphs with a discovery related sentence. So you re-word your thesis statement (or weave in the essay question) into the start of each body paragraph. You choose the one that you will explore specifically in the paragraph.The SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” is an important documentary because of the message and ideas it conveys about the refugees and ‘boat people’. This show is about six participants who were deliberately chosen because they had the ‘views’ of Australian people and where sent on a journey to find out what it was like to live like a refugee and a ‘boat person’. In the first episode Racquel clearly states her beliefs when she say’s “You go to Blacktown and it really is Blacktown. Africans everywhere. This clearly isn’t an Aussie place anymore”.


Hopefully what I've said about the thesis statement makes sense! Each body paragraph should be directed by one in order to maximise the mark you leave on the reader regarding your understanding of DISCOVERY. However, the ideas your expressed in your introduction about discovery are so, so awesome. So you should definitely continue to use them throughout.

If you haven't already, here is an essay I wrote on GBTWYCF for the AOS essay! Glad to see someone else doing the same text, finally! :)

jamonwindeyer:

--- Quote from: katherine123 on March 19, 2016, 06:15:08 pm ---Hi this is part of my essay on away. Im having trouble in cutting down on words. This paragraph is meant to be 200 words but its 340 words. Please help me thanks!

--- End quote ---

Hey Katherine! I've done a quick annotation of your paragraph:

SpoilerSelf-awareness gained from introspective discovery is often resisted due to fear and trauma, however, it can be prompted through the interaction with new worlds and others. Great conceptual start, though try replacing the word prompted with something different, like encouraged? In Away, Gow demonstrates Gwen’s change in perception through her unexpected loss of her materialistic possessions, which triggers an emotional discovery of her own callous and pessimistic attitude that has fractured her family relationships. Gwen’s obsession with finding security in material things stems from her traumatic experience of poverty during the Great Depression of the 1960s, which has distorted her views. Don't focus on the characters in the text, focused on how they are represented by Gow. This is exemplified in her hyperbolic tone, "We've got a new caravan…everything in it you could want" which highlights her belief that materialistic pursuits are the key to discovering happiness. Gwen is critical of Tom’s socioeconomic status, where she informs Meg that “No one asked them to come out to this country…I will not have you hanging around with that kind of life”. Gwen’s use of high modality language and a spiteful tone, convey that she is principally driven by fears of economic insecurity and thus imposes her prejudicial attitude onto on her daughter. It is not until the dramatic storm, a symbolic manifestation of chaos but also renewal, that strips away Gwen’s possessions, shattering her sense of material security, rendering her vulnerable. After she discovers Tom’s impending death, she experiences anagnorisis, and becomes aware of her abrasive manner and condescension that have allowed her to reduce relationships to mere possessions. Her moment of self-reflection is portrayed through her apologetic, humbled conversation with Jim, “I’m sorry”, and accumulated rhetorical questions "what do you think of me? You must hate me?...”. Gwen’s transformation is captured through the stage direction which marks the reconciliation of her family, whereby Meg helps Gwen by "carr[ying] in the suitcases" and Jim "embrace(s)" Gwen. These kind and affectionate gestures communicate the family’s cohesion and reconciliation after Gwen discovers the lasting significance of love beyond material worth. Through a process of re-evaluating her values, she realises that relationships cannot be reduced to mere possessions, thus culminating in a renewed perspective. Excellent conclusion!

I like this paragraph, but remember the focus should be on composer choice, not the characters themselves! It should always be the COMPOSER's use of TECHNIQUE, not the characters. To cut back, look for the sentences where you have focused on the composer (Gow) and his choices which convey meaning. The rest becomes non-essential, either scrap them or work on them some more to get the analysis there! This should hopefully have the natural side effect of trimming the fat a little bit for you.

Paigeyy:
Hey hi. Firstly I want to thank you for doing this! This whole site in specific has literally been the most helpful thing in regards to prep for half yearlies.
The concerns I have with my essay are the intro. I don't believe I have a strong introduction and I'm not sure whether I've linked my thesis to each of the paragraphs.
The question we had to answer was along the lines of;
"How have the composers of both your prescribed text and related text conveyed the concept of discovery?"

Thank you!

elysepopplewell:

--- Quote from: Paigeyy on March 20, 2016, 09:47:16 am ---Hey hi. Firstly I want to thank you for doing this! This whole site in specific has literally been the most helpful thing in regards to prep for half yearlies.
The concerns I have with my essay are the intro. I don't believe I have a strong introduction and I'm not sure whether I've linked my thesis to each of the paragraphs.
The question we had to answer was along the lines of;
"How have the composers of both your prescribed text and related text conveyed the concept of discovery?"

Thank you!

--- End quote ---

Hey Paige! I'm really thrilled that ATAR Notes is helping you, it makes me really happy and makes what we do worth it!

What I'll do here, is specifically look at your intro, then I'll highlight where I see your thesis in the paragraphs!

Intro:
The thematic (I'm just not sure about thematic? protean? diverse? versatile? Thematic doesn't do justice, I think) nature of discovery results in its existence in every aspect of the world and its inhabitants. They are often the catalyst for an individual’s shift in identity and perspectives, having the potential to shape the way we view the world. (Excellent use of rubric here). While these revelations may come to those who seek new knowledge, sometimes new truths are thrown upon an individual who will then interpret and adapt these to their existing understandings. These discoveries can appear in a myriad of forms that are either isolated or in collaboration with one another. (At this point, in the essay you sent me, there was a break between this first and second part of the intro. This should all be one)The late Che Guevara explores these concepts in his travel memoire, The Motorcycle Diaries. Che and his friend Alberto journey across Latin America as their curiosity leads them to unanticipated discoveries. The blog Humans of New York, composed by Brandon Stanton, exposes the collateral damage of the Syrian war on individuals who have since fled (This sentence here needs a mention of the word discovery). Both of these texts explore discovery and its impact on the individual, extending to challenge the responder in regard to their preconceived views.  In all, this is an excellent introduction. What I absolutely LOVE is that you are fleshing out discovery as being versatile before you even touch the texts. This is exactly what is required of an AOS introduction!

Here are the thesis statements that start your paragaphs:
"The accumulation of multiple discoveries as a result of exploring new terrain, both physically and mentally, can contribute to the development of an individual’s identity." What would be really cool, is embedding the identity idea into the introduction, just by adding it to one of the sentences. That would make a clearer link! This thesis statement is awesome.

"While an individual can unexpectedly stumble across a discovery, sometimes the discovery is sought after in order to expand on one’s knowledge and understanding of new concepts." This one is a little more confusing. I'm not sure how it is that the person unexpectedly stumbles across something that they are seeking? You might have to tweak the words a little here to make this idea clearer.

"Discoveries are not subject to one single form and it is often that one kind of discovery will lead to new perspectives on other levels, such as emotional, spiritual, tangible and intangible." Very good!

"Sometimes the discovery of an individual forces a drastic change in their way of life, and not necessarily for the best." This is interesting, because it talks about discovery being in a negative light even though I hadn't gotten that feeling from your introduction, that you were going to talk about a negative discovery? So at this point I would go back to the intro, make sure it is encompassing of all that you want to discuss, whilst still leaving enough for you to touch on in a new voice later on!


Thanks for getting in contact, hopefully this makes sense and you understand what I'm saying. If not, definitely post back and I will rephrase my suggestions :)

Paigeyy:
Thank you so much for giving me criticism! It helped a lot and it was super encouraging to hear that you liked it. I understood all your critique and I've made adjustments. :)

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