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Free AOS essay Marking!
jamonwindeyer:
--- Quote from: pikachu975 on September 21, 2017, 01:14:36 am ---Thanks heaps! So would you recommend just changing the analysis and stuff rather than changing the quotes? Also if I understand what you're saying, you're saying to focus more on what each technique says about discovery in general rather than what each technique says about the text?
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Yep that's 100% right. Yeah I think for the most part your quotes are good! As you cut textual detail, you may shorten a few of them, you really only need the snippet with the technique in it ;D
theblackswan:
Can you have a look at this rough intro? Thanks!
Essay Questions: To what extent do the texts you have studied reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovery?
The sense of unfamiliarity consequential to experiencing a discovery is what generates doubt in an individuals's current perceptions. Although the emotional impact differs from person to person and is partly determined by how conflicting the discovery is with our current views, the evolution of perceptions is a common intellectual response experienced by most individuals. The implantation of doubt forces us to reassess the worth of our views and construct new ones. These notions are depicted in the film 'The Black Swan' (2010) by Aronofvsky and the 1995 memoir 'The Motorcycle Diaries' by Che Guevara. While the 'Black Swan' places an emphasis on how emotions evoked by discoveries can grow to control a person's decisions, 'The Motorcycle Diaries' directs a more intimate focus on the capacity for discoveries to transform a person and its effect on the individual' future. Regardless, both texts agree on the notion that the emotional component is a short term consequence which in turn stimulates a long term intellectual response involving the reconstruction of new beliefs.
bsdfjnlkasn:
--- Quote from: theblackswan on September 21, 2017, 11:20:31 pm ---Can you have a look at this rough intro? Thanks!
Essay Questions: To what extent do the texts you have studied reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovery?
The sense of unfamiliarity consequential to experiencing a discovery is what generates doubt in an individuals's current perceptions. Although the emotional impact differs from person to person and is partly determined by how conflicting the discovery is with our current views, the evolution of perceptions is a common intellectual response experienced by most individuals. The implantation of doubt forces us to reassess the worth of our views and construct new ones. These notions are depicted in the film 'The Black Swan' (2010) by Aronofvsky and the 1995 memoir 'The Motorcycle Diaries' by Che Guevara. While the 'Black Swan' places an emphasis on how emotions evoked by discoveries can grow to control a person's decisions, 'The Motorcycle Diaries' directs a more intimate focus on the capacity for discoveries to transform a person and its effect on the individual' future. Regardless, both texts agree on the notion that the emotional component is a short term consequence which in turn stimulates a long term intellectual response involving the reconstruction of new beliefs.
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Hey there! Hope these comments are of good use to you :)
The sense of unfamiliarity consequential what do you mean by this? If I've interpreted this correctly, maybe rephrasing the same idea into something simpler like, "The unknown consequences of experiencing..." will really help your marker process the thesis. It's great and deserves to make the best impression it can straight away :) to experiencing a discovery is what generates doubt doubt is a good thing to discuss because it is both intellectual and emotional in an individuals's current perceptions of what? You may not need this last bit of the sentence :) . Although the emotional impact differs from person to person and is partly determined by how conflicting the discovery is with our current views great use of synonyms! Really shows that you're giving your own interpretation of the rubric, the evolution of perceptions is a common intellectual response experienced by most individuals instead of writing "common" and "most" you could simplify by saying "the evolution of perceptions is a common intellectual response to discoveries that conflict with an individual's current values" (this also joins the previous sentence with this one, helping you produce a more succinct intro) . The implantation of doubt forces us to reassess the worth of our views and construct new ones great!. These notions are depicted in the film 'The Black Swan' (2010) by I like to include their first name too :), also maybe introduce the prescribed first and then the related Aronofvsky and the 1995 memoir 'The Motorcycle Diaries' by Che Guevara. While the 'Black Swan' Instead of focusing on the texts, step out of them and discuss what the composers are doing, because they're the ones representing different ideas about discovery places an emphasis on how emotions evoked by discoveries can grow to control a person's decisions, 'The Motorcycle Diaries' directs a more intimate focus on the capacity for discoveries to transform a person and its effect on the individual' future good comparison, flows really nicely. Regardless, both texts agree on the notion that the emotional component is a short term consequence which in turn stimulates a long term intellectual response involving the reconstruction of new beliefs.
Overall, great work! You're clearly answering the question and adding your own twist which adds sophistication :). I like how you develop your ideas and introduce your texts in one swift go it helps the marker get a real sense of what you're going to discuss and sets you up for a killer essay.
Let me know if anything was unclear, because I am more than happy to help clarify ;D
jamonwindeyer:
--- Quote from: blasonduo on September 20, 2017, 06:12:50 pm ---Hello! I did not do well in AOS, and thought why not ask for advice ^_^
This is basically what I wrote in trials (fixed some spelling :P ) and it gave me a 10/15 in my trial paper, and I'd love for you to point out the weak arguments :)
How would I improve?
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Hey! Happy to help out, your essay is attached with comments in bold :)
SpoilerThe process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
How is this perspective on discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Discoveries can reveal emotions or greedy desires that can destroy the integrity of the characters which transforms both the character’s and the audience’s outlook on the world. This is a fairly text focused Thesis, it is focusing a lot on characters. This sort of locks you in to a text-focused discussion rather than a conceptual one. I like the idea, but try and make it broader and more conceptual. This can lead to new values and ideas which can reflected upon by reconsidering past events. Through the film Life of Pi by Ang Lee and the poem “I wandered as lonely as a cloud” By william Wordsworth, we, the audience are also challenged with these new ideas which engage us to discover a deepened understanding of ourselves. Overall, a solid introduction. Slightly conceptualising your arguments would be beneficial.
In “Life of Pi”, Discoveries can reveal emotions or greedy desires that can destroy the integrity of the characters which transforms both the character’s and the audience’s outlook on the world. Ensure that your paragraph topics aren't exact copies of your Thesis - They should delve a little deeper, explore some more specific aspect. Pi discovers a new identity of what was initially hidden in him, being his aggression and survival attributes “Hunger can change everything you ever thought you knew about yourself.” This shows how hunger is willing to consume Pi and reveals his new desperation for survival. This disguised allegory symbolizes Pi’s transition into beast, that reveals that Pi had to change his identity between man and beast in order to survive. This analytical approach is quite arduous - Quote takes a whole sentence, this is what the quote reveals, oh and this is the technique that is used. Try and get the quote and technique in the same sentence (best for flow), then explain what it achieves after that. Also be sure to talk about consequences broadly, not just what it reveals about Pi. Through this, we are able to compare these new attributes to Richard Parker, where we, the audience watch two contrasting worlds clash, a symbol of Pi’s contrasting thoughts which leaves an overall different identity and portrays Pi’s change into Richard Parker, which is driven by his hunger. That sentence was a little confusing to read. “You’re seeing your own emotions reflected back in his eyes.” and the constant shots viewed from Richard Parker’s perspective allows the audience to attach emotionally and physically into this new world of Pi’s psychological conflict, and to sympathise with him. Good recognition of the audience impact - Make sure every quote has a technique. It is only when Pi’s integrity has been lost, does he realise the world he has been living in. Retell. “He brought the evil out in me, and I have to live with that” The metaphor and emotive tone with the close-up of Pi’s face supports and highlights the emotional distress Pi is facing. Quotes taking their own sentence is impacting quite heavily on the logical flow of your arguments, because you stop entirely to just read a quote - Try and embed it into your sentences. As Richard Parker leaves Pi’s life, the colours fade, compared to the first fish killed by Pi, resembles both purity and beauty being drawn out of life. This comparison needs to be drawn out more - Watch for retell. The use of sparse colours with the absence of Richard Parker shows that even though Pi’s worst attributes were revealed by him, these attributes were required to stay alive but are no longer needed, a symbol of a part of Pi is being abandoned, yet forever lingering in his life shown through the close up of Pi sobbing. Sentence a tad too long - What does it reveal to the audience about DISCOVERY? Through these change in emotions and desires, Pi is able to explore a different perception on himself and the world which draws us, the reader to explore this new personality. Some good ideas, but too text focused (character focused) - You can tell because the word 'Discovery' or similar isn't mentioned beyond the introduction!
Secondly, These new discoveries lead to new values, ideas or perspectives which can reflected upon about the future or by reconsidering past events. After Pi’s journey and losing an important aspect of his life, “The world lost its enchantment” You need to link this quote to what you are saying, instead of just having it sit there without a logical link or joining word for flow. The metaphor and vivid imagery explores Pi’s newfound independence and explores his new perspective on life; bland and miserable. But what does it reveal about how discoveries lead to new values? You need to go BEYOND the character, Pi is just a puppet. Pi’s new discovery links to the abandonment of identity through the abandonment of Richard Parker. “I wept like a child, not because I was overwhelmed that having survived, I was weeping because richard parker left me so unceremoniously, it broke my heart.” The emotive tone exemplifies the impact of past experiences and how past discoveries can evoke emotional conflict while the personification of the broken heart further portrays Pi’s emotional conflict with his past experiences especially with his newfound self. First part of this analysis, the 'evoke emotional conflict bit,' is great. It is taking a technique and saying what it represents about past experiences. Good stuff. From this, Pi is able to adapt to new values and to have a deepened understanding of himself and others, especially through others. Retell. “I never was able to thank my father, for all I learnt from him, to tell him without his lessons, I never would have survived.” The dialogue portrays a broken link in Pi’s past, and how reconsidering these events can spark new values and perspectives in his life. Go beyond the character! Through this, the audience is able to grasp the difficulties in certain discoveries and how a rediscovery has a transformative potential to the character. This was a better analytical paragraph, but we are still focusing heavily on the character. You need to abstract and focus on concepts - There was a glimpse of this in the middle there!
Similarly, The title, “I wandered as lonely as a cloud” uses both personification to portray emotionally the loneliness of the cloud to the author to express their perception and ideas on the world, he has the freedom to do whatever he wants, but is unable to discover his identity in the world. You need to properly introduce your new text, you can't transition straight into more analysis. Every paragraph needs an introduction. Even just, "Similarly, the poem ______ also portrays ______." Simple, but it needs to be there. Through the discovery of place, the author is able to shape their understanding of life, which changes their emotional standing and outlook on life. “I saw a crowd, A host of golden daffodils; Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.” The personification of the daffodils dancing, gives an atmosphere of flow and rhythm, portraying them as majestic. If you are only highlighting the dancing daffodils, you should just use that bit of the quote. The "I saw a crowd" bit is probably unnecessary - Trying to save you some work! The daffodils symbolise society as a whole, where the human-like nature explores the new outlook the author has, contrasting to their sense of loneliness and isolation to society portrayed at the beginning. “They stretched in never-ending line … Ten thousand saw I at a glance” The hyperbole communicates the newfound emotions of the author, he is overwhelmed with the daffodils and their beauty. But what does it reveal about Discovery? The use of “Glee” and “jocund” adds emotive language to the whole experience, which vividly express the powerful image the author saw and how it made him feel human, he discovered a new world, which offered him new perceptions of the world of nature and himself, which results in new values and identity and through this, a sense of tranquility and contentment is expressed to the audience. Be sure your paragraphs are definitively concluded, there should be a separate sentence saying, "Thus, this is what I've proved."
Discovery can be hidden, taking interpretation and deep thoughts before being discovered, which can only be discovered through his personal experience and values. “I gazed—and gazed—but little thought”. The repetition of “gazed” explores the lack of discovery, especially with the importance. It was only later with a “vacant mind” does this discovery transform the author’s perspective on life and society both mentally and emotionally. Rediscoveries can be found through the same past experiences, which can evoke past emotional memories “then my heart with pleasure fills”. The discovery made him able to understand himself and his self-worth in life, and deepens his understanding of himself. Is this supposed to be a separate paragraph? Definitely doesn't substantiate being separate - Obviously you've got time constraints which could have prevented you getting everything down but if possible I'd embed this analysis elsewhere, or fill out the paragraph :)
For a text to truly engage its audience, it must first challenge the audience with new perspectives, values or ideas in which we are able to discover ourselves. Both texts effectively engage the audience in a vivid, yet distinct way. Your conclusion needs to link more specifically to the question, and reintroduce the texts. Use the same phrasing from the question to make those links clear.
I think you've got the pieces of a great essay here - Lots of textual references, good conceptual ideas. But they are being held back by a very character focused approach - You aren't linking to Discovery, you are linking to character experiences and what the characters are Discovering. This isn't a conceptual approach - You need to take the techniques the composer uses and say what they reveal to the audience about Discovery on the whole. You did it briefly in one sentence:
“I wept like a child, not because I was overwhelmed that having survived, I was weeping because richard parker left me so unceremoniously, it broke my heart.” The emotive tone exemplifies the impact of past experiences and how past discoveries can evoke emotional conflict while the personification of the broken heart further portrays Pi’s emotional conflict with his past experiences especially with his newfound self.
See that bold bit? That's linking a technique to a Discovery idea. THAT is what you need. Cut out the unnecessary character detail, and shorten the quote, and you get:
The composers use of emotive tone in, "I wept like a child... It broke my heart," exemplifies the impact of past experiences and how past discoveries can evoke emotional conflict.
^^ That is a 15/15 sentence. Notice also I've actually acknowledged the quote in the sentence, it has a place, versus just having it sit there in its own sentence. I've also shortened the quote to get the good bits that show my technique, and no extra. Short, sweet, conceptual, powerful. That is what you are striving for ;D
My comments throughout should cover the rest of my thoughts - Let me know if I can clarify anything. Good stuff! ;D
theblackswan:
Can you have a look at my intro please? I wrote it on the spot but I've altered it a little so that you wouldn't be frightened of how much I've managed to butcher the art of writing essays! :P
Questions: "Discovery allows us to view the hidden experience as a common, human experience." (I really didn't know what to put)
The plethora of discoveries encountered when individuals endeavour to seek out the unfamiliarity that cannot be experienced in their comfort zones is an element shared by all of humanity. It is the curiosity present within all individuals which creates the desire to explore the unknown. The human experience is partly characterised by exposure to new environments and this process is propagated by a personal desire to connect with what is usually hidden. The unpredictable nature of discoveries can be emotionally and intellectually stimulating and it is this which prompts the emergence of new perceptions of the world in humans. These notions are explored in Darren Arofnovksy's film 'The Black Swan' (2010) and memoir 'Motorcycle Diaries' by Che Guevara. Both composers exhibit how discoveries connect all humans in the respect that they form part of an individual's emotional and intellectual development.
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