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October 21, 2025, 10:52:28 pm

Author Topic: Free AOS essay Marking!  (Read 239294 times)

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jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #165 on: August 04, 2016, 08:44:52 am »
Hey guys,

Can someone please direct me to where the feedback for my essay is. I can't seem to find it.
I posted it a while ago, it's on page 9.
Did I skip a page or overlook it somewhere?
Or is trials making me go crazy and see things hahaha

Thanks :)

Hey Isaac! I can't see it either, it may have gotten missed, I did a big mark run until 3:30am the night after you posted so my tired self probably overlooked it, sorry! I'll mark it for you ASAP ;D thanks for the heads up!

isaacdelatorre

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #166 on: August 04, 2016, 12:50:15 pm »
Ahaha thanks man, don't worry about it. AOS has flown out of  my mind right now.
I've already done improved essays than what i submitted.
Is it possible if i just retract that one, and submit another essay instead later?

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elysepopplewell

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #167 on: August 04, 2016, 01:02:26 pm »
Hey guys,
English is my biggest struggle and if you could give me some feedback on how to improve on my AOS essay, it would help tremendously.
Not sure what I'm meant to be doing with this tbh, but here's an essay that I wrote that I'm sure is too long.
Thank you so much!!! you guys are life savers

Discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known – discuss with detailed reference to the prescribed text and ONE related

Hey Isaac! Sorry about the delay, but thanks for bringing it back up! We'd hate for you to suffer silently :)

My comments are in bold font in the spoiler:
Spoiler
The process of discovery is a two pronged method which allows us to uncover confronting secrets of the universe, that were previously unknown, as a result of careful and deliberate planning evoked by curiosity or wonder. I'm unsure about two pronged - I just imagined a snake's tongue. I think the words are a bit too rough for the thesis statement. Do you mean two stages? In which case, twofold might be a good idea. Or if you mean that the ramifications can go one of two ways, consider rewording again. So this would read something like, "Discovery is a dual stage process which may lead to the uncovering of confronting and previously unknown secrets of the universe, as a result of careful and deliberate planning evoked by curiosity and wonder. This then brings us to a really long thesis statement. So consider breaking it up. I know this is a lot to take in for just one sentence, but manipulating it enough will give you a really amazing start to your essay! Happy to flesh out the thesis more with you if that would be helpful! These discoveries are often reconsidered once they are fully understood and they may renew perceptions of the world around us. Simon Nasht’s 2004 documentary Frank Hurley, the Man Who Made History depicts this binate process through recounting Hurley’s metamorphic expeditions to Antarctica and World War I. Likewise, J.K. Rowling’s 2008 speech The Fringe Benefits of Failure and the Importance of Imagination also depicts this process through the exploration of unconventional perspectives concerning failure and imagination. Interesting related text! Very cool! In the evaluated texts, the respective composers undergo this two pronged process, Consider rephrasing again :) in which the audience vicariously discovers what was previously unknown, allowing them to reconsider previous assumptions and realise new ideas. A really really solid finish to the introduction! I wouldn't change this.

When discovering aspects of the universe that were previously unknown, a transformation may occur, that may force us to reconsider previous assumptions in order to embrace our renewed perceptions of the world. Awesome! Hurley experiences an unexpected intellectual discovery of the power Good link to the "intellectual" part of the syllabus!!!!!! and beauty of nature on his Antarctic expedition which impacts his perception of the world. Nasht’s repetition of panning shots showing a diversity of beautiful natural landscapes, highlights the overwhelming significance that this unknown aspect of the natural world has on him. Hurley reconsiders his suburban life but embraces the newfound importance and beauty of the natural world exemplified by Nasht’s utilisation of juxtaposition within a voice over “City boy was stunned by the power of nature.” Hurley’s newfound curiosity catalyses his discovery of the immense power nature, which he reflects upon and considers his own mortality as the natural world hyperbolically, “more than once nearly got them killed.” This confronting discovery of the human condition within humanity’s insignificance against nature, is highlighted by a super wide shot of two tiny, anonymous figures juxtaposed to the enormous, white landscape; reinforced by diegetic sounds of strong, rushing wind. Responders, triggered by Hurley’s discoveries and Nasht’s frequent use of collective pronouns, vicariously uncover what was previously unknown to them and reconsider what is known, having renewed perceptions of humanity’s insignificance. Wonderful!!!“What three insignificant microbes of life we are” epitomises Hurley’s transformation as he reconsiders humanity’s superiority and embraces humanity’s insignificance; apparent in the existentialist tone that juxtaposes his previous positive attitude towards nature and discovery.

Similar to Hurley’s discovery of the power of nature, which causes existential conclusions of humanity’s insignificance, Rowling invites responders to consider the culturally unpopular view of failure as a method of discovering or realising our full potential. Rowling uses her lowered head and hyperbolised anecdotal failures which climax in “I was the biggest failure I knew” to juxtapose the joyous tone at her discovery that failure “became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life … I was set free.” The motif of freedom emphasises her realisation of what was previously unknown; provocative as she describes it as a “liberating discovery, worth more than any qualification I ever earned.” This hyperbole engages the responders of her specific context of Harvard graduates, inviting her audience to undergo this same discovery. Rowling’s perspective of failure challenges negative societal connotations of failure, which is what she believed before her discovery, established through hyperboles I think just "hyperbole" works. of, “What I feared most was failure.” Rowling reconsiders this negative perspective and is ultimately transformed, having renewed perceptions of the benefits and importance of failure. The importance of failure, previously unknown, is reflected upon now as a method of realising our true potential, reinforced through second person within “Responsibility lies with you… you will never know yourself without failing.” Thus, composers present their own discoveries of what was previously hidden, which are reconsidered as they challenge values within their social/historical contexts; simultaneously inviting the audience to do the same.

Discovery I think you're accidentally personifying discovery here. I think "discoverying" may work, and I'd keep it in low modality like, "Discovering/The process of discovery may uncover hidden secrets of the world which can prompt a reconsideration of previously esteemed assumptions, thus renewing worldly perceptions." I think this way you increase the sophistication of the language a bit, and manage to shorten the sentence a little too.uncovers hidden secrets of the world which can make us reconsider our previous assumptions of society before resulting in renewed perceptions of the world around us. Nasht depicts his own discovery of Hurley’s manipulation through repetition of shots, layering images of WWI to create a fabricated image; whilst also revealing the photo’s impact on broader society. Hurley’s discovery is a result of necessity in which “There was a gulf between what he saw, and what was captured on the glass plates” using metaphors and voice over to establish Hurley’s motives for manipulation. This fabrication presents to responders the dichotomy between creativity and reality, by paradoxically manipulating photographs to capture the truth of war, challenging societal opinions on the matter. Awesome! This is seriously impressive! Hurley’s discovery has repercussions on responders and society more broadly, who become aware of manipulation and must reconsider previous assumptions regarding the media in an empirical quest for truth, even questioning the veracity of the film itself. Nasht presents juxtaposing perspectives regarding the photographs authenticity, highlighting the impact of the manipulated photos on society. Intertextual interviews achieve this dichotomy, heightened through hyperbolised pejorative expressions in “Conjuror with a camera” juxtaposed by “transcend art and history … becomes both.” Nasht uncovers both sides of the controversial discussion and allows responders to reconsider what they know of photography and come to their own conclusions regarding Hurley’s images.

Unlike Nasht’s “on the fence” attitude towards Hurley’s works and their repercussions on society, Rowling presents her unconventional view of the unrecognised importance of imagination, condemning those who do not choose to undergo this discovery.  Rowling’s provocative discovery of the unrecognised importance of imagination is presented to the audience, highlighting how without imagination we are oblivious and ignorant of the world around us. “They choose to remain within the bounds of their own experience … they refuse to hear screams … they refuse to hear screams … they can close their minds and hearts … they can refuse to know” depicts, through third person accumulation, those who do not know of the importance of imagination, unlike Nasht who presents both sides of the controversial issue. Attitudes which place low value on imagination in modern, contemporary society are established through “many prefer not to exercise their imaginations at all”. However, like how Hurley challenges societal attitudes that oppose him, Rowling challenges societal assumptions of what is known, through her own discovery; reconsidering these attitudes before coming to the metaphoric conclusion that “the unimaginative see more monsters, they are often more afraid,” condemning those who do not embrace her discovery. What you do best, I think, is relating everything to discovery. Everything has a purpose and everything is linked back to discovery. I know that sounds like an obvious thing to do, but it's just not something that people do! You're doing it so perfectly. Rowling reconsiders this discovery, coming to the conclusion of it’s positive repercussions which collective pronouns within “we do not need magic to change the world … we have the power to imagine” which affirm her transformation. However, Rowling realises that her social and personal context as an author has altered her discovery and made her realise the importance of imagination to her exclusively, as without imagination, she metaphorically “would never have succeeded in the arena [she] belonged.” Through the confronting discovery that the protagonists undergo and their subsequent transformation which allows them to reconsider what is previously known, forming a heightened sense of the world around them, additionally impacting their respective audience who undergo this same two pronged process.

Confronting discoveries of aspects of the world that were originally hidden may challenge contextual attitudes, provoking new worlds and ideas which cause us to reconsider our previous assumptions of the world. From this reconsideration, we are transformed and enlightened from our previous state, with renewed perceptions of our place within the world; completing the process of discovery. It's awesome how you have given two sentences to discussing discoveries without at all mentioning the texts, that's really important. Nasht presents confronting discoveries that are deliberately planned, stemming from curiosity and wonder in his documentary Frank Hurley, the Man Who Made History. Similarly, Rowling depicts contextual assumptions that oppress her provocative discoveries, causing transformation after embracing her discoveries in The Fringe Benefits of Failure and the Importance of Imagination

To me, this is a band six response. With the adjustment of the thesis statement, I don't see a reason why you haven't set yourself up for success. I don't believe this is your biggest struggle at all! Or maybe you're just a genius at the rest :)
Please feel free to bring up more about the thesis if you like and we can work through that. Once that is down pat, the sophistication is confirmed in the opening, and the rest will follow!
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elysepopplewell

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #168 on: August 04, 2016, 01:03:22 pm »
Ahaha thanks man, don't worry about it. AOS has flown out of  my mind right now.
I've already done improved essays than what i submitted.
Is it possible if i just retract that one, and submit another essay instead later?

Sorry! I started marking your essay before you posted this! Have a look at the comments, and see if they comply with what you've fixed up yourself? Let me know! :)
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jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #169 on: August 04, 2016, 01:25:38 pm »
Ahaha thanks man, don't worry about it. AOS has flown out of  my mind right now.
I've already done improved essays than what i submitted.
Is it possible if i just retract that one, and submit another essay instead later?

That essay was posted under the old post requirement scheme, so you are eligible to post another essay whenever you wish (our bad for stuffing up)  ;D

jelin_queen

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #170 on: August 06, 2016, 03:44:52 pm »
hey guys,
could someone just mark my Area of Study essay on The Tempest and my related text The Boy in Striped Pyjamas thank you  :) :)

The nature of discovery entails a journey that provides individuals with the opportunity to access concealed truths of human nature, that can be sought or serendipitous, which leads to the acquisition of greater knowledge, unprecedented perceptions or reconsider values consequently altering the ramification of an individual. In the texts of the tempest and TBISP, it is seen that both composers textually elucidates their own meaningful discoveries that have been manifested from their own desire to re-evaluate assumptions and unveil fresh insights into humanity’s moral flaws that have been suppressed by formidable events. However the extent to which the composer’s individual discoveries transform the values and perceptions of society depends on their context and the two texts can be compared in this perspective. Ultimately, both composers offer audiences profound insight into the ways in which the process of discovery can lead to spiritual emergent and transform individuals who seek to uncover confronting truths of humanity’s moral weakness.
 The social structures explored in the tempest are disrupted of order that’s symbolized by the storm which serve as a catalyst for meaningful discoveries as individuals challenged the need for positive values. Within the opening scene of the play, Prospero a vengeful political exile conjures a storm that ensnares his enemies with magic, through the assistance of his magical spirit Ariel, to bring forth those who have wronged him. Although with the occurrence of Prospero’s daughter Miranda and his enemy’s son Ferdinand subsequent marriage it has enlightened and made him aware of the need to liberate and reconcile which has been previously concealed. Ariel shamed his master to forgive his rivals through the effective use of dialogue: “ARIEL: your charm so strongly works ‘em that if you now beheld them, your affections would become tender. PROSPERO: Dost thou think so, spirit? ARIEL: Mine would sir, were I human, PROSPERO: And mine shall”. Prospero’s desire for revenge wilts and the sudden and unexpected discovery that his enemies have encountered by his actions shows that the concept of discovery may uncover hidden and meaningful ideas which offer renewed perceptions of others.

Discoveries can be fresh and intensely significant in ways that have an emotional and physical effect on the characters within the play. Occurrences experienced by the female protagonist Miranda condense the concept of discovery through uncovering what is hidden in relation to her exposure to a new kind of love. With the arrival of the survivors from the shipwreck that begin to populate the island,  Miranda discovers a socially foreign world that she has only vaguely depicted from her father’s retellings and her emotions begin to expand. She discovers a romantic significant other Ferdinand the son of the king of Naples who has been selected by Prospero for the chance to return to his kingdom. Miranda relates her discovery of Ferdinand ‘I would not wish any companion in the world but you’, which refers to a biblical illusion of Adam and Eve as they perceived their discovery a thing of wonder, with Prospero portrayed as a god like figure wandering through the garden and overhearing on his creatures. Shakespeare evidently remarks on the human nature of individuals while utilising Miranda, Ferdinand and Prospero to explicitly convey the idea to the audience that true love can emerge from deliberate and careful planning. Therefore through Miranda’s exposure to romantic love the notion of uncovering what is hidden in relation to discovery is exemplified.
The discovery of a hidden world can lead to new attitudes and values which can become a harmful ramification that can be imposed on the protagonist. The key ideologies of discovery in the boy in the striped pyjamas revolve around a son of a Nazi commandment Bruno who longs for a sense of exploration of his new surrounding that leads him to the discovery of an unlikely friendship between a Jewish prisoner Shmuel. Foreshadowing is presented in this film as the smoke Bruno notices makes him ask Shmuel ‘What do you burn in those chimneys? Whatever it is it smells horrid!” and the tragic irony of his question is that he is unaware of the surrounding circumstances of war and the smoke emphasizes the idea of burning Jewish bodies by his father. Bruno was oblivious to the war he was encircled by and undeservedly experienced the tragedy of death that portrays discoveries can lead us to new worlds and possibilities that can have a negative and far reaching impact on an individual. On the contrary, in the Tempest the discovery of a relationship between Miranda and Ferdinand has conveyed reconciliation of Prospero and the King of Naples which illustrates that uncovering what is hidden can have a long lasting effect that can differ from each character.
Discoveries and discovering can offer new understandings and renewed perceptions of us and others which is a theme that is portrayed in equally the tempest and the boy in striped pyjamas.  The tempest revolves around the uncovering of emotional awareness whereas the boy in striped pyjamas unveils hidden aspects of the human circumstances and treatments of others. The process of discovery can encompass the uncovering of previously concealed or unknown elements as well as re-evaluating those already known.

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #171 on: August 06, 2016, 03:59:16 pm »
hey guys,
could someone just mark my Area of Study essay on The Tempest and my related text The Boy in Striped Pyjamas thank you  :) :)

Hey there! Thanks for posting your essay, and welcome to the forums!! Be sure to let me know if you need anything ;D

Unfortunately you have not met the posting requirements to receive feedback. We have a post exchange policy in place to make sure the service doesn't get too clogged (essay marking rules available here). It is 15 posts per essay,  so if you hang around the forums for a bit, ask a few questions and have a chat (make your first post here if you like), then you'll get there really quick! Just let me know when you reach the post count, thanks in advance!  ;D

jelin_queen

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #172 on: August 06, 2016, 06:03:49 pm »
hey :) I have reached 15 posts would you be able to mark my essay now? thank you

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #173 on: August 07, 2016, 01:43:51 am »
hey :) I have reached 15 posts would you be able to mark my essay now? thank you

Hey! Awesome work, thanks for that, but you'll need 30 posts if you want the essay and the creative marked (15 per response), do you have a preference as to which one you want done first while you get the other 15 posts you need?  ;D

skysailingaway

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #174 on: August 17, 2016, 10:01:07 pm »
Discoveries inevitably lead to new perceptions of the world, new vales and new understanding of ourselves and others

Discovery has the ability to withhold the experience of discovering something for the first time or rediscovering something. This can be something that leads to revaluation and changes in their character. It further enables individuals to renew their thinking patterns and gain insight into new understandings of not only themselves, but the world around them. This is evidently portrayed through William Shakespeare’s Elizabethan play, ‘The Tempest’ whereby the protagonists Prospero and Ferdinand undergo transformative revelations upon themselves and others, due to new experiences they they face. In reference to the related text, ‘Spirited Away’ by Hayako Miyazaki, transformative implications are depicted through protagonist, Chiro’s maturity as well as the disclosure of the Bath House spirits towards her. Both texts portray the concept of discovery through the revaluation of and new understandings of themselves. 
The Tempest, as its title suggests, depicts the passage of individuals through transformative revelations that alter their notions. This is shown through Propero’s aside “fair encounter of two most rare affections! Heavens rain grace on that which breathes between them”. The aside showcases the revelation as a intimate confession that Prospero makes, softening his heart towards the situation he encounters, and as a result, this eases him undergoing redemption towards his enemies Antonio and Alonso at this stage. The concept of discovery is further extenuated through his transformation as it leads him to reconsider whether or not he should undergo revenge. Ariels criticism of Propspero’s revenge plan, “Sir, if I were human”, is ironic as it displays Ariels humanity. Juxtaposition of Ariels human emotions and Prospero’s lack there of causes Prospero to question his own values as a human, thus leads him to discover a new approach towards his initial motivation.

any advice?

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #175 on: August 18, 2016, 10:02:11 am »
Discoveries inevitably lead to new perceptions of the world, new vales and new understanding of ourselves and others

Discovery has the ability to withhold the experience of discovering something for the first time or rediscovering something. This Thesis could do with a little bit of a tidy up, I'm not 100% sure what you are driving at. This can be something that leads to revaluation and changes in their character. It further enables individuals to renew their thinking patterns and gain insight into new understandings of not only themselves, but the world around them. Some more succinct expression would allow you to blend those two sentences together! It's important to try and be careful with word choice, for example, "This can lead to" over "This can be something that leads to" This is evidently portrayed through William Shakespeare’s Elizabethan play, ‘The Tempest’ whereby the protagonists Prospero and Ferdinand undergo transformative revelations upon themselves and others, due to new experiences they they face. In reference to the related text, ‘Spirited Away’ by Hayako Miyazaki, transformative implications are depicted through protagonist, Chiro’s maturity as well as the disclosure of the Bath House spirits towards her. Both texts portray the concept of discovery through the revaluation of and new understandings of themselves. Overall a solid introduction, just a bit of polish on the Thesis statements would raise your sophistication ;D

The Tempest, as its title suggests, depicts the passage of individuals through transformative revelations that alter their notions. Good conceptual start. This is shown through Propero’s aside “fair encounter of two most rare affections! Heavens rain grace on that which breathes between them”. The aside showcases the revelation as a intimate confession that Prospero makes, softening his heart towards the situation he encounters, and as a result, this eases him undergoing redemption towards his enemies Antonio and Alonso at this stage. What does this show the audience about the passage of individuals through transformative revelations? The concept of discovery is further extenuated through his transformation as it leads him to reconsider whether or not he should undergo revenge. This sentence doesn't really add much, you might consider removing it. Ariels criticism of Propspero’s revenge plan, “Sir, if I were human”, is ironic as it displays Ariels humanity. Thus revealing _____ about transformations? Be sure to continually link to the topic of your paragraph. Juxtaposition of Ariels human emotions and Prospero’s lack there of causes Prospero to question his own values as a human, thus leads him to discover a new approach towards his initial motivation.

I think the paragraphs are effective! The Thesis itself could do with a bit of a tidy up, just the expression throws me off a little. Furthermore, be sure that your concept resonates properly throughout your paragraph, AND that you do more than just retell events of the text. Don't slip into saying "This happened and this shows this about Discovery," keep the focus on techniques used by the composer and how they develop meaning for the audience ;D

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #176 on: August 18, 2016, 03:59:47 pm »
I've attached my discovery essay. Thanks for doing this  :)

skysailingaway

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #177 on: August 18, 2016, 08:17:48 pm »
Don't slip into saying "This happened and this shows this about Discovery," keep the focus on techniques used by the composer and how they develop meaning for the audience ;D

thank you for the advice!
~yes i do have a problem with retelling, i cannot seem to get myself out of it, is there a certain mindset to it?

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #178 on: August 18, 2016, 08:51:07 pm »
thank you for the advice!
~yes i do have a problem with retelling, i cannot seem to get myself out of it, is there a certain mindset to it?

Hey skysailingaway! Try to imagine that you're writing your essay to someone that knows your text INSIDE OUT. Your teacher/marker should be one of those people anyway. That means they don't need any details about the character's uncle's brother's cat that died or what the character ate for breakfast. They already know all of that. All they need is the nitty gritty analysis:)
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jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #179 on: August 19, 2016, 12:04:07 am »
thank you for the advice!
~yes i do have a problem with retelling, i cannot seem to get myself out of it, is there a certain mindset to it?

Literally exactly what Sarah said!! Just keep thinking; "Would I have to explain this to an actor who plays the lead role in this play?" If the author asked you what you thought about the themes, would you explain it the way you are now? Those sorts of thoughts will keep you on track ;D