Free AOS essay Marking!

[elysepopplewell]

Just wanted to say... Wow you guys are awesome. Went to your lecture yesterday to see Adv. English and Ancient and it was epic. You guys really know your stuff. Elyse cheers, learnt so much which my teacher hasn't taught us.
So this is my essay, I wanted to know what I could fix up, could you also please incorporate a mark out of 20 you would give me. Thanks.
I also incorporated some of Elyses tips from the lecture.

Rui's told you about the post limit above, but I want to say a big big thanks for coming to the lectures! Ash is stoked to hear that you enjoyed hers too! Kind words mean a lot

[elysepopplewell]

is it unsophisticated if we write two body paragraphs normally but the second body paragraph (the related text paragraph) we do the 1-2 sentence link back to the first paragraph but in the third paragraph its integrated. So 1 &2 normal body paras and 3 is integrated? does that ruin the flow and make the structure confusing?

Nope - that's just fine!

[BPunjabi]

Ahah finally got my posts up to 15, that took ages.. wow.

Ok here it is, also what mark out of 20 would you give me for it:

The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.

Discovery is a process which everyone goes through, to uncover hidden abilities and differences which are experienced in various ways. ‘Life of Pi’, dramatic film captures the idea of discovering hidden abilities whilst also drawing focus to the will to live and symbols commonly used. Poem ‘Cut’, focusing on the same ideas, produces ambiguous variations and meanings towards the process of discovery. Both texts personas feature transformations where they uncover hidden agendas and reconsider what was lost and know found.

‘Life of Pi’ is a film directed by Ang Lee in 2012 focusing on the needs and passion towards survival. As Pi undergoes perilous journeys, he makes spiritual, physical and emotional discoveries. Throughout the move it is known that Pi’s religious beliefs draw on his need for survival. Whilst attempting to train Richard Parker on the life raft, to claim dominance, a long shot is used to feature both primitive characters circling while there is a contrast between the sea. This focus point of the sea elaborates on how loneliness and desperation had deprived and forces Pi’s transformation from a young anxious boy to a intrepid man. Ang Lee uses the characters stance to show how dominance plays a key role in transformation and discovering hidden abilities.

Sylvia Plaths ‘Cut’ written in 1962, targets the ambiguous audience during the 60’s who wanted to break from the women socialistic ideals. Featuring first person narration which incorporates ten stanzas, this poem elaborates on how Plaths suicidal agendas derive from constricted feelings of being an educated women in a restricted society where women were subjugated towards being housewife’s. The quote “Out of a gap, a million soldiers run” is reinforced with imagery to connect to Plaths context of her husband’s use of adultery as she felt the urge of suicide Plath constantly reconsiders what is known as she always ventured to the real of suicide. From this quote, the hyperbole elaborates on the fickleness this urge brings once it feels alright the in suddenly disperses into depression. ‘Cut’ is a mysterious poem which powerfully incorporates the will to live as well as discovering hidden potential competence.

Ang Lee addresses symbols frequently in ‘Life of Pi’ which represent various meanings that help Pi in his transformation. As Pi has a strong spiritual connection, he is able to adapt to his new environments with the help of Richard Parker. It is clearly evident that the water represents loneliness, while the life raft provides hope albeit religious faith is the main focus. The mysterious island represents the Christian Garden of Eden and Orange, a frequent colour possesses survival qualities. There is a sense of spiritual discovery from the symbolic metaphor of the tooth featured at the mysterious island. This scene incorporates Christian spiritual connections to the garden of Eden providing a heaven and hell contrast against the day and night of the island, which is alluded through the switching between long and extreme close shots. As Ang Lee highlights Pi’s adaption to discovery, he rediscovers his spiritual beliefs.

Various types of Symbols are incorporated in Plaths works which feature issues towards her troubled marriage, unresolved conflicts with parents and her personal vision of herself. The poem being an extended metaphor, entices the audience drawing ambiguous conclusions to Plaths exploration of self. Phallic Symbol is used in line two of the poem when the speaker says “My thumb instead of an onion” assassinating with male dominance which was being exhibited. The symbolic metaphor incorporated in “saboteur, Kamikaze man” uses censura to insure the power of depression and self destruction is highlighted through the kamikaze suicidal nature which was always apparent to her.

The transformation which is evident in everybody’s process of discovery, involved uncovering hidden and known desires. Through symbolism and the will to live, both texts ‘Life of Pi’ and ‘Cut’ features personas who struggle against this process, though achieve self discovery and transform to higher perspectives.


Thank you so much,
BPunjabi

[fizzy.123]

hi! can you please have a look at my Go back essay? Also, in my essay, i have discussed the discovery process of 5 characters, can you please tell me if it is fine or if i should change my essay around to just focus on 2 or 3.
Thank you!

Discovery is a multifaceted process providing renewed insight for individuals and society. The dislocation of individuals to new worlds shapes the experiential processes of discovery, allowing for renewed perceptions of previously held beliefs. O’Mahoney’s Go Back To Where You Came From (Go Back), a 2011 TV documentary series, explores the transformative nature of physical experiences in providing insights into the human condition. Geoff Parr’s, 1985 The National Picture critiques the disjunctive relationship of colonisation in challenging individual beliefs.  The displacement of individuals becomes a catalyst to expose the underlying truth and implications of abrogating power. Through a developed understanding of the impacts of personal, physical and social discoveries, the audience is forced to question the contemporary societal assumptions and activism in understanding individual experience.

Through the first-hand experience of discovery, changes in perceptions and new understandings of the world emerge. The initial instability in the human condition restricted the individual connection with the plight of others in Go Back. The mis-en-scene of books juxtaposed with a close up camera shot of Darren, reflects his high intellect, signifying his military background that creates a sense of power over refugees. This lack of compassion contrasts with another participant, Glenny, who upholds humanitarian beliefs all along, reinforced by the eye-level camera angle to reveal equality through the veneration of asylums and refugees. By being forced to go through a physical process of revelation, they come out as transformed individuals with insightful understandings of the world. The forceful placement of individuals into foreign homes triggers an emotional response to empathise with “the other”. The centrality of Darren corresponding with bright lighting is symbolic to a positive change within the participant through the discovery. Similarly, the growth of Adam can also be seen through the documentary. Adam begins as a self-centred individual, claiming to not be in agreement with spending “millions of dollars on housing criminals.” This exposed through the close up camera shot emphasises on the weak human condition as it fails to accept people of lower socioeconomic status. However, the close up camera shot of Adam’s facial expressions  corresponding with chiaroscuro lighting assists in showing how new worlds can lead to the truth, challenging original values to allow for a retribution of societal constructs. The truth is challenged in the revelatory process becoming a trigger in accepting and appreciating differences of individuals and making it a platform for reconciliation.

Discovery of power and traditional perspectives leads to new understandings of the world. The National Picture evaluates the role of power in the formation of new and renewed perceptions. By using modern technologies to reconstruct Duterrau’s original painting, The Conciliation, the viewer becomes aware of the intertextuality and transformation of the “new” resonating with the “old”, causing reflections upon the changing values and attitudes of society. The appropriation of this picture uses satire and parody of the overlay of the Indigenous portrait to further represent meaning and illustrate the changes within society.  The Eurocentric values are encapsulated in the powerful foregrounding of the white coloniser in contrast with the timid and fragile indigenous people, revealing the impacts of physical discovery in diminishing the sense of identity. Through the use of chiaroscuro lighting in the timid representation of the indigenous, Parr reiterates the tenuous link to the sovereignty of their land and culture, symbolically depicting them as silent watchers without a voice. The appropriation of The Conciliation allows for viewers to comprehend how power can be influential to the process of discovery and the impacts of colonial inquest on individuals.

Displacement of individuals can make the process of discovery confronting and overwhelming. Go Back expresses the provocative and confrontational aspect of dislocation for characters, challenged by the process of discovery. The adversity of displacement is illustrated through medium camera shots of Raquel and Raye surrounded by Africans in the background. The voiceover by the narrator reveals how characters will travel to places of an alternate social construct. The feelings of distress associated with dislocation are furthered through the mid shot of character facial expressions and gestures, enhancing the ways in which physical dislocation can result in introspection. The foregrounding of Raquel juxtaposed with the loosely constructed background of the underprivileged location reiterates her discomfort, symbolising her lack of desire to leave the familiar which restricts them from empathising with people. Despite the challenges of discovery, it has the power to provoke reflections enabling an optimistic impact upon creating new values. The character of Raye is used as a vehicle to explore the transformative process, her empathetic acknowledgement of “African people” parallels the audiences questioning of contextual values. The juxtaposition of Raye’s vulnerability with slow, expressive music foreshadows her redemptive process. The lack of background imagery further enhances her realisation, adding emphasis to her acceptance of refugees.  The deconstruction of barriers between individuals proves that discovery can encourage reconciliation to renew perceptions of other cultures.

However, the physical dislocation of individuals to new worlds can impose negative consequences. Unlike O’Mahoney, Parr’s The National Picture forces the audience to question notions of colonisation and their impacts on Indigenous people. The displacement of the Indigenous due to European invasions is presented through the use of ghost figures in shades of grey connoting the ambiguity of their existence. The use of the corrugated iron fence is a metaphorical barrier between the modern group and original inhabitants of the land implying the disparaging nature of colonisation. Parr comments on the lack of individuality of the Indigenous through the foregrounding of racial reversal, displaying their attempt at survival by changing to accept white culture and values. Through the appropriation of Duterrau’s ‘The Conciliation’, it is clear that displacement of individuals can be confronting and provocative, further questioning contextual ideologies of the benefits of colonisation.

The impact of discoveries can be far-reaching and transformative for the individual and the broader society. The notion of superiority and power become a barrier in experiencing the ultimate truth, creating a need for displacement to evoke empathy. O’Mahoney explores the complexity of the human condition in appreciating those from different racial backgrounds, and in doing so, comments on the powerful impetus of discovery in renewing previously held beliefs to expose the truth. Parr’s ‘The National Picture’ similarly critiques the difficulties faced by individuals in understanding the reality of colonial inquests. Both composers use their craft to comment on the ramifications of discovery catalysed by their respective context.

[Daliaradosevic]

 Discovery Essay
Hi i was wondering if i could please have some feedback on this essay and give pointers or indicate where i could improve in and which area? i also have a couple questions regarding structure, thank you!
1. Whats the difference b/w thesis and introduction?
2. Whats the structure of the opening paragraph as in (thesis,intro)


Discoveries has the power to transform individual lives (statement)

Discoveries can be powerful, specifically new discoveries, they have the ability to heavily alter and provoke a re-evaluation of an individuals status in the world. Robert Frost a highly recognised American poet portrays these concepts extensively in his naturalistic approach to poems ‘tuft of Flowers’ and ‘stopping by the woods on a snowy evening’ which explore the transformative nature of human relationships on unity and human separation. Similarly author Kate Chopin’s short story ‘Story of an hour’ explores the yearning for independence. Both texts reinforce the evoking nature of discoveries and how they can act as a catalyst in bringing about new ideals, which often appear suddenly and unexpectedly. The ramifications of discovery can appear on a multifaceted level where they can become confronting and provocative and ultimately have the ability to re-affirm perceptions of the world and ourselves.

Spontaneous discoveries can emerge from unexpected situations in individual’s circumstances in life. Robert Frost through first person narration portrays relationships between the haymaker (persona), mower and the “butterfly and I had lit upon”. The symbolism of “lit” with “light” represents the profound, sudden impact the butterfly has on the haymaker, that it transformed his day by adding light and hope. The butterfly was eager for the haymaker to find the “tall tuft of flowers”. “Tall” and “tuft” are oxymoron’s, where the connotation of “tall” resembles strength and masculinity juxtaposed with “tuft” displaying fragility. Reinforcing both the random appearance and defiance of the flowers survival and the persona’s vulnerability and heartache in his world.  However, his perceptions were challenged when he came across “A leaping tongue of bloom”. The personification represents the butterflies attempt to communicate with the haymaker leading him to the “flowers”, reinforcing how a new discovery seen with the butterfly and the haymaker in relation to the same admiration for the beauty of nature which is the tuft of flowers, has the ability to transform the persona’s (haymaker) previous sense of isolation in his world, creating a fruitful atmosphere. Similarly in Kate Chopin “story of an hour”, She explores a sudden discovery of her Husbands death, which evokes an epiphany, challenging her genuine feelings towards her husband. The structure of the story, specifically the title “hour” symbolizes that the multiple events within the story will be sudden and limited to one “hour”, creating suspense. One event in particular is the news of Mrs. Mallard’s husband’s death, which evoked overwhelming feelings, which made her “sweep at once with sudden, wild abutment into her sisters arms”. The listing emphasizes, her automatic response to the news, allowing the audience to understand the impact and the powerful nature of discovering the news and how it transformed her as an individual seeing downcast, sorrowful and into her sisters arms. Therefore spontaneous discoveries have the potential in themselves to forcefully impact individuals negatively.

Ramifications of discoveries can be perceived from confronting and provocative mannerisms. Robert Frost’s poem, “Stopping by the woods on a snowy evening” portrays the eager nature for oblivion. The poems iambic meter affirms with the poets social conventions of duties such as the “Miles”, where the hyperbole exaggerates all his duties and realises he has “Miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep”. The repetition reflects his physical and emotional state from neglecting his responsibilities and rest, confronting all his unfinished responsibilities allowing the echolalia to close the poem and create an anxious atmosphere. The persona stops by and admires the “lovely, dark and deep” woods, the haunting visual imagery of “dark and deep” juxtaposed with “lovely” suggest a confronting nature of the woods themselves. That they can be portrayed in a fruitful matter being “lovely” as well as “dark and deep”. Similarly in Kate Chopin’s short story the protagonist Mrs Mallard has an epiphany realizes she’s “free, free, free”, where the repetition of free symbolizes the conclusion of oppressed feelings by her husband and has come to a (spiritual and emotional) realization of her independence. Her greediness and contemplation of her husband’s death created a “Joy that kills”, the ironic nature behind the metaphor suggests that the discovery of her husband being alive in the end is what sequentially killed her. Therefore discoveries can impact how individuals by being either provocative or perceived as a confrontation.

A discovery has the potential to re-affirm original perceptions of the world and ourselves. Robert Frost’s poem, “Tuft of Flowers” explores the realization of isolation in individuals and the world. The haymaker “looked” and “listened” for the mower, but the mower never showed, he seeks communication but was met with silence and left “alone”. The hyphen acts as a caesura adding emphasis on the connotations of “looked” and “listened”, revealing that the speaker is isolated however his perceptions were fixed as he discovers “A message from dawn”. The metonymy recognises that dawn is actually the mower and comes to the realization that he led him to the flowers and led him to the realization that he is not alone in his world. The mower compels the haymaker to “feel a spirit kindred to my own”. Where the metaphor awakens in the speaker his spirit, where he discovers and realises despite their societal differences they share the same appreciation for the beauty of nature and now his previous sense of isolation in his world has been resolved and more fruitful than ever. Similarly in Kate Chopin’s short story Mrs Mallard believed “she had loved him”. The low modality of “had” reinforces her non-existent loving feelings towards her husband even after their course of marriage, creating an unsettling tone for the audience and helps her discover that marriages/relationships rob people of their independence. Mrs Mallard looked out her “Open Square, Open window”. The repetition and connotations of “open” and symbolic meaning of “square” and “window” suggest opportunity and freedom from her husband. Her epiphany challenged her genuine feelings towards her husband and comes to a fixed perception that she’s finally free from him and is now referred to as “Louise Mallard” and no longer attached to her husband, therefore set free from him and herself. Consequently discoveries have the power to fix previous renewed perceptions.

[ssarahj]

Discovery Essay
Hi i was wondering if i could please have some feedback on this essay and give pointers or indicate where i could improve in and which area? i also have a couple questions regarding structure, thank you!
1. Whats the difference b/w thesis and introduction?
2. Whats the structure of the opening paragraph as in (thesis,intro)


Discoveries has the power to transform individual lives (statement)

Discoveries can be powerful, specifically new discoveries, they have the ability to heavily alter and provoke a re-evaluation of an individuals status in the world. Robert Frost a highly recognised American poet portrays these concepts extensively in his naturalistic approach to poems ‘tuft of Flowers’ and ‘stopping by the woods on a snowy evening’ which explore the transformative nature of human relationships on unity and human separation. Similarly author Kate Chopin’s short story ‘Story of an hour’ explores the yearning for independence. Both texts reinforce the evoking nature of discoveries and how they can act as a catalyst in bringing about new ideals, which often appear suddenly and unexpectedly. The ramifications of discovery can appear on a multifaceted level where they can become confronting and provocative and ultimately have the ability to re-affirm perceptions of the world and ourselves.

Spontaneous discoveries can emerge from unexpected situations in individual’s circumstances in life. Robert Frost through first person narration portrays relationships between the haymaker (persona), mower and the “butterfly and I had lit upon”. The symbolism of “lit” with “light” represents the profound, sudden impact the butterfly has on the haymaker, that it transformed his day by adding light and hope. The butterfly was eager for the haymaker to find the “tall tuft of flowers”. “Tall” and “tuft” are oxymoron’s, where the connotation of “tall” resembles strength and masculinity juxtaposed with “tuft” displaying fragility. Reinforcing both the random appearance and defiance of the flowers survival and the persona’s vulnerability and heartache in his world.  However, his perceptions were challenged when he came across “A leaping tongue of bloom”. The personification represents the butterflies attempt to communicate with the haymaker leading him to the “flowers”, reinforcing how a new discovery seen with the butterfly and the haymaker in relation to the same admiration for the beauty of nature which is the tuft of flowers, has the ability to transform the persona’s (haymaker) previous sense of isolation in his world, creating a fruitful atmosphere. Similarly in Kate Chopin “story of an hour”, She explores a sudden discovery of her Husbands death, which evokes an epiphany, challenging her genuine feelings towards her husband. The structure of the story, specifically the title “hour” symbolizes that the multiple events within the story will be sudden and limited to one “hour”, creating suspense. One event in particular is the news of Mrs. Mallard’s husband’s death, which evoked overwhelming feelings, which made her “sweep at once with sudden, wild abutment into her sisters arms”. The listing emphasizes, her automatic response to the news, allowing the audience to understand the impact and the powerful nature of discovering the news and how it transformed her as an individual seeing downcast, sorrowful and into her sisters arms. Therefore spontaneous discoveries have the potential in themselves to forcefully impact individuals negatively.

Ramifications of discoveries can be perceived from confronting and provocative mannerisms. Robert Frost’s poem, “Stopping by the woods on a snowy evening” portrays the eager nature for oblivion. The poems iambic meter affirms with the poets social conventions of duties such as the “Miles”, where the hyperbole exaggerates all his duties and realises he has “Miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep”. The repetition reflects his physical and emotional state from neglecting his responsibilities and rest, confronting all his unfinished responsibilities allowing the echolalia to close the poem and create an anxious atmosphere. The persona stops by and admires the “lovely, dark and deep” woods, the haunting visual imagery of “dark and deep” juxtaposed with “lovely” suggest a confronting nature of the woods themselves. That they can be portrayed in a fruitful matter being “lovely” as well as “dark and deep”. Similarly in Kate Chopin’s short story the protagonist Mrs Mallard has an epiphany realizes she’s “free, free, free”, where the repetition of free symbolizes the conclusion of oppressed feelings by her husband and has come to a (spiritual and emotional) realization of her independence. Her greediness and contemplation of her husband’s death created a “Joy that kills”, the ironic nature behind the metaphor suggests that the discovery of her husband being alive in the end is what sequentially killed her. Therefore discoveries can impact how individuals by being either provocative or perceived as a confrontation.

A discovery has the potential to re-affirm original perceptions of the world and ourselves. Robert Frost’s poem, “Tuft of Flowers” explores the realization of isolation in individuals and the world. The haymaker “looked” and “listened” for the mower, but the mower never showed, he seeks communication but was met with silence and left “alone”. The hyphen acts as a caesura adding emphasis on the connotations of “looked” and “listened”, revealing that the speaker is isolated however his perceptions were fixed as he discovers “A message from dawn”. The metonymy recognises that dawn is actually the mower and comes to the realization that he led him to the flowers and led him to the realization that he is not alone in his world. The mower compels the haymaker to “feel a spirit kindred to my own”. Where the metaphor awakens in the speaker his spirit, where he discovers and realises despite their societal differences they share the same appreciation for the beauty of nature and now his previous sense of isolation in his world has been resolved and more fruitful than ever. Similarly in Kate Chopin’s short story Mrs Mallard believed “she had loved him”. The low modality of “had” reinforces her non-existent loving feelings towards her husband even after their course of marriage, creating an unsettling tone for the audience and helps her discover that marriages/relationships rob people of their independence. Mrs Mallard looked out her “Open Square, Open window”. The repetition and connotations of “open” and symbolic meaning of “square” and “window” suggest opportunity and freedom from her husband. Her epiphany challenged her genuine feelings towards her husband and comes to a fixed perception that she’s finally free from him and is now referred to as “Louise Mallard” and no longer attached to her husband, therefore set free from him and herself. Consequently discoveries have the power to fix previous renewed perceptions.

Hey Daliaradosevic, welcome to ATAR Notes! We would love to have a look at your essay however we require that you make 15 posts on the forums in exchange for each essay marked. So have a look around, ask any other questions you have and pop back here and let us know when you've reached 15 posts and one of our amazing markers will get onto it for you 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi everyone!

So with the lectures just gone we are a tad behind on our marking (the three markers did about 20 lectures between us)!! We aim to get caught up as soon as possible, so thank you to everyone for your patience!

Based on my checks; the following users have met post count and will have their essay marked ASAP:

- BPunjabi
- fizzy.123
- Iha (moved to Creatives)

Everyone else in this thread (I think) has either been marked or knows that they need more posts to get marked. If you think I've missed your essay, let me know!! Otherwise, we'll get you caught up ASAP!

As a further message, your HSC English Exam is one week away! We anticipate our marking boards are going to get very busy, so if you want to guarantee that your essay gets marked by the time your exam is done, you need to get it up sooner rather than later. We'll do our best to move through as quickly as we can, but we can only do so much. Act early to avoid disappointment!!

[jamonwindeyer]

Ahah finally got my posts up to 15, that took ages.. wow.

Ok here it is, also what mark out of 20 would you give me for it:

Thanks for hanging in there! Your essay is attached with comments throughout:

Spoiler

The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.

Discovery is a process which everyone goes through, to uncover hidden abilities and differences which are experienced in various ways. What are some of these abilities and differences? Just a tad too vague here in my opinion.  ‘Life of Pi’, dramatic film captures the idea of discovering hidden abilities whilst also drawing focus to the will to live and symbols commonly used. What symbols? Again, be sure that the marker has a clear idea of what you are going to be discussing. Further, be sure to link everything you discuss to Discovery. Poem ‘Cut’, focusing on the same ideas, produces ambiguous variations and meanings towards the process of discovery. What ARE these?Both texts personas feature transformations where they uncover hidden agendas and reconsider what was lost and know found. This introduction needs a little more fleshing out, some more detail on the Discovery components. Also be sure to mention your composers in your intro, they are just as important as your text.

‘Life of Pi’ is a film directed by Ang Lee in 2012 focusing on the needs and passion towards survival. How does this relate to Discovery? As Pi undergoes perilous journeys, he makes spiritual, physical and emotional discoveries. Such as? Throughout the move it is known that Pi’s religious beliefs draw on his need for survival. Retell; remember that your marker knows your text well. You don't need to explain plot elements to them, focus on discovery and how it is portrayed. Whilst attempting to train Richard Parker on the life raft, to claim dominance, a long shot is used to feature both primitive characters circling while there is a contrast between the sea. This focus point of the sea elaborates on how loneliness and desperation had deprived and forces Pi’s transformation from a young anxious boy to a intrepid man. A tad too much retell here; try to focus purely on analysis! Ang Lee uses the characters stance to show how dominance plays a key role in transformation and discovering hidden abilities. Good conclusion, but more analysis is needed in this paragraph. Another quote and technique with analysis.

Sylvia Plaths ‘Cut’ written in 1962, targets the ambiguous audience during the 60’s who wanted to break from the women socialistic ideals. Good contextual audience link there. Featuring first person narration which incorporates ten stanzas, this poem elaborates on how Plaths suicidal agendas derive from constricted feelings of being an educated women in a restricted society where women were subjugated towards being housewife’s. Good concept here! I'd like a slightly stronger link to Discovery. The quote “Out of a gap, a million soldiers run” is reinforced with imagery to connect to Plaths context of her husband’s use of adultery as she felt the urge of suicide. What does this show the audience about Discovery? Plath constantly reconsiders what is known as she always ventured to the real of suicide. From this quote, the hyperbole elaborates on the fickleness this urge brings once it feels alright the in suddenly disperses into depression. ‘Cut’ is a mysterious poem which powerfully incorporates the will to live as well as discovering hidden potential competence. Be sure to link everything to Discovery; you haven't used any word making this link in this paragraph, and as a result it comes across as very off-topic.

Ang Lee addresses symbols frequently in ‘Life of Pi’ which represent various meanings that help Pi in his transformation. A little messy in expression there; I'd say that Lee 'utilises' symbols instead of addresses, and perhaps work on tidying up the latter half of the phrase as well. As Pi has a strong spiritual connection, he is able to adapt to his new environments with the help of Richard Parker. Retell. It is clearly evident that the water represents loneliness, while the life raft provides hope albeit religious faith is the main focus. What techniques accentuate this? The mysterious island represents the Christian Garden of Eden and Orange, a frequent colour possesses survival qualities. You could call this a biblical allusion, of sorts. What would this do for a religious responder? There is a sense of spiritual discovery from the symbolic metaphor of the tooth featured at the mysterious island. More detail required on this 'spiritual discovery.' This scene incorporates Christian spiritual connections to the garden of Eden providing a heaven and hell contrast against the day and night of the island, which is alluded through the switching between long and extreme close shots. Showing the audience ____ about discovery? As Ang Lee highlights Pi’s adaption to discovery, he rediscovers his spiritual beliefs.

Various types of Symbols are incorporated in Plaths works which feature issues towards her troubled marriage, unresolved conflicts with parents and her personal vision of herself. The poem being an extended metaphor, entices the audience drawing ambiguous conclusions to Plaths exploration of self. Good, could you give an example? Phallic Symbol is used in line two of the poem when the speaker says “My thumb instead of an onion” assassinating with male dominance which was being exhibited. The symbolic metaphor incorporated in “saboteur, Kamikaze man” uses censura to insure the power of depression and self destruction is highlighted through the kamikaze suicidal nature which was always apparent to her. Ensure all your paragraphs are properly concluded.

The transformation which is evident in everybody’s process of discovery, involved uncovering hidden and known desires. Through symbolism and the will to live, both texts ‘Life of Pi’ and ‘Cut’ features personas who struggle against this process, though achieve self discovery and transform to higher perspectives. I'd like a little more 'meat' to this conclusion, it should be a little longer than this. Restate your ideas, relink what you've discussed to the idea of Discovery and the main idea that you wished to discuss, and relink to the question. Just a few things you can consider including.

You've got some really cool ideas in here, and some great contextual considerations. You've clearly considered what the texts are portraying and this is great! However, my big piece of feedback here would be responding to the question. At times, you were not properly discussing the idea of Discovery! Links to the AoS and the themes surrounding discovery (in this case, 'uncovering what is hidden, reconsidering what is know') should be explicit and frequent. In your 2nd paragraph particularly, you swayed. Your ideas are not incorrect, but they aren't linked to the AoS effectively. Try to adapt your word choices to make these links more obvious.

Further, I'm looking for some stronger analysis. Try to shift yourself away from retell, and more to just a technique and example, and what it shows about discovery. For example, take this:

Whilst attempting to train Richard Parker on the life raft, to claim dominance, a long shot is used to feature both primitive characters circling while there is a contrast between the sea. This focus point of the sea elaborates on how loneliness and desperation had deprived and forces Pi’s transformation from a young anxious boy to a intrepid man.

I would do it like this instead:

Lee's use of a long shot accentuates the competition for dominance between Parker and Pi, with the sea representing how loneliness and desperation has forced the transformation of the persona.

This is still not perfect (not really linked to the question properly), but the point I want to get across is that I am focusing much less on the plot. My focus is what is in bold; the technique and what it achieves. You do not need plot details; remember that your marker knows your text, they don't need to be told what is happening! They just want to know how, in your view, the composer uses techniques to present the idea of Discovery.

So on the whole, I'm looking basically for more techniques and quotes per paragraph. Achieving this will come with removing retell and using word choice more cleverly, just to squeeze a little more analysis in

Those are my two big suggestions!! I hope they are helpful, you've got great ideas, just some polish in how they are expressed is needed. Remembering that the AoS is out of 15 marks, I would likely score your essay in the range of 9/15 right now

[lha]

I posted my aos creative in here, should i delete the post and put it in the aos creative forum?

[jamonwindeyer]

I posted my aos creative in here, should i delete the post and put it in the aos creative forum?

Oh I didn't even notice! I will merge it for you now and let Elyse know it's been moved!

[BPunjabi]

Thanks for hanging in there! Your essay is attached with comments throughout:

Spoiler

The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.

Discovery is a process which everyone goes through, to uncover hidden abilities and differences which are experienced in various ways. What are some of these abilities and differences? Just a tad too vague here in my opinion.  ‘Life of Pi’, dramatic film captures the idea of discovering hidden abilities whilst also drawing focus to the will to live and symbols commonly used. What symbols? Again, be sure that the marker has a clear idea of what you are going to be discussing. Further, be sure to link everything you discuss to Discovery. Poem ‘Cut’, focusing on the same ideas, produces ambiguous variations and meanings towards the process of discovery. What ARE these?Both texts personas feature transformations where they uncover hidden agendas and reconsider what was lost and know found. This introduction needs a little more fleshing out, some more detail on the Discovery components. Also be sure to mention your composers in your intro, they are just as important as your text.

‘Life of Pi’ is a film directed by Ang Lee in 2012 focusing on the needs and passion towards survival. How does this relate to Discovery? As Pi undergoes perilous journeys, he makes spiritual, physical and emotional discoveries. Such as? Throughout the move it is known that Pi’s religious beliefs draw on his need for survival. Retell; remember that your marker knows your text well. You don't need to explain plot elements to them, focus on discovery and how it is portrayed. Whilst attempting to train Richard Parker on the life raft, to claim dominance, a long shot is used to feature both primitive characters circling while there is a contrast between the sea. This focus point of the sea elaborates on how loneliness and desperation had deprived and forces Pi’s transformation from a young anxious boy to a intrepid man. A tad too much retell here; try to focus purely on analysis! Ang Lee uses the characters stance to show how dominance plays a key role in transformation and discovering hidden abilities. Good conclusion, but more analysis is needed in this paragraph. Another quote and technique with analysis.

Sylvia Plaths ‘Cut’ written in 1962, targets the ambiguous audience during the 60’s who wanted to break from the women socialistic ideals. Good contextual audience link there. Featuring first person narration which incorporates ten stanzas, this poem elaborates on how Plaths suicidal agendas derive from constricted feelings of being an educated women in a restricted society where women were subjugated towards being housewife’s. Good concept here! I'd like a slightly stronger link to Discovery. The quote “Out of a gap, a million soldiers run” is reinforced with imagery to connect to Plaths context of her husband’s use of adultery as she felt the urge of suicide. What does this show the audience about Discovery? Plath constantly reconsiders what is known as she always ventured to the real of suicide. From this quote, the hyperbole elaborates on the fickleness this urge brings once it feels alright the in suddenly disperses into depression. ‘Cut’ is a mysterious poem which powerfully incorporates the will to live as well as discovering hidden potential competence. Be sure to link everything to Discovery; you haven't used any word making this link in this paragraph, and as a result it comes across as very off-topic.

Ang Lee addresses symbols frequently in ‘Life of Pi’ which represent various meanings that help Pi in his transformation. A little messy in expression there; I'd say that Lee 'utilises' symbols instead of addresses, and perhaps work on tidying up the latter half of the phrase as well. As Pi has a strong spiritual connection, he is able to adapt to his new environments with the help of Richard Parker. Retell. It is clearly evident that the water represents loneliness, while the life raft provides hope albeit religious faith is the main focus. What techniques accentuate this? The mysterious island represents the Christian Garden of Eden and Orange, a frequent colour possesses survival qualities. You could call this a biblical allusion, of sorts. What would this do for a religious responder? There is a sense of spiritual discovery from the symbolic metaphor of the tooth featured at the mysterious island. More detail required on this 'spiritual discovery.' This scene incorporates Christian spiritual connections to the garden of Eden providing a heaven and hell contrast against the day and night of the island, which is alluded through the switching between long and extreme close shots. Showing the audience ____ about discovery? As Ang Lee highlights Pi’s adaption to discovery, he rediscovers his spiritual beliefs.

Various types of Symbols are incorporated in Plaths works which feature issues towards her troubled marriage, unresolved conflicts with parents and her personal vision of herself. The poem being an extended metaphor, entices the audience drawing ambiguous conclusions to Plaths exploration of self. Good, could you give an example? Phallic Symbol is used in line two of the poem when the speaker says “My thumb instead of an onion” assassinating with male dominance which was being exhibited. The symbolic metaphor incorporated in “saboteur, Kamikaze man” uses censura to insure the power of depression and self destruction is highlighted through the kamikaze suicidal nature which was always apparent to her. Ensure all your paragraphs are properly concluded.

The transformation which is evident in everybody’s process of discovery, involved uncovering hidden and known desires. Through symbolism and the will to live, both texts ‘Life of Pi’ and ‘Cut’ features personas who struggle against this process, though achieve self discovery and transform to higher perspectives. I'd like a little more 'meat' to this conclusion, it should be a little longer than this. Restate your ideas, relink what you've discussed to the idea of Discovery and the main idea that you wished to discuss, and relink to the question. Just a few things you can consider including.

You've got some really cool ideas in here, and some great contextual considerations. You've clearly considered what the texts are portraying and this is great! However, my big piece of feedback here would be responding to the question. At times, you were not properly discussing the idea of Discovery! Links to the AoS and the themes surrounding discovery (in this case, 'uncovering what is hidden, reconsidering what is know') should be explicit and frequent. In your 2nd paragraph particularly, you swayed. Your ideas are not incorrect, but they aren't linked to the AoS effectively. Try to adapt your word choices to make these links more obvious.

Further, I'm looking for some stronger analysis. Try to shift yourself away from retell, and more to just a technique and example, and what it shows about discovery. For example, take this:

Whilst attempting to train Richard Parker on the life raft, to claim dominance, a long shot is used to feature both primitive characters circling while there is a contrast between the sea. This focus point of the sea elaborates on how loneliness and desperation had deprived and forces Pi’s transformation from a young anxious boy to a intrepid man.

I would do it like this instead:

Lee's use of a long shot accentuates the competition for dominance between Parker and Pi, with the sea representing how loneliness and desperation has forced the transformation of the persona.

This is still not perfect (not really linked to the question properly), but the point I want to get across is that I am focusing much less on the plot. My focus is what is in bold; the technique and what it achieves. You do not need plot details; remember that your marker knows your text, they don't need to be told what is happening! They just want to know how, in your view, the composer uses techniques to present the idea of Discovery.

So on the whole, I'm looking basically for more techniques and quotes per paragraph. Achieving this will come with removing retell and using word choice more cleverly, just to squeeze a little more analysis in

Those are my two big suggestions!! I hope they are helpful, you've got great ideas, just some polish in how they are expressed is needed. Remembering that the AoS is out of 15 marks, I would likely score your essay in the range of 9/15 right now

Ahh thanks Jamon so much for your help. I can see what you mean about the drifting and to much plot retelling. When going into the exam I wanted to have about 1-2 anaylisis (1-2 quotes, technique, link)points which I could build upon. Is that ok or too broad?

[jamonwindeyer]

Thank you! So i dont have to repost it?

Nope! I sorted it for you

[Valentina_eliana]

Just wondering if it's okay to say my prescribed text affirms the notions of discovery summarised in my thesis and my related text challenges these ideas?

[jamonwindeyer]

Just wondering if it's okay to say my prescribed text affirms the notions of discovery summarised in my thesis and my related text challenges these ideas?

Welcome to the forums Valentina!! that is definitely okay, in fact, I view it as really clever to play your Prescribed Text up against your ORT, if you do it right

[jamonwindeyer]

Ahh thanks Jamon so much for your help. I can see what you mean about the drifting and to much plot retelling. When going into the exam I wanted to have about 1-2 anaylisis (1-2 quotes, technique, link)points which I could build upon. Is that ok or too broad?

I would say 2 per paragraph should be your minimum, but if you can get 3 in, that would be great too!