Free AOS essay Marking!

[jamonwindeyer]

can i just say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who gives us feedback on our essays, I've gotten more feedback from my teacher in the past two weeks leading up to the HSC than i have from my teacher who still hasn't answered my email so thank you immensely.

Absolutely very welcome! Happy to help

[bethjomay]

I've scanned my essay but the file size is too large for me to upload.  Is there some other way I could get it to you?

[jamonwindeyer]

I've scanned my essay but the file size is too large for me to upload.  Is there some other way I could get it to you?

Do you have a Dropbox or Google Drive? You can link me to the file and I'll upload the feedback here!

[bethjomay]

Thank you so much! I put it on google drive, hopefully this link works! There first page is there twice so just ignore that. The question was: "Discovery is a process of questions and potential answers. To what extent has this process been represented in your prescribed text and texts of your own choosing?" It was written under timed conditions (40 minutes).

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BzRjW7wFcvb4RjB5c3BLWmMtT2s/view?usp=sharing

[jamonwindeyer]

Thank you so much! I put it on google drive, hopefully this link works! There first page is there twice so just ignore that. The question was: "Discovery is a process of questions and potential answers. To what extent has this process been represented in your prescribed text and texts of your own choosing?" It was written under timed conditions (40 minutes).

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BzRjW7wFcvb4RjB5c3BLWmMtT2s/view?usp=sharing

Hey Beth! The link works, and I'll pop comments on each paragraph here as I go!

Note: Resolution issues mean I'm having the slightest trouble reading your handwriting. Won't impact your HSC marking but it could mean I miss the odd point, keep that in mind if something I say seems off

Introduction
I think your conceptual set up here works well! Concepts are well explained, but I'd question whether you are adequately addressing the question concepts; "questions and potential answers." Not getting too much explanation of that. I'd also like to see you properly link each text to a Discovery concept, just using one phrase should do it. That's just to set up WHY these texts are being discussed in a Discovery essay. Finally, I'd add a sentence at the end that brings together everything. Like, "Thus, we can see how composers represent Discovery, blah blah blah."

Paragraph #1
Awesome topic sentence; conceptual and to the point, absolutely fabulous. Analysis of Shakespeare is somewhat effective, excellent integration of your quotes into your writing, but I'd like to see one more technique given that it is your prescribed text. On the whole, watch that you aren't saying, "This technique shows us ________ about the characters." You need to say what the techniques show about Discovery. Even, say, when you are discussing the discoveries of Felik, you need to abstract them beyond the characters. The readers don't care about the characters, they care about Discovery in their own lives; how do the techniques speak to this? So, while we have effective analysis, we need stronger conceptual links.

Paragraph #2
Again, nice conceptual start and good link to Shakespeare's text. Similar comments to above; be sure every quote/technique is linked to the aspect of Discovery you are talking about. Analysis here is better; more techniques, excellent work there. Be sure every paragraph is properly concluded!

Paragraph #3
Dependent on resolution errors, I think there is a really long sentence in the middle of this paragraph to break up. Just that out of the way. Moving on; another good paragraph with solid techniques! Again though, lots of discussion about what we learn about characters. Remember, make it abstract, what does audience learn about Discovery in general?

I think this is a really cool essay Beth, especially for timed conditions, really really impressive. With only one day to go I want to give you two pieces of feedback to really focus on to improve:

1. Ensure that you answer the question. The demands of the question (concerning potential answers and such) were not adequately addressed in your response. That puts limitations on how well you can do, so make sure you really explicitly answer the question. Better overkill than under-kill!
2. Ensure you Conclude your Essay. This ensures that everything is wrapped up nicely; even just a handful of sentences is enough and it will massively improve your mark to add it!

Best of luck for Paper 1, and I really hope this helps!

[jamonwindeyer]

Just a quick notice that any essays posted today may not get super detailed feedback. The markers focus needs to be with handling last minute questions, and if we want to get the feedback to you before your exam tomorrow, we won't be able to spend as much time. This is probably for the better, so you guys can implement the big changes quickly and work on smashing out your exams!

[bethjomay]

Hey Beth! The link works, and I'll pop comments on each paragraph here as I go!

Note: Resolution issues mean I'm having the slightest trouble reading your handwriting. Won't impact your HSC marking but it could mean I miss the odd point, keep that in mind if something I say seems off

Introduction
I think your conceptual set up here works well! Concepts are well explained, but I'd question whether you are adequately addressing the question concepts; "questions and potential answers." Not getting too much explanation of that. I'd also like to see you properly link each text to a Discovery concept, just using one phrase should do it. That's just to set up WHY these texts are being discussed in a Discovery essay. Finally, I'd add a sentence at the end that brings together everything. Like, "Thus, we can see how composers represent Discovery, blah blah blah."

Paragraph #1
Awesome topic sentence; conceptual and to the point, absolutely fabulous. Analysis of Shakespeare is somewhat effective, excellent integration of your quotes into your writing, but I'd like to see one more technique given that it is your prescribed text. On the whole, watch that you aren't saying, "This technique shows us ________ about the characters." You need to say what the techniques show about Discovery. Even, say, when you are discussing the discoveries of Felik, you need to abstract them beyond the characters. The readers don't care about the characters, they care about Discovery in their own lives; how do the techniques speak to this? So, while we have effective analysis, we need stronger conceptual links.

Paragraph #2
Again, nice conceptual start and good link to Shakespeare's text. Similar comments to above; be sure every quote/technique is linked to the aspect of Discovery you are talking about. Analysis here is better; more techniques, excellent work there. Be sure every paragraph is properly concluded!

Paragraph #3
Dependent on resolution errors, I think there is a really long sentence in the middle of this paragraph to break up. Just that out of the way. Moving on; another good paragraph with solid techniques! Again though, lots of discussion about what we learn about characters. Remember, make it abstract, what does audience learn about Discovery in general?

I think this is a really cool essay Beth, especially for timed conditions, really really impressive. With only one day to go I want to give you two pieces of feedback to really focus on to improve:

1. Ensure that you answer the question. The demands of the question (concerning potential answers and such) were not adequately addressed in your response. That puts limitations on how well you can do, so make sure you really explicitly answer the question. Better overkill than under-kill!
2. Ensure you Conclude your Essay. This ensures that everything is wrapped up nicely; even just a handful of sentences is enough and it will massively improve your mark to add it!

Best of luck for Paper 1, and I really hope this helps!

Thank you so much! For making the discovery concepts more abstract, would it be adequate to add something like "...thus we can see that discoveries blah blah..." to the end of a sentence analysing the technique?

[elysepopplewell]

Thank you so much! For making the discovery concepts more abstract, would it be adequate to add something like "...thus we can see that discoveries blah blah..." to the end of a sentence analysing the technique?

Definitely! Except I'd stay out of the collective first person narration

[jamonwindeyer]

Definitely! Except I'd stay out of the collective first person narration

Oh really? Allen (English teacher, Elyse knows) loved this about my writing, when used to reference "we" as the modern collective audience

[BPunjabi]

Can I still submit my AOS for marking on here?

[jamonwindeyer]

Can I still submit my AOS for marking on here?

Sure, why not! Any reason why though?

[BPunjabi]

Just to use up my posts lol... Can I donate them to someone? Any year 12 want mine?

[jakesilove]

Just to use up my posts lol... Can I donate them to someone? Any year 12 want mine?

We're not marking essays that don't need marking. No other Year 12 needs their essays marked either.

[BPunjabi]

We're not marking essays that don't need marking. No other Year 12 needs their essays marked either.

I meant year 11, sorry

[jamonwindeyer]

I meant year 11, sorry

Not transferrable anyway, unfortunately this service is our way of saying thanks for the people who are making our community great by getting involved (as you have done), so it's not something you can 'transfer' to someone else