Free AOS essay Marking!

[elysepopplewell]

Nah I just updated the Essay Marking Rule Thread, since there was never an official change

Oh! Wonderful. I saw you had consecutive posts in a few threads of marking at one point so that's what I thought you did

[Nialllovespie]

Hiiiiii,

Sorry I accidentally posted my AOS essay in the creative writing section...Woops

Is there any chance you could please mark my essay? THANKYOU in advanced!!

An individual's discoveries can challenge pre-conceived perspectives leading to a transformation of their perceptions of themselves and society. This transformation is normally often attained after they surpass the ramifications of obstacles that fundamentally shape their perceptions. This transformation is evident in Che Guevara’s bildungsroman memoir “The Motorcycle Diaries” and Alfred Tennyson's poem “Ulysses” as they uncover transformative discoveries whilst travelling.


The transformation of an individual's new understandings is facilitated by the confronting and provocative experiences encountered by an individual through the discoveries made whilst travelling, as uncovered in Che’s memoir. The use of first person narration and reflective voice in “all this wandering around ‘our America with a capital A’ has changed me more than I thought”. epitomises a process of reflection revealing that Guevara is aware of his own transformation resulting in renewed perceptions of himself and society. Furthermore,Guevara’s cognizance of his change allows him to accept the emotional and spiritual transformation he has undergone as a result of these confronting and provocative experiences which occurred on his travels and is further demonstrated through first person in “the person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil again...I am not the person I once was”.  The diction in, “I realised I felt nothing”, stimulates the idea of discovery resulting in an individual's renewed perceptions as Che realises his emotional transformation. The description of “delightful Chilean countryside, divided into plots, every bit farmed, in stark contrast to our own arid south” implements visual imagery to allow Che to portray his exploration and comprehension of the world around him assisting his process of discovery. Guevara’s use of dialogue, “I can't answer you, doctors, but thank you for asking” solidifies Che's self discovery he attains after assisting others along his journey. This embodies the overall change that is explored throughout the Bildungsroman memoir and his lifetime, as he undergoes the transformation from an individual who lacks impact on others people, to a heartwarming figure who aids many.


Likewise, Tennyson’s “Ulysses”, written as a dramatic monologue, emphasises the stimulation of new ideas as individuals encounter provocative experiences that facilitate the process of discovery. Comparably to Che, Ulysses’s cognizes his transformation through the use of first person narration and tense contrast in “I am part of all that I have met” is a result of his travels stimulating his new understandings. Furthermore, Che's transformation is also reflected through Ulysses's desire for adventure which is emphasised through the  metaphorical personification in “roaming with a hungry heart” characterising him as a pioneer for the intellectual adventure he yearns for. Discovery is depicted in the simile “to follow knowledge like a sinking star” demonstrating the stimulation of new ideas is derived from travelling. Furthermore the use of “sinking star” symbolises Ulysses as a dying hero now he has concluded his travels. The feminine personification of “the vessel puffs her sail” emphasises Ulysses love for adventure and embodies the notion that the effect of discoveries is dependent on the individual's attitude which determines the discovery.


The stimulation of new ideas is a result of physical discovery evoked by an individual's curiosity leading us to new worlds and values. The use of diary entries throughout the memoir provide a sequential record of experience enabling the reader to uncover Che's physical and emotional discoveries. The juxtaposition in, “silhouetted against the sea, smothering the waves with silver reflections” exposes the prominent optimism of Che's approach in their physical discoveries through visual imagery and sibilance. The positive attitude notion derived from their physical discoveries allow for the stimulation of new ideas and new values further conveyed in the visual imagery “yellow-green slopes that melt into blue depths”. Guevara's discovery of the sea expressed through the use of personification in “the sea has always been a confidant” exemplifies the idea that his experiences are provocative to his changed perspectives transformed throughout his journey. The narrative linear structure, “man who had narrated his adventures”, of the text exemplifies the growth of Che Guevara conceived from his confronting and provocative experiences on his journey throughout South America. In addition, this notion is substantiated through the surroundings and emotions conveyed through the chapter/vignette titles, “San Martin de lots Andes” and “Shattered Hopes”. Such vignettes depict his undertaking of reconciliation exemplified by the desertion of their motorcycle in Santiago which signified a “new phase in [their] adventure” - is begun, to traverse Latin America as “hitchhikers”.




Ultimately, an individual's perceptions of themselves are transformed following their provocative experiences and stimulation of new ideas as evidential throughout Che’s and Ulysses discoveries. This consequence of travelling is undergone after individuals surpass the ramifications that fundamentally shape their preconceived that allowing them to cognise their transformation. Both Che Guevara and Alfred Tennyson present the importance of challenging preconceived perceptions allowing the transformation of the individuals perspectives on themselves.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hiiiiii,

Sorry I accidentally posted my AOS essay in the creative writing section...Woops

Is there any chance you could please mark my essay? THANKYOU in advanced!!

Hey! No worries at all, happy to give you some feedback!

Essay with Comments

An individual's discoveries can challenge pre-conceived perspectives leading to a transformation of their perceptions of themselves and society. Nice conceptual start here! I'd expect to see you qualify what you mean by "transformation of their perceptions" though, it can't stay that broad! This transformation is normally often attained after they surpass the ramifications of obstacles that fundamentally shape their perceptions. That sentence was a little wordy; "Often these transformations are only attained after significant obstacles are overcome." or something like that, keep it direct! This transformation is evident in Che Guevara’s bildungsroman memoir “The Motorcycle Diaries” and Alfred Tennyson's poem “Ulysses” as they uncover transformative discoveries whilst travelling. You need a more conclusive sentence here that really addresses the question and hammers your concept home.

The transformation of an individual's new understandings is facilitated by the confronting and provocative experiences encountered by an individual through the discoveries made whilst travelling, as uncovered in Che’s memoir. This sentence seems a little wordy, and doesn't really say much besides "Individuals transform when they travel," you need a little more depth! Is it the challenges that provoke the new understandings? Further, don't rely on plot specific elements such as travel, keep it abstract! The use of first person narration and reflective voice in “all this wandering around ‘our America with a capital A’ has changed me more than I thought”. epitomises a process of reflection revealing that Guevara is aware of his own transformation resulting in renewed perceptions of himself and society. What does this show the audience? Furthermore, Guevara’s cognizance of his change allows him to accept the emotional and spiritual transformation he has undergone as a result of these confronting and provocative experiences which occurred on his travels and is further demonstrated through first person in “the person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil again...I am not the person I once was”.  A little retell here; you aren't linking to Discovery, you are sort of just saying what happened. A little wordy as well. The diction in, “I realised I felt nothing”, stimulates the idea of discovery resulting in an individual's renewed perceptions as Che realises his emotional transformation. Better! Nice link to Discovery, I'd like some more emphasis on the technique though, it sort of gets lost there; why is the diction effective there? Like, how does the technique contribute to the concept? The description of “delightful Chilean countryside, divided into plots, every bit farmed, in stark contrast to our own arid south” implements visual imagery to allow Che to portray his exploration and comprehension of the world around him assisting his process of discovery. Excellent integration of your quote into your idea, nicely done. Guevara’s use of dialogue, “I can't answer you, doctors, but thank you for asking” solidifies Che's self discovery he attains after assisting others along his journey. This embodies the overall change that is explored throughout the Bildungsroman memoir and his lifetime, as he undergoes the transformation from an individual who lacks impact on others people, to a heartwarming figure who aids many. A solid paragraph! Definitely an excellent set of examples and techniques, but you need to do more with them, and part of that will be a slightly stronger and more interesting concept; what is here now is just a tad too generic


Likewise, Tennyson’s “Ulysses”, written as a dramatic monologue, emphasises the stimulation of new ideas as individuals encounter provocative experiences that facilitate the process of discovery. Comparably to Che, Ulysses’s cognizes his transformation through the use of first person narration and tense contrast in “I am part of all that I have met” is a result of his travels stimulating his new understandings. Nice intertextual link there, gives your essay a nice cohesion. Furthermore, Che's transformation is also reflected through Ulysses's desire for adventure which is emphasised through the  metaphorical personification in “roaming with a hungry heart” characterising him as a pioneer for the intellectual adventure he yearns for. Link this to the audience! It's a great example, do more with it! Discovery is depicted in the simile “to follow knowledge like a sinking star” demonstrating the stimulation of new ideas is derived from travelling. Be careful of just saying "Discovery is depicted...", that is super generic. Furthermore the use of “sinking star” symbolises Ulysses as a dying hero now he has concluded his travels. Retell; how does this link to Discovery? The feminine personification of “the vessel puffs her sail” emphasises Ulysses love for adventure and embodies the notion that the effect of discoveries is dependent on the individual's attitude which determines the discovery. You need a more conclusive sentence to finish this paragraph - The first paragraph is much stronger in terms of links to Discovery, mainly due to length differences.

The stimulation of new ideas is a result of physical discovery evoked by an individual's curiosity leading us to new worlds and values. Nice conceptual start to the paragraph. The use of diary entries throughout the memoir provide a sequential record of experience enabling the reader to uncover Che's physical and emotional discoveries. Be sure to introduce which text you are going to start talking about specifically.  The juxtaposition in, “silhouetted against the sea, smothering the waves with silver reflections” exposes the prominent optimism of Che's approach in their physical discoveries through visual imagery and sibilance. What does this show the audience? Also, that quote uses sibilance if you wanted another technique for it. The positive attitude notion derived from their physical discoveries allow for the stimulation of new ideas and new values further conveyed in the visual imagery “yellow-green slopes that melt into blue depths”. First part of that reads awkwardly - "positive attitude notion." Guevara's discovery of the sea expressed through the use of personification in “the sea has always been a confidant” exemplifies the idea that his experiences are provocative to his changed perspectives transformed throughout his journey. The narrative linear structure, “man who had narrated his adventures”, of the text exemplifies the growth of Che Guevara conceived from his confronting and provocative experiences on his journey throughout South America. Link to audience required. In addition, this notion is substantiated through the surroundings and emotions conveyed through the chapter/vignette titles, “San Martin de lots Andes” and “Shattered Hopes”. Such vignettes depict his undertaking of reconciliation exemplified by the desertion of their motorcycle in Santiago which signified a “new phase in [their] adventure” - is begun, to traverse Latin America as “hitchhikers”. Again, a proper conclusion is needed.


Ultimately, an individual's perceptions of themselves are transformed following their provocative experiences and stimulation of new ideas as evidential throughout Che’s and Ulysses discoveries. Try to keep the first sentence of the conclusion conceptual, bring in the texts in the second sentence. This consequence of travelling is undergone after individuals surpass the ramifications that fundamentally shape their preconceived that allowing them to cognise their transformation. Wordy, doesn't quite sit right. Both Che Guevara and Alfred Tennyson present the importance of challenging preconceived perceptions allowing the transformation of the individuals perspectives on themselves. This "challenging preconceived perceptions" idea would have worked well if emphasised before; it's there, but wording it in this way was really powerful!

Thanks for posting your essay Nia! First a few positives:
- Fantastic choice of textual references. You've chosen some really powerful quotes loaded with techniques, you are showing off some excellent textual knowledge.
- Great writing style, I particularly love the way you integrate your quotes into your ideas. Very seamless, which is tough, nicely done!
- No quotes without techniques, so that part of your analysis is excellent. Some quotes had two (or more) techniques with only one identified, try to piggy back more often!

The main things I think you need to work on:
- Conceptual Strength: Your concepts feel a little generic, particularly in that first paragraph which read a bit like a generic Discovery paragraph. Like, your concept is that discoveries are spurred by confronting and provocative experiences, but your analysis is just generic Discovery stuff. Not much evidence for the fact that anything confronting took place for the protagonist. In general, try to maintain your concepts properly and to develop some things that have a bit more depth.
- Balance: Ulysses is seriously lacking in terms of analysis and conceptual links. Having a single paragraph, that paragraph needs to be fantastic, and right now it is your weakest. Lopsided essays don't score as highly
- Audience: Remember to always draw wider implications from your analysis. You always have a technique, but your explanations are a little too much "This is what it shows us about the text, linked to Discovery." Instead, I want "This is what the technique shows the AUDIENCE about Discovery." It's subtle, but that can make a huge difference in marks if done well[/b].
- Wordiness: Some locations where it was a little wordy, being more direct would be beneficial for you.
- Structure: Ensure all paragraphs have proper conclusions.

Don't let the list fool you; this is a great essay that definitely has the fundamentals down. Great evidence, excellent structure; it's now about doing something a little more conceptually rich with the information that you have

[kb123]

Hi-
just a quick question- would it be better to mention the technique you are analysing after or before the quote?

[elysepopplewell]

Hi-
just a quick question- would it be better to mention the technique you are analysing after or before the quote?

Hey! This can work both ways, it's good to change it up!

Example:

The motif of water becomes a consistent symbol in the poem, first being described with a simile as "wavy as sound" in the first stanza.

Example:

"The water was as wavy as sound" opens the poem to establish the motif of the water.

So, it depends on the length of your quote sometimes so that you can still seamlessly add it in there. But changing it up is good!

[kb123]

Hey! This can work both ways, it's good to change it up!

Example:

The motif of water becomes a consistent symbol in the poem, first being described with a simile as "wavy as sound" in the first stanza.

Example:

"The water was as wavy as sound" opens the poem to establish the motif of the water.

So, it depends on the length of your quote sometimes so that you can still seamlessly add it in there. But changing it up is good!

ok my tutor just said that teachers like it better when the technique comes after the quote since that way it seems that you are actually analysing the effect of the technique rather than having just identified it beforehand.

[elysepopplewell]

ok my tutor just said that teachers like it better when the technique comes after the quote since that way it seems that you are actually analysing the effect of the technique rather than having just identified it beforehand.

Although I can see that perspective, I probably have to disagree overall. Provided that you aren't name dropping techniques for the sake of it and are actually fleshing out their purpose, it's fine. Furthermore, if you're talking about a super important technique to the overall work, like a motif that everything stems from, then privileging it at the beginning of a sentence could make it easier for you to draw other connections to and from. I think variation is key

[jamonwindeyer]

ok my tutor just said that teachers like it better when the technique comes after the quote since that way it seems that you are actually analysing the effect of the technique rather than having just identified it beforehand.

I'll also add that using the technique first makes the quote easier to embed into your idea. See below:

In the quote, "obtain a niche in the temple," Shelley uses quasi-religious imagery to resonate with her predominately Christian audience.

Shelley's use of quasi religious imagery in expressing Walton's desire to "obtain a niche in the temple," resonates with her predominately Christian audience.

Further, on my preference, the second sounds better. Identifying the technique first makes you less likely to launch into retell as well. Given a choice, I'd do the technique first (I always did in my HSC)

[J.B]

Hi,
I have a speech coming up where I have to analyse 300 words of my creative writing, the Tempest and a related text.
I have attached my speech (first 300 words are my creative) and I was just wondering if I could get some feedback on my creative writing, and my speech? I was also wondering if I have referred to the Rubric enough? I was also wondering how I could embed my quotes better? Also, if you have any ideas on where i can cut it back a bit?
Here is what i have to include in my speech:

Key Statement:

‘Discovery is an integral part of the human experience.’

How is this perspective on discovery explored in your creative writing, your

prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?

Prepare a 6 minute presentation on the concept of ‘discovery’ in which you address the key statement above.
Your presentation must include:

A 300 word extract of your imaginative composition.

-In the subsequent four minutes of your presentation you should reflect on and analyse your own composition. In this section you should:

 explicitly explain how your creative writing integrates the stimulus material

 clearly identify how the representation of ‘discovery’ in your composition has been shaped and influenced
by your prescribed text and at least one other related text of your own choosing.

 analyse how you have used a range of literary devices in your own composition to represent the concept
of ‘discovery’ suggested in the key statement.

 clearly outline your personal definition of ‘discovery’, explaining how you reached this definition as a
result of your studies.

Thank you.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi,
I have a speech coming up where I have to analyse 300 words of my creative writing, the Tempest and a related text.
I have attached my speech (first 300 words are my creative) and I was just wondering if I could get some feedback on my creative writing, and my speech? I was also wondering if I have referred to the Rubric enough? I was also wondering how I could embed my quotes better? Also, if you have any ideas on where i can cut it back a bit?

We'll be getting this done for you tonight J.B, thanks for your patience!

[J.B]

We'll be getting this done for you tonight J.B, thanks for your patience!

Awesome thank you so so much!! I really appreciate it! If tonight is too hard tomorrow will be fine as well.

[elysepopplewell]

Hi,
I have a speech coming up where I have to analyse 300 words of my creative writing, the Tempest and a related text.
I have attached my speech (first 300 words are my creative) and I was just wondering if I could get some feedback on my creative writing, and my speech? I was also wondering if I have referred to the Rubric enough? I was also wondering how I could embed my quotes better? Also, if you have any ideas on where i can cut it back a bit?
Here is what i have to include in my speech:

Key Statement:

‘Discovery is an integral part of the human experience.’

How is this perspective on discovery explored in your creative writing, your

prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?

Prepare a 6 minute presentation on the concept of ‘discovery’ in which you address the key statement above.
Your presentation must include:

A 300 word extract of your imaginative composition.

-In the subsequent four minutes of your presentation you should reflect on and analyse your own composition. In this section you should:

 explicitly explain how your creative writing integrates the stimulus material

 clearly identify how the representation of ‘discovery’ in your composition has been shaped and influenced
by your prescribed text and at least one other related text of your own choosing.

 analyse how you have used a range of literary devices in your own composition to represent the concept
of ‘discovery’ suggested in the key statement.

 clearly outline your personal definition of ‘discovery’, explaining how you reached this definition as a
result of your studies.

Thank you.

Hey J.B!

I've put some comments in the spoiler below

Spoiler

The light;
Harsh,
Blazing,
Shards,
Swelled to every corner of my sight.
The pitch black void of darkness had escaped from the backs of my eyes. Fragments of shapes blurred out the world that once stood around me. My heart began to tie itself in a knot. Twisting my insides. And my mind. All of my thoughts were trapped, trapped by the glaring lights in my eyes.

What you are reading now is the voice in my mind. I love that you've engaged the reader like this! It really demands attention, very powerful Our minds distort our memories. Twists them into a knot. A knot that hangs over our head, until a sound, a smell pushes them into our mind. And we are reminded of a moment. A distorted view of one moment. Love this!

A knot of memories constantly collapses into my mind. It was a Saturday. My world became entombed inside my head. And ever since this day, when I hear a plane, my mind paints a vessel floating in the abyss of the sky. I stand on the street with the wind roaring in my ear. And I imagine myself standing on a grotesque roof being pounded by the wild wind. Looking over a mosaic of forest. My world is now what I imagine it to be.

I now walk through woods that used to fill my eyes with enchantment. A forgotten shadow comes to life. She sees the light. I like that the shadow is suddenly personified. Right from the moment you directly engaged the reader, you've been playing with our mind. This is another little example of that and it's super effective.Shining through the cracks and floating like specks of magic. But then the echoing sounds of deep chirps from the depths of the forest wraps around my ears. The humming of the woods picks at the twisted, turning knot inside of me. I smell the fresh, crisp air leaking out of the trees and my mind unravels the knots twisted on the towering tree trunks.

The play “The Tempest” by William Shakespeare and the interactive short film “After the Storm” by Andrew Grace have significantly shaped my understanding of discovery and this is embodied in my creative composition. The discovery of one’s surroundings is a catalyst which sparks the change in the understanding of ourselves and therefore deepens and creates a meaningful human experience. Imaginary discoveries and the discovery of the natural world are shown to generate the renewed awareness of oneself. Imaginary discoveries is super interesting, I haven't seen it covered yet at all in another student's work.

My creative composition has utilised this dreamlike stimulus through the transformation of her surroundings becoming an imaginary world led by her senses and is catalysed by the discovery of her setting.  "Her" hasn't been identified as a protagonist yet. So I'd do that - just to maintain formality and use great terminology.

It is the discovery of the overruling force of nature which can alter an individual’s perceptions, leading to new understandings of one’s self. The Tempest demonstrates the sudden discovery of the natural world through the “Green place”. This highlights the new world which is depicted through pastoral idealisation and juxtaposes the old world. Shakespeare included this “green place” to highlight the experimentation of rulerships in the Age of Discovery. The natural world of the island evokes a fantasy world which sparks new understandings. Gonzalo sees the island’s beauty and this is a catalyst for the discovery of a utopian world in his mind. The “Green place” also creates the self-discovery in Alonso of his Kingship wrongdoings. Shakespeare has highlighted these evoked discoveries through Gonzalo’s metaphor for all humanity “all of us, ourselves when no man was his own.” This metaphor emphasises the need of the discovery of the “green world” to create deep transformations of ourselves and our human experience.

I think that we just need to make more of a connection between the two, which comes in your delivery. Saying something like "Similarly," forces your audience to make the connection based on similarities. When you delivery it, say it in a somewhat conversational way so that you maintain engagement, but also maintain your formality. The overruling force of nature is also highlighted in “after the storm” as the unexpected but meaningful discovery of the tornado leads to a confronting emotional journey similar to Alonso’s in The Tempest. Ok I see you've made the connection here - I would flip it and put the connective part at the start of the sentence The unexpected tornado is transformative for an individual’s emotional identity as it will always spark fear and grief. The effects of this discovery of nature is highlighted through the visual motif of trees. This is epitomised through the visual comparison of tree growth rings to the events in Andrew’s life. This reveals the epiphany stage of discovery where the new understanding of one’s strength and self is generated. The discovery of the natural world’s forces in this short film has clearly created an emotional transformation of the human experience in Andrew’s life.

My related texts have shaped my composition to illustrate the natural world as a catalyst for self discovery. This sentence doesn't really say anything too important - it simply agrees with the task you've been given and it doesn't show any real flair. Perhaps: "This exploration of discovery within a human experience inspired the way I illustrated the natural world in relation to discovery in my own composition." Obviously smooth it out to suit your voice and tone. Through her senses the woods trigger a rediscovery of wonder in the protagonist, which in turn catalyses a self discovery of her new imagined world. The pastoral imagery and the motif of a knot in my composition was influenced by both “The Tempest” and “After the Storm”. As seen through “The humming of the woods picks at the twisted, turning knot...” This quote clearly illustrates the knot motif symbolising the loss of her sight creating trauma. The unravelling of this knot evoked by nature illustrates the transformation of herself into acceptance and the deepening of her human experience.

Imagined landscapes forces the questioning of an individual’s concept of reality and generates a meaningful individual human experience. Consider how you will express this. It is a really stand-alone statement so you need to match that with emphasis in delivery, otherwise it may seem like a random statement that jars your flow.

In the Tempest there is a blurred reality. The imaginary discoveries are shown through the magic created by Prospero which represents the interest in the supernatural in the Elizabethan era. The inclusion of this imagined world as directed by Prospero evokes many emotional discoveries in the character’s psyches. Prospero’s imaginary world starts in media res in the illusion of a storm. This storm results in Ferdinand’s emotional discovery of Miranda. Prospero’s description of "The direful spectacle of the wreck" illustrates his reference to the spectacle as a theatrical display highlighting the metatheater used by Shakespeare. Prospero is a playwright in the masque for Miranda and Ferdinand which leads to their emotional awakening. This metatheater therefore emphasises how Prospero’s creation of the imaginary world, disrupts the physical world and stimulates emotional discoveries in the character psyches.

“After the Storm” similarly reveals the blurred concept of reality through Andrew’s imaginary concept of what once stood. This imaginary discovery leads to the rediscovery of his emotional trauma. Similar to the metatheater in the Tempest, Andrew’s use of authorial intrusion shown through “dear future disaster survivor” captures the audience to realise the imaginary discovery of past memories. Furthermore, the interactive use of the audience to recreate what once stood also breaks the “fourth wall” and highlights the confronting emotional discovery created from the imagined concept.

These two texts then influenced my composition, where I have broken the fourth wall through authorial intrusion to emphasise the imaginary discovery. Really excellent analysis here!My composition explores the imaginary perception of the world around her to create a renewed self-discovery. The authorial intrusion of “What you are reading now…” creates a link for the audience into her imagined world and how this sparks a new depth in her human experience. Her new imagined world is now influenced by her discovery of her senses, and creates a renewed intricate human experience.

As a result of the deep study of these two texts, my personal definition of discovery has been greatly shaped and is embodied in my creative writing. Discovery - Our personal human experience is revealed and exposed when the perspective of ourselves is transformed, by our enlightened surroundings.

I think this is just wonderful. You seem to be in an excellent place in terms of your knowledge of the two prescribed and related texts! This is a really interesting task that your teacher has set you but I think it will really pay off because you're being forced to critically look at your own composition. I'd give you full marks for all sections of the criteria, except the one where it asks you to explore your own perception of discovery. I think this could be done more cohesively. Each idea is dealt with in isolation and I think stringing it all together would be super handy for your work, because it unites ideas but also sews your flow together! This could be achieved at the end with a really wholesome reflective statement, but I think it would be best to flick between how the different types of discoveries compliment each other - and then define discovery from YOUR perspective.

Otherwise, this looks wonderful and I hope to be able to read your full creative piece one day!

With speeches, delivery is everything. How do you feel about your delivery? Are you nervous or usually pretty comfortable with this kind of thing?

[J.B]

Hey J.B!

I've put some comments in the spoiler below

Spoiler

The light;
Harsh,
Blazing,
Shards,
Swelled to every corner of my sight.
The pitch black void of darkness had escaped from the backs of my eyes. Fragments of shapes blurred out the world that once stood around me. My heart began to tie itself in a knot. Twisting my insides. And my mind. All of my thoughts were trapped, trapped by the glaring lights in my eyes.

What you are reading now is the voice in my mind. I love that you've engaged the reader like this! It really demands attention, very powerful Our minds distort our memories. Twists them into a knot. A knot that hangs over our head, until a sound, a smell pushes them into our mind. And we are reminded of a moment. A distorted view of one moment. Love this!

A knot of memories constantly collapses into my mind. It was a Saturday. My world became entombed inside my head. And ever since this day, when I hear a plane, my mind paints a vessel floating in the abyss of the sky. I stand on the street with the wind roaring in my ear. And I imagine myself standing on a grotesque roof being pounded by the wild wind. Looking over a mosaic of forest. My world is now what I imagine it to be.

I now walk through woods that used to fill my eyes with enchantment. A forgotten shadow comes to life. She sees the light. I like that the shadow is suddenly personified. Right from the moment you directly engaged the reader, you've been playing with our mind. This is another little example of that and it's super effective.Shining through the cracks and floating like specks of magic. But then the echoing sounds of deep chirps from the depths of the forest wraps around my ears. The humming of the woods picks at the twisted, turning knot inside of me. I smell the fresh, crisp air leaking out of the trees and my mind unravels the knots twisted on the towering tree trunks.

The play “The Tempest” by William Shakespeare and the interactive short film “After the Storm” by Andrew Grace have significantly shaped my understanding of discovery and this is embodied in my creative composition. The discovery of one’s surroundings is a catalyst which sparks the change in the understanding of ourselves and therefore deepens and creates a meaningful human experience. Imaginary discoveries and the discovery of the natural world are shown to generate the renewed awareness of oneself. Imaginary discoveries is super interesting, I haven't seen it covered yet at all in another student's work.

My creative composition has utilised this dreamlike stimulus through the transformation of her surroundings becoming an imaginary world led by her senses and is catalysed by the discovery of her setting.  "Her" hasn't been identified as a protagonist yet. So I'd do that - just to maintain formality and use great terminology.

It is the discovery of the overruling force of nature which can alter an individual’s perceptions, leading to new understandings of one’s self. The Tempest demonstrates the sudden discovery of the natural world through the “Green place”. This highlights the new world which is depicted through pastoral idealisation and juxtaposes the old world. Shakespeare included this “green place” to highlight the experimentation of rulerships in the Age of Discovery. The natural world of the island evokes a fantasy world which sparks new understandings. Gonzalo sees the island’s beauty and this is a catalyst for the discovery of a utopian world in his mind. The “Green place” also creates the self-discovery in Alonso of his Kingship wrongdoings. Shakespeare has highlighted these evoked discoveries through Gonzalo’s metaphor for all humanity “all of us, ourselves when no man was his own.” This metaphor emphasises the need of the discovery of the “green world” to create deep transformations of ourselves and our human experience.

I think that we just need to make more of a connection between the two, which comes in your delivery. Saying something like "Similarly," forces your audience to make the connection based on similarities. When you delivery it, say it in a somewhat conversational way so that you maintain engagement, but also maintain your formality. The overruling force of nature is also highlighted in “after the storm” as the unexpected but meaningful discovery of the tornado leads to a confronting emotional journey similar to Alonso’s in The Tempest. Ok I see you've made the connection here - I would flip it and put the connective part at the start of the sentence The unexpected tornado is transformative for an individual’s emotional identity as it will always spark fear and grief. The effects of this discovery of nature is highlighted through the visual motif of trees. This is epitomised through the visual comparison of tree growth rings to the events in Andrew’s life. This reveals the epiphany stage of discovery where the new understanding of one’s strength and self is generated. The discovery of the natural world’s forces in this short film has clearly created an emotional transformation of the human experience in Andrew’s life.

My related texts have shaped my composition to illustrate the natural world as a catalyst for self discovery. This sentence doesn't really say anything too important - it simply agrees with the task you've been given and it doesn't show any real flair. Perhaps: "This exploration of discovery within a human experience inspired the way I illustrated the natural world in relation to discovery in my own composition." Obviously smooth it out to suit your voice and tone. Through her senses the woods trigger a rediscovery of wonder in the protagonist, which in turn catalyses a self discovery of her new imagined world. The pastoral imagery and the motif of a knot in my composition was influenced by both “The Tempest” and “After the Storm”. As seen through “The humming of the woods picks at the twisted, turning knot...” This quote clearly illustrates the knot motif symbolising the loss of her sight creating trauma. The unravelling of this knot evoked by nature illustrates the transformation of herself into acceptance and the deepening of her human experience.

Imagined landscapes forces the questioning of an individual’s concept of reality and generates a meaningful individual human experience. Consider how you will express this. It is a really stand-alone statement so you need to match that with emphasis in delivery, otherwise it may seem like a random statement that jars your flow.

In the Tempest there is a blurred reality. The imaginary discoveries are shown through the magic created by Prospero which represents the interest in the supernatural in the Elizabethan era. The inclusion of this imagined world as directed by Prospero evokes many emotional discoveries in the character’s psyches. Prospero’s imaginary world starts in media res in the illusion of a storm. This storm results in Ferdinand’s emotional discovery of Miranda. Prospero’s description of "The direful spectacle of the wreck" illustrates his reference to the spectacle as a theatrical display highlighting the metatheater used by Shakespeare. Prospero is a playwright in the masque for Miranda and Ferdinand which leads to their emotional awakening. This metatheater therefore emphasises how Prospero’s creation of the imaginary world, disrupts the physical world and stimulates emotional discoveries in the character psyches.

“After the Storm” similarly reveals the blurred concept of reality through Andrew’s imaginary concept of what once stood. This imaginary discovery leads to the rediscovery of his emotional trauma. Similar to the metatheater in the Tempest, Andrew’s use of authorial intrusion shown through “dear future disaster survivor” captures the audience to realise the imaginary discovery of past memories. Furthermore, the interactive use of the audience to recreate what once stood also breaks the “fourth wall” and highlights the confronting emotional discovery created from the imagined concept.

These two texts then influenced my composition, where I have broken the fourth wall through authorial intrusion to emphasise the imaginary discovery. Really excellent analysis here!My composition explores the imaginary perception of the world around her to create a renewed self-discovery. The authorial intrusion of “What you are reading now…” creates a link for the audience into her imagined world and how this sparks a new depth in her human experience. Her new imagined world is now influenced by her discovery of her senses, and creates a renewed intricate human experience.

As a result of the deep study of these two texts, my personal definition of discovery has been greatly shaped and is embodied in my creative writing. Discovery - Our personal human experience is revealed and exposed when the perspective of ourselves is transformed, by our enlightened surroundings.

I think this is just wonderful. You seem to be in an excellent place in terms of your knowledge of the two prescribed and related texts! This is a really interesting task that your teacher has set you but I think it will really pay off because you're being forced to critically look at your own composition. I'd give you full marks for all sections of the criteria, except the one where it asks you to explore your own perception of discovery. I think this could be done more cohesively. Each idea is dealt with in isolation and I think stringing it all together would be super handy for your work, because it unites ideas but also sews your flow together! This could be achieved at the end with a really wholesome reflective statement, but I think it would be best to flick between how the different types of discoveries compliment each other - and then define discovery from YOUR perspective.

Otherwise, this looks wonderful and I hope to be able to read your full creative piece one day!

With speeches, delivery is everything. How do you feel about your delivery? Are you nervous or usually pretty comfortable with this kind of thing?

Thank you so much!!!

I plan to redraft my whole creative in the holidays, so when i get enough posts, I would love some of your feedback on it. We are give the option of either presenting as a speech, or pre-recording yourself and then presenting. I am pretty comfortable with speaking, but I was thinking of pre-recording and making a video with it, as I feel this way I will be able to make sure that I sound confident, and engage the audience more through my video, and also make sure that I am exactly within the time limit. What do you think?
I'm still a bit stuck on my last paragraph on how to link it all together and present my own personal definition. Is this any better?

"The exploration of these texts has revealed the discoveries of the natural world intertwining with the imaginary discoveries to renew an individual’s perception, which in turn deepens one’s human experience. This revelation greatly shaped my personal definition as embodied in my creative writing. Discovery – When we are enlightened by our surroundings, our individual perspective is transformed to deepen and expose our human experience."

Thank you so much!
Jamie.

[xenbay]

Hey was hoping you could check my essay to see if I stick properly to my thesis.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey was hoping you could check my essay to see if I stick properly to my thesis.

Hey xenbay! Welcome to the forums!

Thanks heaps for posting your essay! we have a rule that you need 15 posts on ATAR Notes for every piece of feedback on an essay. This is just to ensure the service doesn't become too clogged, and that it goes to the people who are contributing to the community this is a really easy thing to do, just hang around the site a tad, ask a few questions, have a chat (etc) and you'll build up 15 posts in no time!

Full essay marking rules are available here

Once again, welcome!!