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jamonwindeyer:
--- Quote from: hanaacdr on April 01, 2017, 08:42:52 pm ---Hi
Could you please mark my essay for me,
* “The significant people and schools of thought in Buddhism that have the most impact are those that challenge adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely.”
* How accurate is this statement in relation to ONE significant person or school of thought, other than the Buddha?
--- End quote ---
Hey! Absolutely - Didn't study Buddhism though so take my feedback for what it is worth! :)
Essay with Feedback in BOLDThe most important people and schools of thought in Buddhism are those that challenge adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely, such as the XIVth Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyataso. It is a restatement of the question, but there isn't necessarily anything wrong with that. If you wanted to elevate, try adding some new spin/element to this idea. He is an internationally recognised figure as well as being the religious and political leader of Tibetan Buddhism. His tremendous impact to challenge Buddhists to follow the teachings more closely can be seen in the way he has contributed to both the development and expression of Buddhism. This is reinforced through the principle beliefs of Buddhism, the way he has promoted messages of peace, environmental ethics and modernized Buddhist teachings. Great introduction! Simple, answers the question, can't ask for more :)
The Dalai Lama reinforces the principle beliefs of Buddhism such as the five precepts, the four noble truths and the three jewels, which emphasize the best ways to attain nirvana and lead a skillful life so as to avoid samsara. By reinforcing these expressions of Buddhism he has challenged adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely such as the five precepts abandoning, killing, stealing, unwise and unkind sexual behavior, lying, and taking intoxicants (alcohol, recreational drugs, and misuse of prescription medicines). Something about those two sentences seems a little off syntax wise -
It could be worth splitting them into three sentences to make it a little clearer. Besides that, nicely done!. The four noble truths are the foundation of Buddha’s teaching and they unite the different schools of Buddhism and their differing practices, as the Dalai Lama stated, “the four noble truths, the ultimate method to overcome ignorance is wisdom understanding reality.” The four noble truths include suffering (dukka), craving (Samudāya), the cessation of suffering (Nirodha) and the Noble Eightfold Path (enlightenment). Try not to go too much into the details of the ethics and beliefs of Buddhism - Keep the focus on the impact of the Dalai Lama. The Dalai Lama also emphasises the three jewels, “Three Jewels of refuge… because if we understand what they are, it becomes easier to have faith or confidence and trust in them”, suggesting the significance and great importance of the three jewels in order to challenge adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely. Perhaps a little too much description of Buddhism as a religion, over how the Dalai Lama has impacted on it. Try and be specific with the impact of the significant person, what actual tangible ways is the modern adherent impacted?
The ultimate goal of Buddhism is peace, not only peace in this world but peace in all worlds, the Dalai Lama is an accurate representation of peace through his works such as the five-point peace plan as well as his recognitions, the Noble peace prize, 1989. How does this relate to challenging adherents to follow teachings? Be sure to keep the focus on the question. Within his Five Point Peace Plan, he proclaimed that, “…lasting peace can only be achieved if we think in terms of broader interest rather than parochial needs.” Nice inclusion of quotes. This is significant, because it demonstrates the Dalai Lama’s value of peace as it prevents the occurrence of war breaking out between the much more powerful China and Tibet, and allows him to focus on solidifying the peace between the two nations through his efforts to challenge adherents to follow Buddhism more closely. Which teaching is being followed more closely? Try to be as specific as possible when you are responding to the question. Don't leave doubt that you deserve the marks. The Buddha, much similar to the Dalai Lama, emphasises that the first step on the path to peace is understanding the causality of peace, hence, when we understand what causes peace, we know where to direct our efforts, this is seen through verse 5 of the Dhammapada which states, "Hatred is never appeased by hatred. Hatred is only appeased by Love” which reinforces the extreme importance Buddhism shows towards peace and love. Does this directly relate to your significant person's work? Thus through the Dalai Lama’s efforts to attain peace in the world as well as his world- wide recognition as the recipient of the 1989 noble peace prize which encourages adherents to follow Buddhism more closely. Another good paragraph, but I feel you are still being a little vague - Lots of room to really hone in on the question and hammer it home.
The Dalai Lama’s rhetoric and speeches have assisted in shaping Buddhists approaches and philosophy to modern ethical and environmental issues through applying the principles of the five precepts and prajna in order to benefit the environment, thus having a significant impact on the religion by enabling it to be dynamic and living. Nice intro! Again though, try and work the question in there - Challenge! The Dalai Lama encourages a thoughtful application of the First Precept: “Our practice of nonviolence applies not just to human beings but to all sentient beings.” While this wisdom is important to Buddhists and non-Buddhists alike, it presents a distinct concern for the future of the environment in regards to every living being, this advocacy allows for Buddhist adherents to follow Buddhism more closely. The First Precept encourages the avoidance of harming living beings, and by encouraging mindfulness in regards to the environment, the Dalai Lama is able to guide the efforts of Buddhists to show concern for the living beings affected by its degradation. Good - This is what I mean about being specific, this is a real, tangible, specific way that the modern adherent has their world view altered/challenged. This would be something, if linked properly, that would score big points. The Dalai Lama reinforces the Sila, the principle of human behavior that promotes orderly and peaceful existence in a community, through his assertion, “Destruction of nature and nature resources results from ignorance, greed and lack of respect for the earth's living things.” Hence allowing Buddhists to mimic it. And challenging them to follow the teaching of Sila more closely. Through the declaration of the management of the environment and the requirement of application of moral virtues such as the eight fold path, “right view, right resolve, right speech, right conduct, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right "samadhi"”. Thus through the direct impact on design and formulation of Buddhist thought on the environment, allowing adherents and non- adherents to follow Buddhism more closely. Nice inclusion of quotes - I'd say this is your strongest paragraph.
Hence, through the the principle beliefs of Buddhism, the way the 14th Dalai Lama has promoted messages of peace, environmental ethics and modernized Buddhist teachings, encourages adherents to follow Buddhism more closely. Try a little beefier conclusion - Fully restate some of the ideas in your Thesis and conclude more completely, if you have time.
Really strong essay here hanaacdr! Lots of quotes (awesome) and a clear knowledge of Buddhism - Excellent work! ;D just be careful to put the detail where it counts - You won't get points for detail in the wrong areas. Put the detail on the Dalai Lama, and how his work impacts on adherents to challenge them to adhere to Buddhism more closely. Don't put so much detail into the teachings themselves or where they come from - That is less relevant and less effective for your purposes :)
Hopefully this feedback helps! If anyone has studied or is studying Buddhism and has feedback for hanaacdr, please feel free to share it ;D
hanaacdr:
--- Quote from: jamonwindeyer on April 03, 2017, 09:38:02 pm ---Hey! Absolutely - Didn't study Buddhism though so take my feedback for what it is worth! :)
Essay with Feedback in BOLDThe most important people and schools of thought in Buddhism are those that challenge adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely, such as the XIVth Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyataso. It is a restatement of the question, but there isn't necessarily anything wrong with that. If you wanted to elevate, try adding some new spin/element to this idea. He is an internationally recognised figure as well as being the religious and political leader of Tibetan Buddhism. His tremendous impact to challenge Buddhists to follow the teachings more closely can be seen in the way he has contributed to both the development and expression of Buddhism. This is reinforced through the principle beliefs of Buddhism, the way he has promoted messages of peace, environmental ethics and modernized Buddhist teachings. Great introduction! Simple, answers the question, can't ask for more :)
The Dalai Lama reinforces the principle beliefs of Buddhism such as the five precepts, the four noble truths and the three jewels, which emphasize the best ways to attain nirvana and lead a skillful life so as to avoid samsara. By reinforcing these expressions of Buddhism he has challenged adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely such as the five precepts abandoning, killing, stealing, unwise and unkind sexual behavior, lying, and taking intoxicants (alcohol, recreational drugs, and misuse of prescription medicines). Something about those two sentences seems a little off syntax wise -
It could be worth splitting them into three sentences to make it a little clearer. Besides that, nicely done!. The four noble truths are the foundation of Buddha’s teaching and they unite the different schools of Buddhism and their differing practices, as the Dalai Lama stated, “the four noble truths, the ultimate method to overcome ignorance is wisdom understanding reality.” The four noble truths include suffering (dukka), craving (Samudāya), the cessation of suffering (Nirodha) and the Noble Eightfold Path (enlightenment). Try not to go too much into the details of the ethics and beliefs of Buddhism - Keep the focus on the impact of the Dalai Lama. The Dalai Lama also emphasises the three jewels, “Three Jewels of refuge… because if we understand what they are, it becomes easier to have faith or confidence and trust in them”, suggesting the significance and great importance of the three jewels in order to challenge adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely. Perhaps a little too much description of Buddhism as a religion, over how the Dalai Lama has impacted on it. Try and be specific with the impact of the significant person, what actual tangible ways is the modern adherent impacted?
The ultimate goal of Buddhism is peace, not only peace in this world but peace in all worlds, the Dalai Lama is an accurate representation of peace through his works such as the five-point peace plan as well as his recognitions, the Noble peace prize, 1989. How does this relate to challenging adherents to follow teachings? Be sure to keep the focus on the question. Within his Five Point Peace Plan, he proclaimed that, “…lasting peace can only be achieved if we think in terms of broader interest rather than parochial needs.” Nice inclusion of quotes. This is significant, because it demonstrates the Dalai Lama’s value of peace as it prevents the occurrence of war breaking out between the much more powerful China and Tibet, and allows him to focus on solidifying the peace between the two nations through his efforts to challenge adherents to follow Buddhism more closely. Which teaching is being followed more closely? Try to be as specific as possible when you are responding to the question. Don't leave doubt that you deserve the marks. The Buddha, much similar to the Dalai Lama, emphasises that the first step on the path to peace is understanding the causality of peace, hence, when we understand what causes peace, we know where to direct our efforts, this is seen through verse 5 of the Dhammapada which states, "Hatred is never appeased by hatred. Hatred is only appeased by Love” which reinforces the extreme importance Buddhism shows towards peace and love. Does this directly relate to your significant person's work? Thus through the Dalai Lama’s efforts to attain peace in the world as well as his world- wide recognition as the recipient of the 1989 noble peace prize which encourages adherents to follow Buddhism more closely. Another good paragraph, but I feel you are still being a little vague - Lots of room to really hone in on the question and hammer it home.
The Dalai Lama’s rhetoric and speeches have assisted in shaping Buddhists approaches and philosophy to modern ethical and environmental issues through applying the principles of the five precepts and prajna in order to benefit the environment, thus having a significant impact on the religion by enabling it to be dynamic and living. Nice intro! Again though, try and work the question in there - Challenge! The Dalai Lama encourages a thoughtful application of the First Precept: “Our practice of nonviolence applies not just to human beings but to all sentient beings.” While this wisdom is important to Buddhists and non-Buddhists alike, it presents a distinct concern for the future of the environment in regards to every living being, this advocacy allows for Buddhist adherents to follow Buddhism more closely. The First Precept encourages the avoidance of harming living beings, and by encouraging mindfulness in regards to the environment, the Dalai Lama is able to guide the efforts of Buddhists to show concern for the living beings affected by its degradation. Good - This is what I mean about being specific, this is a real, tangible, specific way that the modern adherent has their world view altered/challenged. This would be something, if linked properly, that would score big points. The Dalai Lama reinforces the Sila, the principle of human behavior that promotes orderly and peaceful existence in a community, through his assertion, “Destruction of nature and nature resources results from ignorance, greed and lack of respect for the earth's living things.” Hence allowing Buddhists to mimic it. And challenging them to follow the teaching of Sila more closely. Through the declaration of the management of the environment and the requirement of application of moral virtues such as the eight fold path, “right view, right resolve, right speech, right conduct, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right "samadhi"”. Thus through the direct impact on design and formulation of Buddhist thought on the environment, allowing adherents and non- adherents to follow Buddhism more closely. Nice inclusion of quotes - I'd say this is your strongest paragraph.
Hence, through the the principle beliefs of Buddhism, the way the 14th Dalai Lama has promoted messages of peace, environmental ethics and modernized Buddhist teachings, encourages adherents to follow Buddhism more closely. Try a little beefier conclusion - Fully restate some of the ideas in your Thesis and conclude more completely, if you have time.
Really strong essay here hanaacdr! Lots of quotes (awesome) and a clear knowledge of Buddhism - Excellent work! ;D just be careful to put the detail where it counts - You won't get points for detail in the wrong areas. Put the detail on the Dalai Lama, and how his work impacts on adherents to challenge them to adhere to Buddhism more closely. Don't put so much detail into the teachings themselves or where they come from - That is less relevant and less effective for your purposes :)
Hopefully this feedback helps! If anyone has studied or is studying Buddhism and has feedback for hanaacdr, please feel free to share it ;D
--- End quote ---
thank you!
MA000000:
Hi im new here can you please mark my essay on islamic sexual ethics and please make sure the essay flows.
Thanks in adavance
jamonwindeyer:
--- Quote from: MA000000 on April 26, 2017, 07:29:07 pm ---Hi im new here can you please mark my essay on islamic sexual ethics and please make sure the essay flows.
Thanks in adavance
--- End quote ---
Hey MA000000! Welcome to the forums! ;D
Thanks for posting your essay! To receive feedback, you need 15 posts on ATAR Notes for every piece you'd like marked. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up, and makes sure we can spend the 30 mins - 1 hour we like to spend giving proper help :) check out the essay marking rules for more details!
So hang around the site for a bit! Ask questions and have a chat - You'll build up the 15 posts really quick, then just let me know when you do! :)
mjorfian:
Hiya! It's me again. Would you guys mind giving me a bit of advice on how to answer this essay question? I'm not quite sure what it's asking for. I understand I have to address sacred writings, but would I have to bring in bioethics in it as well? How would you go about structuring it? Last time, my essay feedback from my teachers were that I didn't quite address jewish beliefs as the overarching argument, and that I would pretty much have to do it for every essay but I'm still lost on how to link it seemlessly. Here's the question:
“Sacred writings draw on the wisdom of the past even as they give voice to the issues and concerns of the present.” (Anon.)
Explain how Judaism draws on the wisdom of the past to guide the lives of adherents today.
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