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Free SOR Essay Marking!
elysepopplewell:
--- Quote from: Happy Physics Land on June 05, 2016, 12:40:00 am ---Hey Guys!
I have an SOR assessment coming up and I have written a foundational essay in preparation for it. For some reason I never score too well in SOR because I haven't made effective references to the stimulus. If any of you would have a minute to spare can you please have a brief look at my essay??? Thank you so much in advance!!!! <3
Thank you guys!!!!!!!!
Best Regards
Happy Physics Land
--- End quote ---
Hey HPL! It's worth your knowing that this is quite a difficult SOR question. It would be nasty to get this in an exam! But, it's great for you to prepare an essay for because there's a lot in here that you could use for other essays. It's also a lot to write in a short amount of time - I just want you to be aware of that!
Here is your essay with my comments in bold throughout:
Spoiler“During the normal Hajj, if you break the state of Ihraam (sanctity) between Umrah & Hajj, you shall expiate by offering an animal sacrifice. If you cannot afford it, you shall fast three days during Hajj and seven when you return home – this completes ten – provided you do not live at the Sacred Masjid. You shall observe GOD, and know that GOD is strict in enforcing retribution”
– Qur’an Surah 2 Verse 196
Evaluate the importance of the Hajj in reflecting and expressing the beliefs of Islam and its impact upon the adherents. In your response, refer specifically to the stimulus provided above.
As the fifth pillar of Islamic faith, the completion of the Hajj – a pilgrimage to Mecca – is pivotal to both the adherents and the religion as a whole because it affirms principal Islamic beliefs and unites different Muslim communities through a series of rituals which ultimately lead to a holistic submission to Allah. Wonderful!!!!The Hajj is highly significant because it promotes a state of Ihraam (sanctity) and allows adherents to retrace the path of Prophet Muhammad, Ibrahim and Ishmael. As an outcome, Muslims are granted access to observe God, and understand that God is strict in enforcing retribution.
The Hajj is a 12-day strenuous pilgrimage to Mecca that every healthy and capable Muslim must undertake at least once in their lives. It requires the individuals to expel Satan, give zakaat, pray for forgiveness and express their beliefs in Tawhid in order to become spiritually fulfilled. As an outcome of completing the Hajj without committing obscenity, Prophet Muhammad claims that “they will come out as the day they were born – pure and free from sins”. Make sure you give the reference details for this quote - a marker might want to verify!The Hajj initiates with the performance of Umrah, during which the adherents place themselves in a sacred state of Ihraam. Adherents then circumambulate around the Ka’bah (Tawaf) and perform the sa’y, which involves walking 7 times between Mount Safa and Marwa as Hajar and Ishmael did.. The Dhul Hijjah commences on the 8th day, where Muslims participate in rituals such as Arafat (praying), Jamarat (stoning of devil) as Abraham did, and Eid al-Adha (sacrifice of lamb) Zakat, to strengthen their faith in Allah. These rituals are integral to the Hajj and it is through these practices that the adherents can be empowered by central Islamic beliefs.
As an essential symbol of the Hajj, Ihraam is a state of sanctity which unites all members of the Islamic community and expresses the adherent’s religious preparedness to undertake the pilgrimage. It is a primary component of Umrah which requires Muslim adherents to wear white garments, abstain from perfumes and refrain from profanity, sex or fighting because all adherents are equal in the eyes of Allah, regardless of wealth or race. If a pilgrim breaks the state of Ihraam between Umrah and Hajj, he/she shall expiate by offering an animal sacrifice. If they cannot afford it, then they shall fast three days during Hajj and seven upon return to home (Qur’an Surah 2:196). It doesn't hurt you to have this in there, but it also is unnecessary and doesn't add much. In an essay as long as this, you want everything to be punchy and strong. Ihraam conveys the principal belief of Tawhid – all must surrender to the omnipotence of Allah Great! Seriously, great!– through depicting that all adherents are spiritually equal before the one unique God Be consistent - I suggest you use Allah the entire way as you begun.. As a result of complying with physical restrictions of Ihraam, the differences in social status and religious interpretations are eliminated(Wonderful point! Well expressed!). This effectively unites the umma based upon their common belief in Allah. For individuals, Ihraam is significant because it enables each adherent to develop an acute sense of equality amongst humanity. In addition, Ihraam prepares the adherents for the purification of soul and refinement of faith, as the white garment is symbolic of one’s liberation from obscenity. For contemporary believers who continue to practise the Hajj, their relationships with God and with each other are repaired and strengthened through sincere communications carried out on equal platforms. This allows adherents to become familiarised with God and be blessed in their daily lives. Reiterate that full submission to Allah is the ultimate goal.
The ritual of Arafat marks the official commencement to the Hajj and it undertakes a significant role for enhancing the bond between the adherents and God through prayer. It involves the collective supplication, repentance and worship towards the Merciful God on Mount Arafat. As a result, it confirms the Islamic belief in the Judgment Day because it prepares Muslim adherents for the arrival of Allah where all humanity will be stripped off their earthly possessions and be judged through Islamic jurisprudence. Through sacrificing time and carnal desires to become genuinely engaged in prayer, individuals can gain an incessant remembrance and firm love of God. Furthermore, Arafat provides an opportunity for Muslims to experience spiritual rebirth through an increase in piety, virtuousness and patience. For the entire umma, Arafat promotes a universal God-consciousness and a sense of brotherhood and sisterhood amongst all adherents in an environment of prayer. This is reinforced in Qur’an 2:199 “When you file from Arafat, you shall commemorate God … you shall file together … ask God for forgiveness. God is Forgiver, Most Merciful.” For modern believers, Arafat fosters their mental strength, patience, and reminds them of the importance of the daily salat that they must carry out 5 times a day to enhance their bonds with God.
Jamarat, or the stoning of devils, is important for Muslims because this symbolic action expresses their denial towards evil and affirms the Islamic foundational belief in prophets. Historically, Jamarat commemorates Ibrahim’s allegiance towards God as an outcome of his resistance towards the devil’s temptation. It involves the throwing of pebbles towards three pillars (or walls) which represent the three instances upon which the devil entices Abraham to disobey God’s will. Jamarat primarily conveys the belief in Tawhid through challenging the devil, which is symbolic of the adherent’s total submission to the commands and protection of the unique and omniscient Allah. This ritual also recognises the Islamic intrinsic belief in prophets, because it celebrates Ibrahim’s resilience against the devil’s temptation and Ishmael’s willingness to be sacrificed. Jamarat significantly transforms individuals through jihad, where adherents sacrifice their time, strength and money to struggle against external evils. Quran 9:36 similarly proclaims that “You may declare all-out war against the idol worshipers … know that God is on the side of the righteous”, encouraging Muslims to battle with evil. It further unites the umma by bringing together millions of Muslims of all races to form a fellowship for the expulsion of evil. Contemporary adherents who practise the Jamarat during the Hajj can become more resolute in their everyday lives to pursue a holy life, refrain from unethical conducts such as violence and promiscuity, and deny the addictive temptation from drugs and alcohols.
By examining the importance of Ihraam, Arafat and Jamarat to expressing the central beliefs of Islam, the exceptional significance of the Hajj for both the individuals and the umma is manifested. This ritual guides contemporary adherents to avoid breaking the Ihraam, or they will have to expiate by fasting three days during Hajj and seven upon return to home. Evidently, the practise of the Hajj continues to illuminate the everyday lives of believers and culminate in the enhanced spirituality of Muslims through strengthening the bond with Allah.
Hey, great work! Some suggestions:
-Wherever possible, use the Arabic word. You do this most of the time, but just make sure your consistent with little things like Allah/God.
-Reference the stimulus by even focusing on the tiniest little sections of the quote. Take just half a sentence and thread it into the end of a sentence and put the reference to the quote at the end. I can see you've made a conscious effort, but the explicit references to the quote are what gives you the marks. Ideally, you'd reference the stimulus specifically in each and every paragraph.
-Using the Sacred text more - rack up a list of great, easy to use, quotes from the Hadiths and Qur'an - and even scholars! Bank these up in your study notes. Make sure they are the kind of quotes that apply across various questions you could be asked about Hajj. In each paragraph, you want to have a Sacred text reference - if this is the stimulus, so be it. But you can't rely on there being a stimulus to use (although there seems to be a trend of BOSTES doing that now!).
Let me know if this makes sense? Your knowledge of the Hajj isn't doubted for a second. You have a very clear vision of how Hajj works and why, it appears. You should be stoked! It's just a matter of going the extra mile now to secure the top band. Part of that is the stimulus, part of that is referencing.
Hope this helps! :)
Happy Physics Land:
--- Quote from: elysepopplewell on June 06, 2016, 07:47:15 pm ---Hey HPL! It's worth your knowing that this is quite a difficult SOR question. It would be nasty to get this in an exam! But, it's great for you to prepare an essay for because there's a lot in here that you could use for other essays. It's also a lot to write in a short amount of time - I just want you to be aware of that!
Here is your essay with my comments in bold throughout:
Spoiler“During the normal Hajj, if you break the state of Ihraam (sanctity) between Umrah & Hajj, you shall expiate by offering an animal sacrifice. If you cannot afford it, you shall fast three days during Hajj and seven when you return home – this completes ten – provided you do not live at the Sacred Masjid. You shall observe GOD, and know that GOD is strict in enforcing retribution”
– Qur’an Surah 2 Verse 196
Evaluate the importance of the Hajj in reflecting and expressing the beliefs of Islam and its impact upon the adherents. In your response, refer specifically to the stimulus provided above.
As the fifth pillar of Islamic faith, the completion of the Hajj – a pilgrimage to Mecca – is pivotal to both the adherents and the religion as a whole because it affirms principal Islamic beliefs and unites different Muslim communities through a series of rituals which ultimately lead to a holistic submission to Allah. Wonderful!!!!The Hajj is highly significant because it promotes a state of Ihraam (sanctity) and allows adherents to retrace the path of Prophet Muhammad, Ibrahim and Ishmael. As an outcome, Muslims are granted access to observe God, and understand that God is strict in enforcing retribution.
The Hajj is a 12-day strenuous pilgrimage to Mecca that every healthy and capable Muslim must undertake at least once in their lives. It requires the individuals to expel Satan, give zakaat, pray for forgiveness and express their beliefs in Tawhid in order to become spiritually fulfilled. As an outcome of completing the Hajj without committing obscenity, Prophet Muhammad claims that “they will come out as the day they were born – pure and free from sins”. Make sure you give the reference details for this quote - a marker might want to verify!The Hajj initiates with the performance of Umrah, during which the adherents place themselves in a sacred state of Ihraam. Adherents then circumambulate around the Ka’bah (Tawaf) and perform the sa’y, which involves walking 7 times between Mount Safa and Marwa as Hajar and Ishmael did.. The Dhul Hijjah commences on the 8th day, where Muslims participate in rituals such as Arafat (praying), Jamarat (stoning of devil) as Abraham did, and Eid al-Adha (sacrifice of lamb) Zakat, to strengthen their faith in Allah. These rituals are integral to the Hajj and it is through these practices that the adherents can be empowered by central Islamic beliefs.
As an essential symbol of the Hajj, Ihraam is a state of sanctity which unites all members of the Islamic community and expresses the adherent’s religious preparedness to undertake the pilgrimage. It is a primary component of Umrah which requires Muslim adherents to wear white garments, abstain from perfumes and refrain from profanity, sex or fighting because all adherents are equal in the eyes of Allah, regardless of wealth or race. If a pilgrim breaks the state of Ihraam between Umrah and Hajj, he/she shall expiate by offering an animal sacrifice. If they cannot afford it, then they shall fast three days during Hajj and seven upon return to home (Qur’an Surah 2:196). It doesn't hurt you to have this in there, but it also is unnecessary and doesn't add much. In an essay as long as this, you want everything to be punchy and strong. Ihraam conveys the principal belief of Tawhid – all must surrender to the omnipotence of Allah Great! Seriously, great!– through depicting that all adherents are spiritually equal before the one unique God Be consistent - I suggest you use Allah the entire way as you begun.. As a result of complying with physical restrictions of Ihraam, the differences in social status and religious interpretations are eliminated(Wonderful point! Well expressed!). This effectively unites the umma based upon their common belief in Allah. For individuals, Ihraam is significant because it enables each adherent to develop an acute sense of equality amongst humanity. In addition, Ihraam prepares the adherents for the purification of soul and refinement of faith, as the white garment is symbolic of one’s liberation from obscenity. For contemporary believers who continue to practise the Hajj, their relationships with God and with each other are repaired and strengthened through sincere communications carried out on equal platforms. This allows adherents to become familiarised with God and be blessed in their daily lives. Reiterate that full submission to Allah is the ultimate goal.
The ritual of Arafat marks the official commencement to the Hajj and it undertakes a significant role for enhancing the bond between the adherents and God through prayer. It involves the collective supplication, repentance and worship towards the Merciful God on Mount Arafat. As a result, it confirms the Islamic belief in the Judgment Day because it prepares Muslim adherents for the arrival of Allah where all humanity will be stripped off their earthly possessions and be judged through Islamic jurisprudence. Through sacrificing time and carnal desires to become genuinely engaged in prayer, individuals can gain an incessant remembrance and firm love of God. Furthermore, Arafat provides an opportunity for Muslims to experience spiritual rebirth through an increase in piety, virtuousness and patience. For the entire umma, Arafat promotes a universal God-consciousness and a sense of brotherhood and sisterhood amongst all adherents in an environment of prayer. This is reinforced in Qur’an 2:199 “When you file from Arafat, you shall commemorate God … you shall file together … ask God for forgiveness. God is Forgiver, Most Merciful.” For modern believers, Arafat fosters their mental strength, patience, and reminds them of the importance of the daily salat that they must carry out 5 times a day to enhance their bonds with God.
Jamarat, or the stoning of devils, is important for Muslims because this symbolic action expresses their denial towards evil and affirms the Islamic foundational belief in prophets. Historically, Jamarat commemorates Ibrahim’s allegiance towards God as an outcome of his resistance towards the devil’s temptation. It involves the throwing of pebbles towards three pillars (or walls) which represent the three instances upon which the devil entices Abraham to disobey God’s will. Jamarat primarily conveys the belief in Tawhid through challenging the devil, which is symbolic of the adherent’s total submission to the commands and protection of the unique and omniscient Allah. This ritual also recognises the Islamic intrinsic belief in prophets, because it celebrates Ibrahim’s resilience against the devil’s temptation and Ishmael’s willingness to be sacrificed. Jamarat significantly transforms individuals through jihad, where adherents sacrifice their time, strength and money to struggle against external evils. Quran 9:36 similarly proclaims that “You may declare all-out war against the idol worshipers … know that God is on the side of the righteous”, encouraging Muslims to battle with evil. It further unites the umma by bringing together millions of Muslims of all races to form a fellowship for the expulsion of evil. Contemporary adherents who practise the Jamarat during the Hajj can become more resolute in their everyday lives to pursue a holy life, refrain from unethical conducts such as violence and promiscuity, and deny the addictive temptation from drugs and alcohols.
By examining the importance of Ihraam, Arafat and Jamarat to expressing the central beliefs of Islam, the exceptional significance of the Hajj for both the individuals and the umma is manifested. This ritual guides contemporary adherents to avoid breaking the Ihraam, or they will have to expiate by fasting three days during Hajj and seven upon return to home. Evidently, the practise of the Hajj continues to illuminate the everyday lives of believers and culminate in the enhanced spirituality of Muslims through strengthening the bond with Allah.
Hey, great work! Some suggestions:
-Wherever possible, use the Arabic word. You do this most of the time, but just make sure your consistent with little things like Allah/God.
-Reference the stimulus by even focusing on the tiniest little sections of the quote. Take just half a sentence and thread it into the end of a sentence and put the reference to the quote at the end. I can see you've made a conscious effort, but the explicit references to the quote are what gives you the marks. Ideally, you'd reference the stimulus specifically in each and every paragraph.
-Using the Sacred text more - rack up a list of great, easy to use, quotes from the Hadiths and Qur'an - and even scholars! Bank these up in your study notes. Make sure they are the kind of quotes that apply across various questions you could be asked about Hajj. In each paragraph, you want to have a Sacred text reference - if this is the stimulus, so be it. But you can't rely on there being a stimulus to use (although there seems to be a trend of BOSTES doing that now!).
Let me know if this makes sense? Your knowledge of the Hajj isn't doubted for a second. You have a very clear vision of how Hajj works and why, it appears. You should be stoked! It's just a matter of going the extra mile now to secure the top band. Part of that is the stimulus, part of that is referencing.
Hope this helps! :)
--- End quote ---
Hey Elyse!
Sorry for the late reply! I just came out of the SOR exam and to be brief, I'm feeling quite pleased about what I have achieved during the exam. I managed to fit majority of my essay into the timeframe, wrote about 9 pages. I had to change a few things around either because I had a mental blank or because it didnt really suit the question. But I editted my work yesterday accordingly to your advices and I added one more scripture reference and two more references to the stimulus. It wasn't as good as I could have done if I just copied my entire essay out but I am feeling pretty pleased about being able to finish my essay off in the set time with a good structure and good content. Thank you very much Elyse for taking out time to give me such valuable feedbacks!!! Your feedback to an extent has fostered my performance today!!!!
brontem:
Hey!! Here's my SOR essay :) I'm just wondering if it makes sense :) (there's no conclusion yet either)
I'd love for you to take a look, any help is appreciated :D Thanks !! ;D
jamonwindeyer:
--- Quote from: brontem on June 07, 2016, 12:08:15 pm ---Hey!! Here's my SOR essay :) I'm just wondering if it makes sense :) (there's no conclusion yet either)
I'd love for you to take a look, any help is appreciated :D Thanks !! ;D
--- End quote ---
Hey brontem!! Thanks for posting, the essay is attached with feedback as usual (there is no question at the moment, so be sure to take my feedback and frame it for the question at hand)! ;)
SpoilerBuddhist ethics are based on the principles of causing no harm to living beings and striving for the welfare of all beings.
In a largely industrialised and materialistic world, western civilisation has dominated over the environment, exploiting it by any means in order to continue a prevailing consumerist culture. This greed-driven perception of the environment is in stark contrast to the understanding and treatment of the environment from the perspectives in Buddhism. Very cool introduction there, I like it! Buddhist environmental ethics completely reject the harming living beings and the environment for material gain - withholding from attachment to material goods and placing more focus on striving on preserving the welfare of all sentient beings. Slightly messy wording there, the point gets lost just a tad along the way. Buddhist ethical teachings and core beliefs highlight cooperation as being the key element to maintaining a flourishing environment. The practice of Buddhist environmental ethics are in response to environmental degradation such as deforestation, animal exploitation and the slaughter of animals for food. Nice introduction on the whole, good work!
Adherents of Buddhism successfully avoid causing harm to any living beings and achieve respect for the environment through strict, yet reverent obedience to the principle beliefs. The 5 precepts of Buddhism, a part of the dharma, are an ethical guide which promotes the welfare of all living beings. The first precept; "to abstain from harming sentient life forms" is an explicit reminder for Buddhist adherents to maintain a respectful and ethical relationship with the environment. The 8 fold paths’ guides for sila, (living an ethical life) incorporates the principle of ‘right action’ and ‘right livelihood’. Abstaining from harming all sentient beings, also known as ahimsa, allows the adherent to work towards enlightenment, whereby they are released from samsara. Good use of terminology. Acts of good, or kusala, are favourable in the cycle of samsara as it increases the possibility of being reborn as a human; the only sentient form to achieve enlightenment. I feel we have slipped off topic a tad, I'm not getting too much on the environmental ethics side (which you've set as the focus of the response). By adhering to the ethical principles of Buddhism, adherents are enriching their own faith and working towards achieving enlightenment, whilst also preserving the welfare of all living beings. Good paragraph! Did you have any sacred texts in here in some form? (sorry if it slipped in without me realising, I know very little about Buddhism so take my advice with a grain of salt ;) )
As ahimsa is an ethical goal for Buddhists, the slaughter, exploitation and consumption of animals are all considered unethical, as they all cause harm to living beings. Each year over 3 billion animals are slaughtered, many of these slaughters are done inhumanely. Slightly unnecessary data here, unless you link it to the relevance of the ethical teachings. Animal exploitation and slaughter is an ethical issue for Buddhists, as it is against the non-violent belief of ahimsa. This is hinted at in the intro, you can be a little more succinct! The Buddhist response to the ethical issues of slaughter is abstaining from the consumption of meat, as it is beneficial to the welfare of all living beings. This is shown by Buddha’s own words; “anyone who eats flesh is cutting himself off from the great seed of his own merciful and compassionate nature”. Good. The reign of King Asoka in the 3rd century BCE heightened the importance of Ahimsa in an ethical Buddhist life - abolishing hunting and sacrifice, and implementing vegetarianism to the public (oxford) in order to prevent harm to any sentient beings. Asoka’s edict of 243BC stressed the importance of ahimsa as it focused on related attributes such as compassion, generosity, truth and purity; all qualities which align with the 1st precept. The exploitation of animals for consumption as food is seen as desire for material items; this is against anatma (the universal transience of life) and anicca (impermanence). The slaughter of animals is condemned by Buddhists as it violates the “right action” and “right livelihood” elements of sila. Excellent links between the principles and the teachings in this paragraph, well done. Buddhists believe that the grasp of desires is the cause of this suffering as a result of being unsatisfied is dukkha, one of the 3 marks of existence. Buddhism's teachings against the exploitation of animals for material gain and satisfaction inherently strive for the protection of living beings and strive to protect their welfare. Great paragraph here, excellent links between the teaching itself (no slaughtering of animals) and the principle (Sila).
Buddhism’s environmental ethics are not only based on protecting the welfare of all sentient beings, but strive to protect their surroundings also. Deforestation involves the clearing of natural forests and woodlands for the purpose of agriculture, logging and developments, and is a devastating ethical issue for the environment. The environment is an integral part for the practice of Buddhism, members of the sangha often resort to the natural environment to find harmony and seclusion from everyday distractions and to practice Samadhi (meditation). Try to be a little more explicit with your links to the topic here. "Deforestation, as a practice damaging to the environment, proves a prominent ethical issue for Buddhists." "Further, the loss of environment proves disruptive to Buddhist practices, as... etc" Being a little more explicit will do wonders for your response here.Trees are an important spiritual symbol for Buddhists, as the Buddha himself was enlightened under the Bodhi tree. Thus, Buddhists consider the environment as living; and strive to protect and maintain the welfare of the natural environment. The violation of the surrounding environment through deforestation violates the 2nd precept of “to not take what is not given”, as humans are exploiting the environment and taking more than what is able to be provided. Deforestation also detrimentally harms the living animals and destroys habitats, which is also a violation of ahimsa and the 1st precept. The Dhammapada (verse 129) instructs against the unethical exploitation of the environment, “Putting oneself in the place of the other, Let no one kill nor cause another to kill.” The stripping of forestation is usually due to the resources which it provides, which are used to mass produce goods to fulfil human desire – this attachment to material items is condemned by the 3rd precept “to refrain from sensual desires” and is an element of the unfavourable traits of raga and tahna (craving and sensuality). Bhikku Bodhi condemns this greed-driven exploitation of the environment; “happiness and wellbeing lie in the satisfaction of our wants and sensual desires”. Buddhism, however, abstains from violating the environment and in turn the living beings within it. This detrimental exploitation is avoided by abstinence from indulgences and advocating for the protection of the welfare of all beings; as dictated by Buddhism’s’ ethical teachings. Another solid paragraph with effective explanations, good work!
This is a great response Brontem! It definitely makes sense and flows quite well. Structurally, it is a tad strange to have one paragraph on beliefs, then two on environmental ethical issues, but this isn't necessarily disruptive to the flow. Still, perhaps consider a third issue instead (if it exists). You explained the relationship between teaching and principle really well throughout, and used your terminology effectively. Your evidence looks REALLY good, like damn you know your stuff, but not doing Buddhism means I can't say for sure if you've made any major omissions. I don't think so though, your knowledge is really impressive ;D
Your response would benefit from being a little more explicit in places to keep the focus on the issue at hand (and perhaps to the specific question you are answering) Besides that, it works really really well!! Definitely get it looked at by your teacher for clarity, absolutely better to get feedback from someone who has done Buddhism (especially since it is so different to the monotheistic traditions that most students study), I'd hate to steer you in the wrong direction :)
Great work Brontem!! :D
brontem:
Hey thanks so much!! The question was literally just that phrase reworded with ? at the end, sorry I didn't clarify that :D I had the exam today, I pretty much memorised what I wrote (after fixing it up of course - I totally know what you were saying about the badly worded sentences :-\ ), and in the exam I was conscious of linking to the question :) Thank you so much for your help!! ;D
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