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paigek3:
--- Quote from: rodero on September 28, 2017, 10:58:21 am ---‘The criminal justice system must treat young offenders differently in order to achieve
justice.’
To what extent is this statement true?
Original
SpoilerThe criminal justice system has various mechanisms to ensure that young offenders’ rights are at the forefront in order for justice to properly be achieved. For young offenders to achieve justice, the criminal justice system must take into account the negative circumstances children could be brought up in, which can result in children engaging in criminal behaviour. In order for this to be effectively executed, the criminal justice system must treat young offenders differently to a large extent. The way in which the criminal justice system has handled the treatment of young offenders is expressed through the notion of doli incapax, the Children’s Court and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes.
The notion of doli incapax reveals how the criminal justice system recognises the need for young offenders to be treated differently in order for justice to be achieved. In most cases, the community and the law recognise that young offenders have not reached full adulthood, therefore limiting their capacity to recognise right from wrong and highlights the need for young offenders to be treated differently in order for justice to achieved. Despite the application of doli incapax being criticised, especially in high-profile cases relating to heinous crimes committed by children, the importance of doli incapax for young offenders to achieve justice, is highlighted in Thomas Crofts paper ‘Doli incapax: Why children deserve its protection’ in which he states that it is consistent with the principles of international law (Convention on the Rights of the Child) in which Australia is a signatory. Furthermore, the case of Corey Davis allowed an 11 year old offender to be acquitted, thus proving that the notion of doli incapax applies. Therefore, it is clear that the criminal justice system uses doli incapax to treat young offenders differently, to ensure that justice is achieved.
The Children’s Court also reveals how the criminal justice system recognises the need for young offenders to be treated differently for justice to be achieved. Established in 1987 under the Children’s Court Act 1987 (NSW), the court has dual roles that deal with criminal matters of children under 18 years and the matters of care and protection of children. The Children’s Court follows procedures laid out under the Children’s (Criminal Proceedings) Act 1987 (NSW), which acts as a guideline for courts to show regard for children, in order for justice to be achieved. The Children’s Court allows the criminal justice system to achieve justice by allowing children’s proceedings to be conducted in a closed court in order to protect the identity of the child, to ensure differing penalties and sentencing procedures differ from those of ordinary courts. This is evident in the case of a Geelong teenager “guilty of sexually assaulting eight women” being placed on a two-year probation in which the judge ordered the boy to undergo a positive sexuality course as part of his probation. Ultimately, the criminal justice system uses the Children’s Court in order for young offenders to achieve justice.
Lastly, the three-tiered system of diversionary processes also enables the criminal justice system to treat young offenders differently in order for justice to be achieved. Under the Young Offenders Act 1997 (NSW), children who have committed an offence proceed through a three-tiered system of diversionary processes known as warnings, cautions and youth justice conferences. These programs allow children to have alternative punishments to traditional criminal processes and court penalties, thus allowing the criminal justice system to treat young offenders differently. The use of warnings allow children to have no conditions attached to their offence which is detailed under s15 of the YOA. Police can also issue a more formal warning in the form of a caution, which can only be given if the child admits to the offence or has a legal guardian present. Furthermore, the youth justice conference allows the offender to take responsibility for their actions and to promote better family understanding of the issues. However, a report entitled “Reoffending among young people cautioned by police or who participated in a youth justice conference” reveals that the introduction of police cautions and youth justice conferences have led to a significant increase in recidivism rates. For example, in 2004-05, approximately 1,200 young offenders completed a YJC or received a caution, which resulted in 58% reoffending within the next five years. Nevertheless, the criminal justice system uses the three-tiered system of diversionary processes in order for young offenders to achieve justice.
Therefore, it is clear that the criminal justice system needs to treat young offenders differently in order for justice to be achieved. This has resulted in the notion of doli incapax, which considers the capacity for young offenders to recognise right from wrong, the Children’s Court which allows special provisions for young offenders and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes which allows children to have alternative sentences.
With feedback
SpoilerThe criminal justice system has various mechanisms to ensure that young offenders’ rights are at the forefront in order for justice to properly be achieved "to achieve justice".Simple thesis, however I feel as though you aren't hitting the question correctly. Firstly, you're thesis must include your judgement to the extent you believe the statement is true. i.e. is the statement accurate to a high, partial or limited extent. Secondly, you need to explicitly refer to the statement provided. I know that throughout your essay you've been mentioning aspects of the quote, but try to have actual quotation marks so that you can indicate to the marker that you're directly answering the question. For young offenders to achieve recieve the young offender is not 'achieving justice', they're 'receiving' itjustice, the criminal justice system must take into account the negative circumstances children could be brought up in, which can result in children engaging in criminal behaviour.This sentence is a bit limiting and does not encompass the entirety of why young offenders should be treated differently. Although what you say is definitely true, I personally feel that mentioning "the vulnerability of children and their inability to produce a mens rea" is something that captures the topic much more holistically. Furthermore, this would stop you from clumping everything that you want to talk about at the end, which i'll get into later. In order for this to be effectively executed, the criminal justice system must treat young offenders differently to a large extent.THIS is the type of sentence that markers are looking for. However, mentioning it at this point of the introduction is a bit awkward. I'd recommend cutting this sentence and merging it with your thesis. The way in which the criminal justice system has handled the treatment of young offenders is expressed through the notion of doli incapax, the Children’s Court and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes alternatives to court Okay I don't know how others feel about this, but I reckon you shouldn't dump your main ideas in the one sentence, particularly as your closing sentence. Like I said before, mention the notion of doli incapax in the statement above. Also, save the terminology of the 'three-tiered system of diversionary processes', and use it for your paragraphs. For now, you need to refer to the words of the syllabus, so call it 'alternatives to court'. This also applies for doli incapax, it's a bit petty but the actual heading is 'age of criminal responsibility', so try to include that somewhere as well. This introduction needs an extra sentence which will capture your final judgement. Thus, it is highly accurate that the criminal justice system must "treat young offenders differently"
The notion of doli incapax reveals how the criminal justice system recognises the need for young offenders to be treated differently in order for justice to be achieved. In most cases, unnecessary The community and the law recognise that young offenders have not reached full adulthood, therefore limiting their capacity to recognise right from wrong and highlights the need for young offenders to be treated differently in order for justice to achieved. Try to include legal terminology such as 'mens rea'. It might not seem important to you, but it's one of the criteria which you are being assessed on. Also, try to bring in legislation; doli incapax is regulated under the Children (Criminal Proceedings) Act 1987 Despite the application of doli incapax being criticised, especially in high-profile cases relating to heinous crimes committed by children, the importance of doli incapax for young offenders to achieve justice, is highlighted in Thomas Crofts paper ‘Doli incapax: Why children deserve its protection’ in which he states that it is consistent with the principles of international law (Convention on the Rights of the Child) in which Australia is a signatory.Nice inclusion. However, your analysis is really lacking. Whenever you cite a media article, or a case, you need to say how this relates to the question. i.e. this demonstrates that the statement is highly accurate, as... Furthermore, the case of Corey Davis allowed an 11 year old offender to be acquitted, thus proving that the notion of doli incapax applies. This case could be fleshed out so much more if you put it before the 'despite doli incapax being criticised sentence'. Reason being is that it flows much better after your explanation of what doli incapax is. Also, the case received public outcry, hence leading you on to the next sentence. Just a quick note, proper citation of the case would be R v LMW, you can bring in the victim Corey Davis later in the sentence. Again, you haven't analysed your evidence enough - you need to show how it relates to the question. You can't just top and tail your judgement at the beginning and end of your paragraph, with no mention of it in between. Therefore, it is clear that the criminal justice system uses doli incapax to "treat young offenders differently", to ensure that justice is achieved. For further discussion, you could bring in Bronson Blessington, the 14 year old who was sentenced to life imprisonment. This would give you a springboard to discuss the different levels of criminal responsibility. i.e. Children over 14 are not covered by doli incapax, thus breaching article 37 of the CROC, which states that no child should be sentenced to life imprisonment.
The Children’s Court also reveals how the criminal justice system recognises the need for young offenders to be treated differently for justice to be achieved. Established in 1987 Avoid repetition as it disrupts flow under the Children’s Court Act 1987 (NSW), the court has dual roles that deal with criminal matters of children under 18 years and the matters of care and protection of children. The Children’s Court follows procedures laid out under the Children’s (Criminal Proceedings) Act 1987 (NSW), which acts as a guideline for courts to show regard for children, in order for justice to be achieved. The Children’s Court allows the criminal justice system to achieve justice by allowing children’s proceedings to be conducted in a closed court in order to protect the identity of the child, to ensure differing penalties and sentencing procedures differ from those of ordinary courts. This is evident in the case of a Geelong teenager “guilty of sexually assaulting eight women” being placed on a two-year probation in which the judge I don't know much about this case. However, if it was a JUDGE who determined the sentence, then it would not have occurred in the Children's Court. Keep in mind that it is a magistrate who presides here. ordered the boy to undergo a positive sexuality course as part of his probation. Again, you really need to analyse your cases more. Move this towards the middle of your paragraph so that you can have more of a discussion on it, particularly how it demonstrates your judgement in relation to the question. Ultimately, the criminal justice system uses the Children’s Court in order for young offenders to achieve receive justice. Feedback in this paragraph relates to the previous one - you need to be sustaining an argument throughout, rather than just top and tailing your judgement at the beginning and end.
Lastly, the three-tiered system of diversionary processes alternatives to court also enables the criminal justice system to treat young offenders differently in order for justice to be achieved. This thesis is far too repetitive - try to word it differently Under the Young Offenders Act 1997 (NSW), children who have committed an offence proceed through a three-tiered system of diversionary processes known as warnings, cautions and youth justice conferences. These programs allow children to have alternative punishments to traditional criminal processes and court penalties, thus allowing the criminal justice system to treat young offenders differently. The use of warnings allow children to have no conditions attached to their offence which is detailed under s15 of the YOA. Police can also issue a more formal warning in the form of a caution, which can only be given if the child admits to the offence or has a legal guardian present. Way, way way too much content dumping. You only need to mention content in your elaboration (where you cited the YOA the first time). After that, the focus should be on introducing media articles,
cases, statistics which prove your judgement.Furthermore, the youth justice conference allows the offender to take responsibility for their actions and to promote better family understanding of the issues. However, a report entitled “Reoffending among young people cautioned by police or who participated in a youth justice conference” reveals that the introduction of police cautions and youth justice conferences have led to a significant increase in recidivism rates. For example, in 2004-05, approximately 1,200 young offenders completed a YJC or received a caution, which resulted in 58% reoffending within the next five years.Analyse this statistic. What does this show? What's the purpose of including this statistic? Nevertheless, the criminal justice system uses the three-tiered system of diversionary processes in order for young offenders to achieve justice. This lacks a judgement. Is the statement you were provided highly accurate, partially accurate, or inaccurate?You could flesh out this argument with a more sophisticated discussion on warnings. i.e. Police discretion allows young offenders to avoid the court system. Children who undergo the court process are more likely to develop criminal tendencies etc etc..
Therefore, it is clear that the criminal justice system needs to treat young offenders differently in order for justice to be achieved. This has resulted in the notion of doli incapax, which considers the capacity for young offenders to recognise right from wrong, the Children’s Court which allows special provisions for young offenders and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes which allows children to have alternative sentences Lacks a final, conclusive judgement regarding the accuracy of the statement.
First off, a quick foreword that I tend to mark somewhat harsher than that of normal markers. Please don't take anything to heart, I'm a HSC student just like you and could easily have made some errors.
There you go, feedback is in red, suggestions are in blue. :)
Overall feedback:
Your topic sentence for every paragraph is the exact same, with only slight changes depending on what specifically you're talking about. While this helps you in terms of simplicity, it becomes way too mundane for the marker. I'll also mention that your thesis is lacking a judgement. The question is literally 'To what extent is this statement true?', so your entire essay is supposed to be whether you think it's true or not. Based off memory I only remember a handful of times where a judgement was explicitly mentioned. Also, your analysis of media articles and cases are far too short. These are supposed to be the backbone of your argument, so it needs to be discussed so much more. You could easily achieve this by cutting down on your content and focusing more on the analysis of cases. Furthermore, you tend to bring in the case in your second last sentence. If you were to introduce it in the middle or near the beginning, you could easily have a more sophisticated discussion of it.
Strong points would include your structure, which I believe is the ideal way to answer this question. The evidence you provide are great (but like I said, you lack an actual analysis of them). Also, you clearly understand your crime content.
I would give this essay a 9/15. Reason being is that it ticks all the boxes in that range. In order to reach the 10-12 range, specific areas to work on are:
-Making a judgement
-Analysis of evidence
-Legal terminology
-Reference the statement! Use quotes to show you're actually including it in your response.
--- End quote ---
You're a good egg rodero, if I PM'd you one of my responses would you have a look over? Am happy to do the same in return!
rodero:
Sure thing, send it through and I can have a look
Korrasami:
--- Quote from: rodero on September 28, 2017, 10:58:21 am ---‘The criminal justice system must treat young offenders differently in order to achieve
justice.’
To what extent is this statement true?
Original
SpoilerThe criminal justice system has various mechanisms to ensure that young offenders’ rights are at the forefront in order for justice to properly be achieved. For young offenders to achieve justice, the criminal justice system must take into account the negative circumstances children could be brought up in, which can result in children engaging in criminal behaviour. In order for this to be effectively executed, the criminal justice system must treat young offenders differently to a large extent. The way in which the criminal justice system has handled the treatment of young offenders is expressed through the notion of doli incapax, the Children’s Court and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes.
The notion of doli incapax reveals how the criminal justice system recognises the need for young offenders to be treated differently in order for justice to be achieved. In most cases, the community and the law recognise that young offenders have not reached full adulthood, therefore limiting their capacity to recognise right from wrong and highlights the need for young offenders to be treated differently in order for justice to achieved. Despite the application of doli incapax being criticised, especially in high-profile cases relating to heinous crimes committed by children, the importance of doli incapax for young offenders to achieve justice, is highlighted in Thomas Crofts paper ‘Doli incapax: Why children deserve its protection’ in which he states that it is consistent with the principles of international law (Convention on the Rights of the Child) in which Australia is a signatory. Furthermore, the case of Corey Davis allowed an 11 year old offender to be acquitted, thus proving that the notion of doli incapax applies. Therefore, it is clear that the criminal justice system uses doli incapax to treat young offenders differently, to ensure that justice is achieved.
The Children’s Court also reveals how the criminal justice system recognises the need for young offenders to be treated differently for justice to be achieved. Established in 1987 under the Children’s Court Act 1987 (NSW), the court has dual roles that deal with criminal matters of children under 18 years and the matters of care and protection of children. The Children’s Court follows procedures laid out under the Children’s (Criminal Proceedings) Act 1987 (NSW), which acts as a guideline for courts to show regard for children, in order for justice to be achieved. The Children’s Court allows the criminal justice system to achieve justice by allowing children’s proceedings to be conducted in a closed court in order to protect the identity of the child, to ensure differing penalties and sentencing procedures differ from those of ordinary courts. This is evident in the case of a Geelong teenager “guilty of sexually assaulting eight women” being placed on a two-year probation in which the judge ordered the boy to undergo a positive sexuality course as part of his probation. Ultimately, the criminal justice system uses the Children’s Court in order for young offenders to achieve justice.
Lastly, the three-tiered system of diversionary processes also enables the criminal justice system to treat young offenders differently in order for justice to be achieved. Under the Young Offenders Act 1997 (NSW), children who have committed an offence proceed through a three-tiered system of diversionary processes known as warnings, cautions and youth justice conferences. These programs allow children to have alternative punishments to traditional criminal processes and court penalties, thus allowing the criminal justice system to treat young offenders differently. The use of warnings allow children to have no conditions attached to their offence which is detailed under s15 of the YOA. Police can also issue a more formal warning in the form of a caution, which can only be given if the child admits to the offence or has a legal guardian present. Furthermore, the youth justice conference allows the offender to take responsibility for their actions and to promote better family understanding of the issues. However, a report entitled “Reoffending among young people cautioned by police or who participated in a youth justice conference” reveals that the introduction of police cautions and youth justice conferences have led to a significant increase in recidivism rates. For example, in 2004-05, approximately 1,200 young offenders completed a YJC or received a caution, which resulted in 58% reoffending within the next five years. Nevertheless, the criminal justice system uses the three-tiered system of diversionary processes in order for young offenders to achieve justice.
Therefore, it is clear that the criminal justice system needs to treat young offenders differently in order for justice to be achieved. This has resulted in the notion of doli incapax, which considers the capacity for young offenders to recognise right from wrong, the Children’s Court which allows special provisions for young offenders and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes which allows children to have alternative sentences.
With feedback
SpoilerThe criminal justice system has various mechanisms to ensure that young offenders’ rights are at the forefront in order for justice to properly be achieved "to achieve justice".Simple thesis, however I feel as though you aren't hitting the question correctly. Firstly, you're thesis must include your judgement to the extent you believe the statement is true. i.e. is the statement accurate to a high, partial or limited extent. Secondly, you need to explicitly refer to the statement provided. I know that throughout your essay you've been mentioning aspects of the quote, but try to have actual quotation marks so that you can indicate to the marker that you're directly answering the question. For young offenders to achieve recieve the young offender is not 'achieving justice', they're 'receiving' itjustice, the criminal justice system must take into account the negative circumstances children could be brought up in, which can result in children engaging in criminal behaviour.This sentence is a bit limiting and does not encompass the entirety of why young offenders should be treated differently. Although what you say is definitely true, I personally feel that mentioning "the vulnerability of children and their inability to produce a mens rea" is something that captures the topic much more holistically. Furthermore, this would stop you from clumping everything that you want to talk about at the end, which i'll get into later. In order for this to be effectively executed, the criminal justice system must treat young offenders differently to a large extent.THIS is the type of sentence that markers are looking for. However, mentioning it at this point of the introduction is a bit awkward. I'd recommend cutting this sentence and merging it with your thesis. The way in which the criminal justice system has handled the treatment of young offenders is expressed through the notion of doli incapax, the Children’s Court and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes alternatives to court Okay I don't know how others feel about this, but I reckon you shouldn't dump your main ideas in the one sentence, particularly as your closing sentence. Like I said before, mention the notion of doli incapax in the statement above. Also, save the terminology of the 'three-tiered system of diversionary processes', and use it for your paragraphs. For now, you need to refer to the words of the syllabus, so call it 'alternatives to court'. This also applies for doli incapax, it's a bit petty but the actual heading is 'age of criminal responsibility', so try to include that somewhere as well. This introduction needs an extra sentence which will capture your final judgement. Thus, it is highly accurate that the criminal justice system must "treat young offenders differently"
The notion of doli incapax reveals how the criminal justice system recognises the need for young offenders to be treated differently in order for justice to be achieved. In most cases, unnecessary The community and the law recognise that young offenders have not reached full adulthood, therefore limiting their capacity to recognise right from wrong and highlights the need for young offenders to be treated differently in order for justice to achieved. Try to include legal terminology such as 'mens rea'. It might not seem important to you, but it's one of the criteria which you are being assessed on. Also, try to bring in legislation; doli incapax is regulated under the Children (Criminal Proceedings) Act 1987 Despite the application of doli incapax being criticised, especially in high-profile cases relating to heinous crimes committed by children, the importance of doli incapax for young offenders to achieve justice, is highlighted in Thomas Crofts paper ‘Doli incapax: Why children deserve its protection’ in which he states that it is consistent with the principles of international law (Convention on the Rights of the Child) in which Australia is a signatory.Nice inclusion. However, your analysis is really lacking. Whenever you cite a media article, or a case, you need to say how this relates to the question. i.e. this demonstrates that the statement is highly accurate, as... Furthermore, the case of Corey Davis allowed an 11 year old offender to be acquitted, thus proving that the notion of doli incapax applies. This case could be fleshed out so much more if you put it before the 'despite doli incapax being criticised sentence'. Reason being is that it flows much better after your explanation of what doli incapax is. Also, the case received public outcry, hence leading you on to the next sentence. Just a quick note, proper citation of the case would be R v LMW, you can bring in the victim Corey Davis later in the sentence. Again, you haven't analysed your evidence enough - you need to show how it relates to the question. You can't just top and tail your judgement at the beginning and end of your paragraph, with no mention of it in between. Therefore, it is clear that the criminal justice system uses doli incapax to "treat young offenders differently", to ensure that justice is achieved. For further discussion, you could bring in Bronson Blessington, the 14 year old who was sentenced to life imprisonment. This would give you a springboard to discuss the different levels of criminal responsibility. i.e. Children over 14 are not covered by doli incapax, thus breaching article 37 of the CROC, which states that no child should be sentenced to life imprisonment.
The Children’s Court also reveals how the criminal justice system recognises the need for young offenders to be treated differently for justice to be achieved. Established in 1987 Avoid repetition as it disrupts flow under the Children’s Court Act 1987 (NSW), the court has dual roles that deal with criminal matters of children under 18 years and the matters of care and protection of children. The Children’s Court follows procedures laid out under the Children’s (Criminal Proceedings) Act 1987 (NSW), which acts as a guideline for courts to show regard for children, in order for justice to be achieved. The Children’s Court allows the criminal justice system to achieve justice by allowing children’s proceedings to be conducted in a closed court in order to protect the identity of the child, to ensure differing penalties and sentencing procedures differ from those of ordinary courts. This is evident in the case of a Geelong teenager “guilty of sexually assaulting eight women” being placed on a two-year probation in which the judge I don't know much about this case. However, if it was a JUDGE who determined the sentence, then it would not have occurred in the Children's Court. Keep in mind that it is a magistrate who presides here. ordered the boy to undergo a positive sexuality course as part of his probation. Again, you really need to analyse your cases more. Move this towards the middle of your paragraph so that you can have more of a discussion on it, particularly how it demonstrates your judgement in relation to the question. Ultimately, the criminal justice system uses the Children’s Court in order for young offenders to achieve receive justice. Feedback in this paragraph relates to the previous one - you need to be sustaining an argument throughout, rather than just top and tailing your judgement at the beginning and end.
Lastly, the three-tiered system of diversionary processes alternatives to court also enables the criminal justice system to treat young offenders differently in order for justice to be achieved. This thesis is far too repetitive - try to word it differently Under the Young Offenders Act 1997 (NSW), children who have committed an offence proceed through a three-tiered system of diversionary processes known as warnings, cautions and youth justice conferences. These programs allow children to have alternative punishments to traditional criminal processes and court penalties, thus allowing the criminal justice system to treat young offenders differently. The use of warnings allow children to have no conditions attached to their offence which is detailed under s15 of the YOA. Police can also issue a more formal warning in the form of a caution, which can only be given if the child admits to the offence or has a legal guardian present. Way, way way too much content dumping. You only need to mention content in your elaboration (where you cited the YOA the first time). After that, the focus should be on introducing media articles,
cases, statistics which prove your judgement.Furthermore, the youth justice conference allows the offender to take responsibility for their actions and to promote better family understanding of the issues. However, a report entitled “Reoffending among young people cautioned by police or who participated in a youth justice conference” reveals that the introduction of police cautions and youth justice conferences have led to a significant increase in recidivism rates. For example, in 2004-05, approximately 1,200 young offenders completed a YJC or received a caution, which resulted in 58% reoffending within the next five years.Analyse this statistic. What does this show? What's the purpose of including this statistic? Nevertheless, the criminal justice system uses the three-tiered system of diversionary processes in order for young offenders to achieve justice. This lacks a judgement. Is the statement you were provided highly accurate, partially accurate, or inaccurate?You could flesh out this argument with a more sophisticated discussion on warnings. i.e. Police discretion allows young offenders to avoid the court system. Children who undergo the court process are more likely to develop criminal tendencies etc etc..
Therefore, it is clear that the criminal justice system needs to treat young offenders differently in order for justice to be achieved. This has resulted in the notion of doli incapax, which considers the capacity for young offenders to recognise right from wrong, the Children’s Court which allows special provisions for young offenders and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes which allows children to have alternative sentences Lacks a final, conclusive judgement regarding the accuracy of the statement.
First off, a quick foreword that I tend to mark somewhat harsher than that of normal markers. Please don't take anything to heart, I'm a HSC student just like you and could easily have made some errors.
There you go, feedback is in red, suggestions are in blue. :)
Overall feedback:
Your topic sentence for every paragraph is the exact same, with only slight changes depending on what specifically you're talking about. While this helps you in terms of simplicity, it becomes way too mundane for the marker. I'll also mention that your thesis is lacking a judgement. The question is literally 'To what extent is this statement true?', so your entire essay is supposed to be whether you think it's true or not. Based off memory I only remember a handful of times where a judgement was explicitly mentioned. Also, your analysis of media articles and cases are far too short. These are supposed to be the backbone of your argument, so it needs to be discussed so much more. You could easily achieve this by cutting down on your content and focusing more on the analysis of cases. Furthermore, you tend to bring in the case in your second last sentence. If you were to introduce it in the middle or near the beginning, you could easily have a more sophisticated discussion of it.
Strong points would include your structure, which I believe is the ideal way to answer this question. The evidence you provide are great (but like I said, you lack an actual analysis of them). Also, you clearly understand your crime content.
I would give this essay a 9/15. Reason being is that it ticks all the boxes in that range. In order to reach the 10-12 range, specific areas to work on are:
-Making a judgement
-Analysis of evidence
-Legal terminology
-Reference the statement! Use quotes to show you're actually including it in your response.
--- End quote ---
Honestly, thank you so much! Seems that I have the foundation there, but just need further analysis and judgement! I honestly really appreciate you taking the time to mark it! Good luck in the HSC! :D
Korrasami:
--- Quote from: rodero on September 28, 2017, 11:27:43 am ---Sure thing, send it through and I can have a look
--- End quote ---
Also, can I redo it again, and send it through to you to see if I'm made any improvements?
rodero:
--- Quote from: Korrasami on September 28, 2017, 11:31:43 am ---Also, can I redo it again, and send it through to you to see if I'm made any improvements?
--- End quote ---
Of course !
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