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English Extension One Creative Writing Thread!

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Blissfulmelodii:
Hey Elyse!
Just wondering if i could get some feedback on my ext 1 creative piece whenever you can. My study this year was of Science fiction which personally I hate and can probably be reflected in my piece as I know it's not really the best. My teacher has told me that the plot is kind of cliche but I plan to use this piece for my HSC anyway (just because I could not bring myself to write another science fiction story) and was just wondering how well you thought it could do?

SpoilerSynopsis: In a totalitarian society set 100 years in the future where cold hard logic is the only accepted expression of personality, a brother and sister grow up with a passion for creativity which becomes a secret that they must keep between themselves or be executed and used as an example for the rest of society. When political strife arises the two set out to hack into the government's system and globally share musical performance videos which becomes a means of uniting a torn and dystopian society which has long since forgotten the importance of personal expression.

A fine line between right and wrong
“Father you cannot be teaching her this, if anyone was to find out we would all suffer! What you are doing is completely dangerous and I will not have my daughter involved!”

“If you remember correctly, you loved performing. You used to play for your mother and I after supper every evening.”

“Times have changed. We are no longer living in a free will society, this isn’t the 21st century anymore and it certainly isn’t the same government as when I was growing up. She is my daughter and what I say goes, you need to respect my wishes. No more music, understand?”

There was a brief silence to what I assumed meant an untold agreement, my heart dropped and I felt tears welling up in my eyes. A moment passed and then I heard shuffling coming from the other side of the door, i quickly ran upstairs and hurried down the hall towards my room, closing the door softly behind me, hoping I hadn’t been caught eavesdropping. 


“- he is so cool and I’m so jealous he has the latest holographic 360 watch! I’ve been asking my parent for months to get it for me-“
“Kayla are you okay?”

When my group of my friends noticed that I had stopped, they joined me and followed the direction of my eyes. The remarkable lines and intense detail in the image painted on the white brick wall of the school's entrance captivated everyone. None of us in our lifetimes had ever seen such colours and such beauty, in fact none of us had ever seen a piece of art before, not even in the history books. I remember my grandfather telling me about it, I believe they called it graffiti art and it was apparently very big in the 21st Century. As my eyes continued to wonder over the image, taking in as much detail as I could, the bell rang shattering our moment of wonder and in a daze we were swept by the tide of students into the school grounds, my friend Laura guiding me as I stumbled along continuing to stare.
xxx
“You sound really good.”

My head whipped up and my heart began to beat rapidly, my eyes widened and my brain began to swirl with a million thoughts as I attempted to come up with an explanation.

“I’m not going to tell anyone.”

The breath I hadn’t known I had been holding was released as I took in that small sentence. I didn’t speak – I didn’t know what to say – what could I say? I had just been caught in a crime, something so remarkably illegal that death was the penalty. How are you supposed to respond?
He lifted his finger and swept out of the room the bottom of his coat flying behind him, my eyebrows creased as I continued to sit in silence, utterly confused and slightly afraid. He returned a moment later holding his computer, software manufacturer and what looked like our grandfathers old sketching pad. He silently set the pad in front of me, I placed the acoustic guitar next to me and lifted the pad, opening the pages and flipping through. The further I went the further a sense of familiarity washed over me, I stopped on the last page and gasped. I looked up at my brother, eyes wide and mouth open.

“I have my own secrets to keep.”

“The image on the wall, that was you.” He nodded, a small, nervous smile on his face. “What you do is amazing, I’d give anything to be able share my music with the world”

“Maybe you can…”

He grabbed my arm and pulled me along beside him, I had no idea where he was taking me. He lead me down the hall and into the basement. He released the hold he had on my hand and began to move things around the room like a tornado sweeping through. I stood in the centre spinning in circles watching his every move, still completely confused. The darkness from the lack of windows and the cobwebs and layer of dust that covers every inch of the room made for an eerie atmosphere. He placed a chair in the centre and ran back upstairs leaving me to stare behind. He returned with my guitar and pushed me down on the chair, placing the guitar in my lap.

“Play something.”

“What?”

“You’ll see.”

I didn’t hesitate, it was like my body had a mind of its own, the music flowed naturally filling the empty silence of the room and in that moment nothing mattered. Getting caught didn’t cross my mind, in that single space of time, it was just me and my guitar. When the song faded out, the silence returned, I looked back over to my brother who was wildly smiling.

“Be prepared to silence the world.”
xxx
As I made my way to school the following week, it felt like any other ordinary day. I met up with Laura and the rest of the group and we stopped off at our usual coffee house before making a beeline to the school gates. The idle chatter between us seized as we noticed a commotion up ahead. The front of the school’s entrance was packed with people. We ran the rest of the way to school and stopped just short of the back of the group and that was when I allowed my other senses to work. Everything was quiet for a split second before I began to hear my voice but it wasn’t me. And it hit, that was what Johnny had meant by silencing the world. He had recorded me and used his computer engineering skills to send the video viral. A sense of elation spread through every cell of my being, he had made the impossible happen and my one desire come true. Ultimately he had today the best day of my life and I couldn’t ask for more.  Suddenly my phone began to ring, I parted from the crowd and quickly answered my parents call but I really wished I hadn’t.

“Kayla, you need to come home right now! It's your brother. He's been taken!”

elysepopplewell:

--- Quote from: Blissfulmelodii on October 17, 2016, 01:59:28 pm ---Hey Elyse!
Just wondering if i could get some feedback on my ext 1 creative piece whenever you can. My study this year was of Science fiction which personally I hate and can probably be reflected in my piece as I know it's not really the best. My teacher has told me that the plot is kind of cliche but I plan to use this piece for my HSC anyway (just because I could not bring myself to write another science fiction story) and was just wondering how well you thought it could do?


--- End quote ---

Hey! A lot of people feel this way about Science Fiction :( I didn't study it, thankfully, but I did dystopian texts for Ext 1 in Year 11 so I have some ideas about the topic :)

SpoilerSynopsis: In a totalitarian society set 100 years in the future where cold hard logic is the only accepted expression of personality, a brother and sister grow up with a passion for creativity which becomes a secret that they must keep between themselves or be executed and used as an example for the rest of society. When political strife arises the two set out to hack into the government's system and globally share musical performance videos which becomes a means of uniting a torn and dystopian society which has long since forgotten the importance of personal expression.

A fine line between right and wrong
“Father you cannot be teaching her this, if anyone was to find out we would all suffer! What you are doing is completely dangerous and I will not have my daughter involved!”

“If you remember correctly, you loved performing. You used to play for your mother and I after supper every evening.”

“Times have changed. We are no longer living in a free will society, I think this is too much telling and not enough showing :) this isn’t the 21st century anymore and it certainly isn’t the same government as when I was growing up. She is my daughter and what I say goes, you need to respect my wishes. No more music, understand?”

There was a brief silence to what I assumed meant an untold agreement, my heart dropped and I felt tears welling up in my eyes. A moment passed and then I heard shuffling coming from the other side of the door, i quickly ran upstairs and hurried down the hall towards my room, closing the door softly behind me, hoping I hadn’t been caught eavesdropping. 


“- he is so cool and I’m so jealous he has the latest holographic 360 watch! I’ve been asking my parent for months to get it for me-“ A holographic 360 watch seems like something in 20 years time for me, not 100 years. If you're trying to replicate the entering of a conversation, perhaps use an ellipsis rather than a hyphen at the start?
“Kayla are you okay?”

When my group of my friends noticed that I had stopped, they joined me and followed the direction of my eyes. The remarkable lines and intense detail in the image painted on the white brick wall of the school's entrance captivated everyone. None of us in our lifetimes had ever seen such colours and such beauty, in fact none of us had ever seen a piece of art before, not even in the history books. I remember my grandfather telling me about it, I believe they called it graffiti art and it was apparently very big in the 21st Century. Again, telling instead of showing :) You've showed in the start of the sentence, so it's suitable to drop this bit :)As my eyes continued to wonder over the image, taking in as much detail as I could, the bell rang shattering our moment of wonder Two uses of "wonder" in a sentence - consider adjusting.and in a daze we were swept by the tide of students into the school grounds, my friend Laura guiding me as I stumbled along continuing to stare.
xxx

“You sound really good.”

My head whipped up and my heart began to beat rapidly, my eyes widened and my brain began to swirl with a million thoughts as I attempted to come up with an explanation.

“I’m not going to tell anyone.”

The breath I hadn’t known I had been holding was released as I took in that small sentence. I didn’t speak – I didn’t know what to say – what could I say? I had just been caught in a crime, something so remarkably illegal that death was the penalty. How are you supposed to respond?
He lifted his finger and swept out of the room the bottom of his coat flying behind him, my eyebrows creased as I continued to sit in silence, utterly confused and slightly afraid. He returned a moment later holding his computer, software manufacturer and what looked like our grandfathers old sketching pad. He silently set the pad in front of me, I placed the acoustic guitar next to me and lifted the pad, opening the pages and flipping through. The further I went the further a sense of familiarity washed over me, I stopped on the last page and gasped. I looked up at my brother, eyes wide and mouth open.

“I have my own secrets to keep.”

“The image on the wall, that was you.” He nodded, a small, nervous smile on his face. “What you do is amazing, I’d give anything to be able share my music with the world”

“Maybe you can…”

He grabbed my arm and pulled me along beside him, I had no idea where he was taking me. He lead me down the hall and into the basement. He released the hold he had on my hand and began to move things around the room like a tornado sweeping through. I stood in the centre spinning in circles watching his every move, still completely confused. The darkness from the lack of windows and the cobwebs and layer of dust that covers every inch of the room made for an eerie atmosphere. He placed a chair in the centre and ran back upstairs leaving me to stare behind. He returned with my guitar and pushed me down on the chair, placing the guitar in my lap.

“Play something.”

“What?”

“You’ll see.”

I didn’t hesitate, it was like my body had a mind of its own, the music flowed naturally filling the empty silence of the room and in that moment nothing mattered. Getting caught didn’t cross my mind, in that single space of time, it was just me and my guitar. When the song faded out, the silence returned, I looked back over to my brother who was wildly smiling.

“Be prepared to silence the world.”  Love this!!!!
xxx

As I made my way to school the following week, it felt like any other ordinary day. I met up with Laura and the rest of the group and we stopped off at our usual coffee house before making a beeline to the school gates. The idle chatter between us seized as we noticed a commotion up ahead. The front of the school’s entrance was packed with people. We ran the rest of the way to school and stopped just short of the back of the group and that was when I allowed my other senses to work. Everything was quiet for a split second before I began to hear my voice but it wasn’t me. And it hit, that was what Johnny had meant by silencing the world. He had recorded me and used his computer engineering skills to send the video viral. A sense of elation spread through every cell of my being, he had made the impossible happen and my one desire come true. Ultimately he had today the best day of my life and I couldn’t ask for more.  Suddenly my phone began to ring, I parted from the crowd and quickly answered my parents call but I really wished I hadn’t.

“Kayla, you need to come home right now! It's your brother. He's been taken!”
I really like this story, I got chills at the end. I didn't predict the brother, I predicted she was going to be in trouble. So I enjoyed the twist! I think there are a few incidents of you explicitly telling what was happening when I could have worked it out anyway (I pointed them out) - so just remember, there is a balance you have to find here with a scifi story. I think to elevate your work, you should add in some jargon. Something that's true to your own world that you've created. I think you might find that making up some simple terminology (something for big brother, maybe something for intelligencia, something like that) will elevate your story into a new time!!

You should be proud of this! I didn't think it was cliche :)

Blissfulmelodii:

--- Quote from: elysepopplewell on October 17, 2016, 05:16:19 pm ---Hey! A lot of people feel this way about Science Fiction :( I didn't study it, thankfully, but I did dystopian texts for Ext 1 in Year 11 so I have some ideas about the topic :)

SpoilerSynopsis: In a totalitarian society set 100 years in the future where cold hard logic is the only accepted expression of personality, a brother and sister grow up with a passion for creativity which becomes a secret that they must keep between themselves or be executed and used as an example for the rest of society. When political strife arises the two set out to hack into the government's system and globally share musical performance videos which becomes a means of uniting a torn and dystopian society which has long since forgotten the importance of personal expression.

A fine line between right and wrong
“Father you cannot be teaching her this, if anyone was to find out we would all suffer! What you are doing is completely dangerous and I will not have my daughter involved!”

“If you remember correctly, you loved performing. You used to play for your mother and I after supper every evening.”

“Times have changed. We are no longer living in a free will society, I think this is too much telling and not enough showing :) this isn’t the 21st century anymore and it certainly isn’t the same government as when I was growing up. She is my daughter and what I say goes, you need to respect my wishes. No more music, understand?”

There was a brief silence to what I assumed meant an untold agreement, my heart dropped and I felt tears welling up in my eyes. A moment passed and then I heard shuffling coming from the other side of the door, i quickly ran upstairs and hurried down the hall towards my room, closing the door softly behind me, hoping I hadn’t been caught eavesdropping. 


“- he is so cool and I’m so jealous he has the latest holographic 360 watch! I’ve been asking my parent for months to get it for me-“ A holographic 360 watch seems like something in 20 years time for me, not 100 years. If you're trying to replicate the entering of a conversation, perhaps use an ellipsis rather than a hyphen at the start?
“Kayla are you okay?”

When my group of my friends noticed that I had stopped, they joined me and followed the direction of my eyes. The remarkable lines and intense detail in the image painted on the white brick wall of the school's entrance captivated everyone. None of us in our lifetimes had ever seen such colours and such beauty, in fact none of us had ever seen a piece of art before, not even in the history books. I remember my grandfather telling me about it, I believe they called it graffiti art and it was apparently very big in the 21st Century. Again, telling instead of showing :) You've showed in the start of the sentence, so it's suitable to drop this bit :)As my eyes continued to wonder over the image, taking in as much detail as I could, the bell rang shattering our moment of wonder Two uses of "wonder" in a sentence - consider adjusting.and in a daze we were swept by the tide of students into the school grounds, my friend Laura guiding me as I stumbled along continuing to stare.
xxx

“You sound really good.”

My head whipped up and my heart began to beat rapidly, my eyes widened and my brain began to swirl with a million thoughts as I attempted to come up with an explanation.

“I’m not going to tell anyone.”

The breath I hadn’t known I had been holding was released as I took in that small sentence. I didn’t speak – I didn’t know what to say – what could I say? I had just been caught in a crime, something so remarkably illegal that death was the penalty. How are you supposed to respond?
He lifted his finger and swept out of the room the bottom of his coat flying behind him, my eyebrows creased as I continued to sit in silence, utterly confused and slightly afraid. He returned a moment later holding his computer, software manufacturer and what looked like our grandfathers old sketching pad. He silently set the pad in front of me, I placed the acoustic guitar next to me and lifted the pad, opening the pages and flipping through. The further I went the further a sense of familiarity washed over me, I stopped on the last page and gasped. I looked up at my brother, eyes wide and mouth open.

“I have my own secrets to keep.”

“The image on the wall, that was you.” He nodded, a small, nervous smile on his face. “What you do is amazing, I’d give anything to be able share my music with the world”

“Maybe you can…”

He grabbed my arm and pulled me along beside him, I had no idea where he was taking me. He lead me down the hall and into the basement. He released the hold he had on my hand and began to move things around the room like a tornado sweeping through. I stood in the centre spinning in circles watching his every move, still completely confused. The darkness from the lack of windows and the cobwebs and layer of dust that covers every inch of the room made for an eerie atmosphere. He placed a chair in the centre and ran back upstairs leaving me to stare behind. He returned with my guitar and pushed me down on the chair, placing the guitar in my lap.

“Play something.”

“What?”

“You’ll see.”

I didn’t hesitate, it was like my body had a mind of its own, the music flowed naturally filling the empty silence of the room and in that moment nothing mattered. Getting caught didn’t cross my mind, in that single space of time, it was just me and my guitar. When the song faded out, the silence returned, I looked back over to my brother who was wildly smiling.

“Be prepared to silence the world.”  Love this!!!!
xxx

As I made my way to school the following week, it felt like any other ordinary day. I met up with Laura and the rest of the group and we stopped off at our usual coffee house before making a beeline to the school gates. The idle chatter between us seized as we noticed a commotion up ahead. The front of the school’s entrance was packed with people. We ran the rest of the way to school and stopped just short of the back of the group and that was when I allowed my other senses to work. Everything was quiet for a split second before I began to hear my voice but it wasn’t me. And it hit, that was what Johnny had meant by silencing the world. He had recorded me and used his computer engineering skills to send the video viral. A sense of elation spread through every cell of my being, he had made the impossible happen and my one desire come true. Ultimately he had today the best day of my life and I couldn’t ask for more.  Suddenly my phone began to ring, I parted from the crowd and quickly answered my parents call but I really wished I hadn’t.

“Kayla, you need to come home right now! It's your brother. He's been taken!”
I really like this story, I got chills at the end. I didn't predict the brother, I predicted she was going to be in trouble. So I enjoyed the twist! I think there are a few incidents of you explicitly telling what was happening when I could have worked it out anyway (I pointed them out) - so just remember, there is a balance you have to find here with a scifi story. I think to elevate your work, you should add in some jargon. Something that's true to your own world that you've created. I think you might find that making up some simple terminology (something for big brother, maybe something for intelligencia, something like that) will elevate your story into a new time!!

You should be proud of this! I didn't think it was cliche :)

--- End quote ---

Makes complete sense, good thing extension isn't for another 2 weeks hahaha plenty of time to fix this up.  Thank you so much!!

elysepopplewell:

--- Quote from: Blissfulmelodii on October 17, 2016, 06:42:28 pm ---Makes complete sense, good thing extension isn't for another 2 weeks hahaha plenty of time to fix this up.  Thank you so much!!

--- End quote ---

Not a worry! If you want to run with the jargon idea, feel free to run it past me if you want opinions on what is too far fetched and what makes a good word, etc. :)

Blissfulmelodii:

--- Quote from: elysepopplewell on October 17, 2016, 07:21:00 pm ---Not a worry! If you want to run with the jargon idea, feel free to run it past me if you want opinions on what is too far fetched and what makes a good word, etc. :)

--- End quote ---

I most definitely will! The idea of making words up may seem thrilling but I find it completely daunting lol

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