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English Extension One Creative Writing Thread!

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elysepopplewell:

--- Quote from: cmbarnes on October 29, 2016, 01:27:31 pm ---I love it B! (Not stalking you I swear  ;D) X

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You're so full of the ATAR Notes spirit :) :)

elysepopplewell:

--- Quote from: kavinila on October 30, 2016, 01:49:49 pm ---hello! :) I was wondering if someone could please have a looked at my creative and give me some feedback? I do Module C- Elective 2 Language and Gender. I can see that my story is nowhere near the standard it should be for extension :( But with the exam tomorrow, I realise that it's too late to worry bout it so I was wondering if you could give me some pointers on how to fix this up and push it into a B range or so? THankyou so much! :)

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Hey! What did you think of Language and Gender? It looks like a super interesting mod/elective!

Here's some feedback in bold font:
SpoilerFresh garlands of white jasmines, yellow and orange chrysanthemums and red roses hung, weaved across the hallway. Chairs covered in rich, red silky material were arranged in meticulous circles around the hall. The loud chanting of Vedic mantras could barely be heard above the chatter of the guests as they caught up. Screaming little children ran around the hall, playing hide-and-seek with the tail ends of the women’s saris, occasionally running to the entrance where a mini mountain of sugar crystals lay on a brass plate.  Wonderful - so much rich imagery. The colours are so vibrant here.
Meera, a young girl, of thirteen years, stood smiling on the stage, surrounded by a flock of women gushing over her. Though she didn’t understand why a celebration had to be held to mark her coming of age, she didn’t question what was happening and obeyed all the instructions she was given. That was the one thing she had observed from the puberty ceremonies she had attended- the girl’s only responsibility was to smile and look pretty.
Amidst the hustle and bustle of the festivity, Rani, Meera’s mother stood near the periphery of the stage, leaning against a pillar coated in cheap metallic paint. Her face glowed with a sense of achievement yet the long look of her eyes spoke of haunt almost.
The haunt soon crept over the woman’s tender face. Her daughter’s body no longer ceased to be an object. Her daughter was now a decorated object, fixed and identical to the determined shape of a traditional Indian woman. And as a mother, she had done nothing to stop that.
She glanced over the stage, where her mother stood besetting over Meera, as proud as a peacock. Love this. Rani’s breath fell short for a moment as she recalled her own mother’s quest to objectify her.
***
Rani had awoken to the rambunctious blasting of the auto rickshaw’s horn that day. The sound of her mother’s chappals slamming against the linoleum tiles had warned the twenty-year-old that her mother was heated. The door adorned with mango leaves and neat lines of sandalwood flung open, letting in Indian sun’s amber tinged rays which bled like fire, before it was slammed shut.
“WHY Rani? Why are you like this? Why are you doing this to me?” yelled Rani’s mother, frustrated. “Every girl in this town has gotten her period. I'm wondering - is this the best language to use? Would they says menses, menstruation, bled, etc? Is "period" colloquial Western terms? Even the babies you carried have now had their ceremonies. Yet you …” she paused, pacing to the window to shut it to ensure their neighbours wouldn’t hear the conversation.
“You’re twenty donkey years of age and you’re still yet to hit puberty.” Dejected, the woman slumped down against the pillar, with her small head in her hands. “People are asking Rani; I can’t do this. A daughter yet to hit puberty is worse that a daughter that eloped with a boy from a different caste. At least people will say that daughter is a female. You ... I don’t know any more Rani ... I … I… I… really don’t know.”
Her mother’s words and the silence crept onto through or under? I think this works nicer with "poison" because I imagine poison as a liquid, so this brings the imagery of it running through her veins. Rani’s skin like poison.
For a moment, everything stopped. Then slowly, her mother’s words and the silence crept through the Rani’s skin like poison, seeping into her blood, turning it cold.
Still faced, Rani had motionlessly walked out to the tea stall nearby. She reached into the fourth plastic jar and picked out a biscuit. Handing the owner a few paisa’s, she gently hummed along to the yesteryear melody playing from the stall owner transistor radio, picturing the actress dancing in the movie. She wondered how the actresses did it. How they performed so … desirably feminine. Explain their movements - soft elbows, raised chins, subtle smiles?
Lost in her own thoughts, Rani solemnly walked back home. 
“Aii Rani! Raaanii!”
Startled, Rani turned around to locate where the sound was coming from. A lanky boy seemed to be the one calling her. Stopping, Rani gestured ‘what?’ As the boy came closer, Rani recognised the boy to be Shekar, from the neighbouring town who had tried to speak to her on numerous occasions.
“What, do you think you’re Aishwarya Rai or something? Do you think you’re that beautiful that all the boys in town will chase after you like dogs?” asked Shekar, rather timidly. “The men know of your problem- so be a good little girl and accept my proposal,” he demanded, smirking before riding off on his cycle.
Rani walked up to the terrace that night. Surrounded by various pots of blooming flowers, she laid down on the yoga mat. She looked up at the night sky which resembled a blank ocean, blanketed by a canopy of shining stars. Not a single star looked odd. Each shone in the same way, creating a perfect uniformity- which Rani desperately yearned for.
***
As Rani looked back at the stage to see the ladies doting on Meera, she felt relief. She was thankful that her daughter wouldn’t be ostracised like she had been, by the very women who stood proudly beside Meera.
Rani melancholically reminisced the trip she had made as a twenty-one-year-old to her mother’s native village. The names, the gossip, the slurs and the curses. It had hurt; to hear such things from her own relatives. Day by day, she was forcibly transformed.
They had taught her how to speak; how to walk; how to talk and the list went on. When they realised that she was inept to conventional femininity, Rani was told to act. “Pretend it’s a performance.”
The women had succeeded. They had managed to mould Rani into shape. Yet Rani stood on the stage today, feeling defeated and depleted. What little she had, she had lost. And today she merely became just another mother. Just another strand of hair that could be destroyed in one go.


* are the hyphens needed?

I think that this is actually a really wonderful piece - the impact of gender is so clear. This if the first piece from this elective I've given feedback on (I've been so excited for one!), so I don't have a lot to compare to in terms of what the best creatives look like. But, I do think it's wonderful. You've really planted the female experience into a cultural experience - and that's powerful. I don't know if this is a suggested thing for your elective, is it suggested to compare male and female experiences? The menstruation thing is powerful, it brings in not only the experience of the 20 year old, but also the way that the mum experiences her gender.

I love your reflection at the end - although I don't understand the last bit about the hair?

I think it's ironic that she wants to be amongst the uniformity of the stars, yet by being a girl, she is just a part of a plain platform: the same archetype repeated over and over. That's powerful- and I think you could emphasise it a little more even! :)

bholenath125:
How long would it typically take for the creative to get marked?

jamonwindeyer:


--- Quote from: bholenath125 on November 15, 2016, 05:20:01 pm ---How long would it typically take for the creative to get marked?

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Normally between 24-48 hours, allow more during busy times like half yearly exams and stuff like that! ;D

QC:
Hi, I was reading the HSC EE1 Creative question for ATB and I was thinking wth. How on earth would you use a person from your prescribed text as a character if you pre-prepared a creative without someone from a prescribed text. I'm assuming that was like 99.999% of the candidature, what could anyone have done? Just write an entirely new creative on the spot?

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