HSC Stuff > Area of Study (Old Syllabus)
Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread
amina_98:
Hey guys!
This is my thesis statement for AOS Discovery Essay.
Discoveries encompass exposure to new landscapes. An individual reconsidering their outlooks can evoke this within themselves and others, challenging their ideals held about themselves and the world around them. Shakespeare's play, "The Tempest" and Peter Weir's drama film "Dead Poets Society" convey this through their depitction of the far reaching impact of emotional and self-discoveries.
I'd like some feedback as to whether a third party believes this is succint and adaptable? Cheers ;D
jamonwindeyer:
--- Quote from: Nicki on October 06, 2016, 05:28:54 pm ---hi!
i was hoping i could get some advice on my these statement for my discovery essay :) would be much appreciated
was also wondering if its too specific?
thesis:
It is the power of discoveries in being able to confront an individual’s intrinsic values and beliefs which allow them to physically and mentally transform an individual’s perception of themselves and their surrounding world.
--- End quote ---
Hey Nicki! I like the idea you are putting across, it works well, but I think your expression could be tidied a tad:
It is the power of discoveries inAn individual being able to confront an individual’s their intrinsic values and beliefs which allows them to physically and mentally transform an individual’stheir perceptions of themselves and their surrounding world.
Provided you then go into just a tad more detail, likely to link to the question, I really like it! ;D I don't think it is too specific, you could use it in response to a variety of questions, but perhaps have other ideas in your back pocket in case you get something particularly nasty ;)
jamonwindeyer:
--- Quote from: CaitlinSavins on October 06, 2016, 06:07:13 pm ---Hello! I've been a massive nerd and spent more studying than socialising but the good news is that I already have some idea of what my thesis will be about :)
Discoveries often act as catalysts for the cultivation of maturity in an individual’s life. This growth is stimulated by evocative discoveries, both deliberate and unforeseen, made within the paradigms of emotion, intellect and spiritualism, and grants the individual the lucidity to challenge and question their past perspectives.
Is this clear and to the point? How can I improve it?
--- End quote ---
Hey Caitlin! Glad to hear from a fellow nerd ;)
I like this Thesis! I think it would work better if you used a synonym for discoveries in the second sentence, or perhaps framed it a little differently, right now it is repetitious. Your expression in the last part of that second sentence could also perhaps be polished ever so slightly, just a tad messy:
Discoveries often act as catalysts for the cultivation of maturity in an individual’s life. This growth is stimulated by evocative discoveriesSYNONYM, both deliberate and unforeseen, made within the paradigms of emotion, intellect and spiritualism, andthus grantsing the individual the lucidity to challenge and question their past perspectives.
I think this is a really great Thesis! Well developed, though you may want to practice linking it to questions once Year 12 starts. I love that you have ideas already, if you are writing this already you should feel super confident for the 12 months ahead! ;D
jamonwindeyer:
--- Quote from: amina_98 on October 06, 2016, 06:15:49 pm ---Hey guys!
This is my thesis statement for AOS Discovery Essay.
Discoveries encompass exposure to new landscapes. An individual reconsidering their outlooks can evoke this within themselves and others, challenging their ideals held about themselves and the world around them. Shakespeare's play, "The Tempest" and Peter Weir's drama film "Dead Poets Society" convey this through their depitction of the far reaching impact of emotional and self-discoveries.
I'd like some feedback as to whether a third party believes this is succint and adaptable? Cheers ;D
--- End quote ---
Third party reporting for duty ;) okay, so I love the way you bring in the texts but still link to a concept quickly, that works well. I think your Thesis itself is very adaptable, though perhaps slightly simplistic, I'd like to see you add more to that first sentence that responds to the question and develops some sophistication (EG - What does this exposure cause? What landscapes do you mean, just physical or emotional as well?). Expression is definitely great. On the whole, I think this works well, and should be nicely adaptable for an essay question! Just remember to spice it up a bit when you see the specific question ;D
amina_98:
Thank you so much Jamon!!
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