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Please correct my essay!

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Liiil:
This entry is for the 2009 Question 12 for Section 3.

高校をそつぎょうした後で何もできます。たくさんの学生は休みたいですが、したくない人もいます。たしかに、きめる時に、いい点と悪い点をかんがえた方がいいです。

大学をはじめる時とおわる時にきっといそがしくなります。旅行に行く時間がありません。だから、そつぎょうした後で、一年間にどこにも行きやすいです。

そして、何がするか分からないと、一年間にいろいろなことをしてみて、きめることができます。すぐ大学にほんとうに何がしたいか分からないかもしれません。

でも、一年間に何もしない時はお金もちしかできません。ほかの人はアルバイトをしなければなりません。だから、旅行に行けなくて、アルバイトをすることだけ分かります。

それから、たくさんの休む人は大学にいきません。「来月ぜったいに大学に行く」と思っていますが、一年後まだ行きません。よく、大学に行く考えはなくなります。だから、たいていいい仕事をはたらきたいと、そつぎょうした後ですぐ大学に行った方がいいです。

きめる前に、いい点と悪い点を考えて下さい。

Thank you!

sarangiya:
This entry is for the 2009 Question 12 for Section 3.

高校をそつぎょうした後で何でもできます。たくさんの学生は休みたがりますが、休みたくない人もいます。たしかに、きめる時に、いい点と悪い点をかんがえた方がいいです。
1. Either 'ni' or 'de' but 'ni' is usually preferred. To me it sounds more natural and Googling 行った後で and 行った後に there are  almost double the hits for the latter
2. Nanimo is only used with negation
3. ~tai is only used in first person, ~tagaru is the 3rd-person equivalent and is indeed on the VCE study design
4. Being consistent with verbs is important, substituting with 'do' like you would a pronoun may be common in English but not Japanese
5. "mochiron" could be more natural. I feel like tashikani is used in agreement or consolidation, not stressing a point. Could just be me.

大学をはじめる時とおわる時にきっといそがしくなります。旅行に行く時間がありません。だから、そつぎょうした後で、一年間にどこにも行きやすいです。
I could be wrong with this, but when specifying duration one doesn't really use particles unless it's "you could go anywhere within one year" over "you could go anywhere for year", in which case it would be で

そして、何をするか分からなかったら、一年間でいろいろなことをしてみて、きめることができます。すぐ大学に行ってほんとうに何をしたいか分からないかもしれません。
1., 5., が→を suru is a verb
2. I considered making this green for 'unnatural/could be better' but really the potential form with "to" indicates something natural that always happens no matter what i.e. 秋が来ると天気が寒くなります, whereas ~ttara is more forgiving
3. In this case it is de as it is referring to "within the span of a year" you do stuff etc. etc.
4. I think you just forgot this one

でも、一年間で何もしないのはお金もちしかできません。ほかの人はアルバイトをしなければなりません。だから、旅行に行けなくて、アルバイトをすることだけ分かります。
1. same as above, alternatively retract it
2. it is not when or the time in which you do nothing that is only for the rich, it's the actual *act* of doing nothing, hence no/alternatively, 'koto'
3. I would probably go for 行かないで (without going)
４. I questioned this only because it's slightly unnatural and also a little harsh (maybe cultural appropriateness criteria). I would suggest も可能です・もあります・こと人もいます

それから、たくさんの休む人は大学にいきません。「来月ぜったいに大学に行く」と思っていますが、一年後もまだ行っていません。よく、大学に行く考えはなくなります。だから、たいていいい仕事をしたいと思っているのなら、そつぎょうした後ですぐ大学に行った方がいいです。
１．Nothing really incorrect but how about "omotteirunoni" for variety :)
2. Up to you with this but I feel like it makes it more natural and this "mo" holds an 'even after...' nuance which is nice
3. Continuous form sometimes means 'in the process of' i.e. going somewhere in which your reply may be 'but you're not on your way to university all of the time', but it also denotes a 'condition' in which something is in, i.e. going to school (not actually going, but being enrolled in) or 'naotteinai' for a cold being 'not cured'
4. bit odd not sure where it fits
5. maybe debatable, but I think you forgot "omou" (hopefully not potential to). I don't think "shigoto wo hataraku" is a common noun-verb pairing, where as "shigoto" can indeed be a suru-verb. ~no nara can be replaced with 思っていたら *not* 思っていると

きめる前に、いい点と悪い点を考えて下さい。

Thank you!

Very nicely written, quite better than a lot of essays I've read. I can't really give you a score out of /15 as I'm not used to "assessing" so much as "correcting". But hopefully this gives you an idea of things to be wary of. I would brainstorm a bit more at the beginning, and get some ideas. Your content (criteria-wise) is not bad, but you can probably fit a bit more in with regard to advantages or disadvantages. Range of grammar is not bad, vocabulary could be a bit more diverse.  But you're quite natural - I especially liked the "they think 'next month I'll definitely go to uni!"" part and thought it was a nice use of dialogue, general expression and ethos. If I were you, I wouldn't be too worried about Section C. You're quite a strong writer and if you have other points that need improvement (e.g. listening), I'd go for those. If not, do some more essays and you'll be putting yourself in good stead.

Liiil:
Thank you so much! It helps a lot, and thanks for taking so much time to give me precise criticism! I should work on ttara form more, nani(de/mo/demo) things more, and being more careful about particles!  :D :D

Thank you!  ;D ;D ;D

sarangiya:

--- Quote from: Liiil on November 14, 2016, 05:55:05 pm ---Thank you so much! It helps a lot, and thanks for taking so much time to give me precise criticism! I should work on ttara form more, nani(de/mo/demo) things more, and being more careful about particles!  :D :D

Thank you!  ;D ;D ;D

--- End quote ---
Awesome!! And you're welcome! I'm sure you'll smash it so good luck :)

Liiil:

--- Quote from: sarangiya on November 14, 2016, 06:58:54 pm ---Awesome!! And you're welcome! I'm sure you'll smash it so good luck :)

--- End quote ---

Thanks! I need to work on listening as well :'( Do you think doing some dictation activities would help?

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