self-disappointment rant, need to get this off my chest -__-`

[koreaboo99]

Hi all,

Please meet the world's biggest idiot .....ME! *round of applause*

I am so fed up with myself and I can't even begin to explain how much I am dying inside of self-resentment. 

So, we have a methods SAC going on, split into 3 parts over two weeks.  For the first part, we get 2 lessons to work over it.  I don't have any friends to form a study group with, but someone else let me take pictures of the questions (they have a study group that memorised each and every single question of the SAC).  So...I have such a big opportunity given to me to absolutely ace this SAC and what do I do?  Watch it slip out of my hands and go to waste.  I worked through all the questions and copied them down onto my CAS, HOWEVER HOWEVER HOWEVER, despite having ALL this knowledge... this idiot still didn't finish the SAC 

And why, you ask?  Because when I was trying to sketch two graphs onto the same axes, there were too many points clogged up, and it was too confusing for me to read.  Ultimately, I ran out of time and left out 3-4 marks worth of questions.

Now before you dismiss this as another "nerd" worrying about a horrible SAC which "won't even matter in the long run"....please stop.  This disappointment and resentment isn't over a SAC...it's over me and my stupidity as a person.  I'm not disappointed that the SAC didn't go well, I'm disappointed that I, despite having and knowing ALL the possible knowledge I needed to ace this, wasted my chance.  I am the one who keeps on letting myself down over these things. I...I can't find the proper words to express the exact depth of my self-resentment but tbh...resentment and disappointment is all that I'm full of at the moment.

I feel like I am perhaps the most useless, worthless and biggest idiotic loser to have ever existed on this planet.  Maybe if I died, someone else could take over this precious space and actually make good use of it.

Sorry for this pessimistic rant, I'm usually an optimistic, look at the glass as half-full instead of half-empty-type of person, but I really needed to get this off my chest.

[Calebark]

Hi

I'm not going to tell you it'll be okay and it won't matter -- I've been in your situation, and I know how tiring it is. I myself have been on-and-off depressed since '14, and I know how much it permeates every aspect of your life, including schoolwork.

I can't offer much on your schoolwork (but really, we've all been there), but I can tell you that there are people experiencing similar feelings, and there are resources to help you with this. If these feelings of resentment are bothering you, perhaps see your doctor about depression (you're eligible for up to 10 free psych sessions).

Don't feel bad about ranting about this -- we all need a good rant.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/depression
Lifeline: 13 11 14

[heids]

I get ya. I feel this way daily.

These thoughts and feelings hurt like hell. They're real and they kill. They're not just something you can brush off or snap out of. But that doesn't mean the thoughts are true or realistic, ya feel?

For instance:
- No, you're not the world's biggest idiot. I'm sorry, but there are seven billion people competing for those laurels and I doubt you'll manage to win them
- Yes, everyone makes mistakes like this
- No, dying and leaving someone else your place wouldn't help; they would make just as many errors as you, and people really value you (I don't know you but I predict with 99% certainty that this is true)
- Objectively speaking you are probably "worth" far more to the economy than many, many, many others alive, and I doubt you're actively harmful

Depression or extreme self-criticism are big fat liars. Thoughts of being useless, worthless, the worst person in the world, and like you should die, are some of the most common lies they feed to all victims. But they feel so. damn. real.

I recommend checking out Moodgym, a great free online CBT course - it's genuinely helpful for many people.

[koreaboo99]

Thanks so much for your kind words and support guys really really appreciate it!! I'm really sorry to hear that you have been through the same experiences but thanks so so so much!  I'm all good/normal now (though the procastination is still there...wait...that's part of me being 'normal' xD)  It was more of a 'heat in the moment' kind of reaction, and now I feel motivated to somehow overcome the evil that is procastination and work towards being the person I wanna be.  Thanks so much once again ^__^

[Joseph41]

Thanks so much for your kind words and support guys really really appreciate it!! I'm really sorry to hear that you have been through the same experiences but thanks so so so much!  I'm all good/normal now (though the procastination is still there...wait...that's part of me being 'normal' xD)  It was more of a 'heat in the moment' kind of reaction, and now I feel motivated to somehow overcome the evil that is procastination and work towards being the person I wanna be.  Thanks so much once again ^__^

I'm glad things have improved a little!