Suzanne Cory high school essays

[GalacticProcess]

Hey guys,
This year I will be sitting the exam for year 11 entry into Suzanne Cory. I will be trying to regularly post my persuasive texts and narrative pieces. It would be great if some of you guys could read over them and give me some feedback. If you feel like a word should not have been used, please advise on what word could be used next time. I just wanted to clarify, is it alright to only write 2 arguments? It is what I have been taught (the teacher said to do this as I only have 15 mins to write). Also, do I need to include a rebuttal paragraph? Thanks
Topic: Should the driving age be raised to 21.

The legal driving age has been a topic of debate for many years. If the driving age is kept at eighteen years, it will provide a sense of responsibility and independence for young men and women. Keeping the age to eighteen will also benefit parents as they will not have to drive their children around.

Firstly, keeping the driving age to eighteen will increase responsibility and independence of young men and women. It will give them a taste of what life is like in adulthood. For young people, independence allows for them to trust their own decisions and makes them more confident in daily life situations. The responsibility of driving at a young age will allow them to develop their understanding of life around them and will prepare them for life after the 'teen' years. However, people being allowed to drive at the age of eighteen will also benefit parents.

Secondly, if the legal driving age is increased to twenty-one, it will mean that parents will have to drive their children everywhere. This reduces the time that parents have for other things such as spending time with his or her partner or just relaxing. It also makes children feel like a burden on their parents as they are still being driven around to places even at the age of eighteen. Many parents are unable to drive their children around due to work commitments and various other reasons.

In conclusion, the driving age should unequivocally not be raised to twenty-one. Firstly, when children start driving at eighteen, it raised their confidence levels and puts more responsibility onto them. Secondly, it allows for parents to step back and enjoy the times when they don't need to drive their children around. Therefore, the driving age should definitely not be raised to twenty-one.

[emonerd]

hey ! so i guess you shouldnt take my word for it and i dont know if my opinion is right haha but usually when i write persuasives, i like to steer away from using 'firstly', 'secondly' and 'thirdly' as my paragraph starters. i feel like its too generic. Instead maybe try using words like 'furthermore', 'moreover' and 'in addition' for your second and third body paragraphs. using 'firstly' in your first paragraph is fine but i just feel like it gets too... boring you could say if you continue to use those paragraph starters. don't take my word for it completely haha i dont really deem myself as suitable to critique your work but this is just my opinion. good luck !!

[zhen]

In my opinion you should aim for about 500 words minimum for the essay. Right now, your essay is about 300 words (That's what it says on the wordcounter site). I know that quality>quantity, but right now it seeks like you're not able to flesh out your points properly, since you haven't said enough. Also, I agree with the statement that having the firstly, secondly, and in conclusion structure is generic and doesn't help you to stand out.

The legal driving age has been a topic of debate for many years. Try to have a stronger starting sentence to capture the reader's attention, instead of a really generic sentence like this. If the driving age is kept at eighteen years I feel like this sudden change from context to argument doesn't flow well and could be done better , it will provide a sense of responsibility and independence for young men and women. A linking word like furthermore/additionally would make this flow better here Keeping the age to eighteen will also benefit parents as they will not have to drive their children around.

Firstly, keeping the driving age to weird expression here eighteen will increase the (it feels like the is missing here) responsibility and independence of young men and women. It will give them a taste of what life is like in adulthood. For young people, independence allows for them to trust their own decisions and makes them more confident in daily life situations.  This is phrased unusually and is not necessarily true The responsibility of driving at a young age will allow them to develop their understanding of life around them and will prepare them for life after the 'teen' years. This might be true, but it's a massive stretch and is not explained well However, people being allowed to drive at the age of eighteen will also benefit parents.

Secondly, if the legal driving age is increased to twenty-one, it will mean that parents will have to drive their children everywhere. This is a valid argument, but the phrasing just seems too casual. I would say something like Additionally, increasing the legal driving age will force parents to squander their precious time driving their children. I think you need an explanation sentence here stating something like Increasing the legal driving age will heavily limit the means of transportation of teenagers, thus forcing them to rely on their parents. This reduces the time that parents have for other things such as spending time with his or her their would be better here partner or just relaxing. It also makes children feel like a burden on their parents This could be expressed better as they are still being driven around to places even at the age of eighteen. Many parents are unable to drive their children around due to work commitments and various other reasons.

In conclusion, the driving age should unequivocally not be raised to twenty-one. Firstly, when children start driving at eighteen, it raised their confidence levels and puts more responsibility onto them. Secondly, it allows for parents to step back and enjoy the times when they don't need to drive their children around. The expression here isn't formal Therefore, the driving age should definitely not be raised to twenty-one.

I know that these comments in general have been really negative, but you've done a decent job at writing an essay in 15 minutes. It's just that this crazy time limit really creates many expression errors and makes it really difficult to develop your arguments. Anyway good job and keep working hard.  Also, take my advice with a grain of salt, since I'm in year 12 this year.

[GalacticProcess]

Thanks zhen,
I completely understand your reasoning behind the negative comments and I do not find them at all offensive. In fact, I am very pleased that you have been critical of my writing as it helps me find all the errors. Can you please just let me know what I can write instead of what I actually wrote. For example - when a sentence is too informal, it would be great if you could let me know how I could possibly write it in the future. Thank you so much.

[GalacticProcess]

Thanks for the reply emonerd,
I completely understand what you mean.

I have written a creative piece. Can you guys please read this and once again give me some feedback. I just wanted to ask... when writing a creative piece, is it necessary to write the basic 5 paragraph structure (orientation, complication, rising tension, climax and resolution)? Can I write the way I have written this one? Thanks

Topic: Image: Girl looking out of window. Below picture it says "What happens next?"

Heavy, grey clouds filled the sky, glued together so that no light could pass through. The trees stood low as though they were bored out of their misery. I could smell the smoke coming from the burning houses. BANG! The noise came again as the rubble from demolished trees flew around. "What happens next?" I though to myself as I saw people running around screaming.

"Tom! Hurry!" My father yelled as he urgently demanded me to follow him.

I quickly jumped off the dusty wooden table I was sitting on and scampered behind him. As soon as I steppe outside, the cold wind hit me like a massive wall. My hair stood on end and tiny goosebumps covered my body. BANG! There it went again. Screams filled the air once again and I started to hear a sharp ringing in my hears. Men wearing bulky white uniforms were running around, aiming their black rifles at frightened residents. Rocks were being thrown as people being attacked attempted to rebel against the orders of the men dressed in white.

My father grabbed me and pulled me behind a rusted tank as if he was trying to keep us out of sight. We tried to stay as quiet as possible. A man with big black boots walked past us as we tried to stay as low to the ground as possible. We slowly rose to our feet and sneaked away from the tank. I didn't know where we were going and I hadn't bothered to ask my father. I saw a large building in the distance. Wondering why that had not been destroyed just as every house in the area had, I assumed that it would (be) our destination. Every couple of seconds, we darted behind nearby objects objects to avoid being seen.

"Stop right there!" A voice boomed (from) behind us.

As we swiveled around, one of the men dressed in white pressed the trigger of his gun. To my horror, my father collapsed near me, clutching his chest. In an attempt to protect my father from further shots, I stood in front of him with my arms widespread. To my amazement, the man lowered his weapon.

"What are you doing?" Thundered a voice to my right.

As soon as this was said, my father's killer lifted his rifle once more and the sound of a gunshot echoed through my mind. My body started to sway and my vision started to blur. The environment soon appeared to be engulfed with thick mist as I began to feel very cold.

Thanks

[zhen]

Thanks zhen,
I completely understand your reasoning behind the negative comments and I do not find them at all offensive. In fact, I am very pleased that you have been critical of my writing as it helps me find all the errors. Can you please just let me know what I can write instead of what I actually wrote. For example - when a sentence is too informal, it would be great if you could let me know how I could possibly write it in the future. Thank you so much.

I'll try to provide examples next time, but I'm not really the best person to do that type of thing. For the example when I said it was informal in the conclusion, an alternative could be that it prevents parents from being inconvenienced by their children's transportation needs or something like that.

[GalacticProcess]

I'll try to provide examples next time, but I'm not really the best person to do that type of thing. For the example when I said it was informal in the conclusion, an alternative could be that it prevents parents from being inconvenienced by their children's transportation needs or something like that.

Ok thanks.

[zhen]

Topic: Image: Girl looking out of window. Below picture it says "What happens next?"

Heavy, grey clouds filled the sky, glued together so that no light could pass through. Really good description and starting sentence The trees stood low as though they were bored out of their misery  The saying is I'll put you out of your misery, which basically means to kill someone, which makes this part sound weird . I could smell the smoke coming from the burning houses. BANG! The noise came again as the rubble from demolished trees flew around. Great description and use of onomatopoeia "What happens next?" I thought to myself as I saw people running around screaming.

"Tom! Hurry!" My father yelled as he urgently demanded me to follow him. I think this could be more effective if you used capital letters and describe it better. Like "TOM! HURRY!", my father screamed at the top of his lungs, as he urgently demanded me to follow him.

I quickly jumped off the dusty wooden table I was sitting on and scampered behind him. As soon as I stepped outside, the cold wind hit me like a massive wall. My hair stood on end and tiny goosebumps covered my body. BANG! There it went again. Screams filled the air once again and I started to hear a sharp ringing in my ears. Again great descritive language used Men wearing bulky white uniforms were running around, aiming their black rifles at frightened residents. Rocks were being thrown as people being attacked attempted to rebel against the orders of the men dressed in white. I think it would be better to make the people the subject of the sentence. For example, people were desperately hurling rocks at these ment dressed in white. This just makes your sentence more concise.

My father grabbed me and pulled me behind a rusted tank as if he was trying to keep us out of sight. We tried to stay as quiet as possible. A man with big black boots walked past us as we tried to stay as low to the ground as possible. We slowly rose to our feet and sneaked away from the tank. I didn't know where we were going and I hadn't bothered to ask my father. I saw a large building in the distance. Wondering why that had not been destroyed just as every house in the area had, I assumed that it would (be) our destination. Every couple of seconds, we darted behind nearby objects objects to avoid being seen.

"Stop right there!" A voice boomed (from) behind us.

As we swiveled around, one of the men dressed in white pressed the trigger of his gun. This would be a great time to do something like BANG! A violent sound began resonating throughout my very being. My eyes began darting around frantically and out of the corner of my eye I see my father tightly clutching his chest. To my horror, my father collapsed near me, clutching his chest. In an attempt to protect my father from further shots, I stood in front of him with my arms widespread. To my amazement, the man lowered his weapon.

"What are you doing?" Thundered a voice to my right.

As soon as this was said, my father's killer lifted his rifle once more and the sound of a gunshot echoed through my mind. My body started to sway and my vision started to blur. The environment soon appeared to be engulfed with thick mist Great description here as I began to feel very cold. I feel like you could have described this better than just saying that the character felt "very cold". Also, I noticed that you haven't described the features of the killer, which could be a really good thing to add.

I think that this creative is a lot better than your persuasive piece. Overall I think you did a great job writing this! I think this was an extremely solid piece of writing with only minor flaws.     You can post more practice essays here, which I'll try to correct, but I'm busy for the rest of the term, so I might take a while to correct your essays in the future.

[GalacticProcess]

I think that this creative is a lot better than your persuasive piece. Overall I think you did a great job writing this! I think this was an extremely solid piece of writing with only minor flaws.     You can post more practice essays here, which I'll try to correct, but I'm busy for the rest of the term, so I might take a while to correct your essays in the future.

Thank you so much. I agree with you when you say that this piece is a lot better than the persuasive text. I felt a lot more confident just writing it. Thanks for giving me examples when you find a fault in my writing. Would the word count suffice? It was only 427 words. I will try to post a piece of writing every day or every 2 days. If and when you have time, you can read over and make any comments. I understand that year 12 is a busy year. One more thing... do I need to write in the 5 paragraph structure (orientation, complication, rising tension, climax and resolution) or is the way I wrote mine fine? If you could please advise me on how I can think of ideas very quickly that would also be appreciated. I tend to take very long to think of things to write about.
Thanks

[zhen]

Thank you so much. I agree with you when you say that this piece is a lot better than the persuasive text. I felt a lot more confident just writing it. Thanks for giving me examples when you find a fault in my writing. Would the word count suffice? It was only 427 words. I will try to post a piece of writing every day or every 2 days. If and when you have time, you can read over and make any comments. I understand that year 12 is a busy year. One more thing... do I need to write in the 5 paragraph structure (orientation, complication, rising tension, climax and resolution) or is the way I wrote mine fine? If you could please advise me on how I can think of ideas very quickly that would also be appreciated. I tend to take very long to think of things to write about.
Thanks

I think that the amount of words here is enough, as long as you can reproduce this kind of quality in the exam. In my opinion, in creative writing you don't have to follow a set structure, so I don't think you need to write in a 5 paragraph structure. I think the way you did your creative is fine. I'd say that you just need to practice more to think of ideas quickly. For most of my essays, I use the same structure/words, so practicing more helps me engrain these things into my mind.

[GalacticProcess]

I think that the amount of words here is enough, as long as you can reproduce this kind of quality in the exam. In my opinion, in creative writing you don't have to follow a set structure, so I don't think you need to write in a 5 paragraph structure. I think the way you did your creative is fine. I'd say that you just need to practice more to think of ideas quickly. For most of my essays, I use the same structure/words, so practicing more helps me engrain these things into my mind.

Ok thanks,
So if I write something like this in the real exam, do you think I would be good to go? What result do you think I would get (above average, superior, etc)? Btw, how can I practice to think of ideas quickly? Thanks

[patriciarose]

I have written a creative piece. Can you guys please read this and once again give me some feedback. I just wanted to ask... when writing a creative piece, is it necessary to write the basic 5 paragraph structure (orientation, complication, rising tension, climax and resolution)? Can I write the way I have written this one? Thanks. is there a basic five paragraph structure? i'd say you want all those things in there though, otherwise you won't get the impact you're after. wasn't aware there was a formula for it though haha.

Topic: Image: Girl looking out of window. Below picture it says "What happens next?"

Heavy, grey clouds filled the sky, glued together so that no light could pass through. The trees stood low as though they were bored out of their misery. I could smell the smoke coming from the burning houses. BANG! The noise came again as the rubble from demolished trees flew around. "What happens next?" I thought to myself as I saw people running around screaming.

"Tom! Hurry!" My father yelled as he urgently demanded me to follow him. is his dad yelling that sentence or is he just yelling in general? if he's yelling that sentence, the grammar should be: "Tom! Hurry!" my father yelled as ... etc etc. it's like how if you hadn't used an exclamation mark, the comma and quotation marks would be followed by a lowercase word.

I quickly jumped off the dusty wooden table I was sitting on and scampered behind him. As soon as I steppe outside, the cold wind hit me like a massive wall. My hair stood on end and tiny goosebumps covered my body. BANG! There it went again. Screams filled the air once again and I started to hear a sharp ringing in my hears. Men wearing bulky white uniforms were running around, aiming their black rifles at frightened residents. Rocks were being thrown as people being attacked attempted to rebel against the orders of the men dressed in white. first part is great, last sentence is clunky. i agree with zhen: people need to be the subject of the sentence here. [sidenote: do civilians generally attempt to rebel against authoritative people with guns? seems hazardous and most people are generally on the flight end of the fight or flight specturm, but eh. it works.]

My father grabbed me and pulled me behind a rusted tank as if he was trying to keep us out of sight. do you need the as if? what else would he be trying to do? i'd probably go with "... rusted tank, trying to keep us out of sight." We tried to stay as quiet as possible. A man with big black boots walked past us as we tried to stay as low to the ground as possible. two as possibles is repetitive. (note: not necessarily a bad thing, but it's as simple as saying 'as we could' instead of 'as possible' so might as well mention it haha.) We slowly rose to our feet and sneaked away from the tank. I didn't know where we were going and I hadn't bothered to ask my father. I saw a large building in the distance. Wondering why that had not been destroyed just as every house in the area had, I assumed that it would (be) our destination. Every couple of seconds, we darted behind nearby objects objects to avoid being seen.

"Stop right there!" same as above. lowercase a, unless the 'stop right there' is not what the voice is booming. if it is, it's a continuation of the sentence and you need lowercase. A voice boomed (from) behind us.

As we swiveled around, one of the men dressed in white pressed the trigger of his gun. since you used BANGs a lot before, it might be cool to stick another one here? just because repetition is a super easy literary device to work into your work, and it makes you look very prepared, like you've planned this out a lot more than is probably true (you get a ridiculously short space of time to writethis in, right?) To my horror, my father collapsed near me, clutching his chest. In an attempt to protect my father from further shots, I stood in front of him with my arms widespread. To my amazement, the man lowered his weapon. neither of these are really wrong but you've started both with 'to my [feeling]' and the english nerd in me would prefer variation. but upon rereading you might have to do quite a bit shifting those sentences around if you were to change one of those phrases, idk.

"What are you doing?" again, lowercase that t. the voice is thundering 'what are you doing?' which means it is a continuation of the sentence. Thundered a voice to my right.

As soon as this was said, my father's killer lifted his rifle once more and the sound of a gunshot echoed through my mind. mind? i get what you're trying to do but? this seemed a little off when i first read it and really hasn't improved the second time around. if it's echoing in his mind, then i'm going to need more than that for it to seem plausible. My body started to sway and my vision started to blur. The environment soon appeared to be engulfed with thick mist as I began to feel very cold. okay logistically i have nothing to say about this sentence but i feel like there are probably more sophisticated ways to phrase it? eg. "The environment soon seemed to be engulfed with thick mist, the temperature dropping inexplicably fast.' saying he began to feel cold is probably not wrong but hey, show rather than tell. you did that really well before wth the skin prickling stuff!

i'm kind of going to disagree with zhen here (sorry!), because i kind of like that you haven't described the killer? it makes it seem as if the action is to be attributed to the group rather than the individual, idk, there's something very cold about it. arguably this could be enhanced by giving him (them?) features, but i feel like that could also make it very generic. but definitely personal preference here (: 

this is really good! i was quite nitpicky here because you said you wanted concrit, but please take it with a bucket of salt because i'm only in year twelve. (: good luck with your test!

[GalacticProcess]

this is really good! i was quite nitpicky here because you said you wanted concrit, but please take it with a bucket of salt because i'm only in year twelve. (: good luck with your test!

Thanks so much for your time to correct my piece. Can you please explain what you mean by "if it's echoing in his mind, then i'm going to need more than that for it to seem plausible"? Going back to the narratvive structure. Was my narrative structure fine or does it need fixing?

I will continue to post my writing pieces here regurlarly so if and when you have time, just check back on this thread.
Thanks

[zhen]

Ok thanks,
So if I write something like this in the real exam, do you think I would be good to go? What result do you think I would get (above average, superior, etc)? Btw, how can I practice to think of ideas quickly? Thanks

I honestly don't know what the standard is to get into Suzanne Cory by year 11 entry, since I got into Melbourne High through year 9 entry and even then I didn't really do well in the writing section. When I say to practice, I mean to write more essays and some under time conditions, so you get used to writing under pressure, which helps you get used to thinking of ideas faster.

[GalacticProcess]

I honestly don't know what the standard is to get into Suzanne Cory by year 11 entry, since I got into Melbourne High through year 9 entry and even then I didn't really do well in the writing section. When I say to practice, I mean to write more essays and some under time conditions, so you get used to writing under pressure, which helps you get used to thinking of ideas faster.

Ok, I am currently writing essays in timed conditions. Hopefully one month of this will prepare me well enough to get through.