Suzanne Cory high school essays

[zhen]

Hello everyone!
I've finished my exams. YAY! 

The Suzanne Cory exam is tomorrow so I thought I would use today to practice some more writing pieces just to keep in touch with the time frame. I have written a persuasive essay today. I feel like I could have written so much more for each body paragraph but I didn't know what I could have written. Can someone please suggest how I can expand more on any argument I choose to write and what else I could have written in the following piece? 

Also, is the structure of my persuasive alright or does it need touching up? 

This piece was only 352 words...  Do I need to write a lot more or is it fine?

If someone could also check my narrative piece that was posted on reply #64, I don't think someone has read it, that would be greatly appreciated. 

Topic: Should people be allowed to keep exotic animals such as chimpanzees and tigers?

It is customary for people to adopt pets, but the prospect of keeping exotic animals looms throughout society. Exotic animals can be defined as tigers, chimpanzees, lions and other animals not commonly adopted. Dodgy definition here. I know that it's in the topic but it's not just uncommon animals. More specifically it's animals from foreign countries These animals should certainly not be kept as they are very dangerous animals that can be seen as a severe threat to humans. Keeping these animals also brings about great expenses, which requires great dedication to be able to take care of the animals. Therefore, exotic animals should definitely not be kept by people.

To begin, exotic animals are very dangerous and pose a threat to humans. Animals such as tigers and lions are strictly kept in environments where one cannot be harmed or threatened by the animals existence. Exotic animals are not very human friendly Expression isn't good here and can be dangerous to humans, namely children. If you're going to say that it's dangerous to children then explain why. Hence, exotic animals should not be allowed to be kept by people. I just noticed that the end of every paragraph has the same type of ending sentence which isn't good. You should vary it up by restating your main point for the body paragraphs. So for this it would be Hence exotic animals should not be allowed to be kept by people as they could pose a threat to the health of their owners (I feel like I could have written so much more for this but I didn't know what to add)

In addition, taking care of exotic animals is a very expensive commitment. The danger that these animals pose means that special care needs to be taken to be able to accommodate these animals in a human home. These animals require special housing, diets and maintenance, all of which a human cannot provide. I think this is a really bold statement, which is normally good for persuasives, but I feel like it's stating something obviously false, as there are some exceptions. Something like majority of people would not have the resources to accomodate the needs of these animals/it would be a massive inconvenience to provide properly for these animals would be better in my opinion If one was to adopt an exotic animal, it would require great commitment and dedication to be able to provide the animals with basic requirements. Consequently, people should not be allowed to keep exotic pets. You should probably back it up with your reason why for this paragraph. So say Thus, people should not be allowed to keep exotic pets, as many would not be able to properly provide for them or something like that

One may suggest that the adoption of such pets is purely a personal choice. However, the person's life will still be put at a major risk and the presence of an exotic animal still looms as a threat to people. Therefore, people should not be permitted to keep exotic animals as pets. This is just repeating the first body paragraph and honestly doesn't add anything since both this paragraph and the first one are the same. They both talk about the danger of exotic animals, so you should probably not use this paragraph at all. Instead try to find another argument or rebuttal

In conclusion, people should unequivocally not be authorised to keep exotic pets. These animals are very dangerous and pose a great risk to human lives. Keeping these animals is very expensive and requires great commitment. Even though the adoption of such animals is a personal choice, it still remains a threat to people's lives. Therefore, exotic animals should undoubtedly not be kept by people.

Thanks!

I feel like anything done today won't really help you for the exam tomorrow, since cramming the day before doesn't do that much. Also, I hope you stay on atarnotes after this especially since you'll be in VCE next year and you can help other people trying out for selective schools like you are right now and get help for your VCE subjects on atarnotes. Anyway good luck for the exam. 

[GalacticProcess]

I feel like anything done today won't really help you for the exam tomorrow, since cramming the day before doesn't do that much. Also, I hope you stay on atarnotes after this especially since you'll be in VCE next year and you can help other people trying out for selective schools like you are right now and get help for your VCE subjects on atarnotes. Anyway good luck for the exam. 

Thanks so much zhen!
I will definitely stay active on AtarNotes so that I can give back to the community who has helped me so far. I appreciate your good luck comments so thank you! 

I may write a narrative today so that I keep up with the time frame and what not so if you have time, check back a little later.

[jz27]

GOOD LUCK!!

[GalacticProcess]

GOOD LUCK!!

CHEERS MATE!!!

[zhen]

GalacticProcess how was your exam?

[GalacticProcess]

GalacticProcess how was your exam?

Hey zhen!
Lol I was just about to post how I went. Ok, so I am going to split my comments into separate paragraphs, in the order that they happened. If anyone else did the test today please leave comment describing your experience in this thread. I would love to read your post. 

Verbal reasoning: Pretty easy I think. I finished all questions with 1-2 minutes to spare and there weren't many questions that I genuinely didn't know. Some of the word meanings they ask are kinda out of the blue.

Numerical reasoning: This was a tad harder than the verbal reasoning. I still finished with 1-2 minutes to spare but this time the questions were a bit trickier. Especially the questions about who came first, second third in order of events and what not. Not sure if I make sense.

Persuasive essay: I think I wrote a decent essay. The prompt was "Social media makes people self-absorbed." I wrote about how social media informs people about global issues and the fact that they connect people without physically being with them. So I said that it doesn't make people self-absorbed. My writing wasn't top-notch but I think it was pretty decent. It wasn't the best but I think it's probably above average.

Then we had the break. 

Reading comprehension: Ok this was probably my worst of the day. Some of the passages were literally like a page long and each one had like 6-7 questions to answer. I finished most of it but guessed maybe 5-8 questions. Tbqh, I think that most people found it really difficult and when we were handing the papers in, I noticed that the person sitting next to me had guessed 10-15 of the questions. (maybe more). 

Mathematics: Maths is usually my best subjects but idk why I probs didn't do as well as I would have liked. I managed to do all but 5-7 questions, so I guessed them. The questions weren't at all hard, it's just that there were so many of them. Some of them I had to make an educated guess. Just saying, when I did the test for year 9 entry, I guessed heaps and got a superior. Once again, I don't think people found this one easy and a lot of people guessed heaps of questions.

Creative piece: This was probably one of my best exams that I did today. The prompt was two dialogues. 1. "Why should I trust you" and 2. "Because I am the only one that knows". I basically wrote about a guy visiting his childhood home and getting killed by a guy in there. Obviously a lot more detailed than that. If anyone noticed, the house part is sorta similar to the one I wrote in a practice piece before the actual exam.

[zhen]

Hey zhen!
Lol I was just about to post how I went. Ok, so I am going to split my comments into separate paragraphs, in the order that they happened. If anyone else did the test today please leave comment describing your experience in this thread. I would love to read your post. 

Verbal reasoning: Pretty easy I think. I finished all questions with 1-2 minutes to spare and there weren't many questions that I genuinely didn't know. Some of the word meanings they ask are kinda out of the blue.

Numerical reasoning: This was a tad harder than the verbal reasoning. I still finished with 1-2 minutes to spare but this time the questions were a bit trickier. Especially the questions about who came first, second third in order of events and what not. Not sure if I make sense.

Persuasive essay: I think I wrote a decent essay. The prompt was "Social media makes people self-absorbed." I wrote about how social media informs people about global issues and the fact that they connect people without physically being with them. So I said that it doesn't make people self-absorbed. My writing wasn't top-notch but I think it was pretty decent. It wasn't the best but I think it's probably above average.

Then we had the break. 

Reading comprehension: Ok this was probably my worst of the day. Some of the passages were literally like a page long and each one had like 6-7 questions to answer. I finished most of it but guessed maybe 5-8 questions. Tbqh, I think that most people found it really difficult and when we were handing the papers in, I noticed that the person sitting next to me had guessed 10-15 of the questions. (maybe more). 

Mathematics: Maths is usually my best subjects but idk why I probs didn't do as well as I would have liked. I managed to do all but 5-7 questions, so I guessed them. The questions weren't at all hard, it's just that there were so many of them. Some of them I had to make an educated guess. Just saying, when I did the test for year 9 entry, I guessed heaps and got a superior. Once again, I don't think people found this one easy and a lot of people guessed heaps of questions.

Creative piece: This was probably one of my best exams that I did today. The prompt was two dialogues. 1. "Why should I trust you" and 2. "Because I am the only one that knows". I basically wrote about a guy visiting his childhood home and getting killed by a guy in there. Obviously a lot more detailed than that. If anyone noticed, the house part is sorta similar to the one I wrote in a practice piece before the actual exam.

It sounds like all that practice, especially in the creative since you got to write something similar to what you already wrote about, paid off. Hopefully you get in but even if you don't you've learnt some valuable skills along the way.

[GalacticProcess]

It sounds like all that practice, especially in the creative since you got to write something similar to what you already wrote about, paid off. Hopefully you get in but even if you don't you've learnt some valuable skills along the way.

Yes the practice definitely paid off. Props to you zhen for taking the time to correct all of my essays.  Really helped me progress as a writer.

Thanks to everyone else who has contributed to this thread. 

I truly hope that I make it in but only time will tell I guess. The results are expected to be released mid to end of July. I'll post here once I get them to spread the good news! (hopefully!!!) Hopefully we will all stay in touch through AtarNotes and contribute to the community. 

See you all for now!

[jz27]

I HOPE I DO AS WELL AS YOU!! and where did u stuff up last year?

[GalacticProcess]

I HOPE I DO AS WELL AS YOU!! and where did u stuff up last year?

Thanks Jack!
When I said I did the test for year 9 entry, I meant that I sat the exam when I was in year 8. Tbqh, I didn't really mess up in anything and got good results. What happened was, before the exam in year 8, I emailed edutest to change school preferences as I had only selected Melbourne High as a preference (they told us we could change preferences). Unfortunately, they didn't reply to the emails. When I compared my results with a friend who was accepted into Suzanne Cory, we noticed they were exactly the same! So I am not sure, but I regret not having chosen SCHS as a preference. Due to certain circumstances, I did not sit the exam for year 10 entry last year (when I was in year 9). Hopefully make it this year though!

See ya!

[jz27]

IK lol thats what i mean!! im in y8