General Discussion > Accountability and Motivation
Writing out the nonsense in my head.
heids:
With the weather warming up, I've started absolutely dripping with sweat during practice. I've always been a great exerciser in winter and a couch potato in summer, because I dislike the heat so much. That's going to change this year, but it'll be a struggle to figure out how to enjoy yoga with weather in the 30s.
(On the plus side, was able to get my arms through my lotus knee cracks and do garbha pindasana properly for the first time because the coating of sweat let them slide right through 😂😅😧)
One of the niyamas (observances/principles) in yoga is tapas - the fire of self-discipline. It celebrates the heat, both literally and figuratively, physically and spiritually, as a way to purify oneself through discomfort. I'm really not keen on grappling with this... do not like pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
I have so many doubts about myself, tbh. I feel like I'm not disciplined enough and like I don't have enough distress tolerance to make myself continue through unpleasantness, and am therefore not "good enough" for yoga. I see myself as kind and loving, but not very strong or self-controlled or good at dealing with hardship.
Gotta remind myself that yoga is about starting wherever you are and working for that, not expecting perfection. Its goal is to strengthen you, rather than expecting you to be strong from the get go. It's okay. I'm okay.
heids:
Just had a hard (and late!) session. No reason, I was just anxious and my mind chattering.
("You need to be looking at the right thing and being aligned properly and relaxing into the pose while still remaining firm and maintaining your bandhas (i.e. engaging pelvic floor and lower abdomen) and breathing freely and smoothly and through your chest rather than shallowly through your nostrils and feeling peace and concentration in the pose and you're not achieving all or any of this so you're no good at yoga and you're not doing it properly and you're forming bad habits and will never be half decent at yoga and without a teacher you're sure to fuck up badly and look now you're resting you lazy piece of shit and you deserve to be sliced into several hundred pieces and fed to the dogs and...")
Despite accepting these as just ego-based thoughts and feelings, and keeping breathing, and reminding myself that I've only been practicing ashtanga for three months which makes me an absolute newbie, and that objectively I'm a decent human being, my brain was still running wild.
That's life. Tomorrow is another day, and I got on the mat (carpet lol) and practiced despite all, which is an absolute success.
It's okay to fuck up, okay to not be perfect, and okay to struggle with this imperfection. You hear that, Heidi?! hahahaha
heids:
I've been really noticing the effects of perspective, and how much it's not about the content of your life, but the context, or the way you see it.
I've always known this, but yoga has just made it more real, and something I actually WANT to do.
For instance:
You're driving, and the way you choose to go happens to be full of traffic, plus a couple of loons cut in front of you. Fuck them, fuck everything!
Buttttt hang on. You just took an extra... three minutes driving, maybe? Three minutes. It's not seventeen years. And it's not like you lost three minutes of your life - you had those three minutes in the car to spend as you wish. You can spend them meditatively - patiently - kindly - breathing steadily. In doing so, those three minutes become really valuable; you're practicing yoga in those minutes, and growing as a person, and finding peace in difficulty.
I've been applying this to all sorts of things. I have to stand up in the train or walk further? Good exercise. I have to wait longer for something? I can stretch my body and breathe for a bit. I have to deal with annoying people? Character development.
It's self-evident and maybe eye-roll material, and I'm in no way condemning being annoyed when things go wrong (I still am all the time hahaha ::)).
But... it makes you happier and kinder. I'm glad I'm working (very slowly lol) towards being more conscious of perspective.
heids:
These thoughts of Gregor Maehle replace mine today. :D Well worth a read; a reminder of how dependent we are on external supports, rather than internal strength.
"By living a simple life without extremes and without constantly yielding to my desires, my mind is concentrated and focused. On the other hand, if I follow the call of this world to 'spoil yourself', 'treat yourself', 'pamper yourself', I communicate to my mind that I am not in charge of my life. Rather, I cement the belief that a constant stream of external stimulation and sensory satisfaction has to occur for me to keep my mental equilibrium - which means I am not in charge of my life but am a slave to my needs and desires.
"To wake up to the truth that I need nothing at all to be internally happy, that in fact constantly following external stimuli separates me from myself, is tapas. Austerity* will make us strong, whereas gluttony and decadence weaken. The more we believe we need certain things, the more we will be dependent on them. The simpler we can be, the freer we will be."
*yoga doesn't support extreme austerity or asceticism; balance, the middle path, is yoga
heids:
It's been a while since I posted! I've been away without internet, and thus spending all my time reading and thinking and practicing yoga, so... let's just say everyone who knows me is sick of the word yoga hahaha.
Today imma share something I learnt about myself over the last week.
Beyond all the layers of self-hate, self-doubt and shame at the surface, right at the very core, I actually trust myself. Not trust that I always act from good motives (I don't) or don't make mistakes (I do), but a base level of belief that I am genuine, and genuinely love and care for others and want their best.
I think that's why I remain idealistic. I trust that some others are good to the core, because I trust that I myself am.
I definitely doubt this often, and wonder if my faith in myself is just me deluding myself and I'm actually a shitty blind egotistical wart, but I'm pretty sure that foundation of trust is there and has always been there.
I want to work to maintain this core belief in my own integrity, by acting as much as possible from alignment and integrity. Every time I lie, deceive, flatter, or behave against my values, it feels like I'm pulling out a small stone from that solid foundation of genuine self-trust, and I need that foundation.
<3
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