General Discussion > Accountability and Motivation
Writing out the nonsense in my head.
Bri MT:
--- Quote from: heids on February 09, 2018, 04:34:41 pm ---I haven't posted in a while. My head has been too busy and messy: the thoughts run away with themselves, incoherent, like a crowd of people pushing and shoving in a riot without quite knowing what's going on. I'm changing the title to make it more general so I can feel I can write whatever I want. I'm pretty confused about everything, to be quite honest. I'm quite okay, just my head is overflowing!
I'm repeating my last post to myself so often.
Deep breaths. I need to take myself less seriously.
--- End quote ---
In the overwhelming-ness of anxiety striking remember that you know what it is like to have picked yourself up before and escaped to the other side. You have proven that you are more than capable of getting to a healthier state - despite whatever your thoughts might try and tell you. Have you been able to keep up your yoga practice recently? Maybe try some simple poses and beginners mindset if you're up to it.
Something that has helped me is consciously rephrasing my modal verbs to remove necessity or obligation. Eg. If I think "I need to get better at letting go" I'll then think "I should get better at letting things go. I want to get better at letting things go."
We're here for you - if there's any support the AN fam can give you let us know
heids:
Thanks, miniturtle <3
Been having a rough few weeks I guess. I simply feel absolutely stuck in this war with the universe and myself. Everything I do or think or feel triggers a flood of tangled thoughts that loop back on themselves in increasingly metacognitive spirals.
For some reason, I've temporarily lost "the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" and am fighting madly with reality. Humans are alive and we have to stay that way? BUT I DON'T LIKE THAT. Impermanence is inevitable? BUT I HATE THAT. Humans are the way they are and won't become better or smarter or kinder? BUT I DON'T WANT IT TO BE LIKE THAT. Things are unknowable? WELL FUCK THAT I NEED TO KNOW THEM. And so on.
I know the universe will win and I'll give in and accept it all optimistically again, because you can't do anything else. There isn't a way out of reality.
At this point I don't really know what to do - can only think endlessly of harming myself in more and more creative or severe ways. Have already spent a night in emergency as a result, and can't afford to repeat it for the sake of family and friends.
And it will all get better. It'll magically untangle just enough for me to do the work to put myself in a better place. It always happens that way. Humans don't break, no matter the pressure.
peterpiper:
I don't know how helpful this will be to you, but it's the least I can do: Wishing you my all for a speedy recovery heids whether that be a week from now or even a decade <3 Good things, good change don't all happen overnight.
heids:
I really want to update this thread occasionally, even though it's been long dead and forgotten and I've been long dead and forgotten on AN. But I continue to think, endlessly, and I continue to want a place to write it out.
I might give it a shot. We'll see. Sorry for the pointless post ::) - I'm giving myself a foothold to post if I want to, y'know?
<3
Bri MT:
--- Quote from: heids on April 14, 2019, 08:13:09 pm ---I really want to update this thread occasionally, even though it's been long dead and forgotten and I've been long dead and forgotten on AN. But I continue to think, endlessly, and I continue to want a place to write it out.
I might give it a shot. We'll see. Sorry for the pointless post ::) - I'm giving myself a foothold to post if I want to, y'know?
<3
--- End quote ---
We're still here & we still care <3
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