Okay, so I'm considering actually memorizing my set essay pieces for the english exam becuase i cant deal with creating something new on the spot, so thoughts?
so below is my proposed intro, can I grab some feedback? thanks (it is based upon the concept of revenge)
The pursuit of revenge is imbued to reflect the fruitless nature of retribution in the David Malouf’s novella Ransom and director Clint Eastwood’s Invictus. Both authors explore vastly different societies set in different times who are caught in the struggle and the grip of almost certain calamity; Homer’s Illiad landscape of Troy which is under siege, and a post-apartheid South Africa which is led by an ambitious black leader intent on uniting the nation, in both instances they are navigating to an uncertain future, with an overarching concept that suggests that the pursuit of revenge universally results in a resonating and futile experience of life. In both texts, notions of reprisal and vengeance are demonstrated to blemish ones capability to lead commendably. The sequence of anger and retaliation is imitated to be so consuming that its tolerance even obstructs a connection on a solely human level. Forgiveness and mercy, meanwhile, are contrastingly portrayed as the apt paths to liberty. It is ultimately suggested that revenge only begets catastrophe, whilst forgiveness is essential.
The pursuit of revenge is imbued
(this sounds a little clunky - make sure you use 'imbued', a very powerful word in the correct context) to reflect the fruitless nature of retribution in the David Malouf’s novella Ransom and director Clint Eastwood’s Invictus.
(this opening sentence is good but is packing a lot in, I would simplify it a bit and introduce some of the other concepts in the second sentence) Both authors explore vastly different societies set in different times
('set in different times' sounds a little redundant) who are caught in the struggle and the grip of almost
('almost' - be bold with your interpretation) certain calamity; Homer’s Illiad landscape of Troy
(whilst I love the use of 'landscape' I feel like this part is a bit too wordy, maybe mention how Ransom is a 'reimagining of Homer's Illiad' in another sentence) which is under siege, and a post-apartheid South Africa which is led by an ambitious black leader intent on uniting the nation
(good - very succinct), in both instances they are navigating to an uncertain future, with an overarching concept that suggests that the pursuit of revenge universally results in a resonating and futile experience of life.
(the second part of this sentence needs to be put into a new sentence because the sentence as a whole is very long!) In both texts, notions of reprisal and vengeance are demonstrated to blemish
(I am not sure about this word choice, it made my have to read the sentence multiple times to fully grasp the point you were making) ones capability to lead commendably. The sequence of anger and retaliation is imitated to be so consuming that its tolerance even obstructs a connection on a solely human level.
(I love the first part of this sentence but again, the second half confuses me - I think it is the word 'tolerance') Forgiveness and mercy, meanwhile, are contrastingly portrayed as the apt paths to liberty.
(nice analysis) It is ultimately suggested
(try 'Ultimately, both texts suggest...') that revenge only begets catastrophe, whilst forgiveness is essential.
(essential to what...create unity, change, progression?)Overall, a good introduction. You have a strong vocabulary but you have to be careful to not be too wordy at times (don't worry - I do it myself). Try and post the full essay if you can because I would love to mark it. I am writing on Ransom and Invictus too!
Home
Help
Search
Login
