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Creative: Discovery ?

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rasha25:
Hi, can someone please read my creative writing. This is the one I had to write in year 11 for paper 1, our topic at the time was Truth. I was told that the story can be altered to suit Discovery. Any feedback to alter it, opinions and general editing are welcomed and appreciated. Have a lovely day :)

theyam:

--- Quote from: rasha25 on December 21, 2017, 03:43:01 pm ---Hi, can someone please read my creative writing. This is the one I had to write in year 11 for paper 1, our topic at the time was Truth. I was told that the story can be altered to suit Discovery. Any feedback to alter it, opinions and general editing are welcomed and appreciated. Have a lovely day :)

--- End quote ---

Hi

My advice is not really that reliable (but its not like I give much anyways), I mean you saw how terribly I wrote when you marked my pieced XD. But I do want to let you know that your writing is AMAZING, in my opinion that is.
Wow. That's literally the first word that came to my head when I finished reading. I had actually watched that video, so I saw everything happening in my head. It honestly felt so real and it was like I was watching that video again but in word form. Literally the only nitpick I have, was that I had to re-read your first sentence a couple of times. That's literally it. In terms of adapting it to the AOS, when I read it, it felt like a discovery creative already. The persona discovers and the responder discovers as well, and so like it's pretty much like the rubric where audiences are positioned to re-assess or view their world and the people within with a new lens. It's definitely provocative and intensely meaningful in my opinion. The discovery itself in my opinion was demonstrated as a process in your piece, but I guess maybe you could thread in on whether it was motivated by need, wonder or curiosity? That's honestly all I have to say, and I'm not a teacher/tutor and you saw (or read XD), I'm neither a creative writer. So its just an opinion coming from a fellow year 12 student.

Good luck~~
From theyam :)

rasha25:

--- Quote from: theyam on December 21, 2017, 10:03:43 pm ---Hi

My advice is not really that reliable (but its not like I give much anyways), I mean you saw how terribly I wrote when you marked my pieced XD. But I do want to let you know that your writing is AMAZING, in my opinion that is.
Wow. That's literally the first word that came to my head when I finished reading. I had actually watched that video, so I saw everything happening in my head. It honestly felt so real and it was like I was watching that video again but in word form. Literally the only nitpick I have, was that I had to re-read your first sentence a couple of times. That's literally it. In terms of adapting it to the AOS, when I read it, it felt like a discovery creative already. The persona discovers and the responder discovers as well, and so like it's pretty much like the rubric where audiences are positioned to re-assess or view their world and the people within with a new lens. It's definitely provocative and intensely meaningful in my opinion. The discovery itself in my opinion was demonstrated as a process in your piece, but I guess maybe you could thread in on whether it was motivated by need, wonder or curiosity? That's honestly all I have to say, and I'm not a teacher/tutor and you saw (or read XD), I'm neither a creative writer. So its just an opinion coming from a fellow year 12 student.

Good luck~~
From theyam :)

--- End quote ---


Hello, no your writing was/is NOT terrible, it was a really good idea all it needs is a few edits for description and clarity.

Thank you so much, I didn't think my creative was good tbh, and yeh that video inspired it and it really linked with the idea I wanted to go with and the topic of truth for my year 11 yearlies. I feel so assured now because I was afraid it didn't link with discovery and yeh I was thinking of adding more to the story, primarily showing the need for the violinist to discover as he wants to escape the cyclical and materialistic environment around him that allows him to rediscover his passion for playing the violin/preforming. This, at which, becomes transformative to the persona as it revitalises his soul and reminds him why of what first prompted him to preform and learn the violin.

Once again thank you for your feedback, if you need anything feel free to let me know :)

theyam:
Hi rasha25
What mark did your teacher even give you for that story for you to think it was bad?? Also, that is a really sophisticated idea that's actually conceptually similar to my AOS poetry (Robert Gray). In a couple of his poems, he too in my opinion demonstrates the need to escape this materialistic environment, but rather discover music he discovers the sublimity of nature. So I just thought your story was really cool in how it linked to my AOS study ^-^ What's your AOS text? Now that I think about it, I should look back at my prelim Extension story, would you mind taking a look on that as well?

From theyam

rasha25:

--- Quote from: theyam on December 24, 2017, 08:17:34 am ---Hi rasha25
What mark did your teacher even give you for that story for you to think it was bad?? Also, that is a really sophisticated idea that's actually conceptually similar to my AOS poetry (Robert Gray). In a couple of his poems, he too in my opinion demonstrates the need to escape this materialistic environment, but rather discover music he discovers the sublimity of nature. So I just thought your story was really cool in how it linked to my AOS study ^-^ What's your AOS text? Now that I think about it, I should look back at my prelim Extension story, would you mind taking a look on that as well?

From theyam

--- End quote ---

Hi theyam,
For this creative I got 10/15 which disappointed me since I put effort into it more than the essay and ended up doing better in the essay with a 14/15. I guess they were marking harsh since a 10/15 for creative was the highest. Your AOS text sounds interesting, for ours we have to do Bill Bryson's Short History of Nearly Everything which seems to be boring to me as its all about science and the universe. We haven't looked at the text though, we've done module B first at my school, looking at the poet T.S Eliot. Of course, I'd love to be of help and look at your extension creative :) 

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