VCE Stuff > AN’s Language Analysis Club

2018 AA Club - Week 1

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Anonymous:

--- Quote from: clarke54321 on January 02, 2018, 04:11:40 pm ---Well done on the analysis  :D You have a very clear grip on argument and contention, which is fantastic. Most of the time your structure is also very strong, moving seamlessly between the "what", "how" and "why." To take the analysis to the next level, try and work on punchy sentences. Not only will this draw emphasis to your analysis, but it should also clear up the occasional clunky expressions in your piece. Keep up the great work!

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Thank you so much. Just a quick question, when you say to "flip the sentence around", are you suggesting to swap the order of the clauses? Cheers

clarke54321:

--- Quote from: Anonymous on January 02, 2018, 04:45:42 pm ---Thank you so much. Just a quick question, when you say to "flip the sentence around", are you suggesting to swap the order of the clauses? Cheers

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No worries at all  :)

Yes, the switching of clauses should increase coherency (obviously not word for word, but in a more general sense). If you find that this doesn't work, perhaps try and alter your sentence to the passive/active voice.

gainster :
The recent divulgence of Apple’s latest scheme to demolish and replace Federation Square buildings has sparked significant indignation amongst Melbourne’s metropolitan citizens. Addressing this issue in a letter to the editor, April Baragwanath contends that the removal of such imperative architectural heritage would be a travesty if replaced by Apple’s commercial edifice. Employing a passionate and frustrated tone Baragwanath appeals to the general public and the city council that destruction of the epicentre that is Federation square would be devastating to not only its residents but for future generations.
 
The author ridicules the thought of replacing Federation Square buildings with an Apple store. Baragwanath wastes no time clearly revealing her stance on the issue by constructing a negative image of Apple’s proposal through attacks and criticism proposing that such architecture would resemble “a tacky gold spaceship” in design. Such suggestions attempt to incite a strong sense of repulsion from residents of Victoria’s capital, encouraging the reader to find such “commercial aspirations” distasteful and hence provoking the reader to agree that to build such a structure would be to make a mockery of the city of Melbourne. Accentuating this notion, Baragwanath attempts to engender the audience that the Apple store that would be nothing more than an “incongruent Commercial edifice” in comparison with the current Federation Square building. Through her tonal shift between addressing the current structure exultantly and discussing the envisioned Apple store with condemnation. Coupled with the words and phrases such as “insult[ing]” and “urban vandalism” to describing the proposed structure, Baragwanath provides an image of an abhorrent design and carries connotations of shame and disdain, prompting the likely target audience of citizens of Victoria to view this proposition as a step in the wrong direction for their city. Through her attacks and negative depictions of the Apple store proposed to replace federation square, Baragwanath successfully encourages Victorians to reflect on the negative consequences of losing such a highly esteemed architectural landmark from Melbourne’s city.

clarke54321:

--- Quote from: gainster  on January 03, 2018, 09:27:50 pm ---The recent divulgenceto divulge means to disclose secretive or sensitive details. I'd just switch it to "the recent disclosure..." of Apple’s latest scheme to demolish and replace Federation Square buildings has sparked significant indignation amongst Melbourne’s metropolitan citizens. Addressing this issue in a letter to the editor, April Baragwanath contends that the removal of such imperative architectural heritage would be a travesty if replaced by Apple’s commercial edificethis is a direct quote from the piece. To demonstrate a stronger understanding of the article, I'd try and put this in your own words. . Employingthis is a very minor critique, but try and avoid consecutive passive sentences. Sentence variation is refreshing for the reader  :) a passionate and frustrated tone Baragwanath appealsthis verb doesn't sit write in the sentence. Perhaps warns the general public or expresses her concern that.... to the general public and the city council that destruction of the epicentre that is Federation square would be devastating to not only its residents but for future generationswhy is it devastating? Use the introduction as an opportunity to get to the crux of the issue..
 
The authortry and stick to Baragwanath. It just makes for easy reading ridicules the thoughtthis is fairly vague. Use topic sentences to pinpoint the specifies of argument. Oftentimes, the best topic sentences in AA are those that combine argument with the overarching technique. Eg. "With the intent of deriding the construction of Apple's proposed building, Baragwanath opens her piece by comparing the structure to "a tacky gold spaceship." This type of sentence makes it easier to launch into smooth analysis  :)  of replacing Federation Square buildings with an Apple store. Baragwanath wastes no timea bit too colloquial clearly revealing her stance on the issue by constructing a negative image of Apple’s proposal through attacks and criticism proposing that such architecture would resemble “a tacky gold spaceship” in design. Such suggestions attempt to incite a strong sense of repulsion great, but why? Spend more time analysing this phrase and its particular implications. from residents of Victoria’s capital, encouraging the reader to find such “commercial aspirations” distasteful and hence provoking the reader to agree that to build such a structure would be to make a mockery of the city of Melbourne this is a fantastic "why" conclusion, that would be made even stronger with further emphasis on the "how" . Accentuating this notion, Baragwanath attempts to engender the audience one can't really "engender" something/someone else. Engender means to cause or give effect to. Eg. "X seeks to engender a sense of exigency in readers.. that the Apple store that would be nothing more than an “incongruent Commercial edifice” in comparison with the current Federation Square building. Through her tonal shift between addressing the current structure exultantlyfantastic pick-up on tonal shift  :D Can you provide some tighter evidence, though? She uses a fair bit of lofty, romantic imagery to describe the current Fed square. and discussing the envisioned Apple store with condemnationagain, this would be even stronger if you could back it up with some analysis.. Coupled with the words and phrases such as “insult[ing]” and “urban vandalism,” which describe to describing the proposed structure, Baragwanath provides an image of an abhorrent design and carries connotations good, but can you clarify the stem of these connotations? Which words specifically? Vandalism?of shame and disdain, prompting the likely target audience of citizens of Victoria to view this proposition as a step in the wrong direction for their citya little bit too colloquial. Try and be more specific. Is it degrading Victoria's untouched refinement? Perpetuation of social decorum?. Through her attacks and negative depictions of the Apple store proposed to replace federation square, Baragwanath successfully try and refrain from phrases like this if you can. For examiners, it would come across as a subjective critique.encourages Victorians to reflect on the negative consequencesagain, try and be more specific of losing such a highly esteemed architectural landmark from Melbourne’s city.


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Well done on the analysis, gainster :D You have fantastic close reading skills, picking up on subtleties in tone, implicit comparisons and specific reader effects. This skill adds a unique flair to your writing. To take this even further, I'd encourage you to spend more time fleshing out the actual evidence in the piece. Every time you quote something, really take the time to consider whether it is clarifying your ultimate conclusion (reader effect). Think, what is it about this word or phrase that leads to a certain feeling/thought/reaction? I'm looking forward to watching your progress!

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