HSC Stuff > HSC Marking and Feedback

English advanced AOS: discovery essay

(1/1)

Victorious:
Hello,
I was wondering if anybody would be able to give feedback on my first draft essay. There is not introduction or conclusion just 2 paragraphs, the 'introduction' sentence is only to remind me of where i was trying to go with my essay.

Any feedback is very much appreciated,
Thank you,
Victoria

Opengangs:
Hi, Victorious.

Sure thing! The paragraphs with comments are inside the spoiler tag.

MarkedThe discoveries Guevara makes on his journey through Latin America awaken his conscience to the concealed aspects of his continent and transform him into a blood-thirsty revolutionary. (Your opening line shouldn't focus on Guevara himself, but rather a thought-provoking element of discovery. It's a conceptual module, not a textual module.) Che’s memoir is an insight into his transformation because this journey was his first glimpse into the realities of the outside world where he was not sheltered by his middle-class context. (I love this contextualisation; it works well for those who have not read the text) His discoveries occur, as a result of him being removed from his original context, are being confronted with different perspectives and contrasting human experiences. Guevara first encounters injustice in Chile where he meets a very sick asthmatic woman with a heart condition. Che describes her as a total ruin and writes about the animosity her family have toward her. (A little bit more on the retell side. Tread careful!) Having a glimpse of this situation Che makes both an intellectual and emotional discovery “it is at times like this, when a doctor is conscious of his complete powerlessness, that he longs for a change: a change to prevent the injustice of a system” (Personally, I'd shorten this a bit but it's fine as it is). This is an intensely meaningful discovery because it awakens his social/political conscience and gives him a desire to foment change as illustrated by his repetition of ‘change’. The discovery is very confronting for Guevara because it attacks his own personal context as he cannot help her, despite his education and abilities. This allows him to see the contrast between his middle-class upbringing in which his asthma was treated and this impoverished woman, who, belonging to the proletariat, had never received any treatment. Driven with empathy by this discovery, Che gives his own medication which illustrates his willingness to suffer for the sake of others and the cause he believes in. (A bit more analysis would develop the complexities of your idea. At the moment, you're sacrificing textual analysis for textual evidence. The discovery element isn't particularly as strong as it should be) This action is repeated later when he prophesises himself to be sacrificed for the revolution. (I know Motorcycle Diaries is hard because I was prescribed it as well, but you'll need to be able to have a conceptual basis within your essay and focus on that, rather than the character himself) Che reflects on the encounter with this woman and reflects that “it is there, in the final moments for people whose farthest horizon has always been tomorrow, that one comprehends the profound tragedy circumscribing the life of the proletariat the world over.” The discovery of the vast range of human experiences and the tragedy’s that the proletariat experience evokes an emotional response in Che so that his conscience awakens and he is driven to action. The use of the superlative ‘furthest’ emphasises how confronted Che feels from his discoveries.(Overall, it's not a bad attempt but you'll need to develop your conceptual thoughts on discovery and not the text itself. You've contextualised some of the quotes, which is a good thing, but don't place a huge emphasis on it. The Area of Study module is driven by discovery as a thought, not by the text that encompasses different notions of discovery)

The discoveries Che makes on his journey have a significant impact on him, providing him with a new perspective on his continent and transforming his into a major component of the great revolution. (Again, concept first) Discoveries are presented to have a transformative nature. (Place this sentence before introducing the character. This sentence is conceptual; it focuses on the outcomes and significance of discovery) Che’s response to the injustice he discovers in Chile is to become disenfranchised with the dominant political hegemony. “Those who govern [should] spend less time publicizing their own virtues and more money, much more money funding socially useful works”. His response to his discovery of injustice is to find a way to change their experiences as part of the proletariat. Che develops Marxist ideals that he understands simply as ‘bread for the poor’ (Lovely integration; I need to see more of this to really hit the 14 and 15) and a way to improve their lives as he takes on their plight. Che becomes disenfranchised with the political scene because he is exposed to its corruption, evident in his embittered tone and the pompous way in which he describes those in power. (Again, a little too textual) It is apparent that Che believes those with power can foment change, it is in this that Che becomes a zealous revolutionary as he believers that power gives the opportunity for change. Throughout the duration of Che’s journey, he encounters leprosy in numerous occasions. His time spent with the lepers and the discoveries of their living conditions, their medical treatment and the treatment of them by society are emotional discoveries. (^) Guevara’s education means that he understands their illness and as a result is not afraid to treat them like normal people and as such the lepers are enormously grateful to Che, this has an obvious impact on him and his conscience. “If there’s anything that will make us seriously dedicate ourselves to leprosy, it will be the affection shown to us by all the sick we’ve met along the way.” The origins of a budding revolutionary are apparent, if ‘leprosy’ is extended to mean all of human misery in which the lepors are the epitome a result of the corrupt and uneducated nature of the continent. Che’s capacity for empathy and desire to improve people’s circumstances drives him to become a passionate revolutionist with Marxist ideals. His discovery of the poverty and misery of the proletariat and the lepers is confronting to Che but his discovery of the affection they offer him is intensely meaningful because it was an unexpected discovery. The ramifications of his discoveries are that he is transformed into a revolutionary, most potently observed by the polemic he delivers in the last vignette about the triumphing proletariat and the desecration of all those who stand in their way.

Mark: 10/15
General feedback
You have really interesting ideas, but not enough analytical substance to drive these ideas forward. Your main focus is around the text itself and the journey Guevara makes around South America, rather than the discoveries themselves. Shift your focus back on the composer (Che Guevara) and the audience rather than the journey he makes. In what ways do we respond to the physical discoveries being made? How does his own perspective enlighten us to the ideas and thoughts he make? Are they connected to how we think? If not, then how does he explore the concept of discovery?

This brings me to my next point. You're fine with contextualising quotes, but at the same time, you seem to have a lot of retelling going on which doesn't drive your argument anywhere. I've marked them as (retell), so look over them and see if you can create a more conceptual link for it. Think about discovery as a process; it is often through the transformation of the character that we begin to see discovery unfold. How does Guevara transform, both physically and metaphysically? And then, how does Guevara show this through literary devices?

Overall, it's definitely not a bad attempt but just think about the discovery element at a more thematic level. It should serve as the operating driver to Guevara forming new insights as he traverses through South America. Furthermore, think of the catalysts that also encapsulates discovery: curiosity, wonder, and speculation. How do they inform us of Guevara's new insights?
 
What to do next
Go back to your text, and approach Guevara's words through the eyes of Guevara himself. Notice how he transforms; it's subtle yet poignant.
Then, redraft your paragraphs with more emphasis on discovery rather than the journeys he makes. Once you can overcome retelling, you'll be able to notice an improved flair of writing.

Good luck with the HSC! When you chip away each month, you'll notice you can go from a 10 to a 15 in 5 months. You only need to gain one more mark each month to go from a 10 to a 15.

Victorious:
Thank you so much ! I shall go back and revise my essay, really usefull feedback

Navigation

[0] Message Index