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Legal Studies: Assessment Feedback

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brianna.skye:
Hey!

Just wondering if you guys could give me some tips on my legal essay, be harsh or whatever I really want to get better
Thanks!

NowYouTseMe:
Ok, so I've added my criticism below in the spoiler tabs. It's not necessarily a bad essay, but it could use a lot of improvement, as well as more substance.

Introduction
SpoilerI personally prefer to make my argument intent/clear judgement at the end of the introduction and actually start with a clear thesis on why the subject matter (sentencing and punishment) requires the law to change/be a certain way (in this question, it's balancing the rights of victims, offenders and society). It also makes the introduction a lot more substantial, rather than ending in 2 sentences with contemporary issues. How I would write this intro would be The tension between victims, offenders and society exacerbates a need for the legal system to strike a balance of rights in the process of sentencing and punishment. The extent to which the law does so is explored through the contemporary issues of mandatory sentencing, suspended sentences, and the sexual offenders registry. Despite some success, these measures are only partially effective in balancing the rights of victims, offenders and society regarding sentencing and punishment.
Body Paragraph 1: Sexual Offenders Registry
SpoilerYour topic sentence involves the purposes of punishment through retribution, which is really good, however, it's not too clear what the paragraph is about from the topic sentence. It'd probably be a good idea to make this sentence more concise, associate victims with protection and society with retribution and perhaps mention registration of sexual offenders. You might want a case example or statistic of sexual registration working effectively in order to balance out the paragraph. I really like the counter-argument line though. Shorten the description of the Dennis Ferguson case though, it's way too long. Also, you need to relate the case back to the (counter)argument after introducing it, otherwise the flow of the paragraph is a bit disjointed.
Body Paragraph 2: Mandatory Sentencing
SpoilerThe topic sentence to this paragraph is way too vague.
You need to specify why the tension between victims, offenders and society is specifically important to mandatory sentencing,
 as well as the sentencing process generally. Your previous topic sentence did this pretty well. Your introduction of R v Jacobs is way too long as well though. I would introduce it by saying The case of R v Jacobs, in which a police officer was murdered whilst in pursuit of a disqualified driver, influenced the passing of the Crimes Amendment (Murder of Police Officers) Act 2011. This legislation provides for... . In making the counter-argument, imo it should be longer to balance out the initial argument. Perhaps only use the first half of the quote and explain why it demonstrates the ineffectiveness of mandatory sentencing.
Body Paragraph 3: Suspended Sentencing
SpoilerAgain with the topic sentence lacking complexity here;
 what about suspended sentencing makes it a viable measure to use when considering balancing the rights of victims, society and the offender? Put R v Bui before the counterargument otherwise the flow of the paragraph isn't as strong. When quoting "serious failure", quote the person or news article, otherwise the statement has no weight behind it. Perhaps also have a statistic for recidivism rates after suspended sentencing after the counterargument to demonstrate its ineffectiveness. Also, maintain your 'partial effectiveness' stance, rather than saying substantially effective.
Conclusion
Spoilerimo for conclusions, you want to end with a strong judgement of effectiveness to leave a lasting impact on the reader. This does not do this. With conclusions, I structure them with first a reiteration of the thesis, then a summarisation of arguments, then a concluding judgement of the extent to which the essay subject is effective.
note: just another y12 legal studies student so take this with a grain of salt   ;D

LochNess Monster:
I got some salt ready.  Enough grains to last me the entire year.

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