VCE Stuff > AN’s Language Analysis Club

2018 AA Club - Week 4

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MissSmiley:

--- Quote from: clarke54321 on January 23, 2018, 08:30:21 pm ---Well done on the analysis, MissSmiley  ;D Again, your notional structure and original insight are wonderful facets to your writing. To capitalise on this to a greater extent, however, you must cut down on sentence length. In some sentences, I am seeing the what-how-why all combined together! As a reader, it is sometimes difficult to comprehend your analysis and justifications. Perhaps you should make it your task to write one well-rounded paragraph, which really hones in on effective explanation. In this way, you won't become overwhelmed by everything happening in the article, but will be able to work on your skills. Keep up your fantastic work!

--- End quote ---
Thanks so much clarke54321! Thanks for your help! :)
Next time I'll write one paragraph that'll incorporate the big ideas, instead of worrying about the intro and conclusion just yet! :)
Thanks a lot!  :D

MissSmiley:

--- Quote from: sophomania on January 23, 2018, 08:48:51 pm ---Notes:
- I think you can still talk add in more in audience reaction. You focus a lot on authorial intent, but still try to consider how the author might want the audience to react.
- you still have long sentences - try becoming a bit more succinct in your writing

--- End quote ---

Thanks a lot, sophomania !! :)
Thanks a lot for your willingness to mark my writing! :)
I'll work on the long sentences and include some more audience reactions! :)

Anonymous:
So I wrote an Introduction and one body paragraph for this topic and I would love to get some feedback on it.




In response to an opinion piece by Rufus Norris which argues that creative arts education is being unfairly reserved for private schools,Karen Eslea, head of learning and visitor experience wrote a letter to the editor from Turner contemporary school. In a tone that can be described as urgent yet hopeful,eslea contends that  teaching arts should be encouraged so that creativity helps society become a happier place.



Elsea condemns the country's disregard for creativity and the arts. "That a country should disregard the views of more than 18% of its population..." she calls the current situation "staggering" as there is a greater potential for  creativity and divergent thinking in students.Elsea uses a second statistics,when 98% of pre-school children are ranked genus..", to show the levels of creativity that children have. She describes it as "decreasing". She uses a rhetorical question,"why not use it now?, to portray hope and to show that it is not too late.she then follows this up with words such as "happier","healthier" and "fairer", to display the potential that society has if children and adults learn from each other.Also she states that "investment in these highly creative members of society can pay today if we let them, Why wait for the future" to show the benefits that can occur by engaging and fostering the arts.

MissSmiley:

--- Quote from: Anonymous on January 26, 2018, 02:35:54 pm ---So I wrote an Introduction and one body paragraph for this topic and I would love to get some feedback on it.

In response to an opinion piece by Rufus Norris which argues that creative arts education is being unfairly reserved for private schools could this be just a fact and not an argument? I feel like you could say that he's arguing for creative arts education to be started in all schools and not just private schools. But that's just me! Karen Eslea, head of learning and visitor experience wrote a letter to the editor from Turner contemporary school. It's good that you've brought in what Rufus Norris was arguing and then what Eslea wrote, so you could even make a point of similarity by saying something like "On the same grounds, Eslea, head of....wrote a letter to the editor. In an tone that can be described as urgent yet hopeful tone Eslea contends that teaching arts should be encouraged in all schoolsso that creativity helps society tobecome a happier place. Yeah, good introduction! I can definitely see the argument and tone coming through! :)

To commence,Elsea condemns the country's disregard for creativity and the arts. "That a country should disregard the views of more than 18% of its population..." she calls the current situation "staggering" as there is a greater potential for  creativity and divergent thinking in students. Elsea uses a second statistics,when 98% of pre-school children are ranked genus..", to show the levels of creativity that children have. She describes it as "decreasing". She uses a rhetorical question,"why not use it now?, to portray hope and to show that it is not too late ...(to do what? to introduce education of arts in schools) She then follows this up with words such as "happier","healthier" and "fairer", to display the potential that society has if children and adults learn from each other. yes, but could you link it to 'how' arts education can create this better world? To answer a part of this question, you could pull out the connotations of happier, healthier and fairer and say how it'll be a really just environment to live in compared to the injustice that we're living in (that's what Eslea's trying to imply, not me!!) ;D Now that I read your next sentence, you could continue saying ...learn from each other "if education in arts is encouraged and forstered," just so that the same thing won't be repeated later.Also she states that "investment in these highly creative members of society can pay today if we let them, Why wait for the future" to show the benefits that can occur by engaging and fostering the arts.

--- End quote ---

Good job! You've definitely understood the central argument, but at some places it just gets a bit too repetitive.
I think your biggest focus would be to try and follow the  "what (the evidence), "how" (its connotations and what emotions that technique instils in readers - this is what clarke54321 emphasises so much!!! I feel hilarious quoting clarke54321 right now!!  ;D ;D ;D She's no doubt, the best!! :)) and also the "why" (what does the writer want readers to do?) for every piece of evidence you quote. This will make your writing seem like you're not just summarising what Eslea's doing. And this is good, because you can flip around the what, how and why as you incorporate these 3 in your sentences!

Also, please don't think my suggestion is the be all end all thing, because I'm nowhere near perfect, but at the same time, I love reading sample pieces of writing and breaking them down! :) So please feel free to disagree with anything! But you're gonna get so much out of the what, how, why structure! :)

I hope this helps! :)

Anonymous:
Thank you for the feedback

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