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monica.andren:
Can i please get some feedback?

dancing phalanges:

--- Quote from: monica.andren on February 01, 2018, 07:26:31 pm ---Can i please get some feedback?

--- End quote ---

My comments are in bold! :)

I had not opened the door and something on the floor at my feet caught my eye. This is a confusing opening for mine. It just doesn't make sense. I think that this makes more sense: I had not even opened the door before something on the floor at my feet caught my eye. Either way, it is still too literal and matter of fact for mine, does not really capture the marker's attention. An envelope, bearing the distinctive Australian Navy symbol - a golden anchor, had been pushed under the gap of the door. The part about it pushed under the gap of the door is not really needed for mine. It had been 7 years since I retired from the Navy’s elite deep sea diving unit, where I pushed to my limits in activities that only some could dream of. Again watch your grammar. It should be I was pushed to my limits. Simple things like this stick out. I also think your style of writing is a bit too cliched eg. pushed to the limits. What could they want, as I opened the front door, I thought, walking into the kitchen and sitting down at the island bench, to impatiently open the envelope. The use of commas is very confusing here, and the sentence is again way too literal - sorry! How can you fix it? Well, start by thinking whether the readers needs information like the narrator going to sit at the island bench. This is stuff that is not needed and it does not add to the story.

Dear Dr Cullingham, the letter began.
The Australian Navy, requires your services on a mission to the Sea of Marmara, leaving Garden Island Dock at 0500 on 15 August 15. The aim of the mission is to find and recover the Navy’s missing AE2 submarine. A current competency certificate in Deep Sea Diving is required. The safety of all individuals on this expedition is a high priority. You will be part of an elite group of 10 individuals. This mission is classified. Further information will follow. Thank you for your cooperation, the Australian Navy look forward to working with you.
Sincerely
Rear Admiral Tim Barrett

But wait, today is the 5th I suddenly realised, the mission was only ten days away! I am so sorry to do this again but your sentence structure needs work! I think try to simplify it by saying that the mission was only ten days away. Feeling both excited and nervous, I knew there was no time to waste. I also knew that our team could not predict what we were going to encounter in the dangerous waters of the Marmara Sea, so I set about preparing myself for any contingency. I decided to conduct some research of my own, to refresh my memory on a range of subjects. It felt like I was back in college, although back then, I was so naïve, I had no idea what I was doing. Thankfully things worked out in the end.


The day of the mission arrived. We set sail, leaving Sydney Harbour under the cloak of darkness. arriving at our dive site in the Marmara Sea one week later. I was feeling very nervous A lot of your story has been telling rather than showing. I know that everyone hears it a lot for creatives but it is a sure way to improve. Something like: My heart pounded against my rib cage... it might be a bit over the top but hopefully you get mt point.as I slipped into my diving gear and clipped on the helmet, but I knew was ready and up for the challenge. Let’s find that sub and get it up, I thought as I waddled awkwardly in my flippers, like a fairy penguin, to the diving platform on our ship. The thoughts of the persona that you have included eg. Let's find that sub and get it up, I thought just don't work and sound colloquial and lack sophistication. I wouldn't have them.

Silt had swallowed and entombed the AE2, the submarines that sailed the furthest voyage in history.  Imprisoned by mother nature in the salty water that was largely devoid of sea life.That sentence, whilst a great attempt, doesn't make sense by itself. It was imprisoned... will fix that. It was a lonely, tranquil place to dive.  Our mission struggled in the beginning, suffering multiple setbacks. The thick layers of silt encasing the submarine made it hard to get accurate readings of the integrity of the sub’s hull, but we persevered, we ran and re-ran all the relevant tests. The emptiness of the ocean floor felt peaceful, it was hard to imagine that these waters were once a battleground. I think you could use a dash here instead of the comma to add more emphasis and pause.

Australians associate the landing at Gallipoli as our defining moment of World War One, but only a few individuals knew about the little Australian submarine patrolling in the Dardanelles, the AE2, on a mission to cut off supplies to the Turkish troops on the Gallipoli Peninsula.

Captain Stoker, The AE2’s fearless skipper, commanded his crew by the motto “If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again”. Stoker lived by those words, he practised what he preached. Stoker never gave up in his attempts to complete orders, I to have followed the same motto a couple of times, through battles of my own. From failing exams to applying for jobs, I managed to find a way to get back on my feet and try again. 

Surrounded by the silty emptinessI don't think that's a word! of the submarine, I wondered what it would have been like for Stoker’s crew, having to live in a container deep below the surface while the war raged above their heads. It made me ponder and think about the decisions stoker made, where they the right ones? Were they the right ones?Would history be different if Stoker chose right instead of left? I felt a tugging on my chord signalling me to return to the surface, but I paused a little longer, reflecting, in the depths of the Marmara Sea.

Later, our team are sitting and waiting, in the conference room back on board ship. We were now a tight group, very different feel to the first time we sat together. A special relationship had developed with the other team members.  We had completed a large number of dives to the AE2 and just completed our last test.

Mr Barrett, our team leader, entered the room, with the results of our last test, the results of which could potentially change history. He smiled broadly and began; 

Our mission is a success, he said.

“We are proud to inform you that we have discovered that based on the oxygen levels within the AE2, our tests confirm that, the sub is airtight and, for example, all of Stoker’s diaries are still legible. This doesn't sound very authentic as speech, it is too long and confusing to follow.We can now proceed with the recovery of the AE2” Mr Barrett concluded.

There was stunned silence in the room. My mind went from questions of what may lunch be, to telling myself, now we will all get to know what really happened all those years ago in the Dardanelles. As the significance of what we had achieved sank in, the smiles built on everyone’s faces, soon we were all grinning from ear to ear. A room that was once filled with doubt about ever discovering an unknown secret had completely changed into a room filled with anxious anticipation. My part of the mission was now over and I could return home. I feel again here you could show the excitement and anticipation rather than telling us they were excited.

Now many months later, I join a long line outside the Maritime Museum in Sydney. I am here to see the new “star attraction”, the AE2. To see the routes, the AE2 travelled displayed on giant screens and to read some of the extracts of Stoker’s diaries that are now on display. Afterwards, I feel very proud. Proud of the discoveries that we made, proud of the secrets we had uncovered. The discovery that you are focusing on here is quite basic in that it only seems to have one layer and it is, in my opinion, the least interesting one to write about. The discovery could have not been solely on discovering the diaries, but rather delving deeper into the diaries and discovering the truth eg. perhaps about one of the men sacrificing his life for his friend in the war and reflecting on the discovery of the true extent of bravery exhibited by soldiers in war. That is not a particularly creative or unique idea but hopefully you see how it adds depth to your story. My other main comments would be on your grammar and simple errors which stand out terribly to the marker. In addition, your writing style is a bit too literal and lacks sophistication. It seems a bit like this happened, I felt this, this happened, that sort of thing. So, to really get to the top band, you really need to lift there too! Sorry to be harsh but those are my thoughts, hope they help! :)

 

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