HSC Stuff > The HSC Journey Journal
HSC Journal- The Final Years of School
clovvy:
Update, as usual I woke up with anxiety but I am learning how to control it, it is a struggle indeed especially I had an oral assessment today... I also have seen a doctor regarding my anxiety issue as my school councellor have suggested me, and the vice principal approved it as I have a legitimate doctor certificate, which means my half yearly marks will be moderated instead based on my current ranks and overall performance so far... Well that aside, today I have an oral task to perform, so first thing I calm myself down and I proceed to execute it... I manage to do well in my eye contact and I am positive that my content should be good...
However, the impact of how I went badly in extension 2 was a misery to me... Judging from the difficulty of the exam and how I would roughly estimate 20/60 worth of work at most ignoring mistakes is devastating, considering that it weighs 20% and my current position being 2/2 although we only differ by 1% for the first assessment... This have drastically reduced my possibility of E4.... I don't even know why I choose it in the first place, not that I hated the subject at all, I quite liked it... However, I am terribly demotivated by my current performance (I wasn't told my marks yet, judging from the way my teacher spoke to me I didn't do well) ...
All of the fail stories I read are not as severe as these... Which is why I am terribly stressed out, in fact I deeply regretted not dropping out sometimes.. Even worse I do find myself losing the will to live even which I tried to surpress.... Of course I am aware no one can help me with this but myself, which is why I rarely post and I do not seek help at all until I no longer able to take it... The fact that I am stuck with 10 units is even worse as I can't drop anything, not that I really want to drop 4U considering the amount of money I spent on it...
clovvy:
Guys, sorry for my rants below, I just want to let it all out...
Despite my best effort to learn how to manage anxiety, I have failed to have complete control over it in 2 weeks as it turns out to be mood swings instead.... I have had both good and bad sleeps over the holidays as I know over working will cause myself to not function properly... Despite my best effort to overcome them, I still see my inability to fully concentrate on task at hand and cannot control my anger in the middle of work, which became a problem (there is a long story for this, but I wouldn't dare to post it here as I am afraid that I may breach the AN policy since it is pretty dark, also afraid of getting dislikes by others and mods for my wickedness)...
Today the first thing that happens when I woke up is fear for tomorrow is the first day of school.... I am very scared... Over the holidays I have had mood swings between using my failures as an advantage to push harder and motivate myself, and fearing of failure and what happen when I did not get my desired atar and failing to prove myself and as time goes I am starting to see questions as intimidating rather than interesting, and my star goal getting further and further away from me... What is even more disturbing is I do search up suicide rates related to the hsc and have found 3 people doing that last year, and I am starting to see that mindset occuring as well as I can't take it anymore... However I am too scared to tell my relatives about these and am afraid to tell my parents about it (particularly my dad since he is pretty hard)... The difficulty of keeping a positive attitude is very disturbing to me, and I am also disgusted with myself over the past mistakes I have made which shows that I can't fully forgive myself... I have seen the councellor before and I have had doctor certificate for my half-yearly exam... I am planning to see the school councellor again about this... It seems like it's getting out of hand...
I know for sure that nobody can change me, I am the only one under control over everything which is why I decided to not write anything at AN when I am frustrated over something for I fear that my posts will annoy a lot of people.. I know nobody like to be around negative people either... In all honesty I haven't found a meaningful purpose for my desired degree apart from prestige among others and refusal to be oppressed and being looked down upon and ridiculed by others.... I do believe only I can help myself, yet I am not seeing much progress in myself after the two weeks holidays apart from vaguely understanding stuff that I am weak at and not fully mastering them.. I don't think I will rest even for the hsc (apart from sleep)... Sometimes I do wonder if I have gone mentally insane
clovvy:
30 April 2018
I had a terrible 8 hour sleep still with disappointments in mind, and out of the blue a friend of mine who dropped out of TAFE called me and desperately asked me for help with differentiation of trig functions, logs and exponentials... I agreed to help him and decided to find a spot at UNSW library (both of us live around the area)... and he decided to bring his classmate too.... before I get started they explained the situation how they have an exam unnotified and given worksheets to do without the contents being taught, therefore I teach them from scratch to make sure they understand the contents... as I look through the worksheets I saw curve sketching questions too so I decided to teach them how to do them, beginning from the basis of differentiation into finding stationary points and concavities. took me about 6 hours altogether... They were very thankful to me and told me "you literally saved out lives dude, thanks".... I don't really take those statements seriously but I do feel a lot better after that, it made me happy that the skills I have learned can be useful to others in a sense (not that I am a high achiever myself)...
clovvy:
1 May 2017
First day back to school, I received my half yearly marks:
Physics: 30/60-(weighs 20%)
Chemistry: 30/60-(weighs 20%)
3U maths: 20/35-(weighs 30%) 3/3
4U maths: haven't got it back-definitely fail
English: 11/15 orals (15%), Half yearlies 16/45-raw (covered by doctor certificate- total 15% worth)
Extremely disappointed and the fact that I WORK MY ASS OFF HARDER THAN SOME WHO DID BETTER is extremely frustrating, particularly the sciences (where a lot of people do fail and the questions are similar to that of HSC style), maths I lose a lot of marks from silly mistakes and the effect of english on the day (extremely disappointed).... My atar goal is getting further and further away from me and possibly may not even get to the course that I wanted... a band 5 in everything only gives me a 91 atar (possibly lower judging from atar calculators inaccuracy at times), far from my atar goal that I wanted... I may potentially need to get 100% for every single assessments in the future which is too unrealistic or next to impossible with the way I am now... I have read Opengang's article but my atar goal is much higher than that for advanced science/law degree (and for other reasons too)....
At times I do feel like killing myself as I cannot handle these anymore, I do research on how to end myself quickly as I don't really have anyone in mind that I truly care for... However I am a coward, which is why I wished to drop out in the first place from the beginning to start it all again, at times I do fear eternity in hell which is ironic.... All of my ambitions and desire is all based on proving my worth and prove other people's statements to be wrong...., I cannot bare the thought of disproving myself at the end...... Too scared to speak about it to authorities, my school councellor or anyone in mind fearing that they will end up having cops all over me and being lectured all the cliche statements (logically yes I have other options but I do not want that for the sake of my own pride)... Even if I do decide on it I probably try not to say anything beforehand or make it obvious to anyone how stressed I am at this point... probably a bit of farewells to some I have a certain level of trust with.. but that could all be my imagination...
Razeen25:
--- Quote from: clovvy on May 01, 2018, 02:54:44 pm ---1 May 2017
First day back to school, I received my half yearly marks:
Physics: 30/60-(weighs 20%)
Chemistry: 30/60-(weighs 20%)
3U maths: 20/35-(weighs 30%) 3/3
4U maths: haven't got it back-definitely fail
English: 11/15 orals (15%), Half yearlies 16/45-raw (covered by doctor certificate- total 15% worth)
Extremely disappointed and the fact that I WORK MY ASS OFF HARDER THAN SOME WHO DID BETTER is extremely frustrating, particularly the sciences (where a lot of people do fail and the questions are similar to that of HSC style), maths I lose a lot of marks from silly mistakes and the effect of english on the day (extremely disappointed).... My atar goal is getting further and further away from me and possibly may not even get to the course that I wanted... a band 5 in everything only gives me a 91 atar (possibly lower judging from atar calculators inaccuracy at times), far from my atar goal that I wanted... I may potentially need to get 100% for every single assessments in the future which is too unrealistic or next to impossible with the way I am now... I have read Opengang's article but my atar goal is much higher than that for advanced science/law degree (and for other reasons too)....
At times I do feel like killing myself as I cannot handle these anymore, I do research on how to end myself quickly as I don't really have anyone in mind that I truly care for... However I am a coward, which is why I wished to drop out in the first place from the beginning to start it all again, at times I do fear eternity in hell which is ironic.... All of my ambitions and desire is all based on proving my worth and prove other people's statements to be wrong...., I cannot bare the thought of disproving myself at the end...... Too scared to speak about it to authorities, my school councellor or anyone in mind fearing that they will end up having cops all over me and being lectured all the cliche statements (logically yes I have other options but I do not want that for the sake of my own pride)... Even if I do decide on it I probably try not to say anything beforehand or make it obvious to anyone how stressed I am at this point... probably a bit of farewells to some I have a certain level of trust with.. but that could all be my imagination...
--- End quote ---
Hii. Well I'm not really very good at talking to new people but this made me a little sad.
I can see that your half-yearly results weren't as good as you'd expected, but I'd just like to say that its alright for you to feel upset, but please don't even CONSIDER killing yourself or anything even similar. About not wanting to talk to people about it, please do. You WILL feel better!
But most of all please remember,
It's okay. It is and it will be. Half yearlies didn't mean that much and you can still improve and HSC isn't the end of the world and ATAR's don't mean so much in the end, since there are always pathways.
I'm sure you've heard all of that before but please make sure you remember it all now. I also have problems with anxiety and sleep and over stressing so if you ever need anyone to rant to/talk to, talk to me!
Please feel better!
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