General Discussion > Accountability and Motivation
Poet's Well-being Journal
PhoenixxFire:
--- Quote from: Poet on November 09, 2019, 08:23:51 pm ---Also (not to boast or anything) but I tested positive to the Epsteindidn’t kill himself Barr test, which means I have the antibodies created in the presence of glandular fever. From my meagre education in biology, I would take the plunge and say I’ve probably had chronic fatigue as an after-effect of glandular fever, which is actually quite common despite no conclusive evidence on the topic. But sure, refer me to a mothertrucking private dietician healthcare won’t cover. I’ll give it a crack if it gets rid of this constant nausea. Or not.
I would not be so convinced that chronic fatigue is a strong possibility if I didn’t already know that I get nauseous when I push myself to exhaustion. A few times through year 12 I pushed myself to the point I would vomit; so, it makes sense?
--- End quote ---
That actually makes a lot of sense. At least its something to go on, better than having no idea I guess. My brother has CFS (which is possibly caused by a lot of things, none definitively, but one of them is glandular fever where the chronic fatigue afterwards doesn't go away) and it took a very long time of doctors doing tests and trying to explain it by literally anything else before they figured that out. If this has been an ongoing thing (i think it has to be 6 months) then finding a doctor who knows about cfs might get you some actual answers. There isn't really heaps of proven treatment options for chronic fatigue, diet and moderate non strenuous exercise are supposed to help somewhat though.
--- Quote from: Poet on November 09, 2019, 08:23:51 pm ---Outside of work, a friend recently decided they didn’t want me in their life. Not too recently; it was just before my last entry actually – but it really, really hurts when someone tells you they don’t care about you anymore so brutally after almost 9 years. It’s taken a while to sink in but whenever I have time alone, I begin going through everything I could have possibly done to make him feel that way. And at points like today where my mental and physical health suck, it’s like I’ve been shot with a poisoned arrow, and it just keeps seeping in. I don’t know. I guess getting a girlfriend replaced me in his life.
I still have a hole.
--- End quote ---
:( I know it's hard for your to believe, but it's not your fault and I hope that you're able to realise that eventually. I am so lucky to have you as a friend and there's nothing you could ever do to make me not care about you. Love you always <3
--- Quote from: Poet on November 09, 2019, 08:23:51 pm ---I don’t know. I just feel sick and drained and disheartened with everything. Tomorrow I’ll try to make pancakes and wash my sheets. I washed my clothes today. But what kind of goal is that? I just feel stupid. Stupid, and confused, anxious, and scared. It’s like I grew up young, but there’s still a small child huddling somewhere inside of me as a passenger to everything I do. I just want to close my eyes and disappear. I doubt many people would care too much if I did anyway. Not even people I thought cared, for a long time. Or they’d care when it became convenient.
I'm impressed if you read all this. Always am. I'll try to remember to write when I'm feeling more positive sometime.
--- End quote ---
That's the sort of goal that gets you through another day. Big mood though. To quote someone much wiser than me ;) "It's something. It's living." I would care a whole lot poet, I enjoy having you in my life and am better for it, regardless of how you're feeling, I will always care about you. As always, I read every word of this post, and I hope that one day you can learn to trust that there will always be someone who is here to listen and care about you. Enjoy your pancakes <3
Bri MT:
--- Quote from: Poet on November 09, 2019, 08:23:51 pm ---From my meagre education in biology
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hmmm... between a fair few of your friends you probably have a fair bit of exposure to bio, so your education might be more than meagre. We can hope. :)
--- Quote from: Poet on November 09, 2019, 08:23:51 pm --- But what kind of goal is that?
--- End quote ---
A SMART one? In the past week you've also gotten the SBAT guide done (which you did a great job on btw despite me distracting you for a couple hours with my problems) and written this post up. Yeah, I'm counting actually putting your words out there and hitting the submit button as an achieved goal - it's easy to procrastinate and nonetheless you've done it. More than that, you've gotten through the week. Regardless of how fantastic, terrible, or mundane it was that's one week you won't have to do again.
There's a next one, and that's going to need to be dealt with but I feel like you're doing what you can to prepare for it and it doesn't seem like you have heaps of incomplete tasks from previous weeks to catch up on.
The brain is really good at remembering scary things - we have this whole system involving the amygdala & adrenaline and stuff to enshrine that in our memory and sometimes it's easy for us to remember the terrifying things, have the intrusive thoughts and see the world in shades of dark grey. I don't know how to help you turn the brightness up but I'll sit with you in the dark.
and you know I won't get into a relationship and have my friendships overshadowed
Poet:
I really, truly appreciate the unconditional kindness on display here. I wanted to reply to these the night I saw them, but better late than never.
--- Quote from: r1ckworthy on November 09, 2019, 08:58:56 pm ---/snip/
--- End quote ---
Hey Rick,
Thank you.
I do have my doubts that I'll ever appreciate fighting with myself and the medical system, but perhaps one day I'll be stronger for the struggles.
Standing with a person who is struggling, lifting them up, letting them know that they have people who care about them, is never rubbish or useless. It can be extremely difficult to remember there are those out there to lean on, especially when your mind tells you there's nothing - no-one. To live that, as you said, and still wake up day after day, can take immense strength in itself.
Be proud of yourself for the power of will you held through those times; and be proud of the understanding and strength it has given you.
--- Quote from: PhoenixxFire on November 09, 2019, 09:18:43 pm ---/snip/
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I've had the noticeable symptoms since December last year (I was in bed for two months) but I can probably trace it back to at earliest the start of year 11/end of year 10. Which would explain a lot haha. I'll have to make another appointment soon but my anxiety is ~ w i l d ~ today so not right now :(
And yeah, re: treatment options, I don't think antidepressants helped bc I got a lot worse on them physical health-wise. Wonder why. Anyway we'll check those off the experimental treatment list.
Love you likewise <3 You mean a lot to me and I hope you know that.
Thank you, I did enjoy my pancakes. I used brown sugar instead of white and it turned out fantastic; never going back. Because you know what? Pancakes are something. They're living. Haha.
--- Quote from: Bri MT on November 09, 2019, 09:40:09 pm ---/snip/
--- End quote ---
OK so maybe hanging out on AN... and having best friends who are STEM geniuses... and dating a bio nerd... means I have more than a meagre knowledge hehe
Thanks for sitting with me, again. Love you <3
oh damn some sneaky shade here if I'm interpreting correctly, I like that
I'm feeling a little better now. A little. Still working on it, don't you worry.
It's Saturday. We're slowly getting through the weeks, I'm just looking forward to the end of year break. It's a little bit jolting going straight from school breaks (4 term breaks of two weeks with an extra month between years) to working (no breaks except for public holidays and accrued leave/unpaid leave). Or maybe it would be a bigger jolt from uni? Not sure.
The world is about to begin to speed up very soon, so I thought I'd make an update before it all starts.
I've had the goal to move out of home in January for a while. At the same time, I've been concerned about my health throughout that process and the sustainability of such a venture. Luckily, I have a stable job and have been saving more than I planned for in budgeting so far; I'm actually more than 1.5K ahead of my goal (watch that go back down to predicted when Christmas comes crashing in!) and I'll be inspecting a potential property on Tuesday.
Wild.
Going hiking for the first time in a long time tomorrow, too - I've been feeling OK this past week health-wise and basically all of today was just resting, so hopefully I'll have the strength to take a longer trail. I'm so excited and it's probably the only thing I've genuinely looked forward to (like REALLY) in what feels like forever. I wish I had more time to go out and do things like walk for ages in the quiet forest.
The world is so vast; I don't know what to do with it. Some parts I hate, and some parts I love. I haven't told anyone this but honestly, a large part of me wants to move somewhere isolated and look after disadvantaged and orphaned people. I think my maternal side is coming out and I hate it. Stop producing oxytocin every single time you see a baby, body. Thanks.
I worked with autistic children (from the ages of 15-16) for the first time a few days ago and helped them through a test designed to gauge their abilities to complete a Cert. II. They were so good and I absolutely loved it by the end; sitting for more than an hour with one student went by like it was 15 minutes. I have been told that I'm good with kids before, I guess it might come naturally from being in a family of 5 children? I don't think I could do it every day but I think that working with people with intellectual disabilities is something I could do very well, and find rewarding. I might just see if I can volunteer some time to a school or become a support worker for the company I'm already at. Maybe even complete a qualification, when I'm more set on a decision. I don't know. My mind is flashing back and forth between a lot of things because I've been finding a lack of passion for any set profession, and that makes me feel lost and afraid of what the future holds for my career.
Anyway that's all. Love you all. Please put brown sugar in your pancake mixtures.
Poet:
It's been a couple months.
To summarise, here's what happened:
- My work very suddenly shut down after losing a government grant, and I was given a weeks' notice. Thankfully, I was called back to complete the archiving. I had 8 days before I didn't have a job.
- Went on a holiday for a couple of weeks and had the time of my life. Had to evacuate due to fires but that holiday was my first time away from family outside of school for 19 years.
- Visited my grandparents in NSW for a weekend after learning grandpa has cancer. Hated the trip but love them.
- Lay in bed a lot
- Can't get another job because I'm incapable of hitting the 'apply' button without crying
- Turned down an interview and then cried all night
- Running. Running physically and mentally. I'm never home anymore.
- Was hot today, am stimky.
Where do I start, hey?
My head is such a dark, messy tangle. Like a ball of string, or a pair of earphones left in your pocket for too long. It seems I’ve begun to recycle analogies in an effort to describe the altschmerz. Weltschmerz. I’m weary. And it seems like wherever I find rest, it’s all temporary.
I haven’t updated in a long time because it’s all the same. A cycle of short bursts of joy before long periods of hurt and sickness. Life has lost it’s meaning. Positive affirmations feel like lies. My world has been so dark, and I don’t know how to cope.
Of course I’m still here. I’m still trying, with the energy I have. Which is why I started running. Which is why I just washed my clothes for the first time in weeks. Which is why I’m writing.
‘”CaN a DePrEsSeD pErSoN dO tHiS?!?!?” She wheezes, folding her crumpled laundry at 1am as her dirty cup collection watches on disdainfully.'
If I can’t convince myself that life is worth it, god damn I’m going to let others try to convince me. I can't see the meaning of it all now, but I've seen it before. I'm hoping I'll be able to see it again soon.
w0lfqu33n89:
love you girlie xx
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